The Family Podcast

Halloween is a widely celebrated holiday that involves costumes, candy, and a variety of spooky activities. However, for many Christians, the origins and themes of Halloween raise important questions. Should believers participate in a holiday with roots in paganism and associations with the occult? This question is a matter of personal conviction, but exploring biblical principles can help guide us toward a thoughtful, Christ-centered decision.

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The PursueGOD Family podcast helps you think biblically about marriage and parenting. Join Bryan and Tracy Dwyer on Wednesday mornings for new topics every week or two.

Find resources to talk about these episodes at pursueGOD.org/family.

Help others go "full circle" as a follower of Jesus through our 12-week Pursuit series.

Click here to learn more about how to use these resources at home, with a small group, or in a one-on-one discipleship relationship.

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The History of All Hallow’s Eve: The Origins of Halloween

All Hallow’s Eve, now widely known as Halloween, is a holiday with deep historical roots that stretch back centuries. Its origins lie in the blending of ancient pagan traditions with early Christian practices, resulting in a complex history that reflects the intersection of cultures, beliefs, and religious observances.

1. Ancient Celtic Festival of Samhain

The earliest origins of Halloween can be traced to the ancient Celtic festival of Samhain (pronounced "sow-in"), which was celebrated by the Celts over 2,000 years ago, primarily in what is now Ireland, the UK, and northern France. Samhain marked the end of the harvest season and the beginning of winter, which was often associated with death. The Celts believed that on the night of October 31, the boundary between the physical world and the spirit world became thin, allowing ghosts and spirits to cross over.

During Samhain, people would light bonfires and wear costumes made from animal skins to ward off wandering spirits. Offerings of food and drink were also made to appease the spirits, ensuring protection from harm during the harsh winter months.

2. The Roman Influence

As the Roman Empire expanded and conquered Celtic lands by the first century AD, the Romans brought their own festivals and beliefs, which blended with the local traditions. One such Roman festival was Feralia, a day in late October when Romans commemorated the dead. Another was Pomona, a celebration of the goddess of fruits and trees. The association of Pomona with apples likely contributed to later Halloween traditions such as bobbing for apples.

3. Christianization of Samhain: All Saints' Day

With the spread of Christianity across Europe, many pagan festivals were Christianized to align with church doctrine. In the 8th century, Pope Gregory III moved All Saints’ Day—a day to honor all Christian saints and martyrs—to November 1. This was likely an attempt to replace or overshadow Samhain, which fell on the previous day. The evening before All Saints' Day became known as All Hallows’ Eve, meaning “the evening before All Saints.” Over time, the name evolved into "Halloween."

All Saints’ Day (also called All Hallows' Day) was followed by All Souls’ Day on November 2, a day to pray for the souls of the deceased who had not yet entered heaven. Together, these days formed a trilogy of holy observances dedicated to the dead, which became deeply entwined with the older pagan traditions of honoring the dead around the same time of year.

See also: Catholics vs. Protestants 

4. Medieval and Early Modern Halloween Practices

During the medieval period in Europe, All Hallows’ Eve continued to be a time associated with the dead, though with increasing Christian influence. "Souling" was a common practice where poor people would go door-to-door on All Hallows’ Eve, offering prayers for the dead in exchange for food or money. This practice bears some resemblance to modern-day trick-or-treating, though it had a much more spiritual dimension.

During this period, superstitions and fear of evil spirits were also prominent. People believed that the dead could still roam the earth on All Hallows’ Eve, and they would light candles or carve lanterns out of turnips (predecessors to today's pumpkins) to ward off these malevolent spirits.

5. Halloween in America

Halloween as we know it began to take shape in the 19th century when Irish and Scottish immigrants brought their traditions to the United States. They celebrated Halloween with a mix of customs from Samhain and All Hallows’ Eve, including dressing up in costumes, playing pranks, and engaging in festivities that included telling ghost stories.

As these traditions merged with American culture, Halloween became more secularized, especially by the early 20th century. Communities began to focus on Halloween as a time for family-oriented fun, with costume parties, trick-or-treating, and pumpkin carving becoming central elements. The spooky aspects of Halloween, such as ghosts, witches, and skeletons, persisted, though in a more playful and commercialized form.

Back to the question…

The concern for many Christians is that Halloween continues to feature imagery and practices associated with darkness, death, and the supernatural. The Bible speaks clearly about avoiding any involvement with the occult. In Deuteronomy 18:10-12, God’s people are instructed to reject practices like witchcraft, divination, and sorcery, which are detestable to Him. Similarly, Ephesians 5:11 says, "Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them."

A Matter of the Heart

While the origins of Halloween raise valid concerns, the deeper issue for Christians is how we approach the holiday from the heart. Jesus teaches in Matthew 15:18-20 that what comes out of a person’s heart is more important than external actions or rituals. Our focus should be on honoring God in all that we do. As Colossians 3:17 instructs, "Whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him."

Some Christians view Halloween as a harmless opportunity for family fun—dressing up in non-scary costumes, enjoying fellowship, and reaching out to neighbors. Others feel convicted to avoid the holiday altogether, preferring not to engage in activities that even loosely align with pagan or occult traditions. Both perspectives are valid, as long as the motivation is to honor God and live according to personal conviction under the guidance of the Holy Spirit.

Biblical Principles for Decision-Making

When it comes to making a decision about Halloween, here are a few biblical principles that can help guide us:

Avoiding Participation in Darkness: As Christians, we are called to be light in the world (Matthew 5:14-16). This means avoiding practices and symbols that glorify evil, death, and fear. While wearing costumes or handing out candy might seem innocent, we should ask ourselves if we are inadvertently celebrating themes that are contrary to God’s Word.Freedom in Christ: Romans 14:5-6 reminds us that some believers may feel free to participate in certain activities while others may not. “One person considers one day more sacred than another; another considers every day alike. Each of them should be fully convinced in their own mind.” There is room for different convictions, as long as our motivation is to glorify God.A Witness to the World: Halloween can provide unique opportunities for evangelism and connection with the community. Instead of shutting doors and isolating ourselves, some Christians use Halloween as a way to shine the light of Christ. This might include handing out gospel tracts along with candy or hosting a "fall festival" at church as a family-friendly alternative. As 1 Peter 3:15 says, "Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have."Living in Discernment: In 1 Corinthians 10:23, Paul teaches, "Everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial. Everything is permissible, but not everything is constructive." Just because something is allowed doesn’t mean it is helpful or edifying. As we consider Halloween, we need to exercise discernment, asking whether our participation will glorify God or distract us from our walk with Him.

The Takeaway

In the end, whether or not Christians should celebrate Halloween is a matter of personal conviction. The most important thing is to seek God’s wisdom and allow the Holy Spirit to guide our choices. We must ask ourselves how our actions align with our faith and whether they help or hinder our witness for Christ.

Instead of getting caught up in debates or focusing on the external elements of Halloween, we should focus on the internal condition of our hearts. Whether we choose to participate in Halloween or abstain from it, the goal should always be to glorify God and reflect His love to the world around us.

As Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 10:31, "So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God."

Emotional intelligence (EQ) is crucial for successful relationships, including marriage. EQ is different from IQ and focuses on understanding and managing emotions, as well as understanding others. The five traits of EQ are self-awareness, self-regulation, motivation, empathy, and social skill. In this episode, Bryan and Tracy discuss the importance of EQ for a healthy marriage.

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The PursueGOD Family podcast helps you think biblically about marriage and parenting. Join Bryan and Tracy Dwyer on Wednesday mornings for new topics every week or two.

Find resources to talk about these episodes at pursueGOD.org/family.

Help others go "full circle" as a follower of Jesus through our 12-week Pursuit series.

