Woman

An original spoken word poem about losing someone you love.

DYING LIGHT

I need to stay, let me look upon you,

And see your smile, as you rest in this place.

Your place is ready, and soon you must leave.

But I dare not move nor can walk away.

Give my sorry to your homeward angel,

Who waits to gently guide you on your way.

Please tell her, from me, she is fortunate.

To have this moment to guide you today.

And say, your smile must remain, here with me,

In my care, as you head through heavens’ gate.

I feel comfort from your warmth upon me.

Let me look upon you, my life can wait.

Your light dries my tears, as they fall from sight.

And your smile fills my strength for tomorrow,

My eyes need to see you not in sorrow,

To give me courage to see through the night.

(c) Jay Rose Ana

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An original spoken word poem of affirmation.

YOU ARE FABULOUS

I see you and I respect you.

I am ready to accept you.

Don't be afraid and don't worry.

There is no rush and no hurry.

You're amazing and fabulous.

Your truth is so miraculous.

You are so beautifully whole.

Simply you, not playing a role.

You do not fit into a box.

Nor qualify for a label.

You are uniquely you, and

Of that, you are more than able.

Should you ever struggle to cope.

Let me remind you, you bring hope.

You help me walk another mile.

And your example warms my smile.

Each new dawn lights a hopeful day.

True friends will never walk away.

You shine brightly as you stand tall.

A brilliant beacon for us all.

I see you and I respect you.

I am ready to accept you.

The votes agree unanimous.

You are utterly fabulous.

(c) Jay Rose Ana

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An original spoken word poem about being transgender and feeling like an endangered species.  

TRANSGENDER DINOSAURS

A million years passed right on by.
Countless dinosaurs lived and died.
A fricking great meteor struck the sea.
Humans woke to what they could be.
Then turned and looked the other way.
Someone else’s problem today.

 Thousands more years, fell on deaf ears.
Monuments stood thousands of years.
Millions of lives, slaves cast in stone.
Forgotten today, largely unknown.
And arguments, and fights, and wars.
Over lands, and skies, and fields and shores.

Hundreds of years trading on fears.
Promises for sale, delivering tears.
The skies now filled with chimney smoke.
Ashen hopes in a filthy cloak.
Loosening grasp of what life means.
Forget the beautiful things we've seen.

Tens of years yet millions of tears.
Wondering why, hiding with fears.
Went by for us, lines for a bus.
Fake deals, two for them one for us.
Turning the dial, earning a dime.
Struggling to survive, turning to crime.

Months pass on by, silently shout.
Why am I here? What's life all about?
Some standing tall, bursting with pride.
Some can't wait to get off this ride.
Some cry, some fall, some die, some shout.
Most shrinking small, veiled in doubt.

Hours go by, we run out of tea.
To the shops, dishing hate to me.
Braving past the ‘isms and ‘phobes.
Virtue signals, turning their nose.
Clenching fists and keeping scores.
Oh god! I miss the dinosaurs.

(c) Jay Rose Ana

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Original spoken word poetry about exploring and drifting along the beautiful River Severn in the United Kingdom.

SEVERN HEAVEN

I am in heaven.
Everything I imagine.
Or ever could imagine.
I am in heaven.

And who did I find?
I found me right there, dwellin’.
No more hate, no one yellin’.
I am in heaven.

I hover and glide.
Upon the wing of a prayer.
Smiling face, the wind in my hair.
Oh! I am in heaven.

As far as the eyes,
Can see, nothing but heaven.
A cooling breeze, waters are clear,
Trees are free, heaven.

Breathing easily.
No more stress, the air is free.
And I feel like me. One, two, three
Four, five, six, heaven.

I have found where my heart longs to be.
The place where I can be free, be me.
Amidst the graceful streams of heaven.
Floating along, the River Severn.

(c) Jay Rose Ana

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Original spoken word poetry about feeling out of place.

THE CANVAS WEEPS

Is what I am doing selfish?
Is that why I feel alone?
Surrounded by understanding faces.
Making carefully considered spaces.
For them, not me, the different one.

Slowly extracting me from them,
Through the label of assurity.
They call it inclusion.
Yet, I feel an intrusion.
Into their normality.
A juxtaposition of morality.

Some think it a triviality.
Some call it, losing my marbles.
Some call it, tolerance and understanding.
Some use transphobic language,
A lexicon, created for people like me.
A gift, from the world,
Thank you so much for describing me.

Another form of labelling.
An abstraction of a human painting.
Framed within an open prison.
Solitary. Alone. Disconnected.
Surrounded by walls of solidarity.

I am, for the world to see, a moment in time.
Stillness captured, but I am, and always will be, me.
A dichotomy. So, I smile, and I wonder.
If they will ever see, the love between the layers of me.

They do look on with appreciation.
For the sacrifice they make in the name of we.
But I am no more than a blend of their tones.
Artwork for its colour than meaning.
Sporadically put on show, placed prominently,
Then veiled and left to gather dust.
Just inside the glance of passing feet.
But just outside the reach of a heartbeat.

So, dust it is, my only friend.
A unique perspective.
A beautiful never.
A lost forever.
A sealed window to a selfish me.
And there, right there, amongst the dust.
The colours fade.

As the years pass,
The frame gently splinters.
And over many, many, winters.
The dust keeps,
And the canvas weeps.

(c) Jay Rose Ana

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Original spoken word poetry about an impossible awakening from a dream state, and yet, it happened in 2009. It never happened before, nor since, and I simply cannot explain it.  

A LUCID DREAM

I once had a dream.

A waking dream.

Lucid, I believe it is called.

I was heading down some stairs,

In a dusty old brown house.

One hand upon the wall.

The other, well, I don’t recall.

My body was moving,

Like on a sleepy ride.

But my mind was awake,

Somewhere deep inside.

I remember thinking.

Whilst wide eyed blinking.

That I have been here before.

And in a moment,

I felt the urge to explore.

My movement felt poetic,

But restricted, under anaesthetic.

And my limbs did not obey.

Like I was on the tracks of a railway.

As I descended the stairs.

I could feel the hairs,

On the back of my neck.

I was too nervous to check.

But I wasn’t afraid.

The reason because,

This is my grans house.

Or, at least, it was.

My gran has been gone,

For many, many years.

So, this dream is impossible,

Which increased my fears.

And in that moment,

My mind popped awake.

And in these ominous surroundings,

I started to shake.

I would like to say my gran was remarkable.

And to me she was.

As a child her light was considerable.

For the rest of the world,

She was the outcome of missed opportunity.

Filling her lungs daily with impurity.

Fourty cigarettes a day was what she had.

Sixty if the day was really bad.

Six days per week.

And on the seventh day, well, she had bingo.

A gin and tonic accompanied a pint.

The pint was never drunk, it was only for show.

A full glass overflowing, for those who would never know.

But I need to know.

What is going on?

I try to raise a hand.

It’s held back by the morning sun.

It was shining through the glass of the front door.

And, if I could feel that,

I wanted to feel more.

I felt my body turn.

It was no longer at rest.

I tried to stay steady,

And I tried to protest.

Slowly, I reached for the latch of the door.

I turned the lock, it clicked, then clicked once more.

And the door started to open,

Its seal now broken.

And the outside sun poured in.

And, relieved, I let out a grin.

And then I felt a jolt,

In the pit of my soul.

Invisible elastic pulling me back up the stairs.

Something else was in control.

And then I sat up,

In bed, wide awake.

And as I calmed down,

I thought, was this a mistake?

And as I felt the shaking cease,

I embraced an inner peace.

Sitting upon my divan.

I felt blessed, to remember my gran. 

(c) Jay Rose Ana

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Original spoken word poetry about searching for someone to share your journey.  

WHAT WILL YOU BE?

Who or what will I be?
Where and when will you see?
When can I be just me?
Where can I live freely?

My future I foresee.
Rescind he for just she.
Push back years of debris.
Find myself and face me.

Who out there will hold me?
Be my one devotee?
I swear if you find me.
From you I will not flee.

