The Marriage Minute by Strong Marriages

On a scale from one to ten, with one representing the worst and ten the best, what score would you give yourself when it comes to how well you let others know you are listening when they speak? Just out of curiosity, would your spouse or others close to you agree with your response? As president of a ministry promoting and teaching how to have a strong marriage, I admit I should know the value of intentional listening. However, I also admit I consistently struggle in this area. Mainly because I am usually going Mach 10 with my pants on fire, thinking I need to get to the next thing. 

Bottom line, when this occurs I am operating from a selfish heart by making a volitional choice to not listen closely when others are speaking—even when it is the person taking my food order at the drive-through! So, what is intentional listening? Simply stated, it is exercising specific communication skills that help give the speaker greater confidence in knowing that what they have said has been accurately interpreted and understood. Since intentional listening is also often referred to as active listening, let’s look at a few specific characteristics of active listening, beginning with non-verbal indicators.

Body Language 

Your body language has a lot to do with letting others know you're listening. For example, making eye contact with the speaker lets them know you value their comments, as opposed to you looking at text messages or e-mails on your cell phone. Occasionally giving them an affirming “head nod” lets others know you’re listening. Facial expressions also say much about the listener. Looking angry or staring intensely is generally a good way to cut conversations short. Smiling at others when they are talking is basically like giving them permission to open up and lets them know you care. If you’re not angry, don’t send mixed signals.

People tend to quickly notice whether you're listening by how you stand or sit while they speak. Lounging back in a chair with your arms folded tends to more easily give others the impression that you are not engaged in the conversation. While some might argue this type of posture sends a signal of comfort, most interpersonal communication specialists will agree that sitting more upright and even leaning into the speaker is more likely to let them know you are actively listening.

Verbal Expressions  

Interjecting an infrequent “yes” can let others know you’re tracking with them. However, very few people enjoy it when the interjections come every few seconds. Summarizing is a great way of engaging in the conversation. “What I hear you say,” is a good example of summarizing. Asking clarifying questions like, “So, I understand you to say,” or “Can you give me more information?” not only lets the speaker know you’re listening, but also whether they are accurately communicating their thoughts.

Remember, active listening doesn’t mean constantly interjecting your comments by cutting others off. God tells us in Proverbs 18:13 that, “Spouting off before listening to the facts is both shameful and foolish.” So, how about now? Would you still give yourself the same score as you did previously?

Most likely, anyone who has ever attended weekly or monthly staff meetings can recall some unpleasant experience. According to a recent Harris poll, 46 percent of those polled admit they would rather do things like take a trip to the Department of Motor Vehicles, watch paint dry or even endure a root canal than sit through a boring staff meeting. Additionally, 35% of attendees consider staff meetings a waste of time.

So why do these Americans subject themselves to such agony? The answer is quite simple: because when done effectively, staff meetings are the mile markers on the road to success. Companies that consistently monitor budgets, communicate project status, identify obstacles and recognize what works well, then create future strategies for implementation all stand a much greater chance for success than those that don’t. So what happens when we apply this same concept to marriage?

Take a few moments to ask yourself the following questions:

Would you say you and your spouse have a good understanding regarding your monthly finances and the detailed expenses needed to operate your family? Do you both agree on a plan for who handles family responsibilities such as going to the grocery store, doing laundry, outside chores, inside cleaning, etc.? Have you established and agreed on a plan for overseeing and implementing each family member’s schedule? Could you quickly identify what seems to work well? Do you work together to effectively problem solve and and make mid-course changes? Have you made future family plans and established strategies for success?

So, how did you do? Proverbs 21:5 says, “The plans of the diligent lead surely to abundance.” Abundance here means experiencing the abundant life, which is founded on Christ (John 10:10) and represented by order as opposed to chaos or turmoil. Maybe it’s time for you and your spouse to not just consider having staff meetings, but actually make plans to have one soon. Here are a few tips for getting started:

Schedule at least one hour a week or every other week for just the two of you to meet. You’ll be most successful if your scheduled appointment is the same each week. For example, it might be a Saturday morning or a weeknight after the kids are in bed. Place a high value on this time and keep it protected. Consider this time essential for building a stronger marriage. Therefore, choose a time in your week with little or no competing events. Should a meeting need to be changed occasionally, formulate your back up plan at the same time you decide what day will be your primary meeting date. Choose a location with little or no distractions. For some, that could be a quiet local restaurant or coffee house. The key word here is “quiet.” Others might consider it best to stay home. If so, it too needs to be free of distractions. Develop a standing agenda. For most of us that means discussing finances, weekly schedules for each family member, future events like holidays and vacations, etc... Agree beforehand on acceptable communication. Since what we communicate is often a reflection of our attitudes, taking time to prepare an attitude of openness and oneness will more often result in successful discussions. Communicate a willingness to help each other. Listen to ideas without criticism. Use words of appreciation and affirmation. Recognize when its time for a break or a time out.

Even though it might be rough getting started, the key is to start. Then, be willing to persevere through the difficult times. Remember, your diligence will surely lead to abundance!

One of the ways our brains are like computers is that they encode and process new information with information already stored in memory. Just since the inception and continued use of brain imaging, have researchers been able to better understand the role of multi-tasking and its impact in our behavior. Relatively new research regarding cognitive processing confirms what many researchers have suspected for years - there truly is an upper limit to the amount of information a person can effectively process in a given unit of time. Therefore, it is important to understand that when doing multiple things simultaneously, less cognitive processing activity is allocated to each function. It only gets worse the more things we attempt to accomplish or think about at any given time.

So, let’s apply this concept to communication in marriage. For years, I took great pride in my perceived ability to both listen to my wife Lynne explain an issue she was dealing with, while at the same time solving her problem in my head. In my mind, I knew I could provide her an insightful solution long before she was able to paint an accurate picture for me. Yet, based on what we just learned about the brain, it became impossible for me to devote all my attention to what Lynne was trying to communicate the moment I began solving her problem in my mind.  

Unfortunately, the same scenario would play out during our conflicts. Only here, the moment one of Lynne’s comments solicited a negative emotion in me, I would quickly assume she had selfish intentions and offensive motivations. Therefore, once I prepared a set of defensive responses in my mind, all intended to produce character assassination, I would cut her off in mid sentence and unload. Sound familiar?

Needless to say, today things are so much better in this area. Here are a few tips on what led to change for us: 

Be willing to learn effective listening skills (check out the Drive Through Listening podcast). Value what Scripture says about cutting people off when they are communicating. For example, Proverbs 18:13 - “Spouting off before listening to the facts is both shameful and foolish.” The moment you recognize your mind shifting, intentionally slow down and take captive your thoughts. 2 Corinthians 10: 5 – bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ. When unhealthy thoughts triggered by negative emotions begin to enter your mind, slam the door shut. When tempted to interject while others are speaking, disrupting the flow of communication can be effective. Things like asking the speaker to push the pause button. Then, take a moment to stand or step away for a moment and gather your thoughts. Ephesians 4:29 states that nothing should come from our mouth except that which builds up and imparts grace to the hearer. Remember, you don’t have to apologize for what you don’t say. Remember what is being learned about cognitive processing. The moment you allow unhealthy or unedifying thoughts to take center stage while someone is speaking, you immediately lose a portion of your cognitive ability to effectively hear what is being said. Commit your struggles to prayer. Be honest with yourself about your obstacles and barriers to success. Confess them to the Lord, asking Him for perseverance and discernment in making good choices. Celebrate the small victories and maintain belief that success is possible.  

God created each of us to thrive best in community consisting of healthy relationships with family, friends, co-workers and even those we seem to disagree with constantly. That said, most of us would say the majority of our relationships with others are positive. Yet, almost every one of us can recall relationships where we have been emotionally scarred, and just the thought of these events makes it almost impossible to do life with them in our minds. So, why is it that even though the majority of events in our life are usually positive, we seem to remember the negative experiences more quickly? Basically, because our brains seem to be wired with a “greater sensitivity” to unpleasant news and events.