Click here to learn more about how to use these resources at home, with a small group, or in a one-on-one discipleship relationship.

Got questions or want to leave a note? Email us at podcast@pursueGOD.org.

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In this conversation, Bryan and Tracy discuss the topic of selfishness in marriage. They explore five areas where selfish attitudes and behaviors tend to appear: finances, preferences, emotions, time, and chores. They emphasize the importance of recognizing and admitting one's own selfishness and making a commitment to be less selfish. They also discuss the need for open communication, compromise, and serving each other in order to have a healthy and thriving marriage.

Takeaways:

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The PursueGOD Family podcast helps you think biblically about marriage and parenting. Join Bryan and Tracy Dwyer on Wednesday mornings for new topics every week or two.

Find resources to talk about these episodes at pursueGOD.org/family.

Help others go "full circle" as a follower of Jesus through our 12-week Pursuit series.

Click here to learn more about how to use these resources at home, with a small group, or in a one-on-one discipleship relationship.

Got questions or want to leave a note? Email us at podcast@pursueGOD.org.

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In this conversation, Bryan and Tracy discuss the importance of understanding personality types in marriage and parenting. They focus on the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) as a framework for understanding different personality types. They explain that the purpose of understanding personality types is not to change the other person, but to gain insight into their strengths and weaknesses. They discuss the four main indicators of the MBTI: introvert vs. extrovert, sensor vs. intuitive, thinker vs. feeler, and judger vs. perceiver. They provide examples and personal anecdotes to illustrate how these indicators can impact relationships. They emphasize the importance of self-awareness and empathy in building healthy relationships.

Takeaways:

Find discussion questions to talk about this atFLEXTALK.org.

Or for a faith-based conversation, find it atpursueGOD.org.

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The PursueGOD Family podcast helps you think biblically about marriage and parenting. Join Bryan and Tracy Dwyer on Wednesday mornings for new topics every week or two.

Find resources to talk about these episodes at pursueGOD.org/family.

Help others go "full circle" as a follower of Jesus through our 12-week Pursuit series.

Click here to learn more about how to use these resources at home, with a small group, or in a one-on-one discipleship relationship.

Got questions or want to leave a note? Email us at podcast@pursueGOD.org.

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Almost every world religion offers a pathway to heaven through good works and personal efforts. Some even include a list of sacraments: Holy rituals by which a person can merit salvation. But Christianity is different. According to the Bible, there’s only one way to know if you’re good enough for God, and it has nothing to do with what you can do.

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The PursueGOD Truth podcast is the “easy button” for making disciples – whether you’re looking for resources to lead a family devotional, a small group at church, or a one-on-one mentoring relationship. Join us for new episodes every Tuesday and Friday.

Find resources to talk about these episodes at pursueGOD.org.

Help others go "full circle" as a follower of Jesus through our 12-week Pursuit series.

Click here to learn more about how to use these resources at home, with a small group, or in a one-on-one discipleship relationship.

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Before we look at what the Bible says, let’s do a quick survey of a few popular world religions…

Hinduism: Hinduism does not have a singular concept of salvation but rather multiple paths (yogas) that lead to spiritual liberation (moksha) from the cycle of birth, death, and rebirth (samsara). These paths include devotion (bhakti), knowledge (jnana), and selfless action (karma yoga), among others. Salvation is achieved when an individual realizes their true self (atman) as one with the ultimate reality (Brahman). (Liberation depends on YOU.)

Buddhism: Salvation in Buddhism is the cessation of suffering and the cycle of rebirth, achieved through the elimination of desire and ignorance. In Buddhism, the goal is to attain enlightenment (nirvana) by following the Noble Eightfold Path, which includes principles such as right understanding, right intention, right speech, right action, right livelihood, right effort, right mindfulness, and right concentration. (Nirvana depends on YOU.)

Islam: In Islam, the plan of salvation involves belief in the oneness of God (Allah) and the prophethood of Muhammad. Muslims believe in living a righteous life according to the teachings of the Quran and the Hadith (sayings of Muhammad). Salvation is achieved through faith, repentance, and good deeds, with the ultimate reward being entry into paradise. Salvation in Islam is not guaranteed solely by faith or deeds but is ultimately dependent on the mercy and judgment of Allah. Muslims strive to live a life that is pleasing to Allah and to follow the teachings of Islam in the hope of attaining salvation in the afterlife. (Paradise depends on YOU.)

(Note: similarity with Mormonism. “Saved by grace after all we can do.”) - Don’t include this in sermon!

TRANS: So what does Christianity teach? To find that answer we need to look at one more world religion: Judaism. Jesus was Jewish. Christianity came out of Judaism. Understanding the link between those two religions, and specifically the key difference between them, will give us the insight we need to answer our question today. Let’s start with the words of Jesus from his famous Sermon on the Mount:

Perfection

Matthew 5:17 (NLT) “Don’t misunderstand why I have come. I did not come to abolish the law of Moses or the writings of the prophets. No, I came to accomplish their purpose.”

When Jesus talks about “the law and the prophets” he’s referring to Judaism. Here’s Judaism in a nutshell:

In Mt 5 Jesus is basically saying: “There’s nothing wrong with the law; there’s something wrong with the people.” That’s why he said this: 

Matthew 5:20 (NLT) “But I warn you—unless your righteousness is better than the righteousness of the teachers of religious law and the Pharisees, you will never enter the Kingdom of Heaven!”

Jesus goes on in the sermon to list examples in every area of life:

Then Jesus finishes the section with this crazy statement: 

Matthew 5:48 (NLT) But you are to be perfect, even as your Father in heaven is perfect.

The Pickle

This leaves us in a pickle. God requires perfection, but people are far from it. The Apostle Paul explained this clearly in his letter to the Romans:

Romans 3:20 (NLT) For no one can ever be made right with God by doing what the law commands. The law simply shows us how sinful we are.

This is crazy: Paul used to be a Pharisee! He was one of those guys from the Sermon on the Mount that Jesus was talking about. He was trying to get to God through his own works. Here’s how Paul himself explained it:

Philippians 3:5-6 (NLT) I was circumcised when I was eight days old. I am a pure-blooded citizen of Israel and a member of the tribe of Benjamin—a real Hebrew if there ever was one! I was a member of the Pharisees, who demand the strictest obedience to the Jewish law. I was so zealous that I harshly persecuted the church. And as for righteousness, I obeyed the law without fault.

This next verse I want to use the NIV, because it helps us to calculate what Paul is trying to say:

Philippians 3:7 (NIV) But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ.

The Gift

Here’s how Paul explained the math to the Ephesians: 

Ephesians 2:8-9 (NLT) God saved you by his grace when you believed. And you can’t take credit for this; it is a gift from God. Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it.

Think about the word “gift”. How much do you pay for it? Exactly nothing. Once you pay for it, it’s no longer a gift!

Two things about a gift: 

Back to Romans for two more verses:

Romans 3:21-22 (NLT) But now God has shown us a way to be made right with him without keeping the requirements of the law…. We are made right with God by placing our faith in Jesus Christ. And this is true for everyone who believes, no matter who we are.

So the Bible’s answer to the question “How good is good enough for God?” reveals the difference between Christianity and every other religion.

We’ve been on a long journey through the gospel of Mark.  We started this in January of 2023.  Throughout Mark’s gospel, he has been building a case that Jesus is the Messiah, the Son of God.  He opened his gospel with this declaration and has spent the last 16 chapters stacking up the evidence. Today we're looking at this question: What would it take to convince you that Jesus is the Son of God?

