Tell Me How You're Mighty: Real Talk About Cheating

A woman writes to say she swapped her cheating husband for a Roomba. Her new appliance vacuums, never gaslights her, and comes back to its home port every night. We asked: What did you replace your cheater with? We've got upgrades of every kind. And cats. A lot of cats. 

Listeners discuss how they discovered their partners were cheating. From putting spy apps on a phone, to the idiot who forgot the Ring camera was recording, to the cheater who inadvertently alerted the private investigator to what car his Schmoopie drives. Sarah and Tracy react to the cheater hijinks and how cheaters underestimate their chumps.

Tracy talks with writer and actress Nell Hudson about her eight-year relationship with a man who had a double life -- which she discovered on their anniversary. What he excused as another woman's infatuation with him, turned out to be an entire history of serial cheating with multiple partners. Tracy and Nell discuss the cultural narratives around infidelity, why we don't call it abuse, and what it means to be a feminist and a chump. 

In this episode, Sarah and Tracy react to a letter from a woman who lives in the same small town as her ex and the affair partner -- her former friend. Worse, she has to interact with this person at her job. What's the answer? Move away or learn how to coexist? We also hear from two listeners, one with a red flag story on lying, and a mighty single dad who's crushing the sane parenting gig.

The furtive bathroom visits with the cell phone, strange moods, and bizzare accusations that you're cheating -- in this episode we look at all the red flags that you're with a cheater. Hindsight is 20/20, but when you look back, what were the signs? 

In this episode, we discuss the intersection of pregnancy and infidelity. The mistresses who got pregnant. The chumps who got cheated on while pregnant, or going through fertility treatments. The guy chumps who had to paternity test their kids. The "OMG I think I'm pregnant" Hail Mary play by mistresses to win the pick me dance. How children of affairs navigate the complicated stories of their parents. DNA surprises, half-siblings. We get into all the messiness of FWs who reproduce. 

When you lost a cheater, who else did you lose in the breakup? People often think infidelity is just a private matter between a couple, and not a larger conspiracy, as it often turns out to be. In the end, you may lose “friends” who were affair partners, those who knew and didn’t tell you, and the Switzerland folks who don’t want to take sides. Listeners share their stories of who they lost, who they culled, and who they don't miss. 

A woman writes in to Tracy and Sarah after suspecting that her best friend has been cheating with her now ex-husband. This friend has been cagey, unsupportive, and just admitted that she's been a cheater before. The letter writer wants to confront her friend about her behavior, but should she? Would it be better to ghost her instead? Or let it blow over? 

With the recent buzz about Chump Nation in the New Yorker and the Cut, Tracy takes on the haters. Consider it a teaching opportunity. Here's three common infidelity tropes and how to defang them: Bothsiderism (What did you do to make them cheat?); Infidelity is complex (You're a black and white thinker); and Quit Playing the Victim (You're too bitter and emotional). 

Tracy talks with her 83-year old Aunt Joy about what it was like to divorce a cheater in the 1970s. A time when women couldn't get credit without their husbands' signatures, had no workplace protections, and being a single mother was considered a personal failure. Aunt Joy is famous on the Chump Lady blog for the expression "the walls in your house will sing" -- that feeling of freedom and relief when you get a toxic person out of your life. Aunt Joy shares how she rebuilt, married a fellow chump, raised a blended family, became a caregiver for 14 years after her husband suffered dementia, survived widowhood... and went ziplining for her 81st birthday. 

We hear from listeners who didn't stay together for the children (or weren't able to, because one parent abandoned ship), and who raised children on their own. Despite the single parent doom and gloom warnings, the kids turned out great and homelife is peaceful. If you're in the trenches of single parenting, this episode is for you. Take it from two single moms -- (Tracy formerly, Sarah presently) -- you've got this. 

She got married two months ago, only to discover her new husband has been cheating with his colleague -- her friend. He wants to go to Italy with the Other Woman to "explore his feelings" and wants her to wait for him. Instead, she moved out and remains heartbroken. "How can someone you love treat you this way?" Tracy and Sarah react to this guy's mindfuckery and entitlement. And the treachery of the OW.  