When we are hurt by others in our environments, we tend to file away the negative emotions associated with those painful experiences. Therefore, whenever something happens that resembles one of these past experiences, our brains tend to react strongly by quickly retrieving our negative recollections. But, this may not always be a bad thing.

Many times, God allows pain in our life for our protection. I’m quite certain that if there was no pain in me cutting one of my fingers, it is more likely that I would be fingerless. Therefore, a brain supersensitive to negative stimuli helps to protect us from impending danger. However, this sensitivity also has a down side. The more we allow negativity to be input into our brain, the greater tendency we have to view everything through a negative lens.  

For example, let’s consider the marriage relationship. Let’s say Lynne unexplainably stops expressing gratitude for small things or uncharacteristically snaps at me multiple times in a short period. It could be because she doesn’t feel well or because she is overly stressed by work situations. The more I begin to think about how her actions are impacting me as opposed to looking for ways I can help her, before long I will start believing Lynne has no desire to meet my needs or expectations. Then, before you know it, I spend the majority of my time noticing what she’s not doing for me and refusing to serve her in ways I know she appreciates.

Read Philippians 2:3-8. Yet, as you do, think about these verses in the context of your marriage. Paul exhorts each of us that we are to look out for the interests of others more than our own, especially our spouse. Then again that we should meditate on whatever is lovely and of good report, those things that are praiseworthy and commendable. Our brains may be created with a negative sensitivity partly for our protection, but constantly identifying and focusing on the positives in our marriage will result in more positive behavior on our part. Even when the negative events keep on coming.

God created each of us to thrive best in community consisting of healthy relationships with family, friends, co-workers and even those we seem to disagree with constantly. That said, most of us would say the majority of our relationships with others are positive. Yet, almost every one of us can recall relationships where we have been emotionally scarred, and just the thought of these events makes it almost impossible to do life with them in our minds. So, why is it that even though the majority of events in our life are usually positive, we seem to remember the negative experiences more quickly? Basically, because our brains seem to be wired with a “greater sensitivity” to unpleasant news and events.

When we are hurt by others in our environments, we tend to file away the negative emotions associated with those painful experiences. Therefore, whenever something happens that resembles one of these past experiences, our brains tend to react strongly by quickly retrieving our negative recollections. But, this may not always be a bad thing.

Many times, God allows pain in our life for our protection. I’m quite certain that if there was no pain in me cutting one of my fingers, it is more likely that I would be fingerless. Therefore, a brain supersensitive to negative stimuli helps to protect us from impending danger. However, this sensitivity also has a down side. The more we allow negativity to be input into our brain, the greater tendency we have to view everything through a negative lens.  

For example, let’s consider the marriage relationship. Let’s say Lynne unexplainably stops expressing gratitude for small things or uncharacteristically snaps at me multiple times in a short period. It could be because she doesn’t feel well or because she is overly stressed by work situations. The more I begin to think about how her actions are impacting me as opposed to looking for ways I can help her, before long I will start believing Lynne has no desire to meet my needs or expectations. Then, before you know it, I spend the majority of my time noticing what she’s not doing for me and refusing to serve her in ways I know she appreciates.

Read Philippians 2:3-8. Yet, as you do, think about these verses in the context of your marriage. Paul exhorts each of us that we are to look out for the interests of others more than our own, especially our spouse. Then again that we should meditate on whatever is lovely and of good report, those things that are praiseworthy and commendable. Our brains may be created with a negative sensitivity partly for our protection, but constantly identifying and focusing on the positives in our marriage will result in more positive behavior on our part. Even when the negative events keep on coming.

The summer before my sophomore year in high school, we moved to the country, just outside our city’s limits. One reason was for me and my brother to attend a more rural high school setting, but also because both my parents were ready to get back to their roots in some small way. My dad and mom both had spent much of their childhood on a farm and one of the things they missed most about not living in the country was being able to plant vegetables. Needless to say, that summer I intimately learned how to plant and maintain a garden.

My father had a real love for onions. That first year, I remember mom rebuking him because he decided to plant 4 long rows of onions, each of them a different type or breed. Well, you know what happened next. After a couple of months, we were pulling onions out of the ground much faster than we could ever give them away. Not only did dad find a way to have those darn onions at every meal, there was always a sealed, plastic container in the refrigerator with an onion inside.

I’m sure it was only a few weeks, but it seemed like an eternity that everything in our refrigerator tasted like an onion. Every morning when I opened the refrigerator to get a drink, even the water I poured from the jug tasted like it had been filtered through a bushel of those stinking onions. The butter we put on our toast was onion flavored. Heck, we invented onion flavored bacon! We should’ve made millions!

All kidding aside, let’s think about this story and how it might apply to your marriage. Envision your marriage being a refrigerator and each thing inside represents some aspect or component of marriage. The butter might represent parenting. The cucumbers are your finances and maybe the lettuce is your conflict resolution. And just for grins, let’s say the salsa is your sex life. : ) Well . . .you get the picture. Oh, and the onion? Let’s consider for a minute that it represents what you tend to think about each of the above.

Ask yourself the following questions:

Do we agree on how we should be raising our children? If not, what are my thoughts toward my husband or wife? Are we open and honest about how we manage our finances? If not, what are my thoughts toward my spouse? Is our communication positive and edifying more than not? If not, what are my thoughts toward my spouse in this area? Is our sex life healthy? If not, what are my thoughts toward my husband or wife? Do I feel loved or respected? If not, what are my thoughts toward my spouse? Are you content with how often you pray or read the Bible together? What are my thoughts toward my spouse in this area?

Proverbs 4:23 tells us that what we think in our heart tends to run our life. Ephesian 4:31 reminds us of just how important it is that we should put away all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking. The road to reconciliation and contentment is not paved with stinking thinking, but instead on the foundation of positive thoughts. The more you seal the lid on constantly thinking about everything your spouse does that stinks, the sooner everything in your marriage will stop stinking.

I spent a lot of time traveling for my job in the early years of our marriage. My wife Lynne constantly placed notes of affection or pictures in my luggage simply to remind me of how much she loved me. It was difficult being apart for many days at a time for almost 7 years. Over the years, we’ve been asked a number of times what we did to keep our marriage alive despite so many days apart. My answer is always the same, “It was the small things of affection.”

My good friend Dr. John Trent posits in his book, The 2º Difference, that it's the small things done consistently over time that make big differences and successfully turns things around. Like every other married couple, Lynne and I have struggled in some capacity in our marriage. Yet, today our marriage is stronger than ever in large part because we have been faithful to consistently give affection to each other in many small ways.

Here are a few ideas and suggestions that seem to work well for us:

Learn each other’s love languages and bless them accordingly – for years, Lynne would make certain my clothes were stacked neatly in my drawers. I tried hard to make sure I grabbed her hand or put my arm around her and consistently extended words of affirmation. Only problem was I could care a less about the neatness of my drawers and while she appreciates the attention, my consistent physical touch is not really a bright spot on her radar. When we started discovering and extending small blessings through each other’s love language, we began to grow in oneness. Surprise each other with an occasional card or note – These cards or notes don’t always have to be purchased either. Some of the most memorable cards I have received from Lynne are those she made herself. Put them in places where you know they will be found! Plan a surprise date night – Lynne loves it when I just tell her how to dress and give her the time we’re leaving. Some of the most fun we have is going to those out of the way restaurants, even when they are miles out of town. Pray with each other – Our marriage thrives the most when we are consistently praying with each other. These don’t have to be lengthy prayers. Many times, we simply pray for each other’s day, and provisions for our family and friends. Men: Get in the habit of doing things like opening the car door or seating your wife before you take a seat in a restaurant. Almost every women loves to be cherished and treasured. Start consistently doing these type of things guys and see what happens! Women: Small things like telling your husband “thank you” or how proud of him you are might mean more than you can imagine. Most men admit that a single “I am proud of you” from their wife fills their love bank with multiple deposits.