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The PursueGOD Truth podcast is the “easy button” for making disciples – whether you’re looking for resources to lead a family devotional, a small group at church, or a one-on-one mentoring relationship. Join us for new episodes every Tuesday and Friday.

Find resources to talk about these episodes at pursueGOD.org.

Help others go "full circle" as a follower of Jesus through our 12-week Pursuit series.

Click here to learn more about how to use these resources at home, with a small group, or in a one-on-one discipleship relationship.

Got questions or want to leave a note? Email us at podcast@pursueGOD.org.

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We’ve seen testimonies:

We’ve seen teachings: 

We’ve seen his miracles: 

TRANS: But there’s one miracle that stands out above them all. It’s the final and most important piece of evidence to point us to the true identity of Jesus. Today we’re looking at the incredible resurrection of Jesus.

The resurrection is the climax of Mark’s gospel. Without the resurrection, there is no good news. Jesus’s death would simply be the most tragic case of injustice in history, with not an ounce of goodness to it. It was the resurrection that changed the minds of his disciples. It was an encounter with the risen Christ that changed them from cowardly, sniveling men who deserted him and were always arguing about who would be the greatest… to brave, faith-filled men who unashamedly proclaimed Mark 1:1 – that Jesus is the Son of God. 

NOTE: As we dig into Mark 16, we’re going to go through verse 8.  If you’re reading in your Bible, you’ll likely have a footnote that says the “earliest manuscripts stop at verse 8.”  I want to talk about that for just a moment. I want to share with you why this strengthens my confidence in the accuracy, historicity, and authority of God’s Word.  I’m going to give you some reasons why we’re choosing to stop at verse 8 today and why many Bibles still include verse 9-20. 

Mark 16:1-4 Saturday evening, when the Sabbath ended, Mary Magdalene, Mary the mother of James, and Salome went out and purchased burial spices so they could anoint Jesus’ body. 2Very early on Sunday morning, just at sunrise, they went to the tomb. 3On the way they were asking each other, “Who will roll away the stone for us from the entrance to the tomb?” 4But as they arrived, they looked up and saw that the stone, which was very large, had already been rolled aside.

They purchased burial spices. They had no expectation of an empty tomb. They expected to find a dead body. This anointing was not an attempt to preserve the body. Jews didn’t practice embalming. It was an act of love and devotion. They bought the spices at the first opportunity and made their way to the tomb at the first safe opportunity (as soon as it was daylight).  They didn’t put off showing their devotion to Jesus.  The touching of a dead body would have made them ceremonially unclean, another sacrifice they were willing to make for Jesus.  What are we willing to sacrifice for him? 

It’s powerful testimony that all of the gospels record women being the first to hear/see the good news of the resurrection.  If you were making the story up, you’d never have women be the first to confess the resurrection.  Their testimony wasn’t admissible in court. (honesty/transparency)

Who will roll the stone away? We know from Matthew’s gospel that there was an earthquake and the angel is the one who rolled the stone away and then sat on it. We also know from Matthew’s gospel that the Roman guards who had been assigned to guard the tomb shook with fear and passed out at the sight of the angel. 

Mark 16:5-7 When they entered the tomb, they saw a young man clothed in a white robe sitting on the right side. The women were shocked, 6but the angel said, “Don’t be alarmed. You are looking for Jesus of Nazareth,[b] who was crucified. He isn’t here! He is risen from the dead! Look, this is where they laid his body. 7Now go and tell his disciples, including Peter, that Jesus is going ahead of you to Galilee. You will see him there, just as he told you before he died.”

He is risen. Resurrection vs. resuscitation.  Jesus is the first to be resurrected.  There were resuscitations in the Bible prior to Jesus - Elijah raised the son of the widow from Zarephath back from the dead, Elisha raised the Shunammite’s son, Jairus’ daughter, Lazareth - but all these would die again.  Jesus didn’t resuscitate, he resurrected.  He came back to life never to die again.  Jesus was the first to do this.  This had never before been seen in history.  

Look The angel challenged the women to see for themselves that the body was not there - “Look, this is where they laid his body.”  God is always willing to prove himself to anyone who’s willing to seek. But he won’t force you to go looking. You’re listening today; are you willing to really look into Jesus? 

Including Peter. The women are specifically told to communicate the news to Peter.  Had he withdrawn because of his shame at denying Jesus three times?  Had the other disciples ostracized him because he had failed in the moment after being so adamant that he would die with Jesus? He was supposed to be the rock, but had crumbled like a cookie. The last interaction Peter had with Jesus was looking into his eyes after he had denied him three times.  How miserable these past days have been.  He probably no longer considered himself a disciple because of his denial.  He was too ashamed to be counted among his followers.  This is why the personal invitation is so important. Jesus extends that same personal invitation to you today. 

You will see him in Galilee. The women are commanded to go and tell the Good News that Jesus is risen. The women went to the tomb looking for closure; they got anything but closure! Now they would be on mission again with Jesus, meeting him in Galilee - the place where he first called his disciples. The place that represented the whole world, not just the Jews!

Mark 16:8 the women fled from the tomb, trembling and bewildered, and they said nothing to anyone because they were too frightened.

What a way to end Mark’s gospel! Five admissions of the women’s weakness:

Not surprising. After all, we’ve learned throughout this gospel two simple truths over and over: people are broken; Jesus can fix us.

So the women fled, broken but convinced. How could they not be? They just heard that Jesus performed his ultimate miracle: he was raised from the dead. Their lives would never be the same.

Back to the question for today: 

Q: What would it take to convince you that Jesus is the Son of God? 

Mark’s gospel lays out all the proof we need. The testimonies. The teachings. The miracles. And now this: the resurrection.

What we think about Jesus and how we respond to that is the most important thing about us.  It is what determines where we spend eternity.

Today we’re looking at the famous story of Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane. It’ll give us some insight into our question for the day: How should you pray in your hour of need?

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The PursueGOD Truth podcast is the “easy button” for making disciples – whether you’re looking for resources to lead a family devotional, a small group at church, or a one-on-one mentoring relationship. Join us for new episodes every Tuesday and Friday.

Find resources to talk about these episodes at pursueGOD.org.

Help others go "full circle" as a follower of Jesus through our 12-week Pursuit series.

Click here to learn more about how to use these resources at home, with a small group, or in a one-on-one discipleship relationship.

Got questions or want to leave a note? Email us at podcast@pursueGOD.org.

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Today we’re looking at the famous story of Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane. He’s moments away from his betrayal and death, and he knows it. His actions – and by contrast his disciples’ actions – give us some insight into our question for the day:

Q. How should you pray in your hour of need?

Personal example:

Let’s go to the text…

Mark 14:32-34 (NLT) They went to the olive grove called Gethsemane, and Jesus said, “Sit here while I go and pray.” He took Peter, James, and John with him, and he became deeply troubled and distressed. He told them, “My soul is crushed with grief to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.”

“Stay here and keep watch with me”

But here’s the most interesting part:

“he became deeply troubled and distressed” and “My soul is crushed with grief to the point of death”

Here’s what was happening: the picture of Jesus at Gethsemane shows us the human side of Christ. 

And here’s why it was crushing: not because Jesus was afraid to die, but because he would have to absorb the wrath of God for our sake. 

Let’s read on to hear his actual prayer:      

Mark 14:35-36 (NLT) He went on a little farther and fell to the ground. He prayed that, if it were possible, the awful hour awaiting him might pass him by. “Abba, Father,” he cried out, “everything is possible for you. Please take this cup of suffering away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine.”

“If it were possible” – maybe there’s another way, an “out”, a pathway that avoids suffering

“Everything is possible for you…Please take this cup of suffering away from me.” 

