In this episode, your host, Leandra Costa, talks with Relationships Done Different Facilitator Anaa Abualfaraj about changing your relationship with your body.

Anaa grew up in a part of the world where relationships were taboo, and the only relationship she knew was themarriagerelationship. Everything was taboo - even showing skin was taboo - and she didn’t know how to love herself. She was born with a body, but she was never taught how to love or listen to it.

She started Access Consciousness in order to have a relationship with herself, as that was a relationship she had never had and one that she had always been searching for. Before Access Consciousness, she never knew she could have an Interesting Point of View, where nobody was right or wrong, and that she could follow her own path.  Becoming an Relationships Done Different facilitator gave her the space to explore the relationship with herself and with her body.

Growing Up in Judgment

Anaa was raised in an environment where, as a woman, you needed to be quiet, hide your skin and lower your voice. It was a constant judgment on her body. Now, in social media, there is a different type of judgment: this picture of perfection. There are certain skin tones and body types that it seems everyone aspires to have. We see this perfection in social media but when we look at ourselves and we don’t match up, we hate ourselves. It creates a separation with the self and creates so much judgment!

As a child, Anaa had a very interesting relationship with her body. Her way to comfort herself was toeat,and her way to fit in with others was toeat,and her way to quiet her voice was toeat. In 12th Grade, she was around 100 kilograms and she hated herself. It was her way to cope with everything around her. It was as if she saw her body aswrongnessand was keeping it in a cage and feeding it like an animal.

The “Aha” moment

When she started with Access Consciousness and the Relationships Done Different tools, it was like she finally let her body out of its cage. She was asking questions, but her body refused to answer or to give awareness because it had been locked up for so long and there was a lot of judgment.

The ‘Aha’ moment was when Anaa first heard Gary Douglas say, “You and your body are in a relationship together.” She realized that she couldn’t control her body:  her body had awareness by itself. She decided to discover everything that was possible with her body. 

She asked, “What do I love about carrying a weight that I love to hate? And what is the value of having this body that I’m always in constant judgment of?” She asked her body to show her how she could be in relationship with it. Essentially, she started talking to her body. There was no awareness, no answer, but she was determined. She asked what she couldbeordodifferent for her body and she started to listen. She looked at how her body felt when she ate certain things. Previously, she exercised from a judgment and hated it, but after asking her body what type of workout it enjoyed, she started walking. She tried different exercises and she experimented with the number of times she went each week. All the time, she kept asking questions and getting an awareness of what was good for her body.’

Talking to your body

The biggest shift for Anaa and her body was asking questions. The one question that she asked for months was, “What is the one thing I eat that you don’t like?” She became aware that her body reacted to gluten, so she gave it up for about two years. She doesn’t have a gluten allergy, her body just doesn’t desire gluten and she honors her body by not eating it. 

The body sometimes rebels against its person. Anaa respects everyone who is vegan/vegetarian, but when people are on a very fixed diet, the body sometimes rebels. Your lifestyle  needs to be a constant choice. Everyday you should be waking up andchoosingyour diet. It’s a conscious choice, an exploration and non-stop questioning.

The 5 Elements of Intimacy 

When you’re in a place of being unhappy with your body, start with the 5 Elements of Intimacy. They are Trust, Gratitude, Allowance, Honor and Vulnerability.

Anaa started with Vulnerability. She asked how she could be vulnerable with her body, and all this judgment came raining down. She listened to all of the judgments and didn’t try to fix them. Instead, she went to Interesting Point of View, I have this Point Of View..

Previously, whenever she looked at herself in the mirror, she always saw herself as the ugliest person in the world. She never received compliments about her body and her face. Through the Access tools, she went to how she could be with her own beauty and how she could discover what else is possible from that place. She trusted her body to choose the way it was, and she trusted herself to choose the energy.

She chose Gratitude by looking at all the places she loved about her body and having gratitude for them. Gratitude always brings more, and she started to notice other things she loved about her body. Where there is judgment there is no gratitude, but where there is gratitude there is no judgment.

Next, she started honoring her body. She asked her body what it wanted; with everything from food to coffee all the way to the type of pillowcase it desired! She asked her body about the clothes it wanted to wear and about how much skin it wanted to show. It was a constant playing with the body and putting it first.

Then, Allowance. She asked her body to show her how to be in the world. We choose these amazing bodies - the vehicle we chose to move around in the world - and without them we would not be here. So if you chose this vehicle, how can you be in Allowance with it?

Ask questions every day

When you wake up in the morning ask: What else is possible with my body? My beautiful body? Show me the magic it can be!

And everywhere you find yourself judging your body, destroy and uncreate that. We are inundated with judgment from social media and the media. What can we choose beyond all of that? And what else is possible?

