Gal Talk

you fucking assholes.

and no, i'm not talking to the nazi boys, i'm talking to you, you polite piece of shit, just doing whatever mommy tells you to do, convincing yourself that harris was in any way a good idea or better alternative. you fucking baby. you toddler sucking on your thumb. look at what you did. all fifty states turned red. do you know how badly you have to miss the ball, slip on the banana peel, to fuck up the goddamn POPULAR vote? this is your country, you did this.

oh also, please read my substack:

https://open.substack.com/pub/jamesstahl/p/discomforts-over-dave-portnoy?r=8vma9&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web

look, not only did we record this episode a week ago, but even if we didn't this still wouldn't come out prior to the election. so hey, good luck to all of you who still somehow give a shit what happens to this horrible country of dumbfucks, who can't stand up for a single goddamn principle. abortion is more important than genocide, or whatever the fight comes down to in your simple brain as you trod your ass down to the local church to place a vote for... democracy? is that what we're still doing? doesn't feel like it, does it?

all things pee coming right at you. prepare for all kinds of conversation about what comes out of our pee holes (and i have a hint for you: it's piss)

also, fuck you. i know i forgot to upload this episode last week, but frankly i don't like your tone and these are false allegations i won't be taking seriously, and also fake news, your fake news, your mom is fake news, and again, fuck you.

anyway, this episode is from last week so don't judge me if our news updates are vintage by now.

yeah, i know, it’s late.

but in my defense, i forgot. so, you see how that could be problematic to the objective of putting the episode out. we even recorded it days in advance, and it just sat on my computer. all I had to do was upload it, hell they even have a feature where you can schedule the episode to be published at a certain time, but alas, that was not our situation. i was caught up eating too much quinoa, getting fucked up on carrot and spinach juice, living my best life as a #fitvegan.

are there fat vegans?

never mind, of course there are. there’s fat versions of everything.

if the world is ending i demand a mad max version of the apocalypse. i want to race a pack of savages in the sand dunes with a motorcycle where the front part is a skull and there’s badass guitar music playing the entire time. everyone lives on beetle blood and spray paint, and ive got a big mutated penis growing out of my chest that also operates like another arm. if that’s not how this world ends, then i’m not interested, no thanks pal, move your shit along and try to sell to someone else

back in the day, i tell you what, they used to kill motherfuckers like it was nothing.

let’s take all the popular sci-fi movies and cut them down to 20 minutes of watchable material that is mostly just cool images and whatever kind of weird contrived weaponry they got in the future. like lightsabers. take all nine star wars movies and cut it down to one single hour where it’s all the lightsaber stuff. maybe toss in one or two scene with alien stuff. done. fuck your plot, fuck your character developments, none of it is good anyway, we should all be able to agree that none of that matters. we like the zoom zoom and the boom boom. baby want milk. give me more milk. wah wah wah.

i don’t actually remember what we talked about on this one. something about capitalism? probably. we most probably talked about pussy. i can all but goddamn guarantee that pussy came up in our wide ranging tapestry of conversation

we all are trapped in a cage, aren’t we? this body of flesh and bone, this consciousness elusive to all scientific inquiry, this society of consumerism and wealth, prosperity and depravity, exploitation and criminalization (now I’m just saying words, and hey, aren’t words also a bit of a cage? forever stuck in language, unable to express anything directly, always lost in various metaphors to try and convey what we truly ultimately experience? staring out into the void, pondering the myth of our creation, mapping the story of our destruction…. oh shit, my Tostitos are done. alright, talk to you guys later.

you know how people hate taxes? this is a big midwestern thing, because everyone here descends from some variant of libertarianism, so they don’t know how taxes work or why they exist, so all they know is that when april comes around it’s time to be mad at the government. and for 350 days of the rest of the year, there’s never another thought about what the government is doing with your taxes, but for those two weeks leading up to filing your shit, all the sudden your mr. politics. all at once you’re a rebel against the oppressive state. then april passes, you inevitably pay the taxes because you’re scared, and you go back to eating ice cream, or whatever the fuck you do in your spare time that’s making you so goddamn fat.

children’s books were mostly lame, when you look back on it. magic treehouse? shut the fuck up. you tell me a couple of kids are teleporting through space and time on a quest assigned by a wizard based on a different book from a magical library? and the wizard isn’t fucking the kids? you sure about that pal? you sure those kids aren’t just severely traumatized by getting a wand shoved in their ass every time they went into the forest and so they just made up these fake stories about adventures inside of books to cope? c’mon pal, we’re all adults here, we can admit it

well folks, it’s been 100 episodes of this show, and you know that means a lot to me, because during this time i’ve learned a lot about how much i don’t care about people’s attention or participation in something i’m making. so we will continue to do this show, regardless of whether or not you assholes are listening. in much the same way that Israel will continue to do a genocide, regardless of whether or not you’re paying attention, which let’s be honest, no you’re not.

me? yes, i’m inclined towards water on my butthole after a long session on the toilet making memories for my children, thank you very much h

make sure to register your balls so when the time comes to use your penis, you’ll know which church to go to and cast your ballot (jizz) into the battle box (butthole)

i'd like to have a quiet moment to remember the life and career of joe b.

