The Sex, Porn & Love Addiction Podcast

Send us a text- On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreThere are three ways in which we try to get our Core Emotional Needs met. Meeting Core emotional needs is not negotiable. They want to be met and kept filled up at high levels.The reality, however, is that life takes a toll upon us and Core Emotional Needs deplete over time. What are some of those Core Emotional Needs: Approval, Acceptance, Support, Security, Comfort, Respect - amongst others.When we have ...

Send us a text- On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreNarcissism and Empathy (like same poles of a magnet) cannot co-exist together in the same space. They repel each other. Likewise, they cannot co-exist in the same person at equally high levels.Either they will have a high level of Narcissistic traits and a low level of Empathy or vice versa. Work on Empathy and you will see Narcissistic traits recede over time. Remember, there can be no quick fixes in this...

Send us a text- On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreDon't go looking up the term on Google and it spewing out a whole heap of stuff that blinds you and gets your back up! I am not suggesting Sex/Porn/Love Addicts are a Narcissists - Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) - is one of the most difficult mental Health diagnosis to treat. It requires a particularly skilled diagnosis.What I am saying is that they will have, and be manifesting 'traits' which com...

Send us a text- On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreSHAME + NARCISSISM = SEX ADDICTION. Too simplistic? Maybe, but it is a good place to start, if you want to better understand the reason for the activities - as an outlet for Shame & Narcissism.Try hard to come out from under the umbrella of covering that Shame provides - but is unseen. It covers the Addict and a partner. It keeps them hidden and in hiding. yet, the antidote to shame is to come out of h...

Send us a text- On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreShame is set up in childhood. Life is unfair. Yep.The presence of shame is a particularly powerful driver for sexual addiction. Shame means “to hide” and is a hidden companion of Narcissism.SHAME + NARCISSISM = SEX ADDICTIONShame is the painful feeling of being unacceptable. It is a feeling of being inferior. It is “a wound made from the inside by an unseen hand”. There is something about “Attachment” issu...

Send us a text- On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreScapegoating can go on for only so long. Then a need to accept responsibility for adult choices.The Kairos Centre do an extensive History Taking to build a profile understanding of the adult, impacted by childhood development issues. The feedback hypothesis can cause your brain (which initially, is not your best friend during the early stages of attempts at recovery) to blame others for what happened to yo...

Send us a text- On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreHe “caused” our problems and yet once again the focus and everyone’s attention is on him. The family income is being used by him again for his benefit, on top of the spend he has already enjoyed on his addiction. It’s just not fair. I am left here with his stuff and don’t know where to go or turn for help for me. That just is not right and is not fair. I feel so.....This is an understandable reframe don’t ...

Send us a text- On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreIf you are in a partnered relationship, re-build integrity with yourself by signing a 'Couples Recovery Plan'. Recovery - in a partnered relationship - is about the partnership, not only about your recovery at all.Your signature on the 'Couples Recovery Plan' can bolster your commitment to be faithful to your word/your signature - to use 'best endeavours' to achieve the outcomes in the Couples Recovery Pla...

Send us a text- On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreThe ability to quickly recognize fearful situations and other emotional signals, may be critical to survival, as it enables us to detect potential threats. The amygdala is believed to play a central role in these processes.The amygdala is a small, almond-shaped structure deep in the brain, located on the medial surface of the temporal lobe, which processes both positive and negative emotions. Brain scannin...

Send us a text- On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreThey are called the 4 Elements tools - which I teach my EMDR ("trauma") clients. These self-soothing - much more healthy and positive impacting (but still are hamster wheel/repetitive/habit/neural pathway activities) - become the new "go-to" practices.In other words, instead of defaulting to the previous negative hamster wheel behaviours, you learn to default to these positive ones - that are used repetiti...

Send us a text- On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreIf you understand The Stages of Change, may be you will not be so hard on yourself and be liberated! May be you are not defective, weak, a worse case, a hopeless case or an unfixable case.Stop beating yourself up, since you are facing the same Relapses as those trying to quit smoking, stop binge eating & other eating disorders, gambling, drugs, gaming and many other compulsive behaviours. You are not b...

Send us a text- On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreI need only a few words to summary this episode. The slippery slope of mis-using Technology, will always cost you more than you had bargained, in many aspects of life.The world of AI, VR, Silicone full size sex dolls (childlike or sex slave like), will take you down at some point. It may not be for 20 years before doing a look back to count the cost of the severe adverse consequences of chasing the ultimat...

Send us a text- On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre"Sticks & stones can break my bones, but names can never hurt me". That's not true! words do hurt. That means positive words can heal wounds.Hence, the basis for reciting "Pillars" - which are words that are spoken over yourself three times a day, every day. They can re-set you throughout the day, as a distraction technique; distraction from the objectified images which are being replayed in the minds-...

Send us a text- On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreFor example, the highest download of porn is between the hours of 9am and 5pm. What are those hours? Where are most people, during those hours? What do most contracts say about being caught having downloaded such material at work? What consequences flow from exposure? Then why take that level of risk?Don't use logic when considering these questions. The part of the brain that does logic, is the Frontal Lob...