In the most human moment in Jesus’ life – in the Garden of Gethsemane – he says the thing that’s hardest for a human to say: “not my will, but yours be done.” 

“Abba, Father” - look at the personal language. “Daddy”

But look at how hard that is for us: 

Mark 14:37-38 (NLT) Then he returned and found the disciples asleep. He said to Peter, “Simon, are you asleep? Couldn’t you watch with me even one hour? Keep watch and pray, so that you will not give in to temptation. For the spirit is willing, but the body is weak.”

Observations: This all occurs at a very late hour. Sleep is understandable given the hour, the stress of the day, etc. Yet they had an assignment, which they could have fulfilled.

Mark 14:39-40 (NLT) Then Jesus left them again and prayed the same prayer as before. When he returned to them again, he found them sleeping, for they couldn’t keep their eyes open. And they didn’t know what to say.

Interesting: the same prayer as before. Let’s spell it out: ““Everything is possible for you. Please take this cup of suffering away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine.”

Mark 14:41-42 (NLT) When he returned to them the third time, he said, “Go ahead and sleep. Have your rest. But no—the time has come. The Son of Man is betrayed into the hands of sinners. Up, let’s be going. Look, my betrayer is here!”

NIV: “Are you still sleeping and resting? Enough! The hour has come.”

Look at the incredible contrast: Jesus is in anguish; his disciples are snoring! And then the climax: “The Son of Man is betrayed into the hands of sinners.”

“Up, let’s be going”

Close:

Q. How should you pray in your hour of need?

Today we’re joined again by Josh and Katie Walters, authors of the new book New Marriage, Same Couple. In today’s episode we talk through chapters 11-13 in the book as we wrap up our series and cover the “Y” in the STAY acronym: yield to vision.

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The PursueGOD Family podcast helps you think biblically about marriage and parenting. Join Bryan and Tracy Dwyer on Wednesday mornings for new topics every week or two.

Find resources to talk about these episodes at pursueGOD.org/family.

Help others go "full circle" as a follower of Jesus through our 12-week Pursuit series.

Click here to learn more about how to use these resources at home, with a small group, or in a one-on-one discipleship relationship.

Got questions or want to leave a note? Email us at podcast@pursueGOD.org.

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Today we’re joined again by Josh and Katie Walters, authors of the new book New Marriage, Same Couple. In today’s episode we talk through chapters 8, 9, and 10 in the book as we cover the “A” in the STAY acronym: allow others to be a part of your story. 

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The PursueGOD Family podcast helps you think biblically about marriage and parenting. Join Bryan and Tracy Dwyer on Wednesday mornings for new topics every week or two.

Find resources to talk about these episodes at pursueGOD.org/family.

Help others go "full circle" as a follower of Jesus through our 12-week Pursuit series.

Click here to learn more about how to use these resources at home, with a small group, or in a one-on-one discipleship relationship.

Got questions or want to leave a note? Email us at podcast@pursueGOD.org.

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Today we’re joined again by Josh and Katie Walters, authors of the new book New Marriage, Same Couple. In today’s episode we talk through chapters 5-7 in the book as we cover the “T” in the STAY acronym: take quitting off the table.

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The PursueGOD Family podcast helps you think biblically about marriage and parenting. Join Bryan and Tracy Dwyer on Wednesday mornings for new topics every week or two.

Find resources to talk about these episodes at pursueGOD.org/family.

Help others go "full circle" as a follower of Jesus through our 12-week Pursuit series.

Click here to learn more about how to use these resources at home, with a small group, or in a one-on-one discipleship relationship.

Got questions or want to leave a note? Email us at podcast@pursueGOD.org.

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Mentioned in this episode:

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Today we're talking with Josh and Katie Walters about their recently released book, "New Marriage, Same Couple". In this episode, we explore aspects of forgiveness, the power of worship, blame shifting, and more!

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The PursueGOD Family podcast helps you think biblically about marriage and parenting. Join Bryan and Tracy Dwyer on Wednesday mornings for new topics every week or two.

Find resources to talk about these episodes at pursueGOD.org/family.

Help others go "full circle" as a follower of Jesus through our 12-week Pursuit series.

Click here to learn more about how to use these resources at home, with a small group, or in a one-on-one discipleship relationship.

Got questions or want to leave a note? Email us at podcast@pursueGOD.org.

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Summary

In this conversation, Josh and Katie Walters share their personal story of overcoming infidelity and rebuilding their marriage. They discuss the importance of starting with oneself and taking responsibility for one's actions and emotions. They emphasize the role of forgiveness in the healing process and the transformative power of worship. The conversation provides practical tips for finding worship music that can help in the journey of rebuilding a marriage. In this conversation, Katie and Josh Walters discuss their journey of rebuilding their marriage after infidelity. They emphasize the importance of choosing a posture of love and humility, feeding their souls with things that honor God, and seeing their situation with different eyes. They also share their experience with confession therapy, where they brought their hidden thoughts, desires, and emotions to the light, leading to intimacy and healing. The conversation concludes with a discussion on the importance of using resources like workbooks and processing with others, as well as the significance of taking quitting off the table in a marriage.

Takeaways

Choose a posture of love and humility in your marriage, focusing on the good in your spouse rather than dwelling on their faults.

Practice confession therapy by bringing your hidden thoughts, desires, and emotions to the light, fostering intimacy and healing in your relationship.

Utilize resources like workbooks and process the content with your spouse or a trusted couple to personalize and deepen your understanding.

Commit to taking quitting off the table in your marriage, vowing to work through challenges and believing that your best days are ahead.

Chapters

00:00 Introduction to the book and the couple's story

03:00 The devastating season and the confession

06:27 The hope for struggling couples

08:09 The four principles of rebuilding a marriage

09:29 Principle 1: Start with me

17:39 The importance of forgiveness

23:18 The role of worship in transformation

34:07 Practical tips for finding worship music

43:04 Choosing a Posture of Love and Humility

45:20 Confession Therapy: Starting with Me

51:43 Using the Workbook and Processing with Others

52:22 Taking Quitting Off the Table

Today we’re joined by Josh and Katie Walters, authors of the new book New Marriage, Same Couple. In today’s episode we get a sneak peek into the book and their amazing story that led to its writing. "For better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health." We say those words and mean them. Until we don't. This is a book about creating a different, better, new kind of marriage with the exact same person—no matter how dire the circumstances—with vision, commitment, and hope in the Lord.

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The PursueGOD Family podcast helps you think biblically about marriage and parenting. Join Bryan and Tracy Dwyer on Wednesday mornings for new topics every week or two.

Find resources to talk about these episodes at pursueGOD.org/family.

Help others go "full circle" as a follower of Jesus through our 12-week Pursuit series.

Click here to learn more about how to use these resources at home, with a small group, or in a one-on-one discipleship relationship.

Got questions or want to leave a note? Email us at podcast@pursueGOD.org.

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Parents are called to create an environment of love for their kids – even when they’re teens! But how the heck do you pull it off? In this episode we share 8 helpful tips.

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The PursueGOD Family podcast helps you think biblically about marriage and parenting. Join Bryan and Tracy Dwyer on Wednesday mornings for new topics every week or two.

Find resources to talk about these episodes at pursueGOD.org/family.

Help others go "full circle" as a follower of Jesus through our 12-week Pursuit series.

Click here to learn more about how to use these resources at home, with a small group, or in a one-on-one discipleship relationship.

Got questions or want to leave a note? Email us at podcast@pursueGOD.org.

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Parents are called to create an environment of love for their kids – even when they’re teens! But how the heck do you pull it off? Here are 8 tips:

1. Communicate openly: Encourage your teenagers to express their thoughts and feelings. Listen actively, without judgment, and create a safe and non-critical space for them to share. 