You know where to find me.
Just beneath the oak tree.
The thought I have for thee.
Who or what will you be?

(c) Jay Rose Ana

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Original spoken word poetry about gender dysphoria and growing up in the 1970s.

1976 NANCY BOY

Smoke. Industrial smoke. Chimney smoke.

Thick smoke from un-serviced motor cars.

Smoke from life-long chain smokers, roll ups,

Cigarettes of a thousand brands,

Filled with rubbish shared by dirty hands.

Rubbish in filthy streets piled so high,

Swarms of houseflies don’t have to try.

And bile, darned socks, and untied laces,

String-tied shorts, hand-me-down unwashed shirts,

Kicking cans with dirty washed faces.

Laughing at a dying cat, trampled, kicked,

Not even left to scream its last breath.

Furless tail, passed round, a party piece.

Tossed like trash into the old canal,

Stones and sticks, a welcome grasp below.

Finding splice amongst shopping trolleys.

The wail of sirens pierces laughter.

The merry group, off to school, to learn,

Of things, their brief lives, will never use.

The furnace awaits, smoke and fumes.

Cheap cigarettes at the school gates,

Under the headmaster’s watching eye.

Cane in hand, face or hands, he doesn’t mind.

Teachers leave the quiet kid alone,

Circled by captors standing on thrones.

Taunting the Nancy boy, he submits.

Bruised, crying, the shrieking school bell sounds,

And he, accepts his fate, floating down.

Beyond hope, into the dumbed down depths,

Holding breath, in the classroom canal.

Finding splice with dead bugs in his desk.

It is better than the place called home.

A painful whack wakes the escape.

Smirks, and pain, and taunts, his classroom friends.

A Nancy boys life, so she must wait, and hold her breath.

(c) Jay Rose Ana

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Original spoken word poetry about believing in yourself when faced with disappointment.

DISAPPOINTMENT

Your clear disappointment in me.

I saw it immediately.

Cloudy, grey ash topped with black slate.

Your pursed thin lips, condemn my fate.

Suspense hung in the morning air.

Pressing firmly upon my hair.

The briefest flicker of your eyes.

About to pronounce something wise.

Self-assuming, I come to grips.

Attempt to lift my heavy chips.

And hear the sharp tone of your word.

“There is always next time”, I heard.

Spoken by you with half a heart,

Pass judgement, end without start.

A harsh line in hypocrisy.

Your verdict, my mediocrity.

“You learn a lesson when you fail!”

Rising emotions, alarms wail.

“Learn to accept disappointment!”

Reconsider your employment.

A brief lesson in history.

Metaphors fill the mystery.

Rise and fall of unknown nations.

"Learn to manage your frustrations!"

A lot of searching of the soul.

Their misplaced words do not console.

Learning, lots of preparation.

Discouraging separation.

“It makes you stronger” I am told.

Let the reworked quotes, unfold.

“Stay focused, look on the bright side”.

I want a ticket off this ride.

As childhood itself was indeed,

Preparation, the planted seed.

The place where disapproval breeds.

Stamping out joy and other needs.

Original thought, how to cope.

Passion, imagination, hope.

In favour of what? Want and greed.

Are these things we really need?

Stress, anxiety, hanging rope.

Grasping to the slippery slope.

“Don’t let this setback, get you down.”

"Persevere, you will get your crown".

“People have succeeded from worse.”

And the rest, march behind the hearse.

Better that, than laid within it.

It doesn't matter how you spin it.

You were way too quick off the mark.

To pour water over my spark.

Inopportune. Ahead of time.

But your confidence was sublime.

A poor initial assumption.

Though you may show no compunction.

A premature disappointment.

Falsely grounded, somewhat poignant.

I most happily succeeded.

You assumed my joy was impeded.

And my quiet jubilation.

Unaffected by dissuasion.

You underestimated me.

You closed your eyes and did not see.

Your disappointment I endure.

My personal belief, demure.

I am not a disappointment.

A plaything for your enjoyment.

Judge me on your personal scale.

Because I succeed where you fail.

I am proud of my own success.

Whilst you pick apart and obsess.

Something you may want to think through.

The disappointment here, is you.

(c) Jay Rose Ana

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Original spoken word poetry about trusting your inner strength through gender transition

I was met with many challenges when starting out in gender transition. I felt, almost every day, every hour, my strength was being tested. At a time when I was still coming to terms with being known as a transgender woman. But, through the love and support of others I learned to have faith in myself through the kindness of others. 

UNBREAKABLE

I will not, fall-down, at your feet. 

Why, do you think, of me, so meek? 

I am not shook, by bile, and hate. 

My faith is strong, my course is straight. 

The clues, appeared, right from the start. 

Your anger, doesn’t come, from your heart. 

Uncertainty, hints, through your tone. 

You're standing tall, but sit alone.

And I see you, for what you are.

Oh, and I know you see you too.

I see through your vermillion smile,

And beyond, to your craven hue.

For, it is not me, you detest. 

But, is something inside, of you. 

So, you have put, yourself on test. 

And, you have failed, I see that, too.  

I don’t ask, for your permission, 

I don’t require, your gated view. 

But, if you take a pause, for breath, 

I’ll listen, to why, you feel blue.  

And I hope, from this, you will learn. 

Trust, your heart, as you surely yearn. 

For something, you can't, get from me. 

I'm unbreakable, can’t you see? 

(c) Jay Rose Ana

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►  CREDITS

Image Credit: Ben Mack from Pexels

Music Credit: Biz Baz Studio

Original spoken word poetry about the kindness of strangers during gender transition.

Since coming out as a transgender woman, I have been lucky to find the kindness of strangers on many occasions. Quite often, at coffee shops (which I love and go to a lot for coffee and cake), and it is lovely when people ask to join me. I do not know why this is, it never happened when I was a man but I feel fortunate it does happen. It gives me strength and confidence in my gender transition.

COFFEE, CAKE, AND CHROMOSOMES

Sat in a cosy coffee shop,
Staring down at a pill to pop.
And sticky patch to wear, somewhere,
Though, I have no idea where.

Funny things, those chromosomes.
They can make you feel, not at home.
Not quite aligned, within your soul.
Like you came with a loophole.

I gaze out whilst I drink and eat,
And people watch, the busy street.
And stir my coffee, lost in thought.
Is this the end of feeling fraught?

Is this the start of something big?
I have waited long, for this gig.
To start on hormone therapy,
A long-awaited dream for me.

Chromosome Y reads S R Y,
A sorry state, my X and Y.
But I’ve cried all my tears to cry,
I have even stopped asking why.

Someone draws near, she stands a while.
“May I sit here?”, a friendly smile.
“What are those?” she asks as she sits.
“These are my future”, I insist.

“You must be trans?” she enquires.
I nod, and sip, time transpires.
“I think you are so brave”, she adds.
“May I ask, just how many days?”

“Fifty-six”, I say, thereabout,
“That is from the day I came out.”
“However, today is day one,
For H R T to be begun.”

“If it helps, you do pass”, she says.
“Thank you, you're being kind”, I blaze,
And blush, and have the reason why.
If I passed, you'd have walked on by.

“I have a special friend, who’s true”.
“She is, transgender, just like you”.
“She's had it hard, struggles, right now”.
“I want to help, but don't know how”.

“I doubt I would be any use”.
“I get my own fill of abuse”.
“It helps when people say hello”.
“Whether they do or don't quite know”.

We sit, chat, and talk about that.
Drink coffee, eat cake, and chit-chat.
She says goodbye, a fond farewell.
I hold the pill, my mind does dwell.

A crossroad in front, in my head.
Was there doubt? When I went to bed?
No, just thoughts of the side effects.
Medication demands respect.

Testosterone block, here I go.
Then Oestrogen patch, sticks on slow.
No turning back, this is my way.
One more step forward, every day.

Coffee break done, back to my day
Random kindness, goes a long way.
A smile, a word, a happy glance.
It brings me hope, this happenstance.