Send us a text- On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre"Objectification" is not that you noticed the person. It is, that you linker longer or go back for a second or third look. "I am just appreciating God's creating", doesn't cut it!What a nightmare then, for Porn Addicts, are these Paris Olympics (and the holiday abroad in the sun (not in England!) - by the poolside and the beach.On the theme of the Olympics, here is a snippet of my recent article. Email me ...

Send us a text- On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centrePorn-Blockers won't stop those who are determined to act out. Their use is, however, essential for those serious about achieving sobriety. It buys you time. It might get you through that day and enable you to add one more day to your sobriety count. Here are some Porn-Blockers:Chrome BlockX/Blocker X,Safe Surfer,Covenant Eyes,Qustodio,Famisafe Ourpast,Norton Online Family,Xblock,AdGuard,Tech LockdownPlucke...

Send us a textSnippet of an interview with Caroline Brown of “This Crazy over 40s Life”: Sex with no strings attached - Part 5- On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreWorth listening to “Sexual Intelligence: More Science stuff” episodes – to recognise that there are consequence for Sex, Porn, Love Addiction patterns of behaviours. Watch out for the psychosexual problems in the individual and couple’s sexual relationship.Sex, Porn, Love Addiction gets passed on...

Send us a text(Snippets from an Interview by Caroline Brown of "This Crazy over 40's Life Podcast") - Part 4- On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreSomething shifted during Covid-19 lockdown. Many women enticed to use phones, computers and tablets during lockdown, crossed their own "values" boundaries, as it seemed reasonable to do so (in the unusual circumstances of lockdown). The problem: Once crossed and their brain experienced the novelty, naughtiness, da...

Send us a text(Snippets from an Interview by Caroline Brown of "This Crazy over 40's Life Podcast") - Part 3- On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreSameness and/or difference attracts and are bonded together; but something shifted somewhere along the journey. Falling out of love visited the couple,Something about Core Emotional Needs being met, then stopped being met. Also, how it is we trash out Values and become unshackled. Core Emotional Needs and (separat...

Send us a text(Interviewed by Caroline Brown of This Crazy over 40's Life Podcast) - Part 2- On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreNavigating life is challenging. Navigating partnered/couple relationship is even more challenging. Add Sex, Porn, Love Addiction to the mix - when you are still trying to understand self.What are the things hindering you from being the best that you can be. Sex, Porn, Love Addiction is the self-soother escape and avoidance and so ...

Send us a text(Interviewed by Caroline Brown of This Crazy over 40's Life Podcast) - Part 1- On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreYou can break free of the (perhaps) generational baton of inherited compulsive behaviours and decide - "it stops with me" Here is one such past Kairos Centre client's description of her journey:"A client’s Goodbye letter to porn, sex & love Addiction A goodbye to sex and love addiction letter, written by a woman after 9 m...

Send us a text- On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreInterview by Damian Andrews of SHAIR.care: What it means to be a man (10)What do you want from Therapy? Where does your view come from? Is it your view or a “hand me down”? Therapy won’t work until you are ready. But if you take too long (as the masses do), then the hand grenade may go off in your face and then you are left picking up shrapnel. Picking up shrapnel is to be re-active. The preference is...

Send us a text- On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreInterview by Damian Andrews of SHAIR.care: What it means to be a man (9)Take your eyes off others and do your own battles and fights….then, after sorting self, maybe you will have more energy to pick up other things and fulfil your best potential in that area, as you become the best that you can be and leave your positive deposit on this earth. The Kairos Centre is all about helping you to see what yo...

Send us a text- On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreInterview by Damian Andrews of SHAIR.care: What it means to be a man (8)"What! I no longer need to do traditional 'Talk Therapy', to address my past impactful stuff of life? Tell me more!"Call it a little “t” trauma – that I cannot even see in my lovely family upbringing or big "T". Trauma isn’t only what happens in the Middle East or Afghanistan. It can be the 6 years old whose action man was taken by the...

Send us a textInterview by Damian Andrews of SHAIR.care: What it means to be a man (7)“Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who is the fairest or them all”? How do you answer that question for you? Learn to love self, before you can love others.I use that thing called EMDR to work on the distorted image of self. (I am an Accredited EMDR Practitioner in the UK). What is this thing called EMDR? It is Eye Movement Desensitisation Reprocessing. What a mouth full!I can talk about it til the cows come ...

Send us a textOn-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreInterview by Damian Andrews of SHAIR.care: What it means to be a man (6)Have I said this already - "Childhood has a lot to answer"?Maybe just a few times hey! But are you getting it? Don't start at step 5 or 6 with a Recovery Programme or 12 Steps Support. They are absolutely needed, but not yet. Go back to first base. Step 1. Childhood developmental years.Can't find anything there? You had a lovely upbringi...