Paul’s words to us in Romans 12:10 - “Be kindly affectionate to one another," when applied, help us build a stronger marriage.

Did you know that research has proven it typically takes less than one second for a person to make a judgment based solely on what they perceive in the facial expressions of the other person? If so, what does the look on your face communicate to others? If asked, would those whom you interact with consistently say you sometimes seem to be wearing a mask? 

Years ago, I discovered the Greek term for the word mask is persona. No where was this better illustrated than in Greek theatrical presentations almost 3000 years ago. Greek plays often drew very large crowds in open-air theaters. In order for those furthest away from the stage to successfully follow the story line, actors would hold up very large masks in front of their face that depicted the expressions of a particular character. These large masks also enabled a single actor to play many different roles, sending different impressions to the audience by simply swapping masks and assuming the “persona” of another.

Over the years in counseling, I have witnessed a lot of arguments ensue from one spouse accusing the other of ill intentions based on their expression. In almost every instance where the individual truly did not have bad intentions despite their expressions, it was extremely difficult for them to convince their spouse otherwise. This often fueled a lack of trust and became a huge obstacle to overcome before effective communication could take place.

If you notice others don’t seem to track along when you're communicating, or they often respond with frustration or even stare at you like a cow looking at a new gate, you might consider the following:

Take time to prepare your thoughts and responses. Consider rehearsing what you want to say in front of a mirror.  Ask the people closest to you whether your expressions convey what you are trying to say. Ask them to be totally honest and be willing to accept their criticism. Slow down when speaking. Those who talk fast also tend to be very expressive. Smile more often when speaking, even when you are talking on the phone. Facial expressions are learned over time. Consistently rehearsing new behavior tends to help create new habits more quickly. Positive expressions motivate others. Spouses consistently tell me that they stopped doing small things for their husband or wife mainly because he or she often appeared angry or mad and seldom used encouraging words like "thank you."

At the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus tells His audience that their yes should be yes and no should be no (Matthew 5:37). The same could be applied to how we communicate to others. Our words, and actions, should always be clear and consistent with our countenance.

When I decided to return to college in September 2010, the most substantial mental hurdle I had to overcome was the thought of having to once again learn how to study and take exams. After all, it had been over 30 years since I opened a college text book. Yet, if I am being totally transparent, I wasn’t all that consistent about opening textbooks when I attended college back in the late 70’s! At any rate, if I had any chance of obtaining a degree, I had to learn how to study all over again.

At first, it was difficult to get acclimated to my new schedule of functioning in my role in ministry during the day and then changing gears to read, study and take exams in the evenings. It required being both disciplined and intentional to adequately learn the material in order to succeed. By the grace of God and with the help of many people, I have successfully completed a Ph.D. in Psychology. Needless to say, I have discovered a thing or two about being a student over the last few years.

Succeeding in marriage can be a lot like mastering material in a college textbook. Without becoming a good student, the process can be quite difficult. Only in marriage, the object to be studied and mastered is not a particular textbook. It’s your spouse. Now, almost all of us would say we were fairly intentional about spending time with our spouse, getting to know them better when we were in the dating stage. Yet, most of us would also agree that at some point, the busyness of life caused us to become less intentional once we were married.

So, how well do you know your spouse today? I’m not referring to simply knowing his or her favorite color or place to eat (although things like this can be helpful). Instead, what I’m talking about here is how well you understand their habits, both good and bad. Do you know their communication style? How they tend to make decisions? What are your spouse’s love languages? If you answered no or not really to any of the above questions, here are a few tips on how you can become a better student of your spouse:

Don’t fall into the trap of thinking you already know everything about your spouse. People, including you, make adjustments to relationships and situations over time. While it is possible that you know much about your spouse, it is highly likely there is more to learn because of changes that have taken place over time.

Be willing to become a student of your spouse regardless of whether or not you believe your spouse is trying to intentionally learn more about you. While it is not the case in every situation, dollar to a doughnut your spouse will eventually respond to you in a positive way if you commit to learning more about them today.

Intentionally make time each week to spend time learning more about your wife or husband. Weekly date nights are a great time to learn more about your spouse. Instead of going to watch a movie where little or no conversation takes place, spend time at the food court in the mall or at a picnic table in the park asking each other questions.

Take advantage of resources designed to learn how others think, communicate and make decisions. Personality reports are a great way to learn this type of information about each other. You can learn a great deal about your spouse by purchasing and completing our Connect Assessment, https://www.connectassessment.com.

Never stop learning. It’s important to realize that as husbands and wives we should never stop learning about each other. School is always in session.

We humans are such creatures of habit—especially when we possess deep-rooted, fixed mindsets about something. In this case, we mean fixed mindsets involving specific aspects of our marriage. For example, suppose your spouse simply refuses to get ready in order to arrive on time to events that you attend together. Therefore, you simply refuse to attend any more events with them than what is necessary. Or what about spending money? Fixed mindsets occur when one spouse refuses to spend within the parameters of an agreed upon budget. Often times, instead of working together to combine resources as maybe they once did, each spouse manages their own money, which typically leads to lies, no accountability and uncontrollable debt.

Sadly, when left unattended or unchallenged, fixed mindsets typically result in one or both spouses becoming isolated in the marriage. Only, much of the time, these couples have become incredibly effective at masking what is really going on to the point very few people can actually detect something is not right. When allowed to continue over time, the chances drastically increase that husbands and wives will eventually see their situation as hopeless. They’ll either separate and divorce, or just somehow learn to live together separately.

If this is where you and your spouse are, or are even headed towards for that matter, here are a few facts and suggestions you might find beneficial:

Isolation can be the greatest tool Satan can use to destroy your marriage. Maybe its time to break some of those old habits and replace them with some that bring joy back into your marriage?

Saying “I love you”  to your spouse means so much more than simply expressing your romantic feelings. Research conducted in recent years actually reveals that saying the three words, “I love you,” also represents a commitment to future behavior. Meaning, when we sincerely tell our spouse “I love you,” we are committing to them that our behavior, both in their presence and when apart, will demonstrate unquestionable attitudes of love and the resolve to protect our covenant of marriage.

Based on the above information, neglecting to tell your spouse “I love you” on a consistent basis can give Satan an open door to plant seeds of doubt and suspicion in each spouse’s mind. Interestingly, when this occurs, husbands and wives will often tend to wait for the other to say these three powerful words, which, if not heard in a relatively short period of time can lead to an “I love you standoff.”

Kinda sounds silly, but many of you know exactly what I’m talking about. Because the element of love is such an important part of any relationship, especially marriage, when we as husbands and wives begin to no longer hear these words from our spouse, it becomes much easier for us to question their commitment as well as to develop a critical spirit for almost everything they do. We essentially give Satan an opportunity to do his work, which Scripture reminds us not to do. So, how do we avoid allowing this to occur?

First, in the same manner that Paul tells the church at Ephesus to not give Satan a foothold to do his work (Ephesians 4:27), husbands and wives should not let a day go by without telling their spouse, “I love you.” This means even when your marriage seems strong, take nothing for granted. Keep your commitment to the marriage, and to your spouse, strong by consistently saying, "I love you!"

Second, if you and your spouse are engaged in the “I love you standoff,” recognize that your lack of saying these three words could possibly be a weapon you are using against your spouse. Be willing to make the first move toward coming together. Remember John 10:10 - Satan comes to steal, kill and destroy. You may not realize it, but the longer you and your spouse refuse to come together, the more opportunity Satan has to kill your trust, steal your joy and even possibly destroy your marriage.