So many stupid things cheaters say, it warranted a second podcast of your submissions. The Other Woman who is "rooting" for the chump's marriage. The introspective cheater who sighs, "I just don't know how to love..." The minimization of "Hey, I'm not an axe murderer." All the stupid right here. Again. 

Cheaters say the darndest things. In this episode, Sarah and Tracy react to your Stupid Sh*t Cheaters Say submissions. The suggestion that you would like the affair partner if you only knew them. The sad sausage bleatings. The cruelty of your consequences. How could you?!

How pretty did you pick me dance to win a cheater? Did you lose weight? Up your sex game? Spend less time with the children? Were you aware you were in a life or death pick me spiral with Schmoopie, or did you sense it? In this episode, Sarah and Tracy react to your pick me dance stories shared on voicemail and social media. (We picked you!) 

Rob Manuel is the creator of the social media phenomenon FessHole, where people anonymously share their darkest, most mortifying secrets. In this episode, Rob's curated his best cheater (and wannabe cheater) confessions. The dead bedroom cheaters. The woman who wants someone to come clean her house. The guy who wants his partner to cheat on him because he's too gutless to dump his girlfriend honestly. Sarah and Tracy weigh in. Need more secrets? Check out Fesshole The Podcast.

A self-professed cheater leaves Sarah and Tracy a voicemail asking how he can make amends for being unfaithful. He doesn't wish to reconcile -- they're going to divorce. But how can he rehabilitate his image going forward as co-parents. Tracy offers some thoughts on how to kick the entitlement habit and Sarah provides the sobering, yet friendly, cynicism that this advice probably will not be followed. 

Sarah Manguso has written the ultimate chump novel: Liars. Jane is a woman who endures marriage to, and divorce from, a textbook fuckwit. It dramatizes marital betrayal, narcissistic abuse, and coercive control in a way we all know deep in our bones.   Manguso says, "It’s a novel, so of course it’s all fiction—except for the parts that are true."

During the pandemic, Manguso's cheating husband abandoned her and their son. It became fodder for Liars. 

She the author of nine books, most recently the novel Very Cold People. Liars, is forthcoming on July 23 from Hogarth Books in the US and August 22 from Picador in the UK. Her other books include a story collection, two poetry collections, and four acclaimed works of nonfiction: 300 Arguments, Ongoingness, The Guardians, and The Two Kinds of Decay. Her work has been recognized by a Guggenheim Fellowship and the Rome Prize, and her writing has been translated into twelve languages. She grew up in Massachusetts and now lives in Los Angeles.

Was there a moment in your relationship, before you knew about the cheating, in which you look back and regret not leaving then? In this episode, listeners answer that question. The casual cruelities. The weird absences. The disconnect from family life. And the double lives that are later revealed that make sense of it all. 

Jake and Christine saw an announcement on the Chump Lady site for people who were impacted by the Ashely Madison hack scandal. The were both filmed for the Netflix documentary, but their stories of leaving cheaters and overcoming betrayal were not included. Jake's wife had multiple affairs on the site, and he found out when one of the affair partners contacted him. Christine discovered her boyfriend's double life and then catfished him on the dating site. These are their stories. The ones that don't end in reconciliation. 

Following up from last week's episode, Sarah weighs in on her observations (and revulsions) on the Ashley Madison Neflix series. Is it possible this many serial cheaters exist? Does that guy in the pink flamingo shirt sunning himself by the poolside have any conscience? Is Noel Biderman's wife a chump or an accomplice? It's a deep vein of snark and commentary.

The new Netflix docuseries on the Ashley Madison hack purports to look at the complexities around infidelity. Instead, it's the same old message about reconciliaton and not judging cheaters for their sexuality. Deception -- as experienced by chumps, not Noel Biderman -- is left out of the discussion. Tracy Schorn, aka Chump Lady, riffs on the characters and missed opportunities to have a fuller conversation.