Send us a textInterview by Damian Andrews of SHAIR.care: What it means to be a man (5)What’s a “Russian Doll” (or is it called a Babushka) got to do with Sex, Porn, Love Addiction?I thought you would never ask!“I haven’t bought into that nonsense “Big boys don’t cry”, when I was growing up”. At least, I don’t think so”!That guy called John Bowlby in the 1940’s dared to put together some suppositions that I didn’t like. How dare he put me in a box and think that he knows me. Yet, “Oh my g...

Send us a textInterview by Damian Andrews of SHAIR.care: What it means to be a man (4)Men are “Wild at heart”. The book (by that title) by John Eldredge – maybe is on to something. (Worth a read guys - and gals).Where there are some things that were not done “good enough” during childhood development, the brain then sets about trying to fill the deficits. Sometimes with coping strategies, such that Sex, Porn and/or Love Compulsive activities enter the mix, after the game console or spor...

Send us a textInterview by Damian Andrews of SHAIR.care: What it means to be a man (3)Big up the womenSo much more practical in finding solutions. Teach us please ladies. We need you. Us men have become emasculated by a society. What does masculinity mean? Aren’t there two roles – Masculinity & Femininity? Aren’t they different? Don’t they complement each other, to create a balanced society? Too simplistic Gary?We need someone in our life to role-model the sexual type that belongs to...

Send us a textInterview by Damian Andrews of SHAIR.care: What it means to be a man (2)Impediments to having great relationships Disruption in the bonding in early childhood development with the significant caregivers (usually parents), is a key factor. The male (a father) plays a very important role. Masculinity cannot be supplemented by a mother. It is not "do as I say", it is "do as you see me doing". The eyes take in the largest amount of information during the communication process.W...

Send us a textInterview by Damian Andrews of SHAIR.care: What it means to be a man (1)What is Man-ness?There is still a caveman instinct inside of us as men. Has the image got distorted as men try to metamorphize ourselves to fit what society tells us a man should be. Trying to fit what we are really not, is hard work. At some point there may be an increased desire to self-soothe and escape into cyberworld for a while – using sex, porn and/or other compulsive behaviours. Consider this poem:Ch...

Send us a textInterview with Roman Mironov of NOFAP (4)Root causes of negative impact on the brain, to cause it to gravitate to self-soothing behaviours?What do you think were the issues which caused your brain to gravitate to self-soothing from those negative impactful behaviours, during those early developing younger years of life (often before puberty)? Bullying, abuse, sexual abuse, parents arguing, witnessing domestic violence, over zealous punishment, comparison with a sibling, never go...

Send us a textInterview with Roman Mironov of NOFAP (3)Is porn bad or inherently bad for the brain?I don’t want to be seen as moralising about anyone’s personal values, ethics, standards or morals. What we do know is that experiments demonstrate that porn viewing can do permanent damage to the brain. (We are dealing with lots of porn use over lots of hours; no short periodical or ad hoc use).Once damaged in that way, it is permanent and the deficit cannot be repaired. (“A bit scaremongery Gar...

Send us a textInterview with Roman Mironov of NOFAP (2)This Insecure Attachment thing, has a lot to answer…..Stuff set up in childhood development, has its tentacles in how we are doing our adult lives and relationships. Picture the image of a “Russian Doll”; the layers of the Russian Doll has the smallest version deep inside. That represents the Inner child. Stand up the real you. Which one will stand up? Which one is the real you?The Inner child is deep in the layers seeking protection from...

Send us a textInterview with Roman Mironov of NOFAP (1)Don't think about having truly achieved sobriety until one year from the last acting out.“A bit arbitrary Gary. Rather too long, don’t you think?” My reply is that the compulsive and addiction behaviours usually have a few decades start on you. In other words, many clients have been doing the behaviours for decades – often since childhood development. A habit; a hamster wheel behaviour pattern; otherwise more therapeutically called a neur...

Send us a textInterview with Marci Warhaft of "How to ruin your own reputation" Podcast (5)Getting help is not a sign of weakness.Repeated Negative patterns of behaviours, give a glimpse of a problem. I take me into the relationship and is me being me, doing life how I do life – “What’s the problem?”; the problem must be you.There is no problem if there is no problem; but when you know there is a problem – because life just is not working well for you - then you need to lift your head up and ...

Send us a textInterview with Marci Warhaft of "How to ruin your own reputation" Podcast (4)You are not weaker and less robust than others. It is a lie.The behaviours are all about managing emotions, in response to issues in the past - still operating the same way in the present. Once repeat behaviours set in, you are on the hamster wheel and it is difficult to get off. What’s all this got to do with a 6 years old whose Action man or Barbie doll was stolen by the boy down the road or even...

Send us a textInterview with Marci Warhaft of "How to ruin your own reputation" Podcast (3)Seriously!!The highest download of porn during the day is between the hours of 9am and 5pm. (Let me spell it out -- OFFICE HOURS!)“That’s crazy!” Not so crazy for some. The brain has decided that the “Feeling-state” that it gets from the behaviour ie the lushness, is worth the massively high risk and trade-off. As human-beings, we tend to push the boundaries too far and a hand grenade explodes, leaving ...