Lastly, it could be that you have not heard these words come from your spouse in months or even years. Please remember that in Christ, there are no hopeless situations, but only people who perceive them as hopeless. Begin by asking God to re-ignite love for your spouse and the desire to verbally express love to them with no expectations of any form of reciprocation. God is faithful and with Him all things are possible (Mark 10:27).

Have you ever noticed how frustrated you become when you consistently allow your actions to follow your feelings? You know, like not getting out of bed because you don’t “feel” like it, even though you know there are many things you need to get done. Or, you stopped extending blessings to your spouse because you don’t “feel” like blessing them any more. Or maybe, your feeling of love for your spouse seems to have faded in recent years and now you're simply living together separate. 

Most of us agree that it's typically easier to feel our way into a action. Yet, in reality, our feelings will often mislead us into wrong beliefs, which then often motivate us into wrong actions or no action at all. While believing we are actually in control, sadly it's only a delusion. Real control comes when right actions follow sound beliefs, regardless of emotions.

Some of you might be saying, “Dewey, you obviously don’t live in my world,” and you would be correct. However, God reminds us in Hebrews 11:6 that He rewards those who demonstrate faith and diligently seek after Him. That said, here are a few things that can help a person learn to act their way into feeling instead of feeling their way into an action:

Like the church at Ephesus in Revelation, Chapter 2, it's important to remember from where you have come. For example, remember those things you once did in your marriage that caused you and your spouse to become closer and brought joy to your relationship. Be willing to act on those things you remember even though you don’t feel like it or think that your efforts will go unnoticed. While it will be difficult at first, when you act in faith, believing your actions please God, eventually feelings of security, confidence and even love will follow. Recognize there are times when you confuse thoughts with emotions. We often say things like, “I feel like they don’t care," or, "I feel it doesn’t matter what I do,” when in reality we often believe they don’t care or we believe it doesn’t matter. Therefore, those beliefs tend to leave us feeling rejected or hurt, so out of defense, we choose to exert little or no energy to do anything that could possibly result in something positive.   Have a game plan. Prepare your responses long before you are required to respond. You know your history. Consider the times that didn’t turn out so favorably and determine in your mind to demonstrate a positive attitude, desiring to please God. Then, trust Him for the results.

5.  Ask God for strength to persevere in difficult times.

Changing your actions will eventually change your feelings. Give it a real heartfelt effort and then see what happens. You might be pleasantly surprised.

Have you ever considered why we so quickly assume negative intentions of others over positive intentions? While negative assumptions do not always get verbalized, most agree they tend to make negative assumptions in their mind about others.

Our brains store the experiences of past events into either short-term or long-term memory. Therefore, when a person experiences something negative, it's only natural for them to assume the same negative results are likely should the environment become conducive for the event to occur once again. However, our perceived negative assumptions can also be skewed because virtually every condition of the future situation must be the same as the previous experience in order to obtain the exact same result. 

When it comes to marriage, we often allow certain behaviors of our spouse to become absolute predictors of the future. Unfortunately, when spouses allow these attitudes to be their primary lenses, eventually they see almost every action of their spouse with a negative bias. When occurring frequently, trust becomes broken in the mind of the perceiver, which in turn results in weakened confidence and commitment in the marriage. 

Now, you may think this process occurs fairly quickly. The fact is, it begins with one negative assumption and, like a frog in a melting pot, Satan methodically encourages us to stock pile our negative assumptions and then patiently waits for our marriage to become fragmented. The antidote is pretty simple. Assume positive intentions from your spouse.

Here are some things to consider:

First, it's important to remember to control your self-talk, instead of allowing your self talk to control you. God will never expect from you that which He has not already empowered you to accomplish (2 Peter 1:3). Before allowing your negative assumptions to dictate your actions, take captive your thoughts (2 Corinthians 10:5).

Second, even though it will likely be incredibly difficult in the beginning, remain steadfast in your efforts to assume positive intentions from your spouse when you don’t agree with their actions. It might look something like this:  

Obviously, this strategy is not a “cookie cutter” solution to every conflict that can arise in marriage. However, when you begin to apply this strategy to less conflicting issues, it will help you deal with the larger conflicts when they arise.

Lastly, ask God for discernment and strength. God is intimately involved in your covenant relationship and He wants your marriage to thrive. When you pray in accordance to His will, He hears your prayers and will act upon your requests (1 John 5:14-15).

Almost every organization has a formal mission statement, which is basically a summary statement designed to communicate the purpose and goals of the organization. In more simple terms, a good mission statement will communicate to others what the organization is about and the direction they plan to go. 

Years ago, when we were creating a suitable mission statement for Strong Marriages, I did a little research and discovered the “Mission Statements” for many Fortune 500 companies. You know, those companies considered by most to be the biggest and best run in America. After reading a dozen or so, I remember I stopped reading because many of the statements read more like a chapter from a boring novel or a jingle from a radio commercial. While mission statements don’t determine the success or failure of an organization, they should represent the foundational values of the organization and serve as the benchmark for organizational members. I tend to believe good mission statements should also be brief and succinct. They should be easily memorized and easy to articulate when asked. 

In Joshua 24:15, Joshua declared that as for him and his household, they were going to serve the Lord. While some might see this as more of a declaration statement of Joshua’s beliefs, I tend to see it more as foundational and the beginnings of a great mission statement for his family. So how could we apply these thoughts and principles to creating a mission statement for our marriage? Here are a few suggestions. 

Consider beginning your statement using the words of Joshua - “We, ________ and ________ commit to serve the Lord in our marriage by:”. You will want to state a few of your core beliefs and values, as well as what you envision are possible outcomes. For example:   

Believing that Scripture is the infallible word of God and without error. Believing marriage is a covenant relationship with God, designed by Him to be for life. Teaching and training our children the principles and promises found in God’s word. Demonstrating the love of Christ to our friends and family by consistently showing them our love and respect for each other. Consistently fellowshipping with others who share our beliefs, providing accountability and offering encouragement, as well as accepting accountability and encouragement when needed.

Hopefully, you get the idea for creating your own personal mission statement. Lastly, successful organizations seldom print the first suggested mission statement. The mission statement that finally becomes a part of their brand has been refined many times over. So, don’t become discouraged if you struggle to create yours. Take your time. You might even ask trusted friends and family for thoughts and ideas. Then, once you have your final mission statement, remember to revisit it from time to time, making sure that your stated mission still aligns with your current actions.

I heard it said once that good friendship can be compared to standing in wet cement. The longer one stays in it, the more difficult it is to leave. And, even when the friend is not around, their footprint will always be left behind. When Lynne and I were first dating, we spent hours and hours simply hanging out with each other. There was certainly a physical attraction between us, but frankly we just enjoyed each other’s company and getting to know each other better. Within a few short months of constantly being in the presence of one another, it was obvious that we had become each other’s best friend. Now, looking back over 35 years later, Lynne and I can confidently say it was our commitment to God and our close friendship that helped us stick together during the difficult times in our marriage. But, isn’t sticking together what good friends are supposed to do? Apparently, God thinks so.

In Proverbs 18:24, Solomon writes, “A man who has many friends must himself be friendly, But there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother." Interestingly, the word “sticks” that Solomon uses here is the same word found in Genesis 2:24 for “cleave." If so, God places incredibly high value on friendship in marriage, knowing friendship is the glue that enables a husband and wife to cleave to each other throughout the course of their relationship. Some of you might be saying to yourself, “We were friends like that once, but somehow events and unmet expectations have taken their toll on our friendship.” Or, you might be thinking, “We quickly became lovers, assuming the friendship would naturally develop in time. But somehow, that time never came." If you resonate with either of these statements, or if you and your spouse have a friendship, but can’t say you’re best friends, here are a few thoughts for you to consider.