In this episode we discuss how cheaters devalue their partners while simulataneously love bombing their affair partners. Listeners share stories of what their cheaters did for Schmoopies, but not them or their children. From little gestures like cooking dinner or holding hands, to outrageous injustices like stiffing your kids thousands in back child support while paying for private school for the new family -- it's an exercise in trust that they suck. 

A discounted chocolate Easter egg for a 13-year-old's birthday... weeks past Easter. American-flag themed polar fleece. The same gift the Other Woman got, only in the wrong size. In this episode Tracy and Sarah lampoon the Worst Cheater Gifts. Narcissists aren't known for their gift giving, as demonstrated by listeners' submissions of the most thoughtless and tasteless presents ever. The thought did not count. 

Comedian Kat moved to the UK for love over 20 years ago. Then her husband left her for his old girlfriend -- who she thought was a family friend. The kids all go to school together. Now she's divorced and stuck in her adopted home country and can't leave because of the divorce and co-parenting arrangement. And she sees the Other Woman every time she does school pickups. How do you find the humor in that? 

In this episode we talk with blogger/activist Tina Swithin of One Mom's Battle. Tina acted as her own attorney in a high-conflict custody battle that turned her family’s life upside down for over a decade. While divorces are never easy, Tina quickly learned that a divorce involving a narcissist takes the term, “high-conflict” to a level that few can comprehend. 

Tracy and Sarah discuss the common, if depressing, problem of forgiveness and multiple D-Days. What does forgiveness mean? Is it essential to get over betrayal? Or can you move on quite fine without it? And how do you fend off forgiveness trolls -- the sorts who insist on forgiveness before you've even processed the offense? 

What happens when cheater true love goes splat? In this episode, we feature your Schmoopie stories of comeuppance and karmic reckonings. Like the tree that fell on the BMW. A biblical flood. A clever dragnet and the mistress laws of Thailand. If you're moving on from infidelity, the goal is indifference toward your ex, but sometimes you want to shoot that sweet schadenfreude straight into your veins. This is that episode.

Sarah and Tracy react to an article chiding mothers to get along with former affair partners, now wives, for the sake of the children. It goes beyond coparenting, and encourages friendship and socializing with your ex. Much skepticism ensues. Especially from Sarah who has lived experience of this particular dilemma. 

Ever wonder about the life of an infidelity advice columnist? This episode is an Ask Chump Lady Anything where Tracy Schorn takes your questions. How often do mistresses contact you? How soon do you tell someone you're dating you were once cheated on? Is too much chemistry a red flag? 

Tracy and Sarah snark at the self-declared "Infidelity Professor" Albert Arnaiz, who wrote the book SHICRET: How to Be Unfaithful Without Getting Caught. What can a man who looks like a human dildo in a salmon sports coat tell us about cheating? We have so many questions. 

Kathy Sherlock had a protection from abuse order against her daughter Kayden's father Jeff Manusco, who had a history of violence and mental instability. The judge allowed him unsupervised visitation. In October 2018, he murdered Kayden and hung himself. This case became the catalyst for Kayden's Law, which is pending in the Pennsylvania state legislature, to reform family law statutes where there are credible allegations of abuse. Sarah and Tracy talk with Kathy about how she fought to change the court system in her daughter's honor.

Trigger warning: This episode discusses domestic violence and the murder of a child. 

Tracy and Sarah take apart a recent People magazine "love" story entitled Cheating Saved Our Marriage! It's a common reconciliation trope that surviving infidelity makes marriages stronger. A claim Chump Lady likens to shooting off your kneecaps improving your tennis game. Enduring is one thing, improving is quite another. 

Sarah and Tracy discuss the UK cheating scandal of footballer Kyle Walker and his -- oops! -- second child with his mistress Lauryn Goodman. Betrayed wife Annie Kilner, who is pregnant with their fourth child, took Walker back after the first oops child with Goodman. But a second? Hey, he has no idea how this has happened! 

