Smutclub 1990

The Poms are off the chain, and cutting loose in Chelsea with some ravenous rooting revelry! Doubtlessly high on dangerous drugs, The Picture’s roaming reporter has ventured into a sordid hotbed of debauchery to bring the beloved readers tales of people rooting goblins on the floor. Bjork is crowbarred in there somewhere. Then, we hear about Melbourne’s 1996 Sexpo show, which is chock-full of rude showbags and cutting edge vibrator technology, as well as Max Cream and his ugly, fleshy pole. If you understood any of that, you’re as unhinged as we are. Have it.

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It’s time to rip into another one of The Picture’s famous Gripping Yarns! This week we hear about some poor sod who has an unpleasant trouser-based surprise at the end of a tockley tantalizing interaction with his gorgeous neighbour. Absolute garbage, didn’t happen, not a word of truth in it. Then, we round it out with some sheila talking about sending her husband’s knob to the mental asylum with arousal. Good fun as always.

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We’re back with another edition of Sez You, one of the many reader-submitted portions of The Picture magazine! We hear a desperate cry for pantyhose-related content from a man with a niche taste in fetishes, followed shortly by a plea from another reader to have his pornographic magazine collection taken away from him. After a bit of faffing around with our phones trying to call a mobile number listed in the magazine, we then read one of the most fucked poems we’ve ever come across. Beware the long arm of the law.

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These two little fellas are back again, and despite a rocky start and somewhat of a breakdown on one of their parts, it’s another horny week here at Smutclub HQ! First off, we read about some bloke who is producing anatomically correct mannequins with assumedly nefarious motivations. After we’re done with that pillar of society, we learn about some absolute bozo from the Top End who has won a date with one of the sheila journos at The Picture. There’s a series of photos with her norks out while he gets increasingly drunk. We round it out with a beautiful bit of poetry. Lovely stuff.

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Derryn Hamster has struck again, with a wonderfully informative article about American folk and some absolutely coo-coo bananas behaviour with their pets. We’re talking frogs getting sent to the gym, some bloke who uses his lizard collection to pull roots, and a couple of cowboys who let their horse ride in the back of a Cadillac. Absolute garbage, none of it is true, but boy is it fascinating reading this tripe.

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It’s the dawn of a new magazine, a new shining light burgeoning with tockleys, spoonta and mootage. We’re joined by comedian Cameron Duggan to flick through this second-hand stick mag, where randy readers are writing in questions to resident advice columnist, Adriann. We stumble upon infected belly-button piercings, crudely worded sexually propositions, and creative labial adjustment methods, all in the name of a damn good time. Horrific scenes here at Smutclub HQ.

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We’re rounding out another magazine this week with an audience favourite, the delectably crass Home Girls section. We’re joined by comedian and artist, Emma Holland, to peruse a handful of poorly taken photos submitted by discerning sheila readers of The Picture, accompanied by clunky bios revealing sad facts about them. Some like tigers, some are pregnant with their third child at age 21, and some just straight up need the cash. No one is on the dole, thankfully, and they’ll be the first to admit that. Chonka chonka.

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Another week, another pairing of black-and-white tabloid articles about irrelevant garbage. Clogging up this ancient skin magazine once again are a couple of articles about some old bastard who collects vacuum cleaners, and another nut in the outskirts of Brisbane who is about to have his pet kangaroos repossessed. What place do these articles have inside pornographic literature? We’re not quite sure, but we’re nearly at the end of this edition, so let’s just keep our heads down and bang on through. Party on.

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The lads are back, and they’ve acquired a little friend to help flick through tacky tabloid tales littered with bawdy wordplay once again! We start off with an expose into some road safety innovations coming out of futuristic South Australia, as we learn about how police are using high-tech spikes to stop hoons. Absolutely genius stuff. Then, we flick through some reader-submitted questions in Ask Sunny (note: NOT Sonya, completely different person), all pretty tame content in there, such as some awful body shaming, unfair Mediterranean stereotypes, and a good bit of wife-swapping to boot. Fun times.