2. Be empathetic: Try to understand their perspective, even if you don't agree with it. Empathizing with their emotions and experiences helps build trust and a strong emotional connection.

3. Respect their autonomy: Adolescents are seeking independence and control over their lives. Give them opportunities to make decisions, and let them learn from their choices, even if it means making mistakes. Related: The Fundamental Law of Parenting

4. Set clear boundaries: While respecting their autonomy, establish clear rules and expectations. Boundaries provide a sense of security and structure, helping teenagers understand limits and consequences. Related: Boundaries (Series)

5. Be a role model: Adolescents often learn by observing their parents or caregivers. Be the kind of person you want your teenagers to become, demonstrating values like kindness, responsibility, and respect.

6. Encourage their interests: Support your teens in pursuing their hobbies and passions. Show interest in their activities and provide resources or opportunities to help them develop their skills and talents.

7. Offer guidance, not lectures: Instead of lecturing or giving constant advice, ask open-ended questions to help them think critically about their choices. Encourage them to problem-solve and make informed decisions.

8. Show unconditional love: Let your teenagers know that you love them even when you disagree with their choices. When discipline is required, do it in love. Related: Discipline with Love

Remember that each teenager is unique, and what works for one may not work for another. Flexibility and adaptability in your approach are key. Keep Proverbs 22:6 in mind when it comes to Christian parenting: Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it. Most importantly, point them to Jesus. 

Discussion:

1. What's the most challenging thing about raising teenagers? Give an example.

2. Do you have any "house rules" that you think work well in keeping the peace and ensuring your teenagers stay on track?

3. Teenagers often make choices that make us scratch our heads. How do you deal with situations where you disagree with your teen's choices?

4. How do you navigate the whole tech and social media scene with your teenagers? What grade would you give yourself on it?

5. What's your go-to activity for bonding with your teenagers? What do you like to do to hang out and connect with them?

6. Read Proverbs 22:6. How does this make Christian parenting different from secular parenting?

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Your teenager doesn't have a normal brain... not yet, at least! And that will affect how you parent them. In today's episode we give four more tips to help parents survive the teenage years.

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Being a parent of teens is so challenging. It can feel like a constant game of chess. Teenagers have stronger opinions and peers who influence them so it can get complicated quickly. But parents, we have to be brave. Our teens may think they’re smarter and wiser than we are, but they are still kids. We still have to parent our teens and teach them what’s right and wrong. They may not like us for it all the time but that can’t dissuade us from finishing the job.

One of the most common mistakes parents of teens make is trying to be more of  a friend than a disciplinarian. There is a place for a friendship to grow but that’s not our primary role quite yet. This idea is really rooted more in fear than anything else. Many parents are “afraid” to lose their teens so they give in to make them happy. Others compensate for their own childhood woes with controlling parents and think the opposite is the answer. Either way, we still have to lead our kids whether they like it or not. Parents that end up surviving the teen years do it from a place of confidence. You know where you’re leading your teen toward so take charge and blaze the path.

There are a few principles that can help you to do just that. It’s what we’ll focus on today and it’s what the PG resources help you to do.

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John Gottman is a renowned relationship expert who has studied many couples in his love lab. He boasts of his ability to predict with 91% accuracy those who stay married and those that end in divorce by observing how couples communicate and interact with one another.

A couple’s ability to communicate is obviously foundational to a healthy  marriage. Gottman would say there are 4 communication styles that often lead to the end of marriage because of the damage it inflicts on couples.

Today's topic is for parents of kids of teens out there who are frustrated. They feel like they're not sure if they're doing a great job. There's a lot of conflict with their teens or even with their kids. We're going to talk today about the failing power tools of parenting. This comes from Paul David Tripp's book called Parenting, 14 Gospel Principles that can radically change your family.

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Last week we talked about how reconciliation is possible if both spouses are willing to work hard and fight for a healthy marriage. We also said that both spouses have different roles to play. 

Today we’re addressing the spouse who has discovered their spouse has cheated. Even though you may feel hopeless right now, there is a way forward. You can have a future where you trust your spouse again. Today we will talk about some key steps you need to take to be open to that hopeful future.

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If you've had an affair, it's not too late to change course and save your marriage. Incorporate these five steps to help you think clearly about the direction you should go.

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If you found out that your spouse is having an affair, it may feel like all hope is lost but that doesn’t have to be true. Your marriage can be saved, and even strengthened, if you’re both willing to work hard and forgive.

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We all have that friend who wants to dominate our time or the friend who never initiates plans. It’s frustrating if you don’t have the right expectations and boundaries in place. Today we’re going to describe 4 common dynamics that happen in friendships and how a lack of proper boundaries can lead to hurt and frustration.

Compliant - compliant “Whatever you want”

We’ve discussed the compliant personality in other episodes. Two compliant friends likely leads to inauthentic friendship. Here’s why. Neither person is honest about their true feelings for fear of hurting the other person. So both say “yes” to plans they don’t want to do. Both end up feeling resentful of the other because they’re doing things they don’t want to do.

How do you draw a boundary in this dynamic? Speak up. Be honest when you said yes but meant no. Invite your friend to be honest, too. Make a commitment to not commit to a request for 24 hrs and make sure you really want to do something. If you decide you don’t, say no.

Compliant - Controlling (Aggressive) “My way or the highway”

This dynamic is the most obvious. You have the compliant just trying to keep the peace and the aggressive dominating and controlling. Even though the compliant is allowing the dynamic, they internally resent it. 

How do you draw a boundary? Compliant likely needs to be the one to say “enough”. The aggressive is probably clueless because they’ve grown accustomed to getting their way in every relationship. Be clear about how you feel and why it frustrates and say you won’t give into aggressives every wish moving forward. It’s a new negotiation for a different kind of friendship. The compliant needs to take responsibility for their resentment and draw the boundary. The aggressive needs to respect the boundary. 

Compliant - Controlling (Manipulative) “Help! I need you”

The manipulative controller is less obvious than the aggressive but the result is the same-it’s always their way. In this dynamic, the compliant is always rescuing or on call for the manipulative friend. The manipulator doesn’t plan ahead so they often find themselves in a bind due to their lack of planning. The compliant grows tired of being used so they create distance. 

How do you draw the boundary? Compliant needs to address it. Clearly stating how they feel used by the manipulator and that they aren’t going to be the rescuer every time. Express a desire for a give and take relationship where both serve and help the other. 

Compliant - non-responsive “I always initiate”

Compliant feels like they do all the work in the friendship. They reach out to make plans or to check in. The non-responsive never does that. Compliant feels unimportant. Non-responsive may feel overwhelmed by the compliants need for attention.

How do you draw a boundary? Both speak up. Compliant can be honest that they feel undervalued when the other never reaches out or initiates. Non-responsive may need to be honest about their ability to be the kind of friend the other needs. If expectations can’t match, stop forcing the friendship and maybe move on.

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We’re tackling a subject today that our granddads never really dealt with, our dads most likely didn’t deal with it, but it seems to be in our face and in the faces of our children on a daily basis - and that is the issue of gender. Are there two genders? Is gender just a social construct? Can I change my gender if I feel like I’m not really the gender that I was born as? These are questions that no one was even asking just a few decades ago.

The PursueGOD Men's podcast helps guys apply God's Word to their lives to become full circle followers of Jesus. Join us for a new men's episode every other Thursday.

Find resources to talk about these episodes at pursueGOD.org/men.

Learn more about "full circle" Christianity through our 12-week Pursuit series.

Click here to learn more about how to use these resources with men and boys at church.

Got questions or want to leave a note? Email us at podcast@pursueGOD.org.