First, good friendships require time and intentionality. Our friendship grew rapidly because we spent hours together - and enjoyed it! It may be difficult for you and your spouse to currently enjoy spending a lot of time together, so start slowly. Simply be intentional to spend more time together than you do now. Go on a date once a week. Take time to go for a walk, grab a soda or a cup of coffee. Even though Lynne and I are together literally every day in our ministry, we still have to be intentional at maintaining and growing our friendship. Spending time with other couples who demonstrate being “best friends” is another great way to learn how to become best friends over time.

Second, many friendships slowly grow apart mainly because of the lack of communication and the unmet expectations that breeds. When you’re together, try focusing your attention on your spouse. For example, try learning or discussing the events in their day or possibly even their dreams and aspirations, as opposed to thinking about how he or she doesn’t ask you about your day or inquire about your dreams or aspirations. Chances are you know how to engage your spouse in positive communication as well as what tends to shut them down. Try your best to keep your communication positive (Proverbs 15:23).

Many things have changed in our marriage over the last three decades, both environmentally and physically—some of them in ways I would not prefer. Even so, the two things that continue getting stronger today are the same two things that became foundational in our relationship 35 years ago: our commitment to the Lord and our desire to grow our friendship. Our prayer for you and your marriage is for you to experience the same in yours.

Arguably, everyone of us has been asked how well we know a certain person. A few of the canned responses I have heard include things from “pretty good,” “fairly well,” “I have only met them once," “I wouldn't say were best friends," to “oh, we are just like brothers," or “I know them better than their blood relatives know them." So, have you ever really thought about what types of things a person must know about another individual in order to say they know them well? Is there some undisclosed list of minimal characteristics that helps qualify a person, or a tiered graph of attributes designed to determine a person’s knowledge of another? 

If there is such a list, one would think husbands and wives would have the majority of those attributes already checked off considering marriage is designed to be for life, right? Unfortunately, that’s not always the case. Because the majority of married couples today seem to be going Mach 10 with their pants on fire, managing jobs, trying to pay bills and raise their children, many of them seldom invest time to really learn more about the other. A good number of spouses profess to knowing their husband or wife well, yet when asked, many of these same individuals are unable to correctly recall things like the other’s birthplace, favorite color, favorite food, social security number or even their cellphone number! If this has any of you scratching your head, because you're wondering if you actually know the answers to these types of questions, most likely its time for you and your spouse to intentionally invest in getting to know each other more. Here are a few suggestions for how to begin:

1. Prepare your attitude. When asked, one of you most likely can correctly answer more questions about the other. That said, what you choose to say and how you choose to say it will often determine the success or failure of exercises like the one I am about to recommend. You might even think that asking each other the following questions is lame and silly. However, an open, light-hearted approach to participating in the following exercise with the objective of understanding your spouse better can result in taking your love for them to a level deeper than you have ever experienced.

2. Schedule somewhere between an hour and 90 minutes that is free of distractions. It could be after the children have gone to bed, or you might choose to go on a date after leaving the kids with a baby sitter. At any rate, it is important for there to be little or no distractions. 

3. Each of you make a list of 10 questions of things you don’t know about the other, but would like to. Feel free to choose from the following list, or come up with you own questions.

4. Take turns asking each other questions from your list. Instead of quickly moving on to the next question, consider asking follow up questions to learn even more regarding the topic you are on. 

Because life is happening all around us, its easy for spouses to not intentionally invest time getting to know each other. Truth is though, life is always going to be happening. The best way to prevent waking up one day and not recognizing the person you thought you married is to be intentional about spending quality time getting to know each other today.

Little children seem fearless in so many ways, mainly because most of the time they know no difference. For example, a while back our daughter, son-in-law and infant granddaughter showed up one Saturday morning to eat breakfast. Shortly after we prayed over the meal, we looked over and our grandbaby had shoved so many scrambled eggs into her mouth her cheeks resembled those of a chipmunk’s full of acorns. Our daughter leaped from her chair to remove a portion of the eggs in fear that our granddaughter would soon begin choking on the over-abundance of yard bird delight she had shoved into her mouth.

At the time, we weren’t sure if our grandbaby would choke on the eggs or Mom’s fingers entering her mouth at warp speed. Yet, after all the commotion died down, both parents and grandparents used the event as an opportunity to teach our grandbaby, and our grandbaby’s parents what can happen when we quickly pile too much stuff into something designed to hold smaller portions. 

Interestingly, that situation also tends to describe many married couples in crisis that come into my office for counseling. Like our grandbaby, most of these couples are attempting to cram so many events into their schedules, they have little or no time to strengthen their marriage. After listening to them share what it takes to get kids to and from school, then dance, gymnastics, baseball, soccer or whatever else involves chasing something filled with air, I too am worn out. Oh, then all of the “grown up” activities get thrown into the mix.

Here, the greatest difference between the situation with our grand baby and most of the crazy schedules detailed by these married couples is our grandbaby truly didn’t know what to do differently. The majority of these married couples do!

One of the most effective things couples can do to maintain balance in their weekly schedules is keep an active calendar. For example, one where every family member participates in putting events on a single calendar that is placed in a central location in the home (i.e. refrigerator). Obviously, the parents are ultimately responsible to ensure all weekly events are recorded, but it is always good for children to get in the habit of knowing how their events impact each week’s schedule. Lastly, in addition to recording weekly events, it is equally important to discuss everyone’s events during a weekly family meeting. Lastly, keeping weekly calendars will also help you visually see when it is impossible to add another event into your weekly schedule and find new opportunities for spending time alone, which will help strengthen your marriage! 

You may be saying to yourself, “Yeah right!” Well, here's something to consider. This concept typically sounds like a lot of work to those who have never tried it before. It’s important to remember we can never truly expect that which we choose to never inspect. If any of this describes you, why not give it a chance? Dollar to a doughnut, if you seriously make the effort, before long you will begin seeing more balance in your daily routines, instead of your over-filled schedules choking the life right out of your marriage.

Have you ever noticed how quickly a negative attitude seems to multiply, or the wide-spread damaging effects negative attitudes have on ourselves and others? By definition, an attitude is formed once a person assigns either a positive or negative impact to an evaluation they make of a behavior, event, issue, object, or person. You might already know, or at least find it interesting, that attitudes have a function! They exist primarily to guide a person’s behavior. Something else you might find interesting is research shows that attitudes are also directly associated with determining the level of a person’s activity.

You might be asking yourself, “Why is this important, and how does it pertain to marriage?" People who project an overall positive attitude tend to be more active and intentional than those with negative dispositions. Those more active also demonstrate higher confidence levels and tend to be more proactive in dealing with situations and managing relationships.  

If what we just learned is true, then the opposite is also likely to be true. Spouses who consistently possess negative attitudes tend to project less confidence and are more likely to become reactive when dealing with situations or managing relationships. Makes sense, because why would a husband or wife constantly view their spouse and the marriage through negative lenses naturally be inclined to participate in activities together? So, how do we overcome negative attitudes or avoid allowing them to shape our behaviors toward our spouse? Consider the following:

It takes time and hard work to change negative attitudes. And, while it involves more than what is listed here, this can be an excellent place to start. Here’s one last thing for you to consider: Your attitude about changing your attitudes will accurately predict your behavior. For you see, our attitudes do shape our actions.

My mother was one of 10 kids in her family. All totaled, she had six sisters and three brothers. When you throw in their spouses, 37 first cousins, grandparents, and an occasional friend of the family, I assure you we had some pretty crazy Christmas celebrations. There was no way all of these people would fit in my grandparent's two-bedroom farmhouse, so instead, we would rent the community center in the small Texas town close to where they lived. 