(c) Jay Rose Ana

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► CREDIT

Photo by Lisa from Pexels

Music Evergreen by Geographer

Original spoken word poetry about the gender dysphoria and reaching out to professionals for help.

As an introvert I sometimes find it hard to talk openly so I use poetry to express my whole-self, gender affirmation and transitioning from male to female. This poem is about the two times I went to my GP's for help starting my gender transition from male to female.

GENDER DYSPHORIA

Two doctors spoke differently,
When asked for help, instinctively.
The first open, and receptive,
The second guarded, deflective.
The first, he listened intently,
The second, judgementally.
The first replied “I will help you”,
The second, “What is wrong with you?”.

People, you know, are just people,
No matter what their profession.
It is whilst talking to people,
I learn a very good lesson,
People will always surprise me,
Not behave how I might expect.
And that is on me, and should be,
So, I listen with deep respect.

I confess, how I truly feel.
Miss nothing, nothing to conceal.
My trust is in their expertise,
One, acts, like I have a disease.
I need to express me as whole,
And being me, well, that’s my goal.
I just cannot go it alone.
So, I am in the danger zone.

I need their support to diagnose,
The thing my heart already knows.
The thing that stops me feeling whole,
The thing, my truth, deep in my soul.
They call it gender dysphoria,
Yet, one listens with aporia.
One will help, but does not know how,
The other not, raising a brow.

I feel so lost, nowhere to turn,
The pain inside, begins to burn.
Please refer me, that is all I need!
I feel the urge to kneel and plead.
But I sit still, nod with respect.
After all, what did I expect?
A miracle, by any chance?
I am just a man, at first glance.

What will it take, what do they need?
What can I say, my words just bleed.
All I have left, an open heart.
And yet they feel a world apart.
“Let’s check your health and vital stats”.
“You're healthy and well, my congrats”.
But you're on your own, from today.
I'll check your blood, now go away!

But the first doctor, has a thought,
A sense perhaps, that I am fraught?
And wrote some words upon my file.
Gender Dysphoria, Oh, my smile!
I have never felt more disposed,
Than on the day I was diagnosed.
“Have counselling, just to be sure”,
The words I heard before the door.

And then the wait, it soon began.
It seems the list, is longer than,
A longer list, I could not find.
So, I wait, with an open mind.
That one day soon, in a few years.
Help will come, that fell on deaf ears.
And whilst I wait, I’ll live as me.
Full of hope, for the day I’m free.

(c) Jay Rose Ana

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► CREDITS

Gender Dysphoria Photo by cottonbro from Pexels
Music Silence for a Film by Ann Annie

Original spoken word poetry about facing fears and accept myself during gender transition.

As a transgender woman, I needed to prove to myself that I could face the world as me. There were lots of doubts and self reflection, and fear and anxiety filled every moment. When they day came to step out into the world, and prove to myself that I could do, I almost did not. I almost quit. And then, from nowhere, I heard a voice in my head and it was her.

FROZEN AT THE DOOR

Whilst getting ready this morning,

Thoughts are lost, distant, with warning.

I want to stop, break-down and cry,

Possibly worse, I think to try.

But I need to prove to myself,

That my head is not full of crap.

That I can step into the world,

Outside, and deal with all of that.

I get ready, ready as me.

Make-up on, a false guarantee.

Slip on heels, the moment draws near.

Joy leaves me, surrendered to fear.

Stood by the door, holding the latch.

Body froze, like waiting to hatch.

Freeze frame, an unseen exhibit.

I can’t do it, I admit it.

What will people really think?

What will people really do?

What will people really say?

Will I ever just be, okay?

I feel fear for my family,

I feel fear for my closest friends.

I feel to blame for everything,

That I live my life to defend.

I look deep into the mirror,

And the mirror looks back at me.

I am a fool, a foolish mess,

A joke, is all that I can see.

Fear and doubt, and critical self.

It’s just a door I tell myself.

My fingers numb, they will not move.

Just what am I trying to prove?

I look again, in the mirror.

The view makes me reconsider.

Who am I kidding? I'm a fool.

Hate the world, our world is cruel.

You don’t pass, they will laugh and say.

Demons in my head have their play.

“A middle-age man that's where you're at!”.

Demons say, "have you thought of that?".

I try to cry, but no tears come,

Hating myself, what have I done?

A foolish plan should be undone.

No love for me, for what begun.

And then, a hope, and then, a thought,

And then, a sound, and then, its caught.

What was that sound, what can I hear?

I swear I heard, “when?”, in my ear.

"Today is good, the day is here".

"Trust me", said the voice in my ear.

And then I knew, knew it was she.

“I'll take it from here”, trust in me.

She turned the latch, confidently.

And I felt her smile, she is free.

And I accept her, joyfully.

For I am her, and she, is me.

(c) Jay Rose Ana

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Frozen By The Door Photo by Maria Orlova from Pexels

Music Chords of Harmony by Aakash Gandhi

Original spoken word poetry about believing in yourself when coming out

NEVER NOT SURE

It would seem, that never before,

Did I need to be quite so sure?

But in fact, the pure thing they miss,

At all their consequent remisce,

Is that I am quite secure, and

Truly, I was never not sure.

I did the work, I thought it through,

Reached out and heard a view or two.

Some said no and some were distraught.

But way before, I kind of thought,

I would push through, I would endure,

Because, I was never not sure.

When they told me it was a choice?

I listened to my inner voice.

It never once argued against,

To me, it felt like common sense.

When they asked if there was a cure,

For what? I was never not sure.

The long-awaited day arrived,

And all their poking I survived.

And I am feeling pretty great.

I am me, and me is my fate.

So, when they come banging the door,

Let them, I was never not sure.

(c) Jay Rose Ana

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Original spoken word poetry about coming out as transgender for the first time.

COMING OUT

Coming out first time, for me, was torture,

But now it happens each, and every, day.

It was not, it seems, a one-off gesture.

endlessly watching people walk away.

Pointing a finger, saying no, no way.

Hating and shaking their heads in dismay.

These words are now forever on display,

To capture my life, going my own way.

I will say I do not have the answers,

Heaven knows I have so sincerely tried.

So, with words I try to paint a canvas,

Impasto, leaving nothing left to hide.

I do not even know the right question,

That people take to broad opposition,

I listen hard to every suggestion,

Until I find the right definition.

I continue with my declaration,

With open heart, each fabulous new day.

And refine my simple explanation,

That I am coming out, say what you may.

(c) Jay Rose Ana

►  SOCIAL MEDIA 

• website ➭ https://www.jayroseana.com/

• tiktok ➭ https://www.tiktok.com/@jayroseana

• pinterest ➭ https://www.pinterest.co.uk/jayroseana/

• twitter ➭ https://twitter.com/jayroseana/

• reddit ➭ https://www.reddit.com/user/jayroseana/

FORGIVENESS

Forgiveness is a special gift.

Our compassion heals harbored rift.

Releasing hurt and wandered truth.

Gives kind repose to squandered proof.

Illusions lead to vanity,

Valiance propels to clarity.

Empathy unlocks sympathy.

New found sense, frees antipathy.

Embrace your soul, reach out your hand.

Let life move on, like drifting sand.

Show calm, forgive, and let it go.

Strength is in you, more than you know.

(c) Jay Rose Ana

A shorter remix of Dear Allies

DEAR ALLIES REMIX

(c) Jay Rose Ana

When times seem hard, and when life seems impossible, and when you struggle to face the world. Focus on getting through today because you are going to be okay.

YOU ARE GOING TO BE OKAY

You are going to be okay,

Focus on getting through today.

You have come already this far,

Take a moment, reflect on who you are.

Consider the obstacles you have overcome.

And think of the good you have done.

Take a moment, you have earned it today.

You are going to be okay.

Most things turn out alright,

You will absolutely shine bright!

Talk to someone new with whom you connect.

Welcome their perspective, and listen with respect.

Set yourself a tiny goal or two, perhaps be more proactive.

Give your mind a distraction, something physically active.

Learn a new skill and explore your inner self.