Send us a textMore about this thing called “Love Addiction”. What is it? What it is not.“Push you Pull me” is at work. “I want you, I love you…..but you're getting too close; you might finish with me, so I am getting jittery and so I am going to push you away, so I force us to end, so you don’t finish with me when I was not expecting it; that must never happen and catch me off guard”.Here is my definition of Sex Addiction which I use: "A pattern of sexual behaviours which pre-occupy your thou...

Send us a textDefining the difference between Sex addiction & Love addiction:Love addiction is all about trying to getting attention and a sense of feeling wanted, even if the attention is being paid for – since any attention is better than no attention. It has its roots in childhood development causing Insecure Attachment; a sense of rejection and loss – due to a disruption in the early years bonding with key parental figures.So, there is a searching out, using such activities as dating ...

Send us a textSexual Intelligence: More science stuff (6)Enough now - of this science stuff! Ok then, this is the last one - for now.Delayed childbearing and fewer pregnancies raise the risk of developing breast cancer in women. We are seeing 100% increase in the rates of breast cancer right now. Much more than in the past. Why?A female who has her first child by age 20, has half the chance of developing breast cancer, as opposed to a woman who has her first child at around age 30. At the end...

Send us a textSexual Intelligence: More science stuff (5)Let's focus on women - in this Episode: What females need to know about themselves: Early sexual arousal rate will influence later addiction to porn. Females are more vulnerable to succumbing to sex addiction where they experienced frequent sexual arousal at an early age.Alcohol consumption raises both sexes testosterone levels up to a point; but testosterone levels increase much more in females, with alcohol consumption. Females c...

Send us a textSexual Intelligence: More science stuff (4)Got to admit, this science stuff is interesting - if it is true!There are three areas in the male brain that is over twice the size of the female brain:1) The area that contributes to men having a roving eye and scanning the terrain for females; 2) A part of the hypothalamus (which is the seat of human sexuality); 3) The amygdala (which is the brain’s command and control area). All three react to testosterone - which is much higher in m...

Send us a textSexual Intelligence: More science stuff (3)A lot of compact info in this episode. I think my post bag is going to be very full this week with comments about.......!Remember, don't shoot the messenger.Men see promiscuity in a female as a deal breaker when seeking a life-long partner. If a man sees a woman as hard to get for sex, he will instinctively feel that she will more likely be faithful in the long term for partnership/marriage. For males, sexual loyalty and sexual integrit...

Send us a textSexual Intelligence: More science stuff (2)In all your getting, get understanding. What you can better understand, you have then moved it from the unconscious into the conscious. From the unseen, into the seen. Now you get a chance to go after it and effect change. It can never be the same again, because you know what you are doing! Get it?Remember, don't shoot the messenger.Sitting comfortably? Braced? Here we go then:Research in 2006 show that the younger the age that a female...

Send us a textSexual Intelligence: Know the science stuffOh - yuk! Must we?Well - not preaching to you, but knowing the science done by some very clever people, will help you. Remember what this thing called Therapy is about - certainly Therapy from The Kairos Centre; all about moving as much from the unconscious, into the conscious - then you get a chance to go after what you can now better see and understand - in order to effect change. Get it!Here it go; and don't shoot the messenger pleas...

Send us a textYou need to keep your guards up. The stuff (which is now in your past), will keep trying to trip you up. You need to apply effort in order to maintain the hard earned and carved out gains; but gains there are; very tangible; very real.You did it. Not a programme. You did it. I could lead the horse to water, but as a facilitator, I could not make it drink. (By the way, I wasn't calling you a horse)! When you drink; when you drank; you made incremental steps toward your best life,...

Send us a textOne such tool - is your Support Structure of people that you can call upon when triggered and the going is tough on a particular day - to get you through that day. Who is in your Inner circle of three close support contacts?Don't go it alone. Don't be an island; "Shame" loves that and rubs its hands with glee - "Got ya".Talk to the three. Tell them your needs. Get agreement to be there for you day and (night!). You will reciprocate in the future. Test the friendship and use it.T...

Send us a textWhen all else fails; when all the tools have not helped; when you're triggered and battling the near eleventh hour; when you are about to act out. You know it; it seems inevitable; deja vu. You have been hear before; oh so many, many times. So annoying; so frustrating.You know the morning after the night before, is coming; you know the self recrimination will follow; the guilt; the regret; the increased shame; the self loathing; the remorse is an understatement.Yet, you are on a...

Send us a textOn-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreKnow you, know self, know your brain. It is not always your bestest bestest bff. It often is working against what is good for you, at the behest of what it perceives as being right for you - in the moment. But not all your senses have been consulted beforehand.It does not always tell you the whole truth and nothing but the whole truth. In fact, it can very brazenly sabotage what is good for you, in its asses...