I remember these gatherings because all the women somehow knew what food item to bring so that nothing would be missing. Maybe more impressively, they would miraculously agree on how to set up everything. When it comes to men, I remember their main job was to follow the women’s instructions, especially staying out of their way when they did not have a specific task to do. Now, I know those guys possessed the ability to do things independently because when the women weren’t around, most of them seemed to have an opinion about how things should be done! All kidding aside, what I also remember is just how exhausted my Mom was at the end of the day.

While these memories are over 50 years old, not a lot has changed regarding the women’s role in celebrating Christmas with family and friends. Recent research shows that because women tend to take the lead in shopping, preparing meals, decorating the home, and managing gift-giving, they are more likely to experience holiday stress than men. The same research also shows how women feel they can relax 14% less than their spouses during the Christmas season. So, if this sounds a little familiar, here are a few suggestions for both women and men that might help avoid or at least reduce stress levels over these next few weeks.

Women:

Men:

So, what do you think? Do emotions dictate actions, or do actions determine emotions? For a lot of people, this is like trying to figure out which came first—the chicken or the egg. After all, it seems logical for a person who feels anxious or afraid to remove themselves from the situation or find a way to face their emotions head on. However, most theorists and researchers suggest that flight or fight reactions are the responses to felt emotions, which themselves are the result of some previous physiological event or action. 

Now before you short circuit any brain cells, think of it this way. Suppose it’s your first day on a new job and your boss asks you to lead the next department meeting. As a result, you notice your heart begins to race, you start sweating and then you realize you’re anxious or nervous. Later that evening, you walk through the door at home only to find your spouse dressed up and ready to go out for dinner. You forgot it was your anniversary. Once again, your heart begins to race, you start sweating and you realize you’re embarrassed and afraid you have disappointed your spouse. While it was for different reasons, the feelings of nervousness and anxiety were the response to the events or actions.

But does it really matter whether emotions drive actions or actions drive emotions? The answer is yes, especially when it comes to marriage. Constantly allowing emotions to drive your actions will ultimately disappoint you, simply because the messages associated with negative emotions can’t always be trusted. For example, you might believe your spouse’s lack of communication always makes you angry; therefore, in your mind, lashing out at them is the only way they will ever change their behavior towards you. But consider this: your spouse cannot make you angry. Their actions may leave you feeling hurt, but becoming angry is your decision. It’s what you do with your anger that determines the success or the trial.

The best way to change a negative emotion is to change the behavior associated with the emotion. The next time you experience some type of negative emotion, you might consider the following:

Acknowledge what just happened hurt your feelings, but remember that yelling or passive aggressive behavior has not produced good results in the past.  Instead of jumping to conclusions, assume positive intentions. Could their behavior be attributed to something else? Be realistic in the moment. Ask yourself, “What’s the worst thing that could happen, and what can I do to help us get through this together?"  Be more empathetic. Instead of automatically focusing on how you feel, try to understand your spouse’s position. Many times, it’s not the circumstance but the lenses you use to look at the circumstance that cause the problem.

Obviously, changing your behavior in the midst of adversity is always difficult. However, it is possible with God’s help. The apostle Paul reminds us in 2 Corinthians 12:9 that God’s strength is made perfect in our weakness. We’re also told in Luke 12:12 that we can trust God’s Spirit to give us the very words we ought to say the moment we need them.

So, the next time your negative emotions try to persuade you to respond negatively, focus on replacing your negative responses with more positive actions. Eventually, the positive emotions will follow.  

I am sincerely amazed by how God created the human brain. Frankly, there are so many aspects of this incredible organ we may never know or understand. And yet, taking time to better understand what is known about the brain can certainly help explain why we do what we do... both good and bad. 

For example, in many ways, the brain is similar to a processor and hard drive in a computer. Regarding a computer, algorithms determine how and where information is encoded and stored. Then, when specific commands are given, the machine automatically retrieves the information needed to perform the exact action associated with the command. As long as no new information is introduced and stored, the same function will be performed by the computer every time, without fail. In the same way, each of us perform automatic behaviors everyday because, like a computer, everything involving those actions has been programmed into our brain. Therefore, unless new information is introduced and stored, there is no reason for these actions or habits to ever change. 

Prayer and reading the Bible are two of the most basic spiritual disciplines commanded by God, Yet, according to research, only about 4% of married Christian couples ever pray or read the Bible together. While this likely comes as no surprise, what may be an eye opener to you is this research also revealed that when Christian spouses share religious practices at home, less than 1% ever divorce and levels of marriage satisfaction among them is significantly higher than those who don’t. 

Obviously, God intends for Christian husbands and wives to incorporate these two basic disciplines into their marriage. The numbers don’t lie about the benefits. Yet, before any of these disciplines become automatic, we need to execute a few algorithms of our own, like: 

See that it makes sense - Simply stated, the first step to incorporating any kind of change, it must make sense in the mind of the one needing the change.  Create a plan together – Adequately discuss your options and determine a time in your weekly schedule that will cultivate success. Begin with 3-4 days each week, setting aside a minimum of 30 minutes without interruptions.  Make your time a priority and commit – We all know unintended circumstances often force changes to our schedules. Even so, habits are not formed without consistency. Extend grace to each other when unintended circumstances occur, but don’t let unintended circumstances become intended. Right??  Both of you participate – Take turns both reading and praying. Avoid judging or being overly critical of one another. Remember, this is new to at least one, if not both of you.  Use devotionals or short Bible studies as guides – Consult other married couples you believe could provide good advice, or simply consider searching online for the most recommended Christian couple devotionals.  Take time to record what you experience – The more consistent and committed you are, the more you will learn about yourself, each other and about God. Remember, all of this is His design, so you can be assured that you will learn and be blessed for your efforts. Writing down those experiences helps to overcome the difficult days when they come. 

Almost every couple in crisis I have counseled over the years is not praying or reading the Bible together. Contrast that with what we just learned research has proven to be true about Christian couples who do. Which category describes you and your spouse? I can only imagine the impact that married Christians can have for Christ in our world today, let alone experience the joy and happiness God intends if only spouses would seek Him together more often. So, what do you say? Let’s all work to make these new disciplines a very automatic part of our schedule!  

The terms “narcissism” and “narcissistic” appear to be getting a lot of attention these days. Much of the awareness seems to be attributed to the behavior of individuals known as Millennial’s, who essentially are people born between 1980 and 2000. Some of the more obvious characteristics of narcissism include a deep self-centeredness, a strong sense of entitlement, high craving for admiration, exaggerations of abilities, and a lack of empathy for others. 

It’s commonly believed that in teenagers and young adults, narcissism is often associated with helicopter parenting styles, such as constantly overemphasizing to children how wonderful and gifted they are, despite the presence of consistent bad behavior and poor decision making. Narcissism can also result from individuals consistently receiving awards and benefits, even though the effort put forth doesn’t warrant such accolades or recognitions. Social media also tends to play a significant role by allowing individuals to create and maintain an unrealistic façade, which, frankly, makes it easier for individuals to mask low levels of self-esteem or other damaging viewpoints of oneself.

In adults, narcissism shares most of the same characteristics as mentioned earlier. Yet here, the impact of narcissistic behavior can be more severe and widespread, mainly due to the length of time the individual has exhibited his or her behavior to others in their environments. In its extremity, this level of narcissism is often evidenced by outbursts of anger, becoming highly defensive when criticized, or demanding compliance to expectations without question. 

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a legitimate, clinically recognized personality disorder. While more people today are seemingly diagnosed with NPD, not all narcissistic attitudes and behaviors should be tagged with this label. Frankly, everyone possesses some level of narcissism, characterized by pride and demonstrated through selfishness. Even though the diagnosis and treatment strategy might not be as complex as with full blown NPD, what’s needed to overcome these types of narcissistic tendencies can be just as difficult when the individual refuses to accept responsibility.  