Welcome to a special Valentine's Day edition of Tell Me How You're Mighty! Sarah and Tracy discuss our worst Valentine's Days, smug coupledom, and a shared hatred of carnations. We read submissions from the Infidelity Valentine's poetry contest, where cheaters are immortalized in verse. (One submission is even a punk rock song.)  

Worried someone might be cheating on you? Got a controlling partner and the feeling that you're under survelliance? Going through a messy divorce? You may want to consider hiring a private detective. In this episode Tracy and Sarah talk with Kenneth D'Angelo, a private investigator with 31 years experience. We discuss double lives, money trails, debugging, and how to catch a cheater. 

It's hard to be cheated on. It's even harder when your faith community blames you for it or thinks divorce is a bigger sin than the cheating. In this episode, Sarah and Tracy talk with Rev. David Derksen, a prison chaplain, Yale Divinity school graduate, and creator of the DivorceMinister.com blog that helps victims of infidelity navigate spiritual abuse. 

Sarah and Tracy respond to a recent Chump Lady post "10 Questions to Ask Your Unfaitfhul Spouse." Unlike a reconciliation article, these are actual questions you should ask, but will probably not get an honest answer to. "Do you buy sex?" "Did you use protection?" and "Did anyone get pregnant?" are a few we cover. We also celebrate a story of mightiness this week from a chump who went into business for herself. 

Shani Silver, TikToker, author of a Single Revolution, and the podcast A Single Serving, is a unique  voice of support, shedding the societal shame around singlehood. With Sarah and Tracy, she gives a snarky take down of dating culture, the misogyny of "He's Just Not That Into You," and the cringiest thing anyone has ever said to her about being single. She also reacts to the FW of the Week -- an ex-boyfriend who demanded last year's Christmas present back.

Happy holidays! Sarah and Tracy take your recordings of the Worst Holidays Ever spent with fuckwits. A hooker named "Holly," passive-aggressive presents, and appalling behavior -- cheaters make for terrible partners, but great gallows humor material. If you're feeling blue this holiday season, warm yourself by this fireside of dysfunction. 

Sandra Brown is a pioneering therapist in narcissistic abuse recovery and the author of 12 books related to pathological love relationships. She talks to Sarah and Tracy about how to recognize dark triad personalities and why such people make dangerous partners. Her advice: it's a fool's errand to do therapy with abusers -- they don't change. But you can. 

Imagine going through infidelity, rebuilding your life, only to have your home invaded. Sarah and Tracy talk with Darlene, a mighty woman who has done many mighty things -- raised four successful kids, left a Jesus cheater, and fought back when a thief tried to rob her house. Darlene reacts with advice for FW of the Week -- a woman who was caregiving her mother-in-law while her husband was cheating. 

After 21 years of marriage, one day therapist Vikki Stark's husband walked out on her. Unbeknownst to her, he'd been having an affair for six years. She thought they were happily married. The experience changed her life and her therapy practice. "He inadvertently gave me a gift. When I scraped myself up off the floor, I knew I had to help other women pick up the pieces and rebuild a better life and that has been my mission ever since!"

Sarah and Tracy ask Vikki about recovering from abandonment, her book, Runaway Husbands, and Vikki weighs in on the FW of the Week. 

How do you know if you can mediate a divorce, or if you're dealing with a high-conflict individual and it's going to court? Tracy talks with family law attorney Regina DeMeo about all things messy divorce: custody, litigation abuse, and infidelity. This is an earlier recording, broadcast for a special edition of Tell Me How You're Mighty. 

How to have hard conversations with kids about divorce and separation -- Sarah and Tracy talk with parenting expert Sue Atkins on being age appropriate and resisting the urge to "slag off" the offending ex. Sue tackles hard questions about explaining abandonment to a three year old; a teenager who won't speak to her father; and the frustrations of working with Disney parents. Bonus: She takes on the FW of the Week -- a man with an obnoxious tattoo.

Sarah and Tracy react to three FW of the Week submissions -- a woman whose husband suggested a "quad" with his current affair partner; an unwanted gifted Esther Perel book; and a Texan who GPSed her husband's car and broadcast the discoveries. 