We look to God and his Word in all that we do. So what does God’s Word have to say about gender? 2 Timothy 3:16 All Scripture is inspired by God and is useful to teach us what is true and to make us realize what is wrong in our lives. It corrects us when we are wrong and teaches us to do what is right. - His Word is useful. It corrects us when we’re wrong, and there are a lot of people who are wrong on this issue of gender.

In the beginning, God created them male and female. This was before the fall and God said it was very good. The differences between male and female should be celebrated, not diminished.

Genesis 1:27-28 So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them. God blessed them and said to them, “Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky and over every living creature that moves on the ground.”

God’s design, his perfect design, was two genders; male and female. This was his original, perfect plan. Both are created in the image of God. Both have immeasurable worth and value. They are of equal worth and dignity, but they are not the same. They complement one another. Eve is described as Adam’s help mate. The differences between male and female are good. They are for our benefit. They should be celebrated, not diminished.

God’s command to be fruitful and multiply could only be carried out because of the two distinct genders and their roles in procreation.

Genesis 1:31 Then God looked over all he had made, and he saw that it was very good!

When God looked over the creation earlier in the creation story, it was good at the end of each day. It wasn’t until God created humankind that it was very good! The differences between male and female are part of what made it very good!

I’m so thankful women aren’t exactly like men. I can guarantee you my kids are thankful. Their mom brings strengths to our family as a result of her femininity that I don’t have. And my wife is kind of a tomboy. That’s probably a politically incorrect term nowadays. She rides motorcycles. She’d rather wear pants than a dress. She likes shooting guns. But she still brings a nurturing, a compassion, and an empathy that I lack. I know some of that is more personality related than gender, but not all of it. Studies show that, on average, women are more nurturing than men. Women are more compassionate than men. They typically have more empathy.

Genesis 6:17-21 Look! I am about to cover the earth with a flood that will destroy every living thing that breathes. Everything on earth will die. 18 But I will confirm my covenant with you. So enter the boat—you and your wife and your sons and their wives. 19 Bring a pair of every kind of animal—a male and a female—into the boat with you to keep them alive during the flood. 20 Pairs of every kind of bird, and every kind of animal, and every kind of small animal that scurries along the ground, will come to you to be kept alive.

The flood was sort of the great reset and once again, we see the importance of male and female - Noah and his sons and their wives, male and female from each kind of animal.

The reality is if you put 50 biological men or 50 biological women on an island, regardless of what they identify as, that whole population will die out in one generation. There is no way to create offspring without the two, distinct genders being present.

Our gender is determined at conception. God has a plan and purpose for our life before we take our first breath. When we trust our feelings over what God has declared to be true, we are essentially declaring that we know better than the perfect, holy God who created us.

Psalm 139:13-16 You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. 14 Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.15You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.16 You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book.Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.

This is one of the most powerful passages in scripture to me. God has made me wonderfully complex. His workmanship is marvelous. If you’re struggling with gender identity, you need to know that God has created you wonderfully complex. He saw you before you were born. He has a purpose and a plan for your life.

Any attempt to alter how God created you is rebelling against his plan and usurping his authority. It is saying, “I know better than God does. He got it wrong!” That has to be one of the most arrogant, prideful stances we can take. Think of what that would look like if we did that in other areas of our life. God, I know you said don’t steal, but I’m pretty sure I feel like I deserve this thing and I can’t afford to buy it. God I know you said marriage was a lifelong commitment, but I don’t feel like my spouse loves me and I know you want me to be happy so I’m going to bail on my marriage.

Jeremiah 17:9 The human heart is the most deceitful of all things and desperately wicked, who really knows how bad it is?

We live in a culture that says, “Follow your heart. Do what makes you happy.” The Bible says our heart is the last thing we should be following. It is desperately wicked. It leads us astray all of the time. Your heart says you don’t feel warm and fuzzy for your spouse any more so it’s time to move on. Your heart wants to sleep with your boyfriend or girlfriend before you’re married. Your heart wants instant gratification. We have to trust in the truth of God’s Word over our own thoughts, feelings, and opinions - very definition of sin.

God not only has plans and purposes for us individually, he has distinctive roles for men and women in the church and in the home. We see different roles listed in both the OT and NT. Priests were men only. If a person would have identified as a male, would they have been qualified to be a priest? In the NT, there are different instructions to men and women.

Deuteronomy 22:5 A woman must not put on men’s clothing, and a man must not wear women’s clothing. Anyone who does this is detestable in the sight of the LORD your God.

This prohibition of altering gender is not limited to surgery or hormone blockers. Men are not to dress as women, women are not to dress as men. That doesn’t mean women can’t wear pants - It’s common in our culture for women to wear pants. Pants aren’t considered “men’s clothing” in our culture. Wouldn’t forbid a man to wear a kilt in a culture where men commonly wear kilts. It’s not women’s clothing in that culture.

Romans 1:24 So God abandoned them to do whatever shameful things their hearts desired. As a result, they did vile and degrading things with each other’s bodies. 25 They traded the truth about God for a lie. So they worshiped and served the things God created instead of the Creator himself, who is worthy of eternal praise! Amen. 26 That is why God abandoned them to their shameful desires. Even the women turned against the natural way to have sex and instead indulged in sex with each other. 27 And the men, instead of having normal sexual relations with women, burned with lust for each other. Men did shameful things with other men, and as a result of this sin, they suffered within themselves the penalty they deserved.Since they thought it foolish to acknowledge God, he abandoned them to their foolish thinking and let them do things that should never be done. 29 Their lives became full of every kind of wickedness, sin, greed, hate, envy, murder, quarreling, deception, malicious behavior, and gossip. 30 They are backstabbers, haters of God, insolent, proud, and boastful. They invent new ways of sinning, and they disobey their parents. 31 They refuse to understand, break their promises, are heartless, and have no mercy.

Love rejoices in the truth. Truth matters, and this is a topic that calls us to speak truth. We need to speak it gracefully and with compassion, but we also need to speak it unashamedly. God calls us to protect the weak and vulnerable.

1 Corinthians 13:6 It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out.

This comes from the famous “love” passage you’ve probably heard recited at a wedding ceremony. The “it” in verse 6 is love. Love rejoices in the truth. When we truly love someone, we want them to know truth. We want to speak truth.

James 1:27 Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you.

Why is this so important? In that culture, orphans and widows were the most vulnerable. We have a calling to protect the weak and vulnerable. Our children are being attacked by an agenda that is trying to destroy Biblical teaching. I don’t think it’s an overstatement to say this is an organized attack straight from the pit of hell. Our battles aren’t against flesh and blood, but against the spiritual forces, principalities, and evils of this dark world.

What’s the harm? First, the harm is it’s rebellion against God. That never ends well. There are always consequences for sin. The Bible tells us the wages of sin are death. There is also physical harm. Children who are making decisions about their bodies that are often irreversible at an age when they can’t legally drive, they can’t vote, they can’t smoke or drink alcohol and yet we’re allowing them to make these decisions.

Don’t be apathetic. Don’t be slothful like we talked about on the last episode of the podcast. Engage with your children on this issue. They’re hearing about it non-stop from culture, social media, their peers. Speak truth into their lives. Resources at pursueGod to help you.

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Every parent wants their kids to grow up to be healthy, independent adults. That doesn’t just magically happen! The work you put in during the parenting years will directly impact the health of your kids.

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Boundary markers show us where one property ends and another begins. Here’s the paradox: recognizing those markers in marriage will make for a better union, not a more disjointed one. In this lesson we talk about four major areas where healthy couples set up boundary markers.