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We’re back for another episode, albeit a little late, but nevertheless we are powering through and bringing you more hot garbage tabloid content from the literary gem of the early 90’s, The Picture magazine! This week we learn of a relatively true recount of a noise complaint made between a Melbourne brothel and a neighboring dance studio, complete with pictures of the children who take lessons there. In a Smutclub 1990 first, we manage to track down one of the people from today’s article, going as far as getting her voicemail! How exciting indeed.

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This week’s episode we unpack another gripping yarn, courtesy of The Picture magazine, where we tell the tale of the disgruntled and enraged taxi driver, Max, and his unsettling and bothersome passenger. We try our hand at some amateur voice acting, and we find a slur printed in the opening sentence of the article. Shortly after, we move onto another edition of Home Blokes, where we discuss three unfortunate men and their unfortunate little tockleys. Wonderful stuff.

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Chonka chonka chonka, the chonk-train has left the station! We’re back with another chonk-filled episode, as we unpack two of The Picture’s trademark tabloid articles. First, we learn about a no-hope punk band from the UK, by the name of Wat Tyler, who went dakless in an effort to parody Madonna’s nudey book. Then, we learn about some Italian bloke who’s carrying on the Kama Sutra’s legacy by printing sex positions onto chocolate, which is apparently the only way forward for books. We attempt to solve world hunger at some point also. Enjoy.

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This week the boys are unpacking another infamous Sez You section from The Picture magazine, chock full of reader submitted content. We’ve got a real mixed bag, ranging from a grandiloquently worded critical essay from a faux intellectual reader, right down to shit tattoos and pictures of genitalia. We’re onto our precious few remaining articles in this magazine, before we get to crack the seal on a freshly acquired smutrag. How exciting.

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After a lengthy hiatus, the boys have finally made it back down the garden path and into the warm welcoming enclosure of our father’s shed, to perseverate once more on the indecency, obscenity, and ribaldry of The Picture magazine. In this first episode back, we learn about hero biker Randy ‘Animal’ Nelson, a reformed criminal who has now turned to a life of charity. Despite having hung up the sawn-off shotgun in lieu of a more benevolent candor, we learn that Animal still has a penchant for the occasional dirty work - particularly once a month. What began as a fairly tame article has really taken a disgusting turn. Good to be back.

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Another week of reader-submitted content from the subscribers of The Picture magazine. This time, readers are penning their questions, quandaries, and quagmires to resident nympho and columnist Sonia. We’re joined by returning guest, comedian Marcel Blanche-de Wilt, lending his vocals to the voice of Sonia, as she solves a very concerning sexual issue surrounding the use of a blowtorch and a seltzer tablet. Truly one of the most fucked things we’ve experienced thus far in the podcast, followed up by a bedroom proposition from a rather well-built regional town minor. Unhinged lunacy of the highest order.

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This week the boys crack into the archives of Japanese mythology, which has somehow found its way into the middle of an Australian softcore pornographic magazine. Joined by comedian Jack Druce, we discuss the myth of Amaterasu, albeit greatly butchered by a severe use of creative license down at The Picture HQ. We dance around a couple of outdated slurs and grey areas, all pretty business as usual when you are reading the crookest magazine ever published. Enjoy x

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The boys are back, sans guest this week, finally recording from our secret headquarters in Brisbane, away from the prying eyes of our parents. This week we learn of a semi-legal risque operation called Book-N-Act, operating out of the river city itself, that caters to the grey area of making physical contact with erotic dancers. More disgusting behaviour from Queensland, and a real grubby relic of yesteryear. Please enjoy with caution x

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We’re joined in the shed this week by local shed enthusiast, garage advocate, and proud owner of every Makita product ever produced, Kel Balnaves! We have another edition of My Funniest Fuck to unpack, featuring glow in the dark paint, rooting on an airplane, and both doggy AND normal style sex. Final week at Adelaide Fringe for the boys, and this episode is a real crook one as always, thank you for joining x