Send us a textYou have heard me repeatedly rabbit on with this mantra haven't you? What you do not understand, you have no hope of influencing; no hope of changing or even embark upon the change process - (and change is a process from A to Z).Why? Because the stuff you don't understand, lives in the unconscious. It works away below the "Mission Impossible" infra red light and no loud alarm is triggering to bring it to your attention.What you must, must, must, must do, is move the stuff from t...

Send us a textWe will say that Sex/Porn/Love Addiction is set up in one of three ways - Opportunity, Attachment issues and/or Trauma. Trauma is not necessarily limited to big events that happen in a war zone.It is also the impact on a seven years old, whose Game Console is taken by a friend and when they knock on the friends door to get it back, a parent slams the door saying "It isn't yours; I bought it for my child". The child runs home crying, but there is not a parent who fights their cor...

Send us a textWe can't change what we cannot see and do not understand. This is me doing life how I do life. What's the problem? There is no problem (to us), if there is no problem.But the truth is, we know some things are not working right in life, but we don't understand why or what. Change has not and cannot even begin. When we gain greater insight and understanding, then change has become. We have moved the stuff from the unconscious into the consciousness. It can never be the same a...

Send us a textManaging triggers is just one aspect of the recovery process. Not unique to sex/porn/love addiction; it manifests in many other trauma areas, such as childhood sexual abuse that keeps on keeping on being triggered in adulthood.How did the triggers get set up. Childhood development holds the clues. EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitisation Reprocessing) may hold the keys.Really? No way? Does it come with a guarantee - this EMDR stuff? What is it about? Go after the setting up of the add...

Send us a textJust like cave men and cave women or different?The cave man instinct to protect us from the mammoths & sabertooth cats is alive and kicking in our 21st Century way of doing life, as it played out back then. The dangers have changed, but nonetheless, the brain (our cognition) convinces us of a danger that is not real and the body comes to alert repeatedly through the day, ready to protect us, unless we can calm our thinking and take it off guard duty.Our thoughts, our t...

Send us a textOh no - not Neuroscience stuff!....but it isn't that complicated! At least not when you read the material from public friendly neuroscientists like Dr Caroline Leaf."The Pleasure Principle" - What's that about? Another very clever Neuroscientist (Dr Struthers) has brought together the individual role played by each of those (neurotransmitters/neuropeptides/brain chemicals/biochemicals - whatever they are properly called). This is where I get ready to run for my bunker, for fear ...

Send us a textWe do need to pay much attention to those Childhood development stages and how they may have shaped how we go on to do our adult relationships: "Come close; I want you close; I need you close; I need to own you for myself; you're too close; move away; give me space; this is stifling; i need more from you; you're not the one for me; blowing you up". Any of these ringing true or resonate with you? It is called sabotage. Go after the sex/porn/love addiction first and hav...

Send us a textEarly years fostered, Adopted, Immigrate, parents separation & divorce, verbal, physical, sexual and/or spiritual abuse, Boarding school, premature birth, incubated, mothers post-natal depression, alcoholic, drug use, parent working away a lot, emotionally absent even when they are home - are just some contributing causes for setting up INSECURE ATTACHMENT - which may later manifest in how the adult child will go on to do interpersonal relationships.We all need a lighthouse ...

Send us a textYou feel insecure in close relationship with another and so the brain provides strategies to "control" the relationship, but is so unconscious that you deny you are doing any such thing. Attachment is more accurately Detachment; yet a pining to be close to at least one other. Strange contradiction hey!In your quest for sobriety, don't go for long strides and big leaps. Successful recovery and achieving sobriety, is more about small bite size, incremental, but progressive s...

Send us a textOn-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreCore Emotional Needs, such as Approval, Attention, Security, Respect (and more) get depleted over time and as human beings, getting them met, and kept topped up, is not optional. We will consciously, but mostly unconsciously Fight/Flight/Freeze in order to get them met.They desire to be met. You are in danger zone for Acting out, as a way to fulfil those needs - temporarily. Yet, temporarily (at the time), i...

Send us a textJust like similar poles of a magnet repel each other, so it is that Narcissism and Empathy also repel each other. They cannot co-exist in the same place together - in unity.Either you will have more of one and less of the other being played out or less of the other and more of one! Get it?Here's the deal. One MUST become less and the other become greater. Which one is the greater in your life?Let The Kairos Centre help you to make EMPATHY the dominant trait that is played out in...

Send us a textDo the Maths. Remove shame and sex addiction breaks down. Remove Narcissism; more accurately, transform Narcissism (over time) into Empathy and sex addiction breaks down.Learn how to make shame visible; walk of the page; become touchable - using The Kairos Centre "Shields" exercise. Many clients initially, find it difficult to identify with and own Narcissism until we break it down.Come and learn more about these two dominant features of sex/porn/love addiction. Let The Kairos C...