It will boost your confidence, getting yourself off the shelf.

You have a new sense of purpose, personal belief.

When you look upon your life, be it with good humour in relief.

Your positive feelings are their own reward.

Sharing joy with others, is a direction you could head toward.

Say thank you, more often, for something kind someone has done.

If someone reaches out for you, do not hide, do not run.

You have got this. It may not feel that way today,

But take strength from this, you are doing great.

You are going to be okay.

(c) Jay Rose Ana

Woman Volume 2 Photo by Aleksandar Pasaric from Pexels

You Are Going To Be Okay Photo by Matteus Silva from Pexels

When enduring episodes of transphobic behaviour I try and imagine a better world where the hate is replaced by a smile and an open friendly hand. Sometimes, that hand can feel far away so unfortunately, it remains a dream but, I hope, that dream will one day come true. I don't think it is just transphobic behaviour. I imagine everyone, at some time, has been pushed around, bullied or met with bad behaviour just for being seen as a bit different.

WORDS OF HOPE

In the future, Lets hope we may find,

The fall of divisions in human kind.

No more judgements of hate or of greed,

People helping people, with things they need.

Painting a picture, right words to find.

That made the world, finally change its mind.

A seed was planted, the world then turned.

Spreading it roots, touching all those spurned.

A message of hope, built to withstand.

You can change your mind, its hopeful demand.

Love and care, people being brave.

Speaking out loud to those who will scathe.

No more labels, no more hateful demands.

Kind words, an open mind, a helping hand.

(c) Jay Rose Ana

Woman Volume 2 Photo by Aleksandar Pasaric from Pexels

Words of Hope Photo by lalesh aldarwish from Pexels

#hope #wellbeing #positiveenergy #jayroseana

YOU ARE FABULOUS

For you are fabulous, and

Amazingly generous. Your

Beauty is contagious, you're

Utterly ravenous. Your

Love is fathomless, and 

Oozing ampleness. You are

Uniquely miraculous, put

Simply, you are fabulous.

(c) Jay Rose Ana

You are Fabulous Photo by James Wheeler from Pexels

Anxiety was commonplace for me in 2020 especially being a transgender woman. Lockdown meant more working and socialising from home, which inevitably meant meeting more people for the first time. Switching on a webcam means everyone can see you for the first time and that can feel uncomfortable and fuel anxiety. But, remember you are beautiful and there is no one else like you.

CAN YOU SEE ME?

I cannot breathe,

I am frozen in space.

Will they seethe?

I feel so out of place.

I cannot find air,

My lungs are tight.

Thoughts are where?

My head feels light.

I am losing my voice.

How will I sound?

Do I have a choice?

My head starts to pound.

I check my reflection,

My skin is pale.

Do I have an infection?

I feel the urge to bail.

Panic setting in, STOP!

I am who I am!

Wipe away the tear drop,

And switch on the webcam.

You are beautiful,

You are true,

Your soul is immutable,

There is no one like you.

(c) Jay Rose Ana

Woman Volume 2 Photo by Aleksandar Pasaric from Pexels

Can You See Me? Photo by Wendy Wei from Pexels

#anxiety #mentalhealthawareness #jayroseana #webcam #fear

What they don't tell you about transitioning!

Nobody told me, when I transitioned my gender, I would be sharing everything I have with the women in my house!

SHARING IS CARING

Something shocking I found out,

When I recently came out.

Was how it feels, to share everything I own,

Including my clothes, with the women in my home!

My wife is in my dress again,

I saw her dancing around the bedroom floor,

It is funny, because not so long ago,

That was me, behind closed doors.

My wife has nicked my hair band again.

She seems to do it all the time.

I cannot even find a hairbrush,

So, its shaggy, this hair of mine.

She has also nicked my lipstick again.

I can see it on her face.

Now, there is hardly any left,

She has found my hiding place.

My daughter has nicked my earrings again.

This problem is getting worse.

I was getting ready to go to the shops,

But I could not find my purse.

I found it later, in my daughters’ room.

She thinks she looks so fab!

It is quite odd because when I bought it,

She told me it looked quite drab.

She has also nicked my face cream again.

She has rubbed it in her cheeks.

Well, that is the end of twenty quid,

I will not see it again for weeks.

I have nicked my wife’s eyeliner again.

She will stare at me wide-eyed.

But it looks better on me, than it does on her,

Quick, she is coming, run and hide!

(c) Jay Rose Ana

Woman Volume 2 Photo by Aleksandar Pasaric from Pexels

Sharing is Caring Photo by Marcelo Moreira from Pexels

Pursue your goals and never give up. Extra Track: Turn your dream into reality and remember that persistence in doing anything is achieving success despite the obstacles in your way.

PERSEVERANCE

"Our greatest weakness lies in giving up.

The most certain way to success,

Is always to try just one more time."

- Thomas Edison

"It does not matter how slowly you go,

As long as you do not stop."

- Confucius

"You do what you can for as long as you can,

And when you finally can't,

You do the next best thing.

You back up, but you don't give up."

- Chuck Yeager

"Never give up, 

For that is just the place and time,

That the tide will turn."

- Harriet Stowe

"Life is like riding a bicycle.

To keep your balance,

You must keep moving."

- Albert Einsten

"Nothing could be worse,

Than the fear that one had given up too soon,

And left one unexpended effort,

That might have saved the world."

- Jane Addams

"When you are going through hell,

Keep on going.

Never, never, never, give up."

- Winston Churchill

"I was taught the way of progress,

Is neither swift nor easy."

- Marie Curie

"It always seems impossible until it’s done."

- Nelson Mandela

"Perseverance is failing 19 times,

And succeeding the 20th."

- Julie Andrews

(c) Jay Rose Ana

Photo by Harshi Rateria from Pexels

Even the darkest days have their turning point. Maintaining positive mental health is essential in managing the down days and accepting yourself for who you are.

BRAND NEW DAY

Today is a brand-new day!

And to be honest, 

I did not think I would see the dawn.

Engulfed in my own darkness, 

I lay in the dark, my life withdrawn.

Not even the light of the twinkling moon.

As I lay surrendered, life immune.

Despondent, and hollow, 

One by one, between finger and thumb,

Lay a bitter pill to swallow.

I had no more tears left to fall,

And I had no more friends to call.

The blackest night turned shallow grey,

Hours of confusion, a surge of blue, then came day.

And in the briefest pause, between the two, 

I saw it all!

I saw the beauty of life itself,

Through the grace of a shooting star!

So assured, 

Painting the sky,

With its magnificent trail so, so far!

I felt its connection as it passed me by,

And in that moment, 

I found the strength,

To give my own life,

One more try.

With that spark, 

The earth held me close.

The wind blew away,

My gathered dust, my lonely ghost.

The morning dew,

Refreshed my repose.

And the sun, 

That bright morning, sun, 

It warmed my soul.

I felt a jolt of life, 

From my head to my toe, 

And for the first time,

In a very long while, 

I felt whole.

I heard a faraway voice, 

From deep inside my mind.

Sit up, stand up, 

Take a breath, be kind.

Accept what is done, 

Pick yourself up,

Get up on your feet, 

You are not giving up!

I push my hands deep into the earth,

My fingers clasp dirt as I feel rebirth.

I have been as far as anyone can go,

Beyond the edge to the point below.

And just before those final feet,

I found the strength,

To take one step forward, and repeat. 

I now understand,

The difference one small step can make.

A friendly hand outreached, 

An apology for a mistake.

I cannot change the whole wide world, 

But I can live my life as me.

I am the change I seek, 

And the world, 

Well, for today at least, 

I am free.

(c) Jay Rose Ana

Woman Volume 2 Photo by Aleksandar Pasaric from Pexels

Brand New Day Photo by Jonathan Petersson from Pexels

An original poem about making a big change in life.

THE SKY OF MANY SUMMERS

The sky hung out like washing on a line.

Clouds drip dry, as birds resign.

The distant rumble of a passenger jet.

Fuelled by hopes of a better yet.