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genocide.

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okay, now that that's out of the way - what the fuck, right? what the fuck is going on? does anyone know? do the people that usually know, do they know what's going on? or is everything now just as chaotic as it appears to us on our phones? is voting for a president going to have the same schizo energy as looking for the right porn to jerk my wiener off to? i can't believe how fucked we are, it's awesome, thank god i'm an american, it's such a good thing to be and a good way to feel.

it's so disappointing... because you see all these people, Obama, Biden, etc.... and it's all this "thoughts and prayers" bullshit, this "there's no excuse for violence" type of speech, and it's like... excuse me motherfucker, didn't you spend the last eight years telling me this man is going to destroy democracy? that he was a fascist that under no circumstance should be allowed to be president? it's kind of hard to see, given your sudden and specialized concern for the man, what exactly your stance is, from a voting perspective. because now you're acting like trump is a legitimate candidate, and not a man condemned of 34 crimes, with a proclivity for hate speech? something i, myself, an unfamiliar with

remember the 90's? no, me neither. fuck you if you remember the 90's, too, because i bet that shit was cool. you know how lame it was to grow up after the 90's? in the fucking early aughts? embarrassing. no one knew who they were or what they believed in. conviction was on a slow and gentle decline in all aspects of life. the color schemes we thought were appropriate... i mean goddamn. if i had a time machine i wouldn't even stop hitler, i would just go back and kill everyone in 2002, so we could start over, start again, and rebuild a society with the same pinash and reckless abandon of the stupid 90's

at this point, i mean come on, bro. just let the man die. he doesn't know how to do sentences anymore! you remember sentences? you remember learning how to translate the thoughts in your head into complete verbal structures? that's gone, for him. he doesn't have it. god took it from him. and this is the same man enabling a genocide... i mean jesus christ, even i feel bad for him. this is elder abuse, plain and simple. he's a walking corpse, barely able to differentiate real life from the underworld. maybe we are in hell. maybe joe brandon simply sees a reality we have yet to comprehend, like how babies can sometimes see angels.

who's your favorite guy? and why? because my favorite guy has got to be the lord and savior. that's just a fun little quirk about me, is that despite all the other guys available for choosing, i still always go for the lord and savior. because it is very cool, historically speaking, that his name, given or chosen, was jesus christ, and at the time that was just like... some guy's name. you know? two thousand years later, that's the most famous name in the world, but back then, he might as well have been named clark. clark christ: the hero that gotham deserves (or whatever).

let's imagine you have a son, and he's smoking crack, he's listening to fleet foxes... isn't there a part of you that says "I wish I could have done that, when i was so young and so free, at fifty four years old"

look, we all love to make boom-boom out of our stick holes... but have you considered, rather than, instead of - we take all that pent up energy and overthrow the government? like, if we hold those bad boys in for a couple weeks, maybe forgo sex as an option at all, then maybe we'd finally find a prime directive. has anyone seen Chi-Raq? because i haven't, but i do know what happens in the movie, and i think maybe we could learn a thing or two from black women. everyone hold your nuts, and let's get this country back in working order.

yay, woohoo, everything is okay, i'm not stuck in a perpetual cycle of cynical thoughts perpetrating my everyday experience, thus ruining any opportunity to connect with a higher power, even if that higher power ultimately ends up being the sun or a gentle breeze on a cool day, or the sensation of kissing someone, or the breath of a loved one being snuffed out during the final moments on earth as the big waves start crashing against our windowpanes, as we hold one another tight and pray to nothing, pray as an act to fulfill the coming silence with a lost angelic sound.... what we were talking about again? oh, right. the president got in trouble, finally. pretty cool, huh?

y'all ever get fucked in your ass wearing one of them doggo costumes? with the floppy ears? just getting dicked down by a man wearing one of them badger outfits while both of you climax to that there chinese cartoons, whacthu call them? anime? the one where it's like you can't be telling if the girl is a child or not? i hear y'all are real into that stuff, like when a dragon sucks a little boys penis, but there's samari stuff? there's a whole plot. that's what y'all tell me when i make my opinions known. it's actually really good storytelling, just cause it's cartoons don't mean it's not good storytelling. it's for adults because it's good stories, is what you guys be telling me.

sorry this one was uploaded a little late today, i was up late last night rewatching Twin Peaks, because... you know... i don't need to tell you how bad it is outside. it's much better to stay indoors and rewatch Twin Peaks. just go ahead and forgo the idea of community, protest, enacting social changes, just go ahead and flip that Twin Peaks rewatch on full blast. not even for nostalgia purposes, or because you don't remember the events of the show. it's the only good television that does exactly what television was meant to do, before we all lost our way with the hamburgers and french fries, the frozen yogurt and the miniature candies.