Send us a textHaving completed the extensive History Taking (by asking lots of questions over three sessions) to build a profile of our clients from birth to current age, we then give feedback and diagnosis. That includes an hypothesis as to the Role, Function & Purpose which the behaviours serve.It is important not to hide behind the feedback which finds that something happened to you in childhood development; therefore current behaviour patterns are not your fault. Not true!Not a level ...

Send us a textThe Kairos Centre Recovery Programme is about the couple recovery, not only the person with the addiction behaviours - where you are in a partnered relationship.Sit in the seat or walk in the shoes of the partner affected and see life from their vantage point - if you dear - if you can!Difficult to stay with it since to do so means subduing and turning off inclinations toward narcissism. Take a glimpse through their lens before narcissism kids back in. Empathise with their...

Send us a textChange has begun when you can see the problem; moved it from the unconscious to the conscious. It does not, however, mean that you have changed it immediately you recognise and can see the problem; but change has begun. Get up, dust off and get back in the fight. You can do this.Presented by The Kairos Centre - Bringing colour back to life - without shame. Get the help you need: bit.ly/pornaddictionhelpThe Kairos Centre created one of the world's first comprehensive Online Webin...

Send us a text"My word is my bond". When I was a lawyer, this was an overriding priory and principle. Maybe in the past you have made repeated promises to yourself to stop and/or change the behaviours, but you have not followed through and are disenchanted.Get up, dust off. Get back in the fight. Those that achieve change are those that got up, dusted off and got back in.Take your journey and resolve up a level. Create a written Agreement with yourself as a promise to use best endeavour...

Send us a textShame is a massive component that underpins, causing, enhances and maintains the proliferation of sex, porn, love addiction. In this context, we are discussing toxic or what is otherwise called unhealthy shame. Guilt & embarrassment are off-shoots of shame, but they are different. We can recover from those, but toxic shame says "you are a mistake". That leaves no hope for change. Shame tells you a lie. Don't believe the lie. Don't buy into the lie. Yet you do and you h...

Send us a textShame keeps Trauma in place, because it gets in the way of us seeking out and getting the help that we need. In the UK a mental health diagnosis remains a sign of weakness. We readily seek help from a Doctor where we have a pathology in the body, but much less so for the more debilitating psychological pathology which stops us functioning effectively.Thank you Prince Harry for recently bringing the role of EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitisation Reprocessing) to a higher profile by s...

Send us a textUrge Surfing, Mindfulness, Reciting your Pillars, are some ' in the moment' fight back techniques. Here is another one, taken from our EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitisation Reprocessing) practice that is sure to benefit you......but it is all about the tapping, to benefit from igniting the left & right brain - in the form of Bilateral Stimulation. Otherwise, you are just doing 'positive thinking'!It works! Give it a try.Let the team at The Kairos Centre Team show you how....

Send us a textFight the Sabor-toothed Tiger with a lemon! Sucking a lemon and longer, deeper breathing can help you overcome the fight/flight/freeze Sabor-toothed Tiger brain protective response.Let the team at The Kairos Centre show you how.Presented by The Kairos Centre - Bringing colour back to life - without shame. Get the help you need: bit.ly/pornaddictionhelpThe Kairos Centre created one of the world's first comprehensive Online Webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction video-on-demand Recover...

Send us a textOn-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centreIf you are not at "Action"; if you have been pushed, enticed, guilt tripped, coerced, under duress, pressurised, police involvement or legal process; partner threat to leave and take the children; such things are not necessarily good enough incentives to see you through a Recovery Programme in the longer term. You must be at "Action" Stage, having got there because you see a need and desire has caught up.&nb...

Send us a textHow did Technological Advancement get us here?Cave men drawings on walls ➡ camera/Erotic paintings, literature, Bath houses ➡ (1860-1970) Camera images, Porn mags, Picture/cinema house projectors (public) ➡ 8mm projector in homes ➡ (1973 to 1990) VCR !interactive videos in private home (over take porn mags) ➡ (1990 to 2004) WWW, proliferation of porn sites, dialup, broadband, cyberworld, virtual world, smart phones, lap dance clubs, social networkin...

Send us a textIt all starts in the mind. What starts in the mind, is tossed around over and over and over as you get on with your day, your week, your month (because of your cognition), will eventually percolate into your heart. A mouth full, but did you get it?People speak the things that are in their hearts. Behaviour (action) will spring forth. That is CBT principles.Regular, frequent, habitual negative thinking, will eventually lead to behaviour (that is also negative). The corollar...

Send us a textSex, Porn, Love Addiction will always cost you way more than you ever bargained. Do yourself a favour. Put pen to paper and spend a chunk of time reviewing the impact, toll and cost it has reaped from you; in terms of Financial spend, Health toll, Personal Development, Relationships, Self-image, Legal conseqences, Social impact, Physical danger & more.Weigh them up. But don't stay down and low for too too long. Resolve to reverse the trend.Presented by The Kairos Centre - Br...