The falling leaf, the seasons end.

Releasing the branch, starts to descend.

Life asunder, a crack of thunder!

A lightning bolt gives thoughts a jolt.

Blossom rests, love left behind,

Nowhere to turn, no one to find.

Cold, damp grass, captures the fall.

The empty sky, an impenetrable wall.

Love is lost, above the clouds up there.

New life marked by the sunshine’s glare.

And even the rainbow, looks down upon,

Its frowning sign, it is time to move on.

(c) Jay Rose Ana

Woman Volume 2 Photo by Aleksandar Pasaric from Pexels

The Sky Of Many Summers Photo by Lerkrat Tangsri from Pexels

When telling the first few people about my planned gender transition I was met with a mixed response. I partly did not really know what to say to people nor how to say eloquently how I was feeling. Some of these people walked away from me. I found that when I patiently sat and listened to people, about their views, I was much more able to understand their perspective. Some of them still walked away but listening to their viewpoint made me a stronger person.

WASTED TIME

It is never a waste of time,

To listen to what is on someone’s mind.

Even if their views, 

With yours, don't chime.

It is never a waste of time,

To sit and reflect,

On what someone has said,

If the alternative is regret.

It is never a waste of breath,

To maintain an open mind.

Even if you do not understand,

It is worth trying this time.

It is never out of place,

To maintain a sense of grace.

To think ours instead of mine.

That is all that matters, over time.

It is a waste of time,

To hold hate in your heart.

Let it go today,

Make a brand new start.

Be kind, have grace.

Sit, and listen, face to face.

Breath deep, trust yourself, do not fret.

If you do these things, 

You may surprise yourself yet.

(c) Jay Rose Ana

Woman Volume 2 Photo by Aleksandar Pasaric from Pexels

Wasted Time Photo by Zack Jarosz from Pexels

My gender transition began whilst embracing my whole-self. The discovery of self is frought with forgotten memories that can surface quickly and become overwhelming. Finding the strength in yourself to face obstacles, and overcome them, is the balance of the things in your life that you can and cannot control. 

HIDDEN TREASURE

For her, words are not enough.

Her picture holds a thousand lies.

Lies that bind, binds that are blind.

She digs deeper and deeper to find,

Her truth, her core, the bedrock of her mine.

The breathing red heart, the poisoned chalice.

The sleeping dragon, the shot that killed Alice.

Buried somewhere, in the deep confined,

That treasured thing, peace of mind.

But nothing is free, there will be a cost.

The risk she takes, her sanity lost.

A dying heart, a dragon slayed.

An empty chalice, an eternal maze.

Spiralling down, tumbling through,

No handhold in sight, will she ever breakthrough?

How deep is this cavern? Only time will tell.

The truth she yearns, her personal hell.

A stone-cold heart, dragon bones,

A dusty cup, and still she roams.

Broken and shattered, her treasures scattered.

The ground hits hard, body battered.

An unusual rock, an archaeological find.

She has been this way before, her path undefined.

What is going on? 

Where did she fall?

Will anyone hear?

The silence of her call?

There, in the ground, a picture, of her.

Deep in her mind, memories stir.

She remembers now, she sees it all.

But can no longer stand, she can barely crawl.

The discovery made, the answer she seeks. 

From deep within, painful truth shrieks.

Deaths hand outstretched, demands a soul.

Her journeys end, the price of the toll.

(c) Jay Rose Ana

Woman Volume 2 Photo by Aleksandar Pasaric from Pexels

Hidden Treasure Photo by Nilay Ramoliya from Pexels

Transitioning gender has its ups and downs and can impact our mental health and wellbeing. It is the way we conduct ourselves in those times that gives us the experience and confidence to move forward. Trust in yourself, believe in you, and smile because you are fabulous.

HOT AIR BALLOON

Some days, I feel like a hot air balloon,

Some days, I am holding the rope.

Some days, I feel like soaring up high,

Some days, well, I just don't.

On the days when I dream of floating proud,

I could fill the world with hope.

On the days when I feel tied to the ground,  

It’s all I can do to cope.  

Days afloat are when I am found,

Anxiety and fear elopes.

On the days when my fears abound,

I cling on, best I can, to slippery slopes.

Some days I look to the clouds in the sky,

Some days my head just falls, and I cry.

Some days I wonder if I really belong,

Some days I fear I may not be strong.

Some days I feel like yes, yes, yes,  

Some days I retreat with no.  

The days when fear outweighs hope,

Are days when strong winds blow.

It is in those winds that I really know,

How well I truly cope.

Because its not the fear of holding the rope,

The fear is letting go.

(c) Jay Rose Ana

Woman Volume 2 Photo by Aleksandar Pasaric from Pexels

Hot Air Balloon Photo by Dids from Pexels

Transphobic behaviour from others can have a major impact particularly at the early stages of gender transition. Finding the strength to believe in yourself is essential to your wellbeing. During my early days of transition I was anxious, hesitant, and unsure of myself, and this was a time when I was still coming to terms with my situation. Transphobic comments will often emerge at the times they are least expected but trust yourself, be you, and remember the majority of the time the people hurling abuse at you are really hurling it at themselves. You are beautiful and unique. #stayfabulous

SAY IT AGAIN

Say it again.

Say it all again.

If you want, then shout.

Really make sure,

You miss nothing out. 

I want to hear it all, 

So shout it loud, every variation. 

Hold nothing back, more than words, 

I want the whole sensation! 

Come on, give it to me.

Is that all you have got? 

I am still here.

And I am still standing.

Is that your lot? 

Dig deeper, I will not ignore.

I can take your scathing rot.

I have taken it before, 

And I will take it again.

So, come on big shot! 

I want you to feel,

How it really feels to be you.

And to hate, such hate, 

Come on, you have got it in you! 

Let it all out, I am standing right here.

Lets really get raw.

And when you are done, start over, 

I am ready for more. 

And when your words run out, 

And when your well runs dry.

I will sit with you, 

Hold your hand, 

Rest your head, 

Whilst you cry. 

You are not the first, 

And you will not be the last.

I am one with who I am.

Your hateful words, 

Will never get past. 

(c) Jay Rose Ana

Woman Volume 2 Aleksandar Pasaric from Pexels

Say it Again Photo by Engin Akyurt from Pexels

Finding that moment when you realise who you are.

COMPLETELY UNEXPECTEDLY

Some of the best things in life,

Happen through hard work and determination.

Some of the best things in life,

Happen completely unexpectedly at a service station.

Like driving home, one night, on a long commute.

And suddenly, life makes sense.

And even though it sounds totally crazy,

As you pull into the services.

You have made the first fence.

And you cry, happy tears, uncontrollably.

And you want to dance in the rain.

And when you get home,

The tears are of joy.

And you want to dance all over again.

And you find the courage to talk to someone.

And share the sense you found.

And they listen.

And they hold you.

And they smile as you utter every sound.

And they encourage you to be your best self.

Whatever that may be. 

Authentically.

And they stand by your side.

So you do not have to hide.

And you decide, in your own time.

That realising your true gender is one of those,

“whatever that may be” things.

And for the first time, your heart sings.

And life starts new things.

Some bad, some good, and some in-between.

But all those insecurities that weighed you down, 

Begin to fall away, as you trust in who you have always been.

And for the first time, you know who you are.

And you realise, you have never been far.

Like being a passenger in the rear-view mirror, 

Of your own life, in your own car.

And you start to feel whole.

And you make happiness your goal.

And people smile at you.

And lift your soul.

And they smile at themselves too.

And people talk to you more.

And reinforce your core.

Because they connect with you.

And you find peace.

More than you ever felt before.

(c) Jay Rose Ana

THE FEAR OF TRANSITION

Before I transitioned,
There were a couple of things,
That I admit I envisioned.

Thoughts that ran through my head,
And through my heart,
Often whilst I was driving or in bed,
And my soul,
Kept me up at night,
Not feeling whole,
Forcing heart and mind apart.

