The 100 Word Stories Podcast

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
The captain assigned another pirate to sanity check everything that George did.
“Isn’t that term offensive?” said George. “It’s demeaning to the mentally ill.”
The other pirates laughed at George’s oversensitivity, until September 19th came around.
Port Royal was full of drunk cruise ship passengers on a day trip, shouting YAR! and SHIVER ME TIMBERS! and wearing eyepatches and waving plastic cutlasses around.
“We’re nothing like that!” said the crew. “That’s so offensive!”
They robbed the landlubbers, and went off and got drunk, and they waved their cutlasses around.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Somehow, he’d managed to wreck his ship on a far-distant asteroid.
It was a small asteroid, with three tiny volcanoes and a pretty red flower.
A little boy was attacking a seedling with a hoe.
“If I don’t kill the baobabs early enough, they’ll take root and destroy my home,” he said.
George tied up the boy “You must be someone’s child, and they’ll pay ransom.”
George chopped a baobab down for wood to repair his ship.
He sailed off as the remaining baobabs burst the asteroid apart.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
After three days stranded in the desert with no food or water, he was hallucinating pretty badly.
“All I need is a rope to pull my ship back to the water,” babbled George, stumbling over the sand.
George came across what he thought was a rope, but it turned out to be a snake.
“Good evening,” said the snake.
Whether it was the rope being a snake or the snake talking, it didn’t matter.
Startled, George beat the snake with a rock, ate it, and continued on his journey.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Instead of spare ammunition, George brought extra food and wine.
He’d share them with the other pirates.
“So much better than hardtack and water,” they said. “Where did you get that?”
“I made it myself,” said George.
The pirates lobbied the captain to let George cater raids and battles.
Other pirate ships caught wind of George’s talents, and he ended up catering them, too. And navies. And merchants.
George built a fleet of catering ships. Nobody messed with them.
Because nobody wanted to go back to hardtack and water.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Instead of looting and pillaging and plundering, when it was a nice day, George just wanted to roam through fields of flowers or sit by the ocean and listen to the waves.
Surprisingly, instead of making George walk the plank, the captain agreed, and went with George.
So did the rest of the crew.
Word spread quickly. Other pirate crews walked off the job. Navy crews too.
Pretty soon everyone was enjoying a day off.
“Your plan worked,” the captain told George. “Now let’s go rob those other vessels!”

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
But he was good at designing miniature golf courses.
He sketched out the plans on old maps, arranging treasure chests and sea serpents.
Every hole was marked with an X.
The last hole was an epic sea battle, with little dolls swinging on ropes and firing cannons.
“Where will you get the construction material for this?” said the captain.
Suddenly, the ship wrecked on an uncharted island.
George and the crew salvaged as much as they could.
“While guys build a shelter,” said George, “I’ll build the first hole.”

The next topic is Icing on the cake

SERENDIPIDY

I offer a range of services, from the basic ‘catch and despatch’, right through to my ‘Executive Gold’ package.
I know you might be tempted to take the cheaper options but, trust me, gold is definitely the way to go.
It’s fully inclusive: The initial execution of the subject, disposal of the body, and clean-up of the scene. Nothing to worry about; no loose ends for you to tie-up, and complete peace of mind.
Not forgetting the optional extras! But, we can discuss those once you’ve paid your deposit.
Half in cash, up front. The balance on completion.

TOM

Something New under the sun.

Historians label epoch of human development by the central material that advanced them from the previous one. Stone age Iron age Bronze age Steel age Silicon age through the Diamond age. But sometime progress ends up in the ditch. In 2337 all the fossil fuels were gone and I mean the tree to. A thick layer in the atmosphere made Solar less then optimal. People power held everything together. To get goods and products any where in the world. It was done with feet and hands, many feet and many hands. We romantically refer to this time as the Pack-age.

NORVAL JOE

Billbert got out of bed, helped Sabrina up and dragged her downstairs. In the family room he cleared some pillows, blankets, and an unopened Amazon package off the couch.
He pointed.”You can sit here.”
When she did, he sat next to her, pushed a button and raised their feet.
“Now, you can hold my hand, if you want, and there won’t be any accidents.”
“Accidents?” She asked, taking his hand and cuddling up to him, one of her squishy bits pressing against his ribs.
Billbert Froze. He thought Sabrina was only going to hold his hand. What would Linoliamanda think?

RICHARD

On its way
It’s on its way… apparently.
The tracker said, my package would arrive by Wednesday. That was two days ago, and still no delivery.
Now the website says it’ll arrive today, between ten forty-two AM and ten forty-two PM. Great, that’s only potentially twelve hours I’ll have to hang around indoors, scared to take trips to the bathroom in case I miss the damn thing arriving.
Why on earth can’t they be more precise?
I mean, they can land a probe on a comet with pinpoint accuracy, within a tiny time frame.
Why so hard, for a simple parcel?

LIZZIE

What do you do? I fight demons.
Whose? Mine and hers.
Why? Because her demons feed off of mine. Her demons eat me alive and become stronger.
Silence.
When did this start? Since the beginning, but I only noticed it a few years ago. I didn’t know I had demons. I didn’t know she had demons. I certainly didn’t know I would have to fight.
Silence.
Is that from a film? No.
Because I sent you a package with a bunch of films. It’s not from a film.
Have you been sleeping? No.
Silence.
Are you winning the fight? No.

PLANET Z

I like birds and bird feeders, so I bought a bird feeder and a freestanding hook to hang it from.
Squirrels kept spilling the bird seed all over the ground.
So I bought a squirrel-proof bird feeder, and the squirrels still spilled the seed everywhere.
I kept buying different bird feeders, and squirrels kept making messes.
Package after package arrived, all disappointing.
A friend suggested I get a baffle for the hook to keep squirrels off of the pole, and it worked.
No more squirrels making a mess.
And no more birds, because it’s winter, and they’ve all flown south.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
The other pirates were okay with this, and they picked up the slack.
“We don’t succeed or fail as individuals,” said the captain. “We do everything as a team.”
So, when George accidentally fired a cannon into the hull and sank the ship, his crewmates didn’t mind at all.
“This is why we have the lifeboat,” they said as they piled in.
But when George tried to get in, they threw him overboard.
“Not that we want to take chances,” they said.
He watched them as they rowed away.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Pirate ships don’t get regular mail service, but somehow George got a letter.
“Jury duty,” George growled.
Three weeks later, George was taking off his boots and hat, and setting his swords into a plastic tub.
“Are these real?” said the security guard.
“The letter said business casual,” said George, smiling. “Otherwise I’d have brought all my daggers and flintlocks.”
The guard looked at George’s letter, entered a code in his terminal, and said “Not of sound mind, exempted.”
George gathered his stuff and went back to the ship.