oh also, congratulations guys, not only is it 90 degrees in fucking May, but despite our very best efforts they started the invasion into Rafah. so... kudos all around.

i'm trying to think back... does anyone... can anyone name a specific thing that obama did? i know that stuff happened, i remember those eight years, and i'm not trying to say it was insignificant, but can you personally name a specific thing that was different or that happened? we killed bin laden, i guess. single payer healthcare, i guess. he pretended that flint's water was fine? ferguson? it all feels like a dream i had when i was a kid, and then i woke up as an adult and it's always been trump. he's been the president for one thousand years, i think. even now, if you asked me today who the president was, there's a part of me that still answers trump. biden? biden who? you mean the guy from that dream i had about the first black president?

i'm not a religious man. i prefer to think of myself as a simple country boy incapable of connecting to anything larger than himself, and the thing he's presented with in the mirror, because ultimately his only sentiment in life is that which pursues the pleasure of his immediate necessities.

"who needs money and power? you can't take it with you!"that's what they always tell us. i assume they're trying to get across the idea that consumerism is bad, and the pursuit of wordly possessions is meaningless. which, i mean, overall i agree with that, but it's weird because it's not like you get to take your lovers and personal accomplishments with you either. it's death we're talking about, here. when you die the whole thing goes out the window. all your shelves and ottomans, but also all your sisters and friends. the whole thing is gone, you take none of it with you.

what's the lesson here? i don't know, maybe it's time to accept jesus into your heart, OR, maybe it's time to start burning things down.

tbd.

april 28th: 12pm.

i'm writing this transcript in the dead of night, sipping on an herbal lemon tea i know, despite it's lack of caffeination, will get me too jazzed up before bedtime. outside my apartment i've just heard two friends parting ways (an obviously gay man and one of those women who has a very close relationship with gay men), and as a way of saying goodnight, they not only said they loved one another, but also sang a little song that i couldn't make out, but clearly it was some reference to their friendship from another time, presumably when they were younger and much happier.

when was the last time you were happy? was it when you were younger? if so, that's lame. there's nothing happy about being young. what you're experiencing is that your life now sucks, so you're looking for times when it didn't suck, and just by coincidence that was when you were younger, back whenever your mommy still made you lunches, or you hadn't yet realized the importance of washing your sheets every week. you still think your acne is caused by cheese.

bitch

dude, bro. i know it's no longer 420, that time has passed us by, just as all time passes us by, without warning, in a fast trickle of movements we can't explain, emotions we barely have the space to comprehend and properly categorize, but bro, dude, whenever it's 420 bro, whenever it's 420 i like to get so fucking high i can't stand up to go to the bathroom because it's like... what even is the bathroom? you know what i mean? it's just a room where you piss and shit? a poo poo room? that's gnarly bro. that's extra vivid gnarly ass shit bro. i wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy bro.

collective voice, what's the deal? i feel like, of all the voices you can have (and i'm including chinese) the collective one is probably the most effective. or maybe not. maybe collectively chattering about the things we want or need isn't working too good anymore. maybe we need a new voice. a deep sexy voice. we need a james earl jones style of voice. something dark and mystical. instead of all of us begging for a ceasefire, just imagine james earl jones asking israeal to stop doing genocide, using the darth vader voice, of course. even darth vader would look at the situation and be like, bro, maybe chill out? and that guy blows up planets!

we say we don't like colonization, but have we considered that actually it's actually good to kill thousands and millions of people? because i feel like that goes missing in the conversation. a lot of people will talk about colonialism being bad because of all the bad stuff it produced, but i'm here saying what if... but what if actually it's good to kill an entire nation of people? doesn't that sound like something you'd personally like to do and feel good about it? i'm talking emotionally, physically, wouldn't that be nice? forget all the woke police, all that censorship nonsense, and just focus on how you feel internally. can't we all agree that death and suffering are good things to give to people? i mean if we can't agree to that, what kind of country are we??

if you're going to be a musician, and god help you, jesus christ, but if you are going to be a musician, then at the very least you should name yourself with some reference to your cock. at this point drake should rename himself "i have a big penis and you all saw it online".

who are you going to see tonight? i'm going to see I Have a Big Penis And You All Saw It Online.

IHBPYASO, for short.

maybe taylor swift could rename herself "penis swift". that would be cool. i think her fans would like that. they seem like pretty chill and understanding people with a good sense of humor.

i almost forgot to upload the show because i've been staying up too late rewatching Scenes From a Marriage. i don't know why, but it's a good watch, if you're interested in a very depressing perspective on marriage and love. do you guys... y'all ever get interested in acquiring yourself a marriage? what's the consensus on that, these days? it seems like everyone is continuing to pretend like nothing has changed in the world. marriage, kid, house: followed by some classic cheating, divorce, and now you're living in an apartment hanging out with your lame ass kid all by yourself once every two weeks. the man who finally invented bourbon was absolutely divorced, living in an apartment rewinding the Lion King while waiting for their son to fall asleep so he could finally, finally jerk off.