How You Feel

Your spouse can’t control how you feel. That’s on you. You are responsible for your emotions and you have to be brave enough to articulate them to your spouse. (Law of Responsibility)

What You Expect

The Law of exposure says you need to voice your desires and needs so your spouse can get on the same page. Your spouse can’t read your mind so you have to share your expectations and be ready to compromise. 

The Work You Do

You can’t do everything for everyone, so be honest with your spouse about your limitations.

Your Time Together

You don’t have to spend all your time together. It’s okay to ask for some free time.

The Takeaway

Boundary markers show us where one property ends and another begins. Here’s the paradox: recognizing those markers in marriage will make for a better union, not a more disjointed one. It takes two people with tender, responsive hearts to make a marriage great.

https://www.pursuegod.org/boundaries-in-marriage/

Today we’re talking about setting boundaries with the in-laws. Most of us love our families and feel most comfortable with our own. When we visit our spouse’s family, we realize how different our upbringings were and just the way things were done. It can cause conflict in the marriage if we don’t have the right boundaries in place. 

Talk about it at https://www.pursuegod.org/boundaries/.

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Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend are well-known authors and psychologists who have written extensively about boundaries and personal growth. They have outlined ten laws of boundaries to help individuals establish and maintain healthy relationships. Here is a summary of those laws (Chapter 5 in their book):

Law #1: The Law of Sowing and Reaping

The Law of Sowing and Reaping states that you reap what you sow. In other words, the choices you make today will have consequences in the future. If you sow healthy boundaries today, you'll reap the benefits of those boundaries in the future. Don’t be codependent and protect people from the consequences of their choices.

Law #2: The Law of Responsibility

The Law of Responsibility states that you're responsible for your own life and well-being. This means that you're responsible for setting and maintaining your own boundaries. “Love one another, don’t be on another.” We can’t make someone else change.

Law #3: The Law of Power

The Law of Power states that you have the power to control your own life and set your own boundaries. You don't have to let others control you or dictate your choices.

Law #4: The Law of Respect

The Law of Respect states that you should respect the boundaries of others, just as you want them to respect your boundaries. This means that you should be mindful of other people's needs and feelings when setting your own boundaries.

Law #5: The Law of Motivation

The Law of Motivation states that your boundaries should be motivated by love, not fear or anger. When you set boundaries out of fear or anger, they're less likely to be effective in the long run. Can’t be motivated by fear of rejection or hurting someone’s feelings with your boundaries. “Freedom first. Service second”. Some people give and give trying to stay in the good graces of others. It just doesn’t work over time. You grow resentful.

Law #6: The Law of Evaluation

The Law of Evaluation states that you should regularly evaluate your boundaries to make sure they're still serving you. Boundaries should be flexible and adaptable, not rigid and unchanging.

Law #7: The Law of Proactivity

The Law of Proactivity states that you should be proactive in setting your own boundaries, rather than waiting for others to set them for you. This means taking ownership of your life and being assertive when necessary.

Law #8: The Law of Envy

The Law of Envy states that you shouldn't compare yourself to others or envy their boundaries. Everyone's situation is unique, and what works for someone else may not work for you. Rather than wasting energy on wishing you had what someone else has, be proactive and make the changes necessary to have those things. 

Law #9: The Law of Activity

The Law of Activity states that you should be actively working to establish and maintain your boundaries. Boundaries require effort and attention to be effective.

Law #10: The Law of Exposure

The Law of Exposure states that you should be open and honest about your boundaries with others. This means communicating your needs and expectations clearly and respectfully.

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Today Jason and Lacie Doman share their story. At 19, Jason went to London to tell people about Mormonism. After he came home, he struggled to maintain his LDS faith. Until one day he attended a Christian church and heard a life-changing truth: Jesus is God. Suddenly everything made sense, and he went all-in for biblical Christianity. Now he's the youth pastor of one of the largest churches in Utah.

Boundaries play a vital role in our lives, defining the limits of our identity and creating a sense of ownership. In this episode we explore the significance of boundaries as discussed in the book "Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition" by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. From the different types of boundary conflicts to the stages of boundary development, we will delve into the intricacies of this crucial aspect of our relationships and personal growth.

In today's episode Bryan and Tracy discuss "vulnerable narcissism" - a sense of superiority and inflated self importance in order to hide deep wounds of inferiority and fear of rejection. Like an addict, narcissists feed on the supply of affirmation and attention to feed their ego. When that ego is threatened, narcissists go on the attack in order to protect themselves from being “found out” or faced with the reality they fear most-they aren’t good enough.

Click here for the Boundaries series.

Five Things about Vulnerable Narcissism: 

Core Features: Vulnerable narcissism is characterized by a combination of narcissistic traits and a tendency towards vulnerability and insecurity. Individuals with vulnerable narcissism may display self-centeredness, entitlement, and a constant need for validation and admiration, while also experiencing significant self-doubt, hypersensitivity to criticism, and feelings of shame or inadequacy.Mask of Fragility: Vulnerable narcissists often present themselves as fragile and sensitive individuals who require special attention and care. They may appear modest or self-effacing on the surface, but underneath, they harbor a deep-seated need for constant affirmation and reassurance. This mask of fragility can be manipulative, as it elicits sympathy and support from others while maintaining a sense of superiority.Avoidant Coping:Vulnerable narcissists employ various coping mechanisms to protect their fragile self-esteem. They may engage in avoidance strategies such as social withdrawal, passive-aggressive behavior, or excessive fantasizing to shield themselves from potential threats to their self-image. These individuals may struggle with criticism or failure, often perceiving them as personal attacks rather than opportunities for growth.Covert Grandiosity:Unlike the overt grandiosity commonly associated with classic or grandiose narcissism, vulnerable narcissists manifest their grandiose fantasies and desires in a more covert manner. They may engage in daydreaming, idealizing others, or seeking special treatment while downplaying their own accomplishments or achievements. This covert grandiosity serves to preserve their fragile self-esteem and maintain a sense of superiority without drawing attention to themselves.Relationship Dynamics: In interpersonal relationships, vulnerable narcissists often seek out individuals who can provide them with the constant validation they crave. They may become dependent on others for emotional support and have difficulty empathizing with their partner's needs. This can lead to a cycle of idealization and devaluation, as vulnerable narcissists oscillate between adoration and resentment when their expectations are not met. Ultimately, these relationship dynamics can be challenging and emotionally draining for both parties involved.

Join Bryan and Tracy in this frank conversation about dealing with weird sexual thoughts, a topic covered in the student section of pursueGOD.org (click here for student topic). While it may be uncomfortable, it's crucial for parents to have this conversation with their children. They discuss personal experiences and the importance of creating a safe space for kids to discuss their thoughts without judgment or panic. The podcast also highlights three key talking points for parents: letting God's truth define their children, taking wrong thoughts captive and aligning them with Jesus, and encouraging regular Bible reading to counter societal influences. The episode emphasizes the need for parents to equip themselves with a biblical worldview on gender and sexuality before addressing these topics with their kids. Tune in to gain insights on how to navigate these conversations with love and clarity.

Every kid – even the most challenging ones – need and deserve affirmation.

The Power of Words 

Talking Points:

God the Father spoke publicly about the Son twice in the gospel of Matthew. Both times it was to affirm him.

If the perfect Son of God received words of affirmation from his Father, how much more do our imperfect kids need affirmation from their parents? Ephesians 6:4, Proverbs 16:24, Ephesians 4:32

Every kid – even the most challenging ones – need and deserve affirmation.

In our last principle, we learned about the importance of loving discipline. But we need to be careful that we don’t stay constantly in the state of correction with our kids. They need positive interactions as well. They need to hear affirming things about who they are. As parents, we need to pull ourselves out of “critical” mode focusing only on the things we want to change in our kids and spend time celebrating how God created them as special, unique  humans who sometimes drive us crazy!