Send us a textConsider the exerts form this article written by a woman (Lauren Dubinsky - What I wish I'd Known Before Watching Porn, 2012):"I wish that 10 years ago someone had educated me on pornography. What it is, what it does and what it reaches in and destroys in the hearts, minds and bodies of men and women.I wish that someone would have told me that researchers have suggested it sabotages your sex life.I wish someone would have explained how dopamine.... drives you to return to what p...

Send us a textPorn-blockers: The best that a porn-blocker can be is that of being "a delay". They cannot truly block that which a person is determined to view. Delay can, however, get you through to another day of sobriety.The Kairos Webinar Video-on-demand and its Webcam Recovery Programme is all about "The Couple Recovery". A partner should rightly say " ...and what about me."Presented by The Kairos Centre - Bringing colour back to life - without shame. Get the help you need: bit.ly/pornadd...

Send us a textOne such action to take (amongst other Relapse Prevention Tools) is to write a "Goodbye Letter" after achieving one year sobriety anniversary. Personify Sex, Porn, Love Addiction as a real person with whom you have been in a real affair. Your partner has not had you 100% to themselves and has shared you with this other person.In the letter addressed to Mrs Sex, Porn, Love addiction, tell the behaviour about the good times that you had together; how it was a friend when you...

Send us a textRemember the Stages of the Change process:Pre-contemplation→Contemplation→Preparation→Action→Maintenance→RelapseWe are firmly at the Relapse stage, because you now have reached a minimum of one year of sobriety. It is all about what you need to be doing to ensure the rest of your life is sober. Here are some tools to facilitate that long term permanency of sobriety.Look to your future. See it. Envision it. Dwell on it. Milk it. If you can see it, you can have it!We are full circ...

Send us a textThey are insidious, don't play by the rules and definitely don't play fair. We are talking about Cognitive Distortions. What are they? They are your thinking, telling you untruths to enable you to justify acting out and therefore relapse. You stay on the cycle of sex addiction:Cycle of Sex AddictionThis is all taking place at the Preparation Stage. You are 10 minutes from acting out, unless you can see the Cognitive Distortion that is threatening your sobriety. Act now or it wil...

Send us a textCBTCognitive →BehaviourYour thinking →BehaviourThinking = BehaviourGet it!Whatsoever you are habitually, regularly, repeatedly, churning around, playing with, dwelling upon, reflecting upon, nurturing in your mind - will eventually (at some point) become the very thing that you will go on to act upon (to do).If you can change your MIND, you can change your LIFE. If you can change your thinking, you can literally change your whole life and its trajectory.It is that stark.Th...

Send us a textManaging your sobriety is about Risk Management. Risk Managing your Triggers. Just like many projects may include a discussion about possible risks, they go on to consider what to do if those risks manifest. So too, for you, where your aim is to achieve a lifetime of sobriety.You want to keep those old neural pathways shut down and not reactivate or re-open them by constant merry-go-round relapses and sometimes, binges. It begins with "Identifying" and "knowing" your Triggers. A...

Send us a textUnderstand brain structure and name the various parts and their role in Sex, Porn, Love Addiction. How does the brain respond to "Trauma"? Understand how addiction hijacks the brain and therefore why I do brain surgery on each of my clients. I cut off the top of their skull, remove their brain and put it on the chair beside them! I talk with the client and separately to their brain.The brain is not their best friend. It is not going to working with them to achieve sobriety and i...

Send us a textSecure Attachment defined. Then we take a look at the three Insecure Attachment Styles. Are you Avoidant, Ambivalent/Anxious or Fearful Avoidant. Childhood development holds the clues to their setting up.Know your Attachment Style and affect your behaviour patterns in relationships with others, into your future - with help from The Kairos Centre.Presented by The Kairos Centre - Bringing colour back to life - without shame. Get the help you need: bit.ly/pornaddictionhelpThe Kairo...

Send us a textThe past holds the clues to why we do what we do, which affects our present and shapes our future. Get back control and influence by better understanding you. There are not many shaping influences from childhood as significant as "Attachment Styles".Do you have Secure Attachment in how you do relationships and interact with others or is it Insecure Attachment; if Insecure Attachment, which of the three styles best describes you? In all your getting, get understanding. Move stuff...

Send us a textIdentify the types of triggers at work and therefore the Feeling-State the person wants to escape? What is the preferred Feeling-State being sought? Know yours. Better understand you. Then you are better prepared for the "fight back", with tried and tested tools - that work - provided by The Kairos Centre.Additionally, people bounce back from tragedy, trauma, crisis, and stress by having certain “protective” conditions in their lives. Do you have the full complement of bounce-ba...

Send us a textOur "Values", go to the core and foundations of how we prefer to do life. In most every day situations, we would not contemplate undermining our Values. Yet, how is it that when Sex, Porn & Love Addiction behaviours beckon, so quickly our Values face compromise and are even trashed?Presented by The Kairos Centre - Bringing colour back to life - without shame. Get the help you need: bit.ly/pornaddictionhelpThe Kairos Centre created one of the world's first comprehensive Onlin...