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It’s time to combine two of our favourite pastimes, nudity and basic mechanical repair, as we crack into one of the most poorly written and frustratingly uninformative pieces of writing in existence. This week’s article is the biggest pile of shit, but we do find a couple of diamonds in the rough. We’re joined with Melbourne comedian, Frankie McNair, recording from the Adelaide Fringe where we have all lost our minds and parted with significant amounts of cash. Please enjoy x

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We’re cracking the seal on a new magazine once again! Our parents’ house is been transported South of the border, down Adelaide way as we make our yearly pilgrimage to the land of the broad A vowel and financial ruin. We respond to some listener’s messages, give a sneak preview of some content to come, and generally just have a chat about life admin. Big stack of fun guests coming soon - enjoy x

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It’s time to get real horny with some real photos from real women this week, as we check out the Home Girls section of this filthy little magazine. We’re joined by local pervert and comedian, Meg Jager, to peruse the kind of girls that will, and this is a quote, “flash for cash”. Spanning across every regional shithole and low-socio urban cesspit this great sunburnt land of ours has to offer, we learn about the ins and outs (pun intended) of several scantily clad sheilas. Stick around to the end for the grand (also pun intended) finale, as we are treated to an odd twist on what is supposed to be body positivity. Real mess this week is, good on ya, thanks for playing x

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We’re back with yet another scientific exposition into the genitalia of Australian fauna, thanks to Furry Affairs’ editor, Derryn Hamster! We learn of the tireless research done by Dr Peggy Rismiller, hailing from Adelaide, who worked out exactly how echidnas do mad roots, and the propensity at which spoonta shoots from their quadruple headed dingalings. We’ve lost the fucking plot and dragged along comedian Marcel Blanch de Wilt for the ride. Get stuck in x

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We’re treated to another gripping yarn this week courtesy of The Picture magazine, which takes place in a diversity conference at the local police station. A real spicy number, this week’s feature certainly has not aged well, and we exercise our right to censor (and censure) rather liberally. In other news, we read out the dating profiles of six eligible spunks who may or may not engage in the oldest profession for monetary gain. A real rough one this episode, please enjoy x

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That’s enough sheilas, let’s tuck into a big ol’ serving of blokes this week! We’re joined by Perth-born grub, bloke-enthusiast and occasional comedian Brett Blake to check out the tockleys on the male readers of The Picture magazine in 1994. There are five absolute studs, hardly any of which we still believe exist within this mortal coil, who have submitted their blood-filled hogs for publication in exchange for $75 AUD. Pitiful stuff, please enjoy x

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It’s another week of tall tales of titillating trysts submitted by the grubby minded readers of The Picture magazine. Riddled with embellishment, the stories in this week’s episode are part of My Funniest Fuck, a recurring feature where readers submit their stories of infidelity, polygamy, and very inappropriate behaviour on school grounds. As always, they’re playing fast and loose with a legal grey area, and we’re absolutely here for it. Heavy use of the word smoo, and a fair bit of fireman related chat. You’ve been warned x

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The boys are back for another week of reader submitted content, pleading their financial hardships to the seldom benevolent and oft audacious Cashman! Joined by Tor Snyder, the progenitor of Cashman’s dulcet gravelly tones, we hear tales of woe consisting of botched choozie implants, overdue phone bills, and a twelve year old girl who can’t throw hands for shit. Crook as always, we’ve barrelled through sans edits on this one. Have at it x

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Our first ever guest returns to the shed for a special treat this week, a double feature from the desk of Derryn Hamster himself. First we learn about two gormless twits in Pommyland who have chosen to fill the first level of their house with a horde of hamsters, before moving onto a weird woman sentenced to death for being a bit of an arsehole. There’s quite a graphic description of a convicted killer’s final moments during their demise inside a lethal gas chamber, not exactly ideal for a bit of solo pillow talk in our opinion, but a cracking read nonetheless. Play on.

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Another week, another filthy article from this horrible little magazine. In the absence of our parental figures, this week we’ve brought in Peter’s homeschool teacher and comedian Emma Zammit. This week, The Picture magazine details to us about how we can acquire a couple of gratis roots at two of Melbourne’s classiest bordellos. They haven’t spared a single detail, from method of transport betwixt the pair of knock-shops, to the extracurricular offerings at said establishments. One hour roots, pinball, a cup of tea, and a bit of chonka chonka chonka. Enjoy.