I will try and number them in a list,
It is not a big list,
So please persist,
And if you do feel,
The temptation to resist,
Then that is okay,
I am not going to insist.

Number one, will my family stop loving me? That is a big one to start with! Do you agree?
Number two, will the world hate me or accept me? Will it let me be?
Number three, will people I call friend, walk away from me? It is a possibility.
Number four, will anyone hold a friendly hand out to me? Or will I walk alone, just me, eternally?
Number five, why I am doing this? What is in it for you? And whats in it for me? I have new hopes for number three.
Number six, am I ill? have I lost my mind? Is there something the matter with me? Do I have the right to be free? Me?

I said it was a short list,
Those are the big hitters,
The ones that question my right to exist.
And those like, will I ever be kissed?
You know the ones,
The ones you whisper quietly when you think you are alone,
Or getting ready in a mirror,
When your entire cover is blown.
When you talk to your soul and it talks to you.

Number one was easy, they still love me, that one was silly really. But that’s just me, maybe I was lucky, for some people, this list stops here. And they live in a world of fear. Don’t hide away, there is always a friend near.
Number two, is a maybe, it is a weird and sometimes frightening world out there, but it also sometimes fabulous and miraculous and I sometimes wonder, what will today be?
Number three, most definitely. Enough said. Let’s do four instead.
Number four, I have had more hugs (pre-lockdown) than at any other time in my life. Every hug I get feeds my soul, makes me feel whole. For that alone, I would enroll.
Number five, because this is who I am, and I am not afraid anymore. I am being true to myself through every single pore. It never gets easier but now I trust my core, and I will endure, of that you can be very sure.
Number six, I think I am about the same as most other people, if this were a game. So I think that means I might be doing okay. At least today. I haven’t thought about throwing my life away, in the past few days, anyway.

So, transitioning went this way,
The sun shone, like it always does.
I felt it shined on me, briefly, but the Sun is busy,
It has a whole galaxy to illuminate,
And a billion stars in the sky to set free.

There was no massive spotlight, not on me,
Just trying to do my best,
Getting through each day,
No presentations, or congratulatory speeches,
No secret,
Just acceptance,
Of what life teaches.

(c) Jay Rose Ana

DEAR LOVE

Dear love, I have gone,

I am not exactly sure why.

But you need to carry on,

Please look forward, not back,

Be happy, do not cry.

I felt it coming, and I know you did too,

Though I cannot say the moment,

When I knew it was true.

Our paths have uncrossed, our futures untwined.

You need to go your way, and I need to go mine.

Please do not hate me,

I could stay, but we both know.

That the best of me,

When all is said and done,

Is not what is best for you.

I feel so selfish, unanchored,

Naked, thinking of just me.

But please understand,

It is the truth of my life,

I am not who, or where, I am meant to be.

So, dear love, I have gone.

I am heading towards new light.

Please do not hate me.

We tried, but in the end, we both know,

We are no longer right.

(c) Jay Rose Ana

CHILDREN LOVE RAINBOWS

I would like to say, life is black and white.

But dysphoria is not even shades of grey.

I would like to express, what is on my mind,

But to be honest, I am afraid to say.

I would like to think life is red, green, and blue,

But that would be unfair on every other hue.

I would like to show how it feels to be me,

But the person inside, you will never see.

A tincture of blood pushes me out of my zone.

Another fist comes, it is an overtone.

I pick myself up, washed in the pigment of me.

A saturation of hate, like no one ever should see.

I brush myself off, confused, life goes on.

Is this love, or is this fear? How long will it go on?

My body adds a purple, my soul adds a blue.

I am a human rainbow. I was made by you.

(c) Jay Rose Ana

PLEASE COLLECT YOUR LABEL

So, you are trans? You must be gay?

Or a lesbian? what is it today?

I need to describe you in just one word,

My brain is confounded by the ideas it has heard.

You do not fit into my list?

Of things that are just two.

Girl or boy? Man or woman?

Make up your mind,

Which one are you?

I do not understand,

The things that I fear,

Oh, that must be it,

Are you the queer?

Wait, I think I get it,

I think I just might see,

The problem is not you!

The problem is me!

We are unique individuals,

We come together as we.

And what we represent,

Is our right to live free.

This a promise,

From me to you.

If you listen to me,

I will listen to you.

Do not be afraid,

Because together we might find.

That truth be told,

We are all one of a kind.

(c) Jay Rose Ana

SOMETHING I NEED TO SAY

Sit down, just here, my love.

I have something I need to say.

I have been trying to find the words,

And I have been putting off today.

I need you to take a leap of faith,

And help me understand.

I am out of my comfort zone,

And it would help if I could hold your hand.

I have wanted to say,

So many, many times.

I trust you. I love you.

I am yours and you are mine.

But recently somethings been off,

Something does not chime.

But I believe in you, it is time for the truth,

So please do not resign.

We have seen, together, so many years.

Shared laughs, shared life,

Shared dreams, shared tears.

Through sunset and moon rise,

We tightened our bond.

You may not be ready to speak right now,

But when you are, I will respond.

You have something to tell me,

That at least, I think I know.

It may take some time to sink right in,

So, my feelings may not show.

My love, be brave,

I will stay calm.

Many times, you forgave me,

And held out your palm.

And when this web of truth is spun,

And you say those words out loud.

Words, once said, cannot be undone.

But of you, I am so very proud.

So, sit down, my love, sit down, right here.

I need you close, I need you nearby,

And if it all gets too much for you,

I will hold you, do not ask, if you cry.

And from today, take strength in me,

As I have many times in you.

It may not be easy, take your time,

I am ready to listen to you.

(c) Jay Rose Ana

FREE FALL

Gasping for breath,

I can hardly breathe.

Plummeting down,

Through a chasm of doubt.

In gravity’s hands,

I entrust my fate.

The silence of free fall,

My only escape.

A single voice,

A signal in noise.

“I know how you feel,

You are not alone”, they shout.

Another step back, another look down,

“I know that feeling of doubt.”

“Take a chance with me.”

“A brief delay.”

“Don’t go, stay!”.

Pushing free,

From this self-made prison,

Cold and tired, end this derision.

Lost in a fog,

On the precipice edge.

A footstep away, memories dredge.

A cry, a shout, a doubt.

“Stop, wait, there is another way”.

“I stood where you are once,”

“There are no answers,”

“It is a veiled lie.”

“The only thing that matters is your own will to try.”

“I will walk with you, I know how you feel,”

“Let me tell you this, those feelings are not real.”

“Life is full of promise, of love and of hope.”

“There will always be days, when you feel you cannot cope”.

Stay I did, and pushed on through,

We are closer now, a blended hue.

Drawing closer, filling every day.

Every moment,

In every way,

Until that night,

They threw themselves away.

(c) Jay Rose Ana

POOL OF TEARS

Sometimes, I wonder,

Where love really is?

Headlong down a rabbit hole,

No wonderland here.

A familiar tune,

The words unclear,

Like a half-remembered song,

Half-joy, half-tears, all-fear.

Drinking the potion,

From a metre to a mile.

Does not really matter,

When an empty vial.

Going through the motions,

Search for it still.

Like the Cheshire Cat,

Just out of reach,

Always remaining, over the hill.

"You must first find yourself",

says the Hatter,

"Then let time unfold".

“For a story without love,

Remains a story untold!”

Laughing in the distance,

The queen stole the heart.

Toying with persistence,

Keeping hope and love apart.

Reciting to the mock turtle,

Withdraws into its shell.

Melancholy poetry,

As its bids, so long, farewell.

So, it is back to the surface.

To the dirt and the stone.

And a time-watching rabbit,

Standing astride of the hole.

"It is getting very late",

It says, with a disapproving glare.

But time goes by slowly,

When one cries in despair.

Searching, never ending,

Looking under everywhere,

Down every rabbit hole,

Where it leads, who knows where?

So, Sometimes, I wonder,

Where does love, really live?

But love is not something to seek,

Love is something to give.

(c) Jay Rose Ana

KINDNESS

Kith and kin forgives our sin.