Remember the 3 B's:

Q5. What does it look like for you to be intentional with affirmation moving forward? Identify three unique traits for each of your kids that you will work to affirm more.

Use the 3 T's of Praise:

Q8. Are you familiar with the 5 love languages? What would you guess is your kid’s language? How can knowing their language help you to love them more?

There’s an ancient parenting paradox: those who love their children care enough to discipline them.Proverbs 13:24

Proverbs 13:24 says “Those who spare the rod of discipline hate their children. Those who love their children care enough to discipline them.

Contrary to popular opinion, there is such a thing as right and wrong. It’s the parent’s job to teach this in the home.Proverbs 22:6, 2 Timothy 3:16-17

Proverbs 22:6 Direct your children onto the right path, and when they are older, they will not leave it.

2 Timothy 3:16-17All Scripture is inspired by God and is useful to teach us what is true and to make us realize what is wrong in our lives. It corrects us when we are wrong and teaches us to do what is right. 17God uses it to prepare and equip his people to do every good work.

Parents have a responsibility to train and to teach. Contrary to our culture, there is such a thing as right and wrong and parents need to teach their kids what those things are. But the manner in which we teach and train matters.

Parenting Principle

That’s why our second Parenting Principle is: discipline with love. 

The 3 C’s of loving discipline:

If you want to lead your kids to the promised land, follow the timeless advice of Moses to parents and grandparents. The first principle is simple: put God first.

Parenting Principle

Parenting is like everything else in life: if you put God first, the rest of it falls into place. That’s why our first Parenting Principle is: put God first. 

Before you can teach your kids about God, you need to know Him yourself. Where does God fall in your list of priorities?

Deuteronomy 5:7-21,33 7“You must not have any other god but me. 8“You must not make for yourself an idol of any kind, or an image of anything in the heavens or on the earth or in the sea. 9You must not bow down to them or worship them, for I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God who will not tolerate your affection for any other gods. I lay the sins of the parents upon their children; the entire family is affected—even children in the third and fourth generations of those who reject me. 10But I lavish unfailing love for a thousand generations on those[b] who love me and obey my commands. 

What “idols” do you have?

What drives us to spend so much time and money on sports? Is it for our own egos? What about that recreational vehicle or costly trips? Do we justify that over God because “we deserve it”

The fifth commandment

The command to obey applies to both parents and kids: parents obey God and kids obey parents. The fifth commandment (honor your parents) serves as a bridge between the “love God” and “love people” commandments. 

No god but meNo idolsDon’t misuse God’s nameObserve the Sabbath

16 “Honor your father and mother, as the Lord your God commanded you.    Then you will live a long, full life in the land the Lord your God is giving you. 

Don’t murderDon’t commit adulteryDon’t stealDon’t testify falselyDon’t covet

Are you modeling obedience to God in your own life? Do your kids see you living according to a biblical worldview? If you model a heart of obedience to God, your kids will learn to have a heart of obedience, too. First to your rules but as they grow older, to God’s rules.

Deuteronomy 6:1-3, “These are the commands, decrees, and regulations that the Lord your God commanded me to teach you. You must obey them in the land you are about to enter and occupy, 2and you and your children and grandchildren must fear the Lord your God as long as you live. If you obey all his decrees and commands, you will enjoy a long life. 3Listen closely, Israel, and be careful to obey. Then all will go well with you, and you will have many children in the land flowing with milk and honey, just as the Lord, the God of your ancestors, promised you.

Ephesians 6:1-3 Children, obey your parents because you belong to the Lord,[a] for this is the right thing to do. 2“Honor your father and mother.” This is the first commandment with a promise: 3If you honor your father and mother, “things will go well for you, and you will have a long life on the earth.”

Every part of our lives

Wholehearted obedience should impact every part of our lives – both personally and as a family unit. Learn to practice spiritual disciplines like prayer, Bible reading, and family time. 

Show Notes

Love and trust are great, but without the practical skill of good communication, your marriage might not go the distance.

Healthy Couples Fight Right

Healthy couples keep talking, even when it leads to conflict. Fighting is good and helpful if you do it the right way. 

Ephesians 4:29 Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them.

The goal isn’t to never fight. In fact when couples say that, alarm bells go off for me. Passion brings emotions. Investing in your marriage means  engaging with each other in real ways. 

Fighting for something means you care about it.

Fight Languages

Avoid the three unhealthy “Fight Languages”: escalation, withdrawal, and invalidation. These habits become the issues that derail you from talking about the issue you’re trying to solve.

Healthy Skills for communication

Healthy communicators use “I feel…because” statements instead of pointing fingers at their spouse. Learn to be an active listener and work together to find solutions.

If you want a life-long marriage, trust is essential. It's not something that can be freely given, but must be earned every day. Learn how forgiveness and hard work can help build and restore trust in your marriage.

Shownotes:

Three pillars of a great marriage. 

Choosing love (pillar 1) will lead to a life-long marriage, but it'll feel like bondage without a daily commitment to the second pillar: earning trust.

We all have examples of people who we can’t trust.

It’s even more devastating when it happens in marriage. The person who is supposed to love you the most has betrayed you in some way. In order to really understand the importance of trust, let’s begin with a definition.

Defining Trust

Trust is relying on the integrity or ability of another person. Your ability to truly trust someone is based on their character, not yours. 

Trust is often misunderstood. Trust can be a “you” issue (if you have a history of abuse/abandonment you may be untrusting even if someone has proven to be trustworthy). Usually, though, trust is about the other person, their character.

The mistake people make is giving away trust without making sure the other person is trustworthy. That’s why the emphasis is on the character of the other person.

Trust is paramount to a healthy marriage. Healthy couples understand that trust is an ongoing endeavor. That’s why our second principle is this

Trust Is Earned

Trust is earned, not freely given. That’s why every spouse needs to work hard to earn trust from their spouse everyday. 

Think about trust like a bank account. How does it work with money? Deposits build up our account. Withdrawals deplete it. Same with trust. Every word, action either builds trust (deposits) or depletes it.

Characteristics of Trust

Measurable

Good news. You can measure if trust is working in your relationship and there are concrete things you can do to earn it back when it’s lost.

Measurable part is important to unpack. Here are some examples of measurable things that can be done to earn more trust.

All of those things are measurable actions that your spouse can say “You’re doing those things! I can trust you more” or “You aren’t doing those things so I still don’t trust you.”

Building trust happens slowly over time, like building up a savings account.

Trust is reactive… We’ve already talked about the reactive part. Give trust as someone earns it. 

Trust vs Forgiveness

Trust is reactive, but forgiveness is proactive. Extending forgiveness opens the door to restoring broken trust. 

The first pillar for a healthy, lifelong marriage is to choose love. If you're working from a faulty definition of love, your marriage won’t go the distance.

Stats on Marriage and Divorce:

Love in Pop Culture

Modern culture depicts love as a feeling that comes and goes. Many couples use this unrealistic standard to measure the quality of love in their marriage. 

According to the 2019 Survey of U.S. adults, the most common reasons to get married are:

Examples in popular culture:

The Principle: Love is a Choice

The Bible paints a different picture for marital love: Love is a choice, not just a feeling. 

Love is based on a promise and is represented by our marriage vows. Mark 10:2-9, Proverbs 20:25

The 5 Love Languages: The point is to choose to speak your spouse’s language!

Words of affirmation: Physical touch: Acts of service:Gift giving: Quality time:

The Ultimate Analogy

The ultimate analogy for love is how Christ loves his church. He gave up his life for his “bride” even though he didn’t feel like it. Ephesians 5:25-27