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This week we bring in the new year with another article diving into a reader’s sordid sexual fantasy. We’re joined by the weird kid with the slingshot from the shittest house on the street, Sam Bowden, as we peruse the weird masturbatory machinations from the mind of a wrestling obsessed reader. We learn of a heavy set wrestler they call the Black Widow, who is absolutely about to decimate her opponents, Jill and Sue, in the ring - no pun intended. One small problem, the reader left himself out of his own fantasy, a very big whoopsy daisy indeed. Enjoy.

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The boys are back to wrap a bow on the final episode of 2021, as we dive into The Picture magazine’s feature, a two page spread reviewing various marital aids. Join resident nympho, Sonia, as we unpack the features, faults, and follies of five fantastic fucktoys foisted upon us - from the primitive love beads of the East, to an absolutely disgraceful latex sheath (reviewed by one Mr Harrison Hard-On), this episode truly is a horror to listen to. Pretty horny stuff, enjoy.

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This week the boys go the episode solo without a guest, as we unpack the urine-based creations of artist and sculptor Helen Chadwick. We uncover a new favourite phrase birthed from The Picture magazine, and we play around with some clues and conundrums from this week’s Cheekycross crossword puzzle. Turns out Chuck Berry was a bit of a dirty bugger, and we give Australian comedy a royal makeover with the creation of ‘Baron Carl’. Enjoy x

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It’s a double feature week over here at Smutclub HQ, and we’re blessed with two tales of absolute nonsense to unpack with our guest, comedian Dane Simpson! Firstly, we learn about Mick, a local genius from Northern NSW, who has invented tiny surfboards with action figurines stuck to them, which is shortly followed by some prick from the Sunshine Coast who makes his workers dress in humiliating attire under threat of immediate retrenchment. Wild stuff as always, get stuck in x

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This week we get meta, as The Picture magazine’s own pornographic afficianado, Harry Hard-On takes us through his own personal favourite skin flicks. We’re joined by comedian Angus Gordon to take turns reading through some absolute filth, which ranges from the aggressively smutty, to outrageously kooky, and straight back into pure deranged and unhinged lunacy. We discover a racial slur that has gone to print, and then discuss a film wherein a man copulates with a rubber duck. Truly a horrifying and awful feature this week.

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We’re getting stuck into another bullshit article this week, where we learn of two star-crossed lovers, cruelly separated by borders and bureaucracy. Unhinged maniac and Adelaide-based comedian, James Donald Forbes McCann, joins us to unpack the story of Cheryl, a British mother, who has taken fancy to a well-endowed Kenyan warrior and part-time dancer by the name of Daniel. We continue to build our festival lineup with more bizarre phrases, and stumble upon a litany of incredibly politically incorrect turns of phrase. More gold from this horrible little publication.

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This week we’re hearing again from the distinguished readers of The Picture, as they pose questions to would-be columnist and lover of the occasional lesbian embrace, Jo Guest. Speaking of guests, we are joined in the shed this week by comedian Matt Stewart, who is increasingly uncomfortable as this episode progresses. We continue our hot streak for pornographic magazines discovered in nearby nature, and touch on some very grim content courtesy of some inquisitive and very horny readers.

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It’s the beginning of a new chapter in this podcast, as we unpack both the front and back covers of Issue #316. This edition is also a 1994 model, and already we can see that the editorial staff at The Picture are doubling down on crook content and farcical horseshit. They’ve ducked and weaved an obvious chance at body positivity with a carefully placed birthday cake, and we go down a rabbithole when learn about Chuck Norris’ esteemed right-hand man, karate expert and decorated veteran, Danny Lane.