OSCAR BUZZ OSCAR BUZZ (i'm trying to trick the algorithm) OSCAR BUZZ sleeper cell OSCAR BUZZ genocide in gaza OSCAR BUZZ the dissolution of the united states for no apparent reason other than the natural evolution of exploitation creating generations of unskilled labor OSCAR BUZZ my penis hasn't gotten hard in months OSCAR BUZZ and i know i should go to a doctor, but what are they going to tell me OSCAR BUZZ other than recommend a psychiatrist that requires a therapist to prescribe me pills i didn't ask for that i don't need OSCAR BUZZ because life is a living nightmare in the era of death and destruction that is the modern world and so i guess i'll ignore all that and watch the f*cking OSCARS OSCARS OSCARS RED CARPET BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD (penis vagina penis)

it's 5am, and you simply haven't slept. it's not happening. you tried and failed. every time you check your phone it says a new horrifying time. 3am, 5am, 6am. the sun is almost coming up, you can see the way the darkness parts, splintering under the presence of tomorrows light, and what are you doing? after the hours spent thinking about your job, your relationship, your family, what are you doing at 6am after a sleepless night?

you know what you're doing.

you're looking at that phone, baby

we all do it. let's not, hey, stop it, don't lie to me like you lie to your mother. we all take our pants off and fire up the website, look for our preferred video- sometimes (often) for way too long - and get to wanking on our little junk pile we got stationed between our legs, at the ready, awaiting instructions. please, senior, drain me... make the discomfort go away, allow my sins to alleviate, to purge, to rectify the curse bestowed upon me to populate beyond my capacity, beyond my means, beyond the plan set forth by our lord and savior to bring all souls from heaven onto the earthly plains... sh*t, i didn't procure enough toilet paper to clean this up...

if i owe you $20, and six months goes by, are you the type of friend who earnestly tries to collect on that cash? with a slight interest of emotional damages you never tell me about but kind of hold in your heart as a judgement of me? or are you an adult, who decides, hey it's $20, let's just assume that money is gone forever.

don't keep tabs on people. this might be the only genuine thing written in the show notes description. just... we gotta stop with the money thing. you either have it or you don't. some people are evil and they have lots and lots of it. try to avoid them, and just remember that the rest of us look at those $40 fake asses at the sex shop and think "do i really need this? or can i just get by with what i have?"

hey man... you got the 'tism? are you tising right now man?

oh yeah, jacob over there working on his model trains, got that sweat dripping out his mouth cause he so excitable. my man over there dribbling like a rottweiler all cause he got the tracks aligned and the lighthouse working.

nah man, he cool. ain't going to make much of himself when he get older, but that'a alright.

what do you see when you close your eyes? is it a bunch of meshy black nothingness given definition by outside light? or is it a big sweaty hog looking down at you, begging you for relief, please, please, rock my world baby?

it'd be cool to f*ck someone who was into rocks. like a geological type of gal. saying things like "stalagmites". i'm going to suck you until your fossil comes out. i'm going to carbon date that pussy with my spectometer, if you know what i'm saying...

boom boom, ka-blow!

it'd be fun if bombs actually went off like that, like they made the "kablow" sound. i think israel would have a much easier time with their tiktok accounts if they started utilizing cartoon logic during their bombing campaigns. perhaps have a couple coyotes running off a cliff before looking down to see there's no road left with an "uh oh" facial expression. instead of this bullsh*t where they accidentally kill themselves demolishing someone's home, which, when i say it like that... pretty cartoonish already. so maybe just have coyotes doing it? rather than creepy psycho twenty year olds?

sorry it's late, i forgot to upload it last night because i was too busy watching "children of men" and thinking about how cool it would be if i had the last successful bust in a post-apocalypse london. can you imagine? you look around at all these infertile inbred pieces of sh*t (because it's london, not because of the apocalypse part) and you just know, i've got the last drop of magic sauce.

the guy who did the busting isn't even in the movie, that's how cool he was.

aha ha.

get it?

because it's, because... you know, like the sex position. a position we're just supposed to pretend is a real thing that real people do. but honestly, i mean, they don't even, you don't even see it in porn.

that's how you know it ain't real. they can't even find a way to aesthetically film it, and we're talking about an industry that invented incest and anal sex.

i'm thinking of a number between one and pussy. what's your best guess? you're wrong, it's two, you f*cking pervert.

it's the new ass year bro, watchu gon do bout it? watchi go-ing dur boutit bruh? matcha boon gought ta brotha? snatch a groom doubt it mother, and various other examples.

it's the new year, so you know what that means, we're all hungover and one step closer to schizophrenic night terrors where goblins and ghosts try to steal our soul before we have the chance to swallow the sun!

thanks for listening in 2023, and also, hey, thanks for being you, whoever you are, i'm really glad you're still... you know... i guess you're still going to work? that's cool, good on you, congrats.