Whether you’re gathering information about narcissism or directly dealing with conflict manifested by narcissistic behaviors, here are three things to consider:

Real change in this area involves so much more than what is listed here. If you or someone close seems to struggle with narcissism, we suggest you take time to become educated. The staff at Mayo Clinic put together information you can find here. Should professional help be needed, we suggest you seek out a respected Christian counselor in your area. 

If you spend any time in social media or watching major news channels, then you’re aware of the chaos-making headlines regarding the world today. People appear polarized in their beliefs and perspectives like never before. The more empowered and entitled they feel, the louder they become. Considering it all, no wonder so many folks today think the world is riddled with problems so complicated they can only be resolved using complex solutions.

What you just read can also be said about marriage. In fact, if you’ll take a moment to replace the phrase “the world” with the word “marriage”, you’ll see exactly what I mean! But are the solutions to these problems really all that complex? Maybe not so much, when we think fundamentally.

Everything in life deals with fundamentals. They are the blueprint of basic principles needed to be successful at anything. Fundamentals are the bedrock, or the core upon which all things are built or established. And yet, when these basic designs and fundamental principles are devalued or disregarded, chaos and conflict are inevitable. Just ask any couple who’s been married for decades. A dollar to a doughnut, they’d agree that when marriage fundamentals are valued, they result in joy and oneness. Yet, when they are devalued and disregarded, they bring conflict and division.

So, which relationship fundamentals do veteran spouses believe lead to marital bliss? Here’s what over 50 couples who have been married for at least a decade had to offer:

In that marriage is the blending of two sinful, basically selfish individuals, there will always be problems resulting in some level of chaos. But, it’s only when spouses move away from valuing and exercising the fundamentals that experiencing joy in marriage becomes hopeless. Doing small fundamental things right over time will most generally lead to experiencing major successes.

According to the National Science Foundation, the average person thinks around 12,000 thoughts per day. The deeper thinker can have upwards to 50,000 per day! Well, if that’s not bizarre enough, the majority of thoughts also come with expectations. For example, when you insert a key into the lock of your home’s front door, you expect it to become locked or unlocked. When you deposit money into a vending machine, you expect to receive a candy bar. When you visit a restaurant, you expect to receive a certain level of service.

Now be honest! What typically occurs when we turn the key while holding a sack full of groceries and the door won’t unlock? What about when the vending machine takes our last dollar and doesn’t deliver a candy bar? Or, when our hamburger arrives overcooked and the fries are cold? Thank you! For a moment, I thought it was just me who tends to complain about these injustices! But, why do we tend to complain so easily?

Most of the time, people complain believing it will, at a minimum, make them feel better. Some even tend to believe that by complaining louder and longer, they will actually obtain their desired outcome. And why not? We have been successfully employing these strategies in order to get our way long before most of us can remember.

Considering all this, it’s no wonder marriage can often be frustrating. It involves two people with at least 24,000 combined daily thoughts (most of which are attached to expectations), who are prone to complain when they don’t get their way! So, how can we begin to do things differently? Here’s a couple of thoughts:

Examine your standards.Standards are the basic codes, principles, or ground rules one tends to live by. Most of us like to believe we have high standards and do a pretty good job of living according to these codes. Yet, as a Christian, whose standards should we really be following? You might be thinking, “Yeah, well that’s next to impossible!” It is true that God’s standards are much higher and different than those of man (Isa 55:8-9). Even so, His standards are not out of man’s reach (2 Peter 1:3). Lamentations 3:40 encourages us to “examine and probe our ways, and let us return to the Lord.” Maybe it’s time to examine which standards we desire most (ours or God’s) and which we claim to live by vs. what is really going on? Learn to effectively communicate with yourself. All of us communicate using our self-talk. You know, those scripts and reels of experiences running in our mind that tend to shape what we believe about ourselves and others. Many times, we automatically complain because we allow our self-talk to quickly convince us that we deserve something better than what we have. Next time your self-talk tries to manage or dictate your thoughts, instead of allowing your-self talk to tell you what you deserve, consider telling your-self talk that you’re not falling for it this time, and take control of what you’re thinking.

So, how much complaining is going on in your marriage? Have you taken the time to analyze your expectations around those complaints? If not, I encourage you to do so. You may possibly be surprised to find that your expectations are somewhat unrealistic. If you feel your complaints are legit but aren’t getting favorable results, instead of grumbling seek counsel for how to approach the issue from another angle.

Do you know your love language? If married, do you know your spouse’s love language? Taking it one step further, if you have children, do you know their love language? Some of you are probably asking, “What the heck is a love language?” and others of you might be asking, “So, what’s the big deal about love languages any way”? 

According to Dr. Gary Chapman’s book, his five love languages are (1) Quality Time, (2) Gifts, (3) Affirmation, (4) Physical touch and (5) Acts of service. Virtually every one of us possess at least one of these love languages. And, it is very common for people to possess at two, if not more. Therefore, when a husband or wife intentionally extends one or more of these toward each other, it says “I love you” like almost nothing else can do. 

For example, my wife Lynne’s love languages are quality time and acts of service. However, just like there are major differences in our personality temperaments, we have differing love languages as well. My two love languages are affirmation and physical touch. When I intentionally unload the dishwasher without being asked, Lynne feels loved by me. When I schedule time for us to go on a walk or simply sit together on the couch while we watch a movie, what I really communicate to Lynne is, “I know you love this, and because I want you to know how special you are to me, I choose to honor you in this way.” What’s cool is when she expresses how proud she is of me or grabs my hand when we are walking, she communicates to me the same thing!

The importance of speaking each other’s love language in marriage is quite simple. When we take time to discover each other’s love language, then make intentional efforts to exercise them, our marriage is enriched and we grow together as husband and wife. I believe the opposite is true when we don’t. Romans 12:9 tells us to let love be without hypocrisy. We are to hate what is evil and to cling to what is good, to be kindly affectionate to one another with brotherly love, giving honor and preference to one another. 

Here’s something to think about... God’s counsel here in Romans instructs how we are to love our fellow man, regardless who they are. If so, then I believe God intends much more for husbands and wives to live out His counsel in marriage. Especially when one considers how God’s design for marriage is intended to represent the relationship between Jesus and the church. 

So, now that you know about love languages and their importance to marriage, here’s some suggestions:

1. If you haven’t experienced the five love languages test, take time to take yours soon!?

2. Once you and your spouse have completed the testing process, be intentional to discuss your results with each other along with finding specific ways to exercise them in your relationship.?

3. If you have taken the test in the past, maybe it’s time to revisit your results. How well you are exercising them? What event/s led to you to stop blessing each other through your love languages.

We encourage you to visit our Strong Marriages Facebook page and let know about some of your most favorable love languages stories.

One the most popular verses of Scripture used at Christian weddings is Genesis 2:24: “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and the two of them shall become one flesh”. So, if asked what do you think it means “to become one flesh?” Some might respond that it means separating from the security and protection of parents or care-givers in order to have a single identity as husband and wife. I would admit this response is pretty accurate. However, this one flesh identity doesn’t simply appear once the couple says, “I do”. It is created over time, and in order to experience this type of relationship to the fullest, it requires that the husband and wife be connected emotionally, physically, and spiritually. 

Connected emotionally means each spouse seeks to understand, recognize and meets the emotional needs of the other. Being physically connected not only involves being on the same page regarding sexual expectations, but it could also mean agreeing on the practice of good personal hygiene. Spiritual connectedness begins with a common belief shared between husband and wife that salvation only comes through receiving Christ as Savior, then through a shared commitment to grow and mature spiritually, both individually and as a couple. When spouses are connected in these ways, there is a better chance for intimacy to exist in the marriage. 