I, becomes we, for the world to see.

Night and day are equally bright.

Deeds not words, measure our light.

No magic here, what you see it what you get.

Every new day is a gift, we must never forget.

Sowing a seed of kindness, is how we grow a friend!

Staying true, staying open, staying you, your best you, is all that matters, in the end.

(c) Jay Rose Ana

MY JOURNEY

My character,

Has took some knocks,

In recent times.

But being so close,

I just did not,

See it happening.

I did not,

Feel its presence,

And do you know what?

I felt like a victim.

Entitled.

I fell into a trap.

I am not a victim.

I have too much love around me,

To ever have the right,

To use that word.

Life threw some challenges at me,

And I was not prepared.

I made life harder,

Than it should be,

And I took it to heart when it hit.

But now,

My eyes are wide open.

My senses are my strength.

The saying goes,

It is not how you fall,

But it is how you get up again,

That is the measure of you.

And I am standing,

Let me assure you,

I am standing proud,

And I am standing tall!

I have a hill in front,

That is for sure.

But, to me, right now,

That hill, it looks small.

In first aid,

They say,

Put your safety first.

So, I am getting off this ride.

I choose to prioritise me.

Who I really want to be!

That is what I decide,

And not waste time,

On things,

That distract,

From my purpose of me.

Beyond that hill,

There are more hills,

And my success,

My real value,

My personal goal.

Is to leave this world loved,

And if I can,

Even just a little bit,

To make it better,

Than I found it.

I do not fully know,

Who I am yet?

But I am most definitely,

Beginning to learn,

Who I am not!

But do not mark my life,

By the end of a goal.

My life is paved,

By my journey,

Of the steps I take,

Each, and every day.

Redefining myself,

I have a blessed opportunity,

To let go,

Of all those things,

That have gotten in my way,

That have held me back.

One by one,

Those things I dislike,

I choose to let them go.

I am getting my life,

Back on track.

I will not always,

Do my best,

But I will learn,

And I will get better.

I may make mistakes,

But I will make amends.

I make this promise to you,

And promise to me.

I am the author,

Of my own life.

And my story,

Will have a happy end.

(c) Jay Rose Ana

WELCOME TO TRANSPHOBIA

Sticks and stones,

The saying goes,

May break my bones,

But in their headlights,

Fear froze.

Then, I am sitting,

In a ditch,

Thinking today,

Is a real bitch.

Driven off the road,

Watching them,

As they point and goad.

Hateful laughter,

Hurtful names,

Directed to me.

How do I respond?

When they will not,

Let me be?

And not even my phone,

Can help this feeling.

I am alone!

Then,

Two cars pass on by.

Hope lost,

They do not see me cry.

As I watch,

Frightened,

I wait.

Whilst these bullies,

Decide my fate.

And then,

They are gone,

Speeding away,

As fast as they begun.

And my throat feels sick.

And of names,

They hurt me.

(c) Jay Rose Ana

NEW MORNINGS DAWN

Somewhere in between,

The night and the day.

Is a moment where I am me,

The best me, I might say.

Half-dream, half-awake,

Full of hope, make no mistake.

This sombre dawn pause,

Reveals me, my truth, awake.

The cool of the air,

Through the windows breeze.

The warmth of the bed,

A few more minutes tease.

The tick of the clock,

Marks the passing of time,

I would say,

In that moment,

I feel, just fine.

And then,

In a beat,

It is the start of the day.

Up and away,

To live my life,

My way.

I take solace in the fact,

That if growth turns decay.

A new mornings dawn,

Is just a few hours away.

So, the best place I can think of,

Is the safety of my bed.

Fools rush in,

Where angels fear to tread.

My safe space,

My respite,

The bank of my tears.

I have invested,

Very heavily,

Over the last few years.

(c) Jay Rose Ana

THE DEVIL TO PAY

For God sake someone tell me,

How I spirit away,

These thoughts that haunt me,

Tomorrow is another today.

In the street,

You would not pay me,

Any particular time of day,

So, time passes slowly,

These thoughts,

Pushed out the way.

But, if you were to tell me,

Perhaps, sometime today.

That the only day I could have,

Would indeed, be yesterday.

Then, to be honest,

I may be inclined to say,

A fond farewell,

Adieu my friend,

As I gladly slip away.

But, let this be held true,

Through this essay.

I have learned to live for today,

Come whatever may.

And the demons,

That come,

I will try to keep them at bay.

Through the passing of time,

Hour by hour, day by challenging day.

I took a deep breath,

And blew the cobwebs away.

And through the falling dust,

I glimpsed the light of day.

Feeling stronger now,

Save nothing for a rainy day.

And I give you my love,

Or at least,

Meet you, halfway.

So many years,

Time just frittered away.

Time after time,

Each a red-letter day.

Whilst the cat was away,

The mouse did not play,

The chips simply fell,

Wherever they may.

It can take a whole lifetime,

To find out the hard way.

That life is for living,

So, get yours underway!

Forge day after day,

Rome was not built in a day,

But lay a stone,

Right here, right now.

It is how you pave the way!

The only thing standing,

In one’s own way.

Is one's own shadow,

Shackled in feet of clay!

In the cold light of day,

Do not fritter life away,

Do not wait,

Until tomorrow,

Or you,

Will have,

The Devil to pay!

(c) Jay Rose Ana

THE LOST SEA

Today I read some tweets,

Discussing my right to exist.

More specifically transitioning,

From one gender to another.

I have always believed,

I am not transitioning at all.

I am simply becoming me,

Who I truly am,

Who I was always meant to be.

I see television programmes,

Discussing if people like me should be allowed.

Fuelled by people I have never met,

An angry mob, an uninformed crowd.

People with no idea of who I am,

Nor a care of what they say.

And yet I see how they behave,

How they are afraid,

Want to lock me away.

They seem to think,

They have a right,

To look down upon me.

To make judgements,

About me,

With blinkered eyes they do not see.

What they refuse,

Is what makes the world,

Beautiful to me.

I am not like them,

They choose hate.

They will probably win,

A false hypocrisy.

If they succeed,

Standard issue will be the norm.

Beautiful things,

Lost to memory.

A world bathed in grey,

No more colour,

No beauty,

Just insanity.

Then they will turn on each other,

And blame anything,

Out of consistency.

Until they are left,

To wander alone,

In a world,

With a dry sea.

Hope remains,

A bud will emerge,

From the dust,

Of the old tree.

A hint of colour,

Pushing hard,

Rise through,

The remains of the dead city.

In its bloom,

New beauty stands tall.

It never died,

It is for eternity.

For those who hate,

There is time,

To change your mind,

End this absurdity.

(c) Jay Rose Ana

IMPASTO

When I am done and when I am gone,

This portrait will remain.

The craft of your hand,

The focus of your eye,

The steadiness of your breath,

The openness of your mind.

Your expression of me will be an expression of us.

Let us share our souls, a whisper in the air,

Select your canvas with extra care.

As you paint gently, let there be no rush,

Layer after layer, let the colours blend,

Our unique palette, upon your brush.

Let these colours remain.

For the tones you select, will be the strength of us.

And when you frame this painting, please take extra care.

For the outside of me, over time, may need a little repair.

And when you show this painting,

I would like the world to know,

That I took a deep breath, and stepped out of the grey,

Into a world of colour, and lived my life, my way.

This portrait will remain.

(c) Jay Rose Ana

RAINBOWS OF LIFE

Red marks birth and the celebrations we sing.

Amber the food of life, feeding every wonderful thing.

Indigo marks spiritual awakenings, lives of change, lives that matter.

Neon is brightness, pulsing with life, fuelled by love, beautiful chatter.

Blue is serenity, peace of mind, becoming awake.

Onyx binds our inner self, bringing strength to challenges we take.

White is the lily, of lives that we remember.

Shades of colour, glowing bright, in each, and every ember.

(c) Jay Rose Ana

BOUQUET OF LIFE

The birth of my first child, then second, then three.