i bet the dreidel part is awesome, but i can't imagine any other aspect, like the candles or whatever, that all seems pretty boring. tradition, in general, by nature, is very boring.

i want a new holiday, something sexy, something with more cream based dishes involved, like a remembrance day that demands a fettuccine alfredo.

an olive garden style celebration. unlimited appetizers, or whatever the good people over there are doing.

the dark knight? tenet? atom bomb movie?

how about the shart night? i can't really think of a pun for tenet. i keep trying all the usual ones, like how can i work the word "penis" into it... penet? that's not obvious enough, it's not as clean as "shart night".

with "shart night" you know what you're getting into, you can picture exactly what i'm getting at.

bruce wayne having himself an embarrassing episode in that stupid custome, couldn't make it to the bathroom in time to take off all that garb, little prairie dog poking out, had too much sushi and saki the day before.

we've all been there.

what's the deal with customer service never providing adequate service? there always like "yeah let me check on my end."

what... what's going down on their end? huh? just a bunch of pictures of LeVar Burton, while they tell you "it'll be just one more minute." chamber music playing in the background.

here's another thing, another problem we all share, but how about we get some better jams to play during that waiting period? something a little more soothing than musak.

also, f*ck the people who make ambient music for elevators and waiting rooms. you're not an artist and we could live without you. i'd honestly rather sit in silence, collecting dust, questioning my humanity.

you guys ever watch that show Californication? that's sort of what i'm into right now...

television shows, what's that about? you're sitting at home watching nine hours of your third favorite show, rewatching for the fifth time? pouring another drink, neglecting how badly your dog needs to pee because it's too cold to go outside?

come on, pal, that ain't you.

i know you, you're better than that

what am i thankful for this year? ummm... easy answer, i'm grateful for pussy, and also, pirates of the carribean.

if i'm being completely honest... it's been a bleak year.

we were reminded of an ongoing genocide in gaza, and my d*ck never got bigger, despite what the witch doctor told me after i bought that special cream...

i wanna be a zookeeper. no, i have no interest in educating myself on the subject. no., i don't care that this is technically an animal prison. this kind of fact checking is honestly so offensive, and honestly, it's also racist. let me feed the monkeys! i wanna give those apes some chunky snacks! is that a crime now?? your honor....

i only fly away. i don't where why... does anyone know the next part of the song? i feel like that's a mumble part. you ever mumble your way through a popular song? like, you kinda get the melody, you know what's generally going on, but you just lack specific knowledge of the words? i feel that way during prayers. you know it's got to be about the lord, they love him, but you just don't get exactly how they love him, what metaphor they're using...

i've got a confession to make. sorry, i meant i have a concession to make. whoops, no, sorry, i meant i have a concession stand to make, to cake. to cake or not to cake, that is the question we must ask ourselves, when so wedded to treats as our souls must partake. should we perish in delight? or abstain for eternity?

i like me a big stinky cheeseburger. that's my go to meal. a plate of gnarly smelly meat between sweaty buns and hard thick cheese. french fries? go f*ck yourself. i want spanish fries, i want nachos with p*ssy juice all over it. with a gun. a gun with salsa bullets in it, that is!

you guys like music? that sweet sonorous jam of a band playing in the hot night? well guess what, turns out that makes you gay. sorry, I don't make the rules. check your local mdma manufacturer. did you like the odezza tour? did you think that was... that was worth your time and money? odezza. am i spelling that rignt? who cares

more like misrael, am i right? because i'm sure it's pretty miserable having a rave dance party during bombing season! that's right! i'm saying what we're all thinking! news moves so fast, i'm sure this is all relevant and we all remember what i'm talking about, but i always thought it was cool, personally, whenever the nazi's blasted avicii throughout the concentration camps. it just seemed so appropriate and normal to do that.

it's the spooky season folks! we've got goblins and ghouls scampering about, waiting to reveal themselves in scantily clad clothes, showing off their big beautiful goblin breasts and their stinky butt cheeks. it'd be cool to have sex with a ghost, because i've always been into older women, plus you get to watch the spread of your bust in her hollow body, and who doesn't love a good c*m shot?

didn't make that pun during the show, so i thought i'd save us by making it the title. needless to say, we've got a magical episode for you here, so all you nerds can finally hear our hot takes on fantasy fiction. do we think it's gay? depends on how far that wand fits up my butthole, now doesn't it? let's just say that old wizard staff better have ridges on it

that's right folks, we had to do it again. why? because the novel coronavirus, that's why. oh, you didn't think it was still a thing? me neither, i thought i got vaxed enough times by that hallway doctor, with the stinky hands, told me i could get the vax or free if i gave him a kiss in the right place. can you guess where the right place was? let me pull up this doll, go ahead and point at the spot on the nice doctor where you think i had to kiss him. here's a hint: it wasn't his butthole! because he wanted me to f*ck that part, and as a rule i don't put my lips on anything i already done f*cked.