Our guest Jenny Ball had four kids under 10 when her husband walked out for his affair partner and then later quit his job. At one point, she was owed $40K in back support. Jenny sold stuff on eBay to survive, had her house foreclosed upon, filed for bankruptcy and needed food banks to feed her children -- experiences that inspired her to create a support community for other single moms -- The Happy HausFrau Porch. 

People know Dave Jackson as the founder of the School of Podcasting, an author,  and member of the Academy of Podcasters Hall of Fame. But he's also a regular guy who's been through some hard stuff and come out the other side a compassionate person with a killer sense of humor. Sarah and Tracy talk with Dave about being chumped, divorced, and the final indignity -- getting car jacked. Bonus: Dave weighs in on the FW of the Week -- a man who disappeared while his wife was in labor. 

Sarah and Tracy take on the established save-your-marriage advice of the 180, a term coined by therapist Michelle Weiner-Davis of "Divorce Busters" fame. Gutted by betrayal? Be cheerful and attractive! Never ask questions! Don't be angry! Pretzel yourself into pleasing shapes to win a cheater. Contrary, inauthentic, and just weirdly misogynistic, we wonder is the prize worth it? 

We talk with Dr. Omar Minwalla, who is unique among therapists for calling cheating a "deceptive sexuality" problem. Dr. Minwalla is a psychologist and founder of The Institute for Sexual Health and the author of the "Secret Sexual Basement." We talk about trauma and the conventional victim-blaming discourse around infidelity. And what lurks in those subterranean hideyholes. 

Tracy and Sarah speak with Martina, a woman who divorced her cheating husband, gained a life -- only to receive a terminal cancer diagnosis a few months later. She's still here. Solo parenting her teenagers, riding horses, having adventures, and crossing many things off her bucket list. It's an emotional conversation about abandonment -- and getting your life back -- however long that is.  

Diane Strickland started the website YourStoryIsSafeHere.com to help wives and partners traumatized by men called sex addicts. She challenges the notion that such women are "codependent," but rather abused. Diane is a trained Canadian trauma specialist, critical incident responder, ordained pastor and was also once chumped in her former marriage. She took the skills she learned as a counselor to help others deal with their double life discoveries. Diane talks with Sarah and Tracy about codependency, productive anger, tone policing, and the sex addiction therapy industry. 

Dr. George Simon is a psychologist and best-selling author who's been decoding manipulation for over 30 years. Tracy and Sarah ask him about his work on "character disturbance" and Dr. Simon answers a listener's question about being estranged from her family after they sided with her abusive, cheating ex-husband. 

Sarah and Tracy talk with Nancy, a woman who pulled up stakes for a new town, a new career and a new identity after her divorce -- moving to the other end of the country to take a job as a resident "dorm mom" at a boarding school. With food and housing covered, she pocketed her paycheck, traveled on the weekends, and rebuilt her life. Her mantra: "Eat my sparkle dust!"

After Christina Pavlina went through her own divorce, she helped create a nonprofit to make it easier for women to navigate the process. Pavlina is the cofounder and the executive director of Jane Does Well, a national outreach organization. Beyond social meet-ups, single mom support groups, yoga, and divorce education workshops, Jane Does Well also advocates for legislation and changes to make the family courts more accessible and fair to women. Mighty!

A woman calls in whose husband of 30 years walked out on her before Xmas -- after his mistress gave him an ultimatum. She wants to know -- was he a nice person who turned nasty? Or was he a terrible person all the time and she was completely mistaken about a man she spent three decades with? Tracy and Sarah untangle the skein of abandonment. 

Sarah and Tracy discuss being public with their chump stories. Guest Paul Doncaster takes mightiness to a new level when he tells his D-Day story "The Stranger" at Moth Radio storytelling contest in front of a live audience. And his ex turns up with her boyfriend! 

Sarah and Tracy discuss the ordinary people they've met who've impressed them with their extraordinary resilience. Teasers for mighty stories to come!