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This week we unpack another two spurious articles from the depths of The Picture magazine, chronicling the tales of a Northern gentleman with a penchant for cranial balancing feats, and the humble tale of Tyke, a rogue police dog who bit some fella on the gonads. Joined by comedian Luke Heggie, we unpack the grim details and absurd lies of two of the silliest bits of journalism to ever grace the pages of a 1990s wank rag. Turns out there’s a bloke called John from Derbyshire who can balance a compact car on his bonce, and some gun-toting felon across the Tasman with a taste for canine flesh. Pure horseshit, once again.

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We’re fast approaching the business end of this filthy little magazine, the vinegar strokes if you will, and we’re joined by Sydney-based comedian, Bec Charlwood, to pick apart reader-submitted nude photographs. These images hark back to a pre-internet era, when nudes would have to be developed on film, and popped in the mailbox at the local post office with the hope of scoring fifty Australian dollars. These women are as beautiful as their backstories are grim, with a vast majority of the Home Girls financially destitute, save for one very randy (and freshly permed) grandmother. God bless you Vonda x

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We’re back for another episode of one of the internet’s most niche podcasts, wherein we unpack softcore Australian pornography exhumed from the abode of a soul no longer confined to this mortal coil. Indeed, this week, we are joined by Melbourne-based comic, Luka Muller, to discuss the activities of self-proclaimed bag of randiness, and all-round grog legend and piss artist extraordinaire, Albert Clarke. Sporting astronomical statistics with regards to his formidable bent elbow, Albert apparently lived to 92 years old despite rounding out each day like the apocalypse was nigh. Do we believe a word of this article? Absolutely not, but fuck me dead is it funny. Enjoy x

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This week we’re joined by comedian, musician, and most importantly good friend of ours, Henry Bretz, as we delve deep into the reader submitted content section of The Picture magazine. In the ‘Sez You’ feature, we’re treated to poetry, lewd cartoons, and spousal sketches, all sourced from the mind (singular intended) of The Picture’s reader base. We are introduced to a cruel caricature of Sarah ‘Fergie’ Ferguson depicted as agricultural machinery, poetry about having a slice of toast post coitus, and we also meet Teena - quite literally a cartoon vagina on legs. Disgraceful.

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In this week’s episode, we take turns doing a bit of a table read through another piece of ‘reader submitted’ prose, albeit with notable punch-ups by the editing team at The Picture magazine. We chronicle a very elaborately mediocre exchange between an unkempt rapscallion and a service worker of vague description, in what can only be described as the height of banality. We shock our guest, Ben Knight, with imagery of tockleys sourced from the Home Blokes themselves, and we uncover possibly the most crook thing we have ever seen in a mass media publication. We didn’t publish it, we just found it - and that’s a loophole.

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On this week’s episode, join your horny little hosts as we delve through yet another article void of ribaldry and filth, and instead take a trip down memory lane. Turns out, for quite a few years, the Germans were being bastards to the Brits, and ‘accidentally’ bombed a bandstand in Northern Pomgolia. Plus, we discuss Jake’s pending brain snap, cartoon pornography’s place in the uncanny valley, and why heavy set people should be buried to tuba music. Enjoy.

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It’s time to take a break from the smut and filth that has stained previous episodes, and time to hear the financial woes straight from the vox populi. Turns out that the readers of The Picture magazine have severe fiscal mismanagement to the point of requesting money from a fictional character in a pornographic publication. We introduce CASHMAN this week, voiced by our good mate and comedian Tor Snyder, who appears to be somewhat of a Robin Hood figure, albeit not great at coughing up the total amount of dosh required to relieve the readers’ woes.

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Our parents have vacated for the arvo to slap back house wines at the RSL, which means Jake and Pete are free to peruse smut in the back shed once again. This week we’re joined by comedian and big commercial television star, Mike Goldstein, all the way from The Americas, as we introduce him to a zoological nightmare of a feature. We hark back to a simpler time where you could publish slurs, women could kiss sharks, and most importantly blokes could do the rumpy pumpy with their favourite swan. Birds of a feather wank together it seems.

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This week the boys are out of the shed and into the dark depths of Good Chat Comedy Club, where we gleefully read out softcore pornography for a single digit audience. We sucked back a fair few beers and did our best job to try to understand the smutty nonsense in this feature. There’s a fair whack of confusion surrounding a judo belt, and our guest seems to have a cognitive issue differentiating between cab drivers and security guards.