Are the happiest memories, that flow out of me.

Ever brightening hues, never duller, always fuller.

Moments shared in explosions of colour.

Our families together, memories laid.

Bouquets of colour, happy parades.

The red of the rose, the Iris blue,

The water lily proud, always floating true.

Meeting my love, with a bright coloured bouquet,

Is a memory that remains, and forever it will stay.

Moments of purple blended to lavender tones,

Friends forever, I feel it in my bones.

Finding myself, stepping out of the grey.

The simple daisy, bellis perennis, marks the way.

The pink of the Prunus, on enduring the maze.

I feel fabulous today, drunk with life, in a colourful haze.

(c) Jay Rose Ana

DEAR ALLIES

How do I explain to my children, the importance of you?

And why that you need to, and how much I rely on you?

How can I tell them that allies have my back?

How do I prepare them, for the compassion, others lack?

They see the world in rainbows, in colours that are true.

They hold no malice, no hate, they believe in a world where we all love you.

When we step into the street, or when we head out to the park.

It is the light you bring that stops our world turning dark.

My children see the world, how the world should really be.

When I told them I am now mum, not dad, they just accepted me.

But the world at large is not ready, to give that big embrace,

So, thank you allies, for the work you do, you bring hope to humanity.

(c) Jay Rose Ana

I AM A WOMAN

I am a woman; I am not confused.

I am fed up of feeling used.

You drag me out when you need a voice.

I no longer have a choice.

I am a woman; can you not see?

Not a man, how hard can it be?

I do all these things to help you understand.

But you still will not, hold my hand.

I am a woman; it is not a charade.

So why do you put me on parade?

I am happy, just how I am.

Why do you insist I am still a man?

I am a woman, can you not see,

All you see is LGBT.

I am not a letter; I am a word.

A fellow human, one of the herd.

I am a woman, I do not give a damn,

Say it again, give all that you can.

I am a woman, I know who I am,

Love yourself, be kind, if you can.

(c) Jay Rose Ana

BEING DIFFERENT

Can you see me?

Standing in the crowd.

Can you hear me?

Quietly shouting loud.

Can you spot me?

Standing, proud, and tall.

Can you help me?

If I should fall.

Will you hold me?

When I am sand.

Will you remember me?

Did I help you understand?

(c) Jay Rose Ana

MEMORIES MAKE US

Memories make us who we are today.

Experience shapes us and never goes away.

For many years I pushed them down.

But look at all the good it has done,

When I cannot be open, how I feel today!

For a while there, it was touch and go.

I really could not decide,

If I had the strength, to face my past.

Or if I should keep it, locked inside.

Seconds tick by, then hours then days.

My friend is long gone, took the easy way.

Over time, like oil, I spilled self-worth.

Wasted seconds, a wasted birth.

As the March of time, went happily by.

All I could do. was hide and cry.

Hating myself, for all I had become.

Hoping for a sign, from anyone.

It will be okay; it may take some time.

Your wounds will heal, you will be fine.

But standing on the motorway.

I was ready, to go, the other way.

A quick blast of a horn.

A screech or two of brakes.

In an instant I would be gone.

Who would miss me, for god-sakes?

And then, one night, just driving home.

The penny dropped, like a lucky stone.

All at once, my demons rose.

And I felt much lighter, in my toes.

Now, I am me, and time has shown.

That with hope, and love, I was never alone.

For they were with me, along the way.

And gave me strength, in becoming Jay.

(c) Jay Rose Ana

TIME IS A HEALER

Time’s a great healer. Really, what a croc.

Time’s good for nothing, ‘cept in cuckoo clocks.

Reaching deep inside, stirring up below,

Demons bubble up, teasing things they know.

Contaminated, feeling hurts sometimes.

Feeling is healing, digging deep in grime.

Hour by hour, needing a shower,

Minute by minute, reeking deep in it.

Buried in layers, the stench makes me sick,

The secrets so deep, their lies, are so thick.

Exhausted, push on. Extorted, put on.

Tick tock, cuckoo clock. Tick tock, tick tock, tock.

Nowhere in the world, would I rather be,

Than up to my knees, stained by all I see,

Push it back inside, keep it locked away,

Does this help healing? Back away, I say.

Buried with reason, digging is treason,

What good has it done? Maybe next season.

Flee little birdie, Coo your little coo,

Come back this way soon, secrets inside you.

(c) Jay Rose Ana

HOT POTATO

I am a potato. A hot potato.

I hide away from the hate tomato.

I am chunky. I have knobbly eyes.

You may think I am awkward,

But by golly I make good fries.

I have my little garden,

Buried deep within the ground.

Today it is baking hot outside.

So, I am trying not to be found.

Cook me in your oven,

Roast me crisp, until I am done.

Add a splash of salt and pepper,

Go on, have your fun!

Toss my carcass on the compost,

My outer skin will gently wilt,

I lived my life as I set out,

But you must live, with all your guilt.

(c) Jay Rose Ana

A GRAIN OF HOPE

What would the world be like without me in it?

Would the Moon come to rest or would the world stop spinning?

Would Mars free fall and would Jupiter collapse?

Would the Sun, shine its final light, and surrender a gasp?

Would satellites break free and drift deep into space?

Carrying the memory of a blue dot, released from embrace?

Would black holes collapse, spilling out all that matters?

Would comets collide as their icy trail shatters?

Would the stars all go out in a beautiful pattern?

Would Neptune smile as it kisses Saturn?

Would matter contract as gravity grins?

Would the universe shrink until it fits on a pin?

Would the edge of the cosmos slow time until it stalls?

Would the Milky Way relax as one-by-one, Solar Systems fall?

Would anyone hear a cry from the vastness of space?

In the dark, would there be light, as Pluto covers its face?

I expect what would happen, would be nothing at all.

The sands of tomorrow, drift far, when they fall.

When you step onto the beach, spare a thought for before.

Hopes from yesterday, often wash up, along the shore.

(c) Jay Rose Ana

The Gift of Anxiety

I could expend my energy on so many, many things.

Worrying about life and what tomorrow brings.

I could waste many hours regretting the wrongs.

Pouring over words, interrupting sad songs.

Digging up what is done, put to bed, laid to rest.

Best forgotten, out of sight, out of mind, way too stressed.

Anxiety falls, a sense of unease, breathless, a hammer blow.

Run and hide, find a door, let me out, I need to go.

Energy low, sugar rush, tide me over, feeling flush.

Take a breath, need a rest, sit down here, try not to push.

A shrinking room, sliding walls, nervous twitch, restricted air.

I cannot breathe, stay calm, slow down, take care.

I force a moment to sit, to calm myself down.

This gift of anxiety makes me look like a clown.

My nose is not red, and my tie does not spin.

And yet these feelings of dread I just cannot hold in.

Thinking of tomorrow but worrying about today.

This sense of fear simply will not go away.

I take a deep breath, hold back my dismay.

But with energy low, I cannot hold it at bay.

I could expend my energy on so many, many things.

But we never really know what tomorrow may bring.

I could expend my energy to gain a brief reprieve.

But I choose to use my energy to listen, understand, and believe.

(c) Jay Rose Ana

SHAME!

Shame! Shame on you. Shame on me.

Shame that even with open eyes I could not see.

Unworthy of affection, your sense of rejection.

An unfortunate end that did not have to be.

Dishonour, disgrace, continued condemnation.

Deflation is fuelled by foolish sedation.

My mind was open, but my eyes averted.

Where hope once soared, deflation reverted.

The bond of trust broken, set free, set to flee.

A painful emotion, an unfortunate place to be.

Where did I fail, that we ended up here?

The community cries, ignominy!

How do we rebuild? Fix what is done?

Push back up to the sky, the falling sun?

Hang back the moon, let the stars have their fun?

When all I can see, is what I have become.

I thought I knew better; that I stood against the man,

I did not think it through, it was a nowhere plan.

Now the man’s pressing down with all its might.

Admit defeat, a lesson to learn. I have lost this fight.

(c) Jay Rose Ana