However, virtually all Christian husbands and wives who profess they experience a real “In-to me-you-see” type of intimacy in their marriage all share one common thing. In addition to those things already mentioned, they say having a strong commitment to prayer, individually and together is the differentiator. But isn’t it strange the thing possessing so much power to bond husband and wife in marriage is also the area where most Christian spouses tend to struggle the most? If this describes you, you might consider the following:

Learning more about prayer, and making it a consistent part of your daily life, both individually and together, will enable you to experience intimacy in your marriage like never before.

Would you agree or disagree that the phrase “I love you” seems to be overused these days? Think about it, how often do we hear people say things like, “I love your dress”, “I love your shoes”, “I love this food or that food”, or “I love it when ________” (You fill in the blank)? Could it be we ascribe our love to so many things today, the emotional value attached to saying, “I love you” in our most meaningful relationships somehow becomes minimized? So, how do we differentiate between any two types of love? Should one kind of love be more exclusive than another?

The best way to logically answer either of these questions is to first identify three different types of love, two of which are mentioned in Scripture. The one type not mentioned in the New Testament is called “Eros”. This is a physical, sensual or sexual type of love. Another type of love is “Phileo”, which is a brotherly type of love. This is more of an endearing love, denoting an emotional, caring concern one individual can have for another. The strongest love mentioned in the Bible is known as “Agape”. This is an unconditional love, exemplified best by God through Jesus Christ dying on the cross for sinners, thus giving them the right to be forever called a child of God once they receive Christ as Savior.

This is also the type of love God expects husbands and wives to demonstrate in marriage. Meaning, God expects husbands and wives to show love to each other, even when one or both spouses aren't acting lovable. Yet, before any spouse can be successful in this area, he or she must make a few choices. For example:

One of the most common complaints I hear from spouses in crisis is that somewhere in time, their love for each other just seemed to become non-existent in the relationship. In almost every situation, I find that one or both spouses became complacent and no longer intentional at demonstrating their love for the other in small ways. Most admit that when they did hear their spouse say, “I love you”, their actions seldom reflected their words.

How about you? How’s your attitude about love in your marriage? I encourage you to consider taking the “Love Chapter Challenge” found in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. Because God designed marriage, He also equips each of us with the ability to experience marriage the way He intended. If this area of your marriage needs improvement, begin by asking Him to help change your attitude. Learn to see your spouse in the same perspective as does God. Ask Him to help you find ways to serve them, opposed to expecting them to make you happy in marriage. I can tell you first hand that God will hear and act on your requests.

Most of us truly are creatures of habit. Especially when it comes to our morning routines. In fact, certain statistics show that the average wake-up time for most people is approximately 6:30 am and that 61% of these individuals have followed the same routine for over one year. Some of you might ask, “What’s the big deal with having a routine”? Having a routine is not necessarily a bad thing – unless the daily rituals within the routine aren’t exactly producing positive outcomes.

People tend to be the most productive in the first 2 hours of the morning. Unfortunately, the natural tendency for most is to spend the majority of these 2 hours doing things that either require little cognitive abilities, or prime our minds to be in a reactive state for a large portion of our day.

For example, 60% of the people surveyed reported looking at their cell phones immediately after waking up. Once this happens, the brain begins to respond chemically in such a way, it makes it difficult to reposition the person’s thoughts and actions. In a similar manner, 48% admit to checking e-mail right after waking up, which naturally puts the mind in a reactive or management state, also making it tough for us to shift back into a more positive state of mind.

If you find yourself stuck in a morning routine you'd like to change, here’s a few things for you to consider:

Don’t give yourself permission to immediately engage with e-mail or social media after waking up. In fact, consider moving your phone away from your bed, possibly even to another room. Now, for those of you also using your phone as an alarm, the solution is simple... buy an alarm clock! Within moments of waking up, try not to immediately role-play yesterday’s events in your mind, or become overly anxious about today or tomorrow’s responsibilities (Matthew 6:34). Wake up earlier. Almost all highly effective people wake up early. Many of them much earlier than the average mentioned above. Plus, there’s just something about having sufficient time to control the events of your morning. Most people who rise early profess doing so allows them to do what really matters most. Remember, getting up earlier also means going to bed earlier! Fuel your body and your mind in a healthy way. Most effective people, who are also Christians, give testimony of the importance of reading Scripture, working through a devotion or journaling early in the morning. Starting each day with God not only pleases Him, but also brings His favor to us (Proverbs 8:33-35). It sets the tone in our minds for how to manage the rest of our day. Healthy eating does the same for us physically. Exercise in some way. Burning calories early in the morning can sometimes be a daunting task. However, just like eating healthy and inputting positive thoughts into your mind each day, not only will exercise strengthen your muscles and your heart, eventually you will feel much better overall. Spend quality time with family. Having adult children, I can truly say I know just how quickly our children grow up. Being married for over 35 years, I can also tell you time seems to fly by in marriage as well. You can’t go back and recapture time already spent. And yet, I can't remember regretting the time I spend with Lynne, our girls or our grand-baby over work.

So, how intentional and productive are you early in your day? Even King David realized the value of early morning intentionality (Psalms 143:8). Should you need to change some of your morning routines, just remember you need to create a plan with reachable goals. It will likely take time, but if you want to make it to the other side of the street, you must be willing to step off the curb and start walking.   

Like so many other newly married couples, within a few months of our wedding ceremony, Lynne and I began to experience more conflict in our relationship. And, not unlike most other newlyweds, it didn’t take long before we both became frustrated and isolated. What we were experiencing certainly wasn’t what either of us envisioned for our marriage, and without a “Marriage Manual” to help us understand what was happening, we were stuck in a rut. Sound familiar?

All too often when couples are dating and falling in love, various characteristics and habits that tend to aggravate one person or the other are overlooked. One reason is because they are intentionally trying to meet each other’s needs and desires; therefore, overlooking those nagging dispositions and habits are easier. Most spouses discover that what they somehow believed would change after marriage, but didn’t, have become major barriers in their relationship.

It wasn't until I realized I wasn’t responsible for changing Lynne—yet I was responsible for loving her the way God intended (Ephesians 5:25-28)—that my frustrations begin to subside. Surprisingly, because Lynne also realized the same, she began to respond to my actions with more patience and understanding. While, even after 35 years of marriage, we find ourselves occasionally still trying to change something about the other, we can generally recognize what’s going on and make necessary mid-course corrections. Here are a few suggestions that seem to work for us:

Demonstrate teamwork in the home. Even though Lynne and I are better at doing certain things both inside and outside the home, neither of us are immune from sharing chores. For example, we share responsibilities like emptying the dishwasher, doing laundry, making the bed, and getting groceries. Lynne also enjoys gardening and landscaping, so who am I to tell her she can’t! Right?? Bear each other’s burdens. Galatians 6:2 tells us we are fulfilling the law of Christ when we bear each other’s burdens. While I can’t fix Lynne’s health problems, I can support her by offering comfort and encouragement during difficult days. We intentionally try to share emotional burdens, family issues and financial concerns, while at the same time doing certain things in the marriage each of us have agreed to do (Galatians 6:5). Don’t get sucked into believing you are responsible for your spouse’s happiness, nor are they responsible for yours. Only they can experience their emotions and make decisions for themselves, and vice versa. Extend grace when one or the other neglects to do their part. Let’s be realistic: there are times when we forget or extenuating circumstances arise that keep us from fulfilling our responsibilities. Instead of demanding justice when things don’t go as agreed, try extending grace to your spouse the way you prefer when it’s you who doesn’t fulfill your responsibilities (Matthew 7:12).

If you and your spouse have never intentionally determined what each other will be responsible for in your marriage and what you will share, I encourage you to download this Responsibility Chart and make time to complete it together. Doing so just might help you better realize you too are not responsible for your husband or wife, but you are responsible to them.