Send us a textIdentify and know your Top 3 Core Emotional Needs and be better able to understand your patterns of behaviours. What are your Core Emotional Needs? What happens if they are depleted? What are the consequences? How will they manifest in your life? What do they have to do with fight, flight and/or freeze response. Better understand you and how they manifest in "Acting out" behaviours.Presented by The Kairos Centre - Bringing colour back to life - without shame. Get the help you ne...

Send us a textShame is a massive issue. Start to know it, understand it, see it and call it out. Begin the journey of underderming it, disempowering it and in so doing, loosening its grip and hold over your life.You can change only what you can see. What you cannot see or understand, you have no hope of affecting or changing and it continues to work away in the unseen (in the unconscious). Come out of "hiding", but only to the "right people" so they don't increase your sense of shame.Presente...

Send us a textThose with Sex, Porn, Love addiction tend to have a reduced ability to delay gratification; yet are disciplined in other areas of life.Secrets held back from a partner: Do you share? Will it break the back of the relationship? Yet trust goes to the foundation of any progressive relationship.Presented by The Kairos Centre - Bringing colour back to life - without shame. Get the help you need: bit.ly/pornaddictionhelpThe Kairos Centre created one of the world's first comprehensive ...

Send us a textEMDR (Eye Movement Desensitisation Reprocessing) tools have a whole heap of resources for helping to manage emotions, bring down stress, anxiety, tension, upset, pressure and bring back homeostasis - without using negative past coping and self-soothing "Acting OUT" activities that your brain got use to gravitating to as its "go-to".Presented by The Kairos Centre - Bringing colour back to life - without shame. Get the help you need: bit.ly/pornaddictionhelpThe Kairos Centre creat...

Send us a textThe 3 Circles Exercise helps you define your sobriety. (A different exercise to that similarly so called in 12 steps groups). You decide what your sex life will look like for the duration of the Recovery Programme.What sexual activities are "OK", "NOT OK" and which are "IFFY". Relapse often occurs where your brain negotiates with you that certain "IFFY" behaviours are "OK", when really they are "NOT OK".Presented by The Kairos Centre - Bringing colour back to life - without sham...

Send us a textYour triggers don't just come out of nowhere. Take back control of your eyes, your thinking & fantasy, which is undisciplined and you gave free rein to, years earlier.If you can change your thinking, you can change your life. Use R.A.I.D to help you. Small incremental steps lead to the good outcomes that you desire.Presented by The Kairos Centre - Bringing colour back to life - without shame. Get the help you need: bit.ly/pornaddictionhelpThe Kairos Centre created one of the...

Send us a textDon't be an island & do Recovery on your own. 12 Steps groups like SA, SAA, SLAA, Celebrate Recovery, X3 Watch Groups are "co-therapy" type supports, that supplement your recovery.Get rid of inhibitions and Hollywood movie misconceptions. Shame will be challenging you, but you will use a different reasoning to justify why you don't attend.Presented by The Kairos Centre - Bringing colour back to life - without shame. Get the help you need: bit.ly/pornaddictionhelpThe Kairos C...

Send us a textBegin at the beginning. Many people experience some type of wounding during early development and learn to manage their emotions, but sometimes it gets the better of them. Sex addiction is not about sex. Sex is a symptom of an underlying problem. Sex is not the problem. It is a symptom and an outlet. We do not see with our eyes. We see with our brain. Want to know more; to better understand?Get your calendar ready for the countdown; Porn-blocker is no more than an attempt at del...

Send us a textWhat is a feeling state and how does this impact behaviours as they relate to sex, porn and love addiction?And where Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) come into this? I'm sure you've come across the term CBT before and in this episode, I'm going to break down the term so that you understand how your cognitive (thinking state) will go on to become the behaviour that will be acted out. Presented by The Kairos Centre - Bringing colour back to life - without shame. Get the h...

Send us a textOften the words Compulsion and Addiction are used interchangeably, but there actually is a difference between a compulsion and an addiction, and I want to help you understand the difference. I start by giving you a definition of what it means to have a Compulsion and then contrast that with an Addiction. I also talk about the brain's active role in which behaviour you will choose.Presented by The Kairos Centre - Bringing colour back to life - without shame. Get the help you need...

Send us a textWhen we talk about sex, porn and addiction, it's important we separate the behaviours from the person.So in this episode, I talk about why it's important to identify what is you, and what is your behaviour and understand the difference between adding something to your life as opposed to being intertwined with that something.I also talk about how habit and repetitive behaviour practices lead to a person maintaining the behaviours that constitute sex, porn or love addiction. Prese...

Send us a textIn this first episode, I want to read you a poem by John T. Atwood called The Poem For Every Person.It's a poem of reassurance because by opening up to me or a Kairos Centre Team member, you'll be opening up the most intimate parts of your life to a stranger, and I'm very sensitive to that.My assurance to you is that we will never breach your confidentiality. Not only will we look after your information, sensitively and wisely, but we will create a safe space so that you feel co...