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The boys are back to crack into another feature from the crookest magazine known to man. We’re treated to some sage wisdom from notorious quack and self-proclaimed sexpert, Dr Ignatius Jones, as he imparts valuable wisdom concerning the halting of ‘prong-cream production’ via various sprays and injections. Shortly after this, we unpack some nonsense about a man who is too obese to administer erectile disfunction treatments on his own tockley. And, for some reason, the movie Cars features heavily in this episode, which makes sense considering how popular it is in our age group.

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We’re home alone, void of parental guidance, and we’ve run a magnet across the back of our moral compasses, ready to dive into the centrefold of this filthy magazine. Joined by our friend, comedian Nick Capper, (who is in Peter’s grade at school), we finally get the scoop on the icy and discerning Covergirl Liz. This week’s feature has set a new record for the least comprehensible bit of prose we’ve uncovered yet. An article lower than filth, devoid of all structure and coherence - but, it is very, very funny. Please enjoy another week of inscrutable sexual musings.

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We’re back in the shed for another week to peruse a pile of pornography peppered with pongy Poms, and regailed with writings of rectal retribution and retrenchment. For once, we’re not burdened with bountiful boozies and bulging ballbags, instead treated to a bit of light entertainment from across the atlantic. We discover the origins of one of Australia’s most beloved cult entertainers, and are treated to an absolutely horrific case of workplace bullying concerning a man with poor personal hygiene. Paul Lives Matter.

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School’s out, and mum and dad have finally pissed off out of the house for the arvo, leaving us to our own devices in the shed. We’ve got a friend from school, comedian Shad Wicka joining us as we delve into the mastabatory relics of one dearly departed man, and indeed heaven’s newest (and horniest) angel. This week is very sport heavy, as we unpack Nigel from Doonside’s most top secret sexual fantasy, set inside an indoor cricket centre. As this week’s feature devolves quickly from explicit smut to sporting commentary, it also serves as the progenitor to the hero that Australia deserves, Batsheila. Howzat, indeed.

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Welcome back into the shed of filth, where we delve into another smutty article with a special guest friend and comedian, Rhi Down! We unpack another feature spread, exploring the unique uses of videotelephony for self-gratification. Enjoy the latest technology from Pomgolia, ripe for a viewer voyage of chooz, moot, and the optional doot. $4.99 per minute, so bring your chequebooks. Not for the faint of heart, nor the sound of mind.

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Our fourth episode involves a special guest friend and comedian, Aidan ‘Taco’ Jones’, who we have invited into the shed to peruse some absolute filth with us. We dig into a brilliant spread uncovering the covert confessions of a phone sex operator, tantalisingly teasing tockleys with their wildest fantasies - with a few notable exceptions. Lot of talk about grannies in this one, pretty yuck stuff.

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We welcome our first guest into the shed to paw through the lewd contents of the crookest magazine known to man. Cairns based comic Joe Waddington, who goes to another school, has joined us for Pages 3 through 5 of the mag, where we delve into some spurious claims of marathon sex efforts and root-based record breaking. The word ‘bonk’ has been relegated as the prose turns up a notch, begging the question how this magazine ever even went to print. Plus, we learn the word ‘spoonta’, and are reminded that Saddam Hussein was a bastard.

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We’ve cracked the front cover, now it’s time to toss through the absolute filth on Page 2. Off to a roaringly smutty start, we waste no time unpacking the magazine’s first article about bawdy idioms, accompanied by a scantily-clad woman of the cloth. The word ‘choozzies’ enters our vocabulary forever, and we discover some unusual ‘facts’ about nuns. The evidence to support our theory that this magazine is written by a 15-year-old boy is mounting up.

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In this first episode, we introduce the concept of Smutclub 1990 and unpack the insane front cover of the smutty magazine in question. Also, we discuss how we came to be in possession of a bunch of Australian softcore pornographic magazines from the early nineties. Frequent use of the word 'bonk' in this episode, be warned. Let's get horny.

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