Relationships Done Different

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/relationshipsdonedifferent/ 

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/RelationshipsDoneDifferent/

Website: https://www.relationshipsdonedifferent.com/ 

Book: Relationship, Are You Sure You Want One?

Guest - Anaa Abualfaraj

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/joy.by.anaa/?hl=en

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/anaa.abulfaraj

What would you have to be willing to let go of about you in order to access greater receiving? 

In this episode, your host, Leandra Costa, talks with Relationships Done Different Facilitator Ashlee Rose Jellis about learning how to love yourself by truly receiving yourself.

In Ashlee’s journey to love herself, she has been exploring the power of not taking things personally and using vulnerability to access more receiving. She has discovered an ease with herself that has filtered into every relationship she has. 

Key points from this episode’s conversation

Love yourself first

Ashlee’s life has changed significantly since using the tools of Relationships Done Different. Previously, she struggled with everything related to relationships and used to wonder when it would be over and when she would finally get it right. She took many personal-development classes and courses because she was on a path of how to love herself. She wanted to learn to love herself because she had heard everyone say, “You can’t love another before you love yourself.” It wasn’t until her first Relationships Done Different class that she actually understood what that meant.

Her world has changed in so many different ways. Before, she didn’t trust herself, and was the person in the relationship who tried to control their partner. She was constantly in her head, worrying about everything. Now she has an ease, first and foremost, with herself. And that has filtered into every relationship she is in.

Often, we focus on romantic relationships as the ‘sole purpose of our life.’ For example, you’rerightif you’re in one, and you’rewrongif you’re not in one. Relationships Done DIfferent invited Ashlee to a space of changing how she relates with everything: with her body, her business, and with money. That’s something that changed dynamically for her that she never expected!

Taking Rejection Personally

Before using these tools, Ashlee took everything personally and interpreted every form of rejection as a reflection of her worth.

Rejection is something that we believe is true. When someone rejects us - whether we are dating someone, whether it’s romantic or a friendship - we have this idea that rejection is REAL. The truth is: rejection is not real and true, and it is often a choice we make to separate from ourselves and from others. We may make it about others, but you cannot reject anything or anyone before rejecting yourself. It is this illusion that we function from to stop us from having more of ourselves.

Since diving into the topic and using the tools, Ashlee has discovered that what is underneath everything is a fear of us being too close to ourselves. It is interesting because many of us express a desire for more closeness and connection and intimacy with people, but we forget that in order to have that with others, we have to create that with ourselves first. We cannot have closeness with another without actually getting closer to ourselves. 

This scares people more than anything because we don’t have reference points for getting close to ourselves. Most people think of it in a negative way and believe that if they get too close to themselves they will discover that they are a terrible person and that there are a multitude of reasons for people not to like them. So we avoid getting close to ourselves because we have decided that there is already something wrong with us. In actuality, what is more true is that you are not willing to havethe greatness of youand to see where you are brilliant and a gift. 

Rejection is not real

What have you decided receiving yourself looks like or means? So often, we look at it in a negative way, as we don’t want to get too close, in case we discover too much.What have you decided will happen if you truly receive you?

As soon as we make our rejection from another real or true, it stops us. When we decide we’ve been rejected, we have to look for thewhy-whythey have done that,whywe have been rejected - and we start looking for rejection in everybody else.

Realize that rejection is not real or true: it is always subjective. We think that people reject us because there is something wrong with us, rather than because we can only receive another to the degree that we can receive ourselves. So, in a totally conscious world we would not need to reject, because we would not desire to reject ourselves.

Is this personal?

What if, every time you were rejected by something or someone, you asked the question:Is this actually personal?Is this about me? Or is this about them? That creates so much space and freedom. Really start looking at whether it is about you or about them.

We are not trained to receive, we are trained to reject. We are trained to separate from everything, including ourselves. For Ashlee, receiving is a willingness to be open; with no walls, no barriers, and being willing to receive all information. When we are open to receiving all information, we can also receive the awareness that maybe things are not personal and have nothing to do with us. This gets challenging as, to be willing to receive the good, the bad and the ugly, we must be willing to not make things personal or relevant. True vulnerability comes in here, because vulnerability is the way to receive more.

Have you ever noticed when you are vulnerable with someone, there is a closeness? You are receiving not only more of them, but more of yourself.

Vulnerability as a pathway to receiving

Receiving is not cognitive, but vulnerability is a way to access more receiving. On Ashlee’s path to not take things personally, she started by looking at where she could add more vulnerability into her life, and where she could go beyond being right. This can be excruciating for people because they start to receive more of themselves, and when you have decided you are bad you don’t actuallywantto receive yourself!

Would you be willing to lose the judgments of you and the person you have decided you are? Would you be willing to lose taking things personally?

What can you receive