we're broke, we're sick, but we're here to broadcast. needn't you worry, darling, we aren't gone just yet. we have but more to say before the curtain draws. you ever been... you ever been so poor that the zoom recorder breaks and you have to wait until payday to buy a new one? well then you might be a redneck! you ever been... you ever been so broke you get erectile dysfunction and just shrug it off, say maybe tomorrow will be different? well, then you might be a redneck! haha oh, living on the poverty line is hard, but it's also funny, right?? beer!

sorry for the delay, folks, our podtrak p4 finally frigging totally crapped out on us. that's what you get, i suppose. gotta spend money to make money. gotta, sorta, you know broke money ain't fixin... spent money ain't broke... making money ain't spending if you broke don't fix it money. we all know that classic saying. money ain't broke so don't fix spending if you wanna make it. me? i'm what you'd call an investor molester. i find that money and i touch it, grabbing it all up, put it straight in my pants.

come with me, and you'll see, that i have a tiny wiener. right? did you sing it, in your head? try singing it in your head, then come back to me with your hot takes. what about, what about cold takes? where your opinion of something is like, kinda really chill. what did you think of the movie Contact? my cold take is that it's pretty alright. honestly, i feel like you could put that movie on, and then watch it. make yourself a drink, maybe a mojito, with lots of ice, have about 6 or 7 of those, and watch the movie Contact. you'll be feeling pretty okay, by the end of it, and that's not too bad.

i'm too young to die, but i'm also too old to be living this way. is that a country song? garth brooks, maybe. something about how i'm sitting on the horse backwards, staring at the butt-end, looking towards the horizon as the sun goes down and my majestic horse drops a fat load on the ground. hey pal, what the hell did you eat? that smells horrendous.

what's your favorite movie? is it the barbie movie? well it g*ddamn better be, pal. this ain't a democracy no more, pumpkin. we watching barbie movie and we drinking finnish long drink. that's right. no more voting, no more news, no more politics. from now on we are getting f*cked up and rewatching barbie movie. that's what everyone wants, right? baby movies and low calorie seltzer, every day. what's Pakistan? who is the Ukraine? no one cares anymore, sweetheart. gimme those toy movies, give me that citrus gin.

welcome to gal talk! yay! woo! we're all so happy, and barbie, and feminism!

look, it's basically the same show, we're just making some aesthetic changes, and trying to be more inclusive to women, because we love women, we love the way they... we love how... they're very good at things, and we encourage... we support... black lives matter

UPDATE: UPDATE: UPDATE:

starting next week, don't be scared, don't be alarmed, but we will be changing the name of the show - after much discussion, we realized that the '39th Parallel" isn't the most googlable name in the world - so we will soon become "Gal Talk", a hip new show that is exactly the same as the old show.

EPISODE NOTES:

we love the barbie, don't we folks? we love how it's a doll for children, and now, thankfully, it's also a movie for adults. that can only be perceived as a good thing, for everyone. what's next? am i right? transformers... wait, right, okay... what's next? g.i. joe... okay, you've made your point.

i would like to deliver a balls to my ass, if you know what i'm saying.

we're back, baby. the kind of content you're about to receive... oh my god, it's going to fill you up so good. so many carbs! so much red meat! hot red sweaty meat (like your father's balls) just hanging there... the most perfect of punching bags.

welcome to the schizophrenic hour. and look, i mean we've certainly done episodes to "fill the time", but this has got to be the peak example of "getting through the hour". we will return to regular programming next week, once my cohost unsucks himself from all the bare-back he so deviously enjoys.

sorry the episode was late, some scheduling issues arose. you see, i am on the international board of bustin, and this month we had A LOT of data to sort through, mostly from public contributions (thanks as always) but, as a side note, some of you guys need to get your sh*t checked out. it is not supposed to be green, grey, or black. after rigorous argument, mostly on my part, we do now accept dehydrated yellow.

well the cats outta the bag, and my balls are, subsequently, out of the cat's mouth. prerecorded episodes are done. my regular cohost, my main man, is out of the office this week. he told me he was traveling for work, but you and i both know the d*ck sucking convention rolled into town last week, and he couldn't keep his dirty mouth out of that tent for more than five minutes. i bet he's already eaten a sleeve of blue chews by now, like a dad in the middle of the night sneaking girl scout cookies while he watches mash. anyway, i've replaced him with a new guy.

nuclear war... we've all heard of it: boom boom, bang bang: the end of everything... but isn't that... now isn't that quite a lot like my penis and balls? a decimation of all life, if you will? a sterile cleansing? a lot of women... perhaps too many women, all of them doctors, have described my balls as a russian nuclear alliance with the chinese. what are we to make of that? perhaps more intelligence research should be done...

boom boom motherfu*kers. check out the latest episode of this super cool hip podcast. and we, we appeal to youngsters and... and also NPR listeners. if you listen far enough along, i'm sure we talk about like, memoirs no one has read, or cool critters with interesting facts, and trump is bad, and january 6th... ooh so crazy... i haven't... i haven't listened to NPR in a long time. i don't know what the fu*k you guys are listening to. is terry gross dead? surely an AI can do that job

let's start a band. something akin to Tenacious D, but like, without getting wildly overweight. and also without the references to music we liked whenever we were kids- provided that we were "kids" in the 70's- and... and also, now that i think of it, other than "School of Rock", and "Bernie", what has Jack Black ever done that warrants any respect? Nacho Libre? that panda movie? c'mon... it's time to grow up. you can't keep living life pretending these things are good. you can't keep, like, eating cereal for breakfast. eventually you gotta eat some eggs, or skip breakfast altogether.

i got a memorial for you right here, bucko. it's got two balls and a pair of reindeer horns, a big spiky spike coming out of my... of my... butt? of my butt. go ahead and check it out. look deep. what do you see? that's right, it's a roadmap. but where does it lead to? not your favorite local cocktail bar. oh no, no. you're going to find yourself waist deep in dreamland. your brother who is not your brother is telling you to "suck the lotion." well go ahead, brother. suck the lotion.

i'd like to dedicate a month of celebration to the male body. we've already got women's month (weirdly overlapping with black history month). so i say it's high time we have a month dedicated to that moment, as a guy, when you've got an erection at inconvenient time, in a weird place, and you gotta do one of those 'squeeze your toes to redirect blood flow while thinking of jesus' moments. by the way... blue-balls? that's like 70% not real.

jokes on you, pal.

yeah, i didn't go to college, so i'm not hip to what kids are calling "research", but i did smoke a couple doobies in a parking lot beside a college dorm. so... you could say i received a community college education on history... middle aged as*holes are scared of chatgpt, but i gotta tell you a little secret: (nobody writes college papers). just google it. like our forefathers did. ask an internet slave what the answer is and then get that grade, get some money, and eventually find yourself donating, as an alumi, to that same college so your stinky kids have a higher than average chance of admission

how come corn is yellow? hows come corn do be yellow like that? cause you look at corn, right? you're looking at an ear of corn, and it's all yellow! how come it don't be lots of different kinds of colors? like red and purple and sh*t like that? what did they do to the corn? what did they do to the native americans? is there a connection there? pilgrims? shut the f*ck up.

we live in a world, maybe you've noticed, where everything is pretend. there isn't a structure to hold all of this upright, and yet we still act as though what we do is pertinent, it has meaning we have yet to uncover, so long as we continue to suffer... toil... eventually we will be rewarded, right? As long as you work hard, give it all you got, invest wisely... something something something, 72 virgins? i guess? they never specify how old those virgins are, do they? we all assume, f*ckin 18, right fellas? but what if you get to heaven and it's just a bunch of sixth grade boys? you'd feel pretty stupid then, wouldn't you?

what's your favorite fast food snack? i... i don't care. we all eat the same things. there is no favorite fast food, because the whole experience of eating is derived from... do you like your wet meat in a burrito or a bun? fries or fries? soda or beer? depends on the time of day, no it doesn't.

i know the episode is titled after a different movie, but i'm uploading this at midnight after more than my fair share of ranch waters, just completing my fifth rewatch of Paul Thomas Anderson's "The Master", and really, if you take nothing else from our show, you should remember that PTA did approximately two good things in his artistic career, and this movie is one of them. (the other thing, and i won't go into too much detail, but the other thing is kissing me on the fat lips during a fourth of july party, circa 2001, where he whispered in my ear "9-11 is like, literally about to happen bro")

happy easter folks, i really hope you celebrated by... by... whatever it is we do. we eat candy? what's the meal for easter? is it basically just thanksgiving food but maybe we eat ham instead of turkey? there are eggs.. i've heard that people do an activity with eggs... i have a feeling it is unrelated to the nasty sh*t i get up to with regards to eggs... how about instead of hiding eggs for kids to find, we hide egg whites? just a sloppy egg white slathered over some grass, and the kids have to eat that sh*t up with their bare hands.

a lot of soiling ourselves on this episode, be forewarned. mostly pee-pee, but not an insignificant amount of ca-ca, as well. it's a well rounded show, we try to hit all angles of the political spectrum. as we're speaking now, i'm here sitting with a gatorade bottle strapped to my ding-dong, filling it to the brim with neon blue. some people - doctors - call it a "disease", that requires "immediate surgery," but you and i know that's just the medical industry - privatized healthcare! - trying to get another dime out of my p*nis.

let's do a documentary about my balls, and we'll call it "tom hank's big movie", and if each of us pitches in, i'd say we could do it for an easy 4 or 6 million. we'll cast a litany of chinese actors, really go for that oscar trifecta. we'll get tom hanks, he'll do anything, and we'll doll him up, make him chinese-lookin, you know what i'm talking about, the old mickey rooney special. only this time, instead of an offensive stereotype setup to heighten the glam of a new york style fantasy of a sad white woman not living her best life imaginable, it's exclusively about my balls.

and i say unto you... my bum is leaking thy stinky liquid by virtue of illness... oh lord, dear god, how i pray to thee that my consequences strip not my interior lining, butthole delivered, but rather erupt from my throat as chunk... chunk unto you, chunk unto me, chunk unto everyone... for we are in the land of thick ladies and heavy-set boys, deficient of nutrition, unless thy be organic...

sharks, i have a proposition for you, it's a new invention called socialism, and it's where i get a sloppy kiss from a fat wet mouth. i've never... look i've never "technically" read marx, and i've never "had sex", but i feel like these are antiquated conceptions of history and life, you can basically assume based on cultural derivatives. am i gay? well, you'll just have to invest and find out!

are you curious about what we talked about? well then go ahead a give it a listen, pal. i'm not your momma, sucking on my big beautiful liberated breasts, my fat feminist titties, all so you can get you some milk! what is milk, anyway? you guys ever think about that? what the what? just a bunch of white water we were told is good for our bones? don't tell me you believe that. don't you sit here and go telling me you believe that when you ain't even sucked on no titties. anyway, what was i saying? just listen to the show, everything will be explained.

i've been thinking a lot about... like, capitalism. how like, it's so bad and makes everything so stinky, pee-u, gross. amazon? how about you put my anxiety in a box and ship that somewhere else! huh? you guys know what i'm talking about? how about you do a little prime shipping on my butthole

the last couple episodes i tried using that AI stuff to write the description - you know that stupid whatever that's supposed to be better than all human achievement? - and let me tell you, i feel like i could do a better job in my sleep, getting sucked off by a couple sheep, covered in honey and blood. you guys ever have those dreams? sound off in the comments about whether or not your dreams are like that. or do you just dream about like, a weird room and your mom is there, but also you're at work, and now it's a different dream where you're getting your wiener slobbed off by a sheep, again? 

One person mentions that they usually don't wear a condom and the other person refers to it as a black gamble and jokes about going home with $100. They then discuss the importance of learning more about vaginal illness, especially for men who participate in sexual activities. The conversation then turns to hormones and how they relate to reproductive health and the person jokes about having to stop being gay in order to learn more. The conversation then ends without any definitive conclusion.

The conversation begins with a warm welcome, setting the tone for the show. They then move on to discuss the thing in the news, which happens to be a Chinese balloon. None of them know the details of the situation, but it's apparently been shot down. Even with the news about the Chinese balloon circulating, it's clear that none of them have any opinion on the matter. They joke about it and finish the conversation by reassuring everyone that no one has any clue what's going on.  In the conversation, the speaker talks about the statistic that 8 out of 10 Americans have an unfavorable opinion of China, and how they don't think they are part of that statistic. They don't have enough information to form an opinion on China and they try to stay away from the news as much as possible. They also mention that it is hard to distinguish between mild propaganda and fact when it comes to China and Russia. They also mention that they do like a lot of Chinese products and find them to be cool. 

it's the twentieth episode! what a cool milestone, so cool and good. granted, neither of us knew during the recording that it was, in fact, such a cool and good milestone, so the result is what you might call a "regular episode," if not a bit "lack-luster." how about, how about instead of lack-luster it's crack-buster? like a 1950's bugs bunny detective who's out there busting crack crimes? or maybe it's a drug dealer who simply goes by the alias crack-buster... crack-buster keaton? surely you aren't still reading this...just listen to the episode already.

what's your favorite part of the show? do you like it when we say goo-goo and ga-ga? or is it... do you like it when i feed you milk and change your diaper? wipe your rashy bum? wait, hold on. i'm thinking of a different show. nevermind.

i'm serious about this folks, you gotta start switching out your favorite bands with nickleback. they aren't a good band, no, no no no, don't deceive yourself into thinking such things. however, whatever music you listen to right now is probably the same hot trash all of us get fed, pumped through breathing tubes as we struggle to recognize true artistic expression. so while that is true, and it's all SZA this, and Lizzo that, you may as well light up a menthol cigarette, turn on "Far Away", and just vibe.

we're out here, on the plains of africa, discussing literature. have you heard of the man who hung himself? he was very sad, not like you guys are sad, but in a different way, because it was about consumerism. "we're watching too much tv!" he said. it was a different time. it was the eighties. he didn't know about internet pornography yet. 

oh, how to describe an episode. to use words like a man using a hammer to... to hammer nails into various woods. i'm building a boat, and i'm going to sail out to sea, where no one can call me gay or tickle my privates.

this episode is too hot for podcasting, it might just combust (cum-bust? anything there?) so only give it a listen if you're cool and don't give a H-E-double hockey sticks. 

it's the christmas episode! so draw a blanket near, roast a chestnut... chestnut? that sounds awesome. what did you want for christmas? i asked for peace on earth, so no playstation for me.

i guess it's a film show now. write in for more topics if you hate lengthy discussions about the joker movie, because that's all we got. i've seen one film and it was "barney: the last stand" so prepare to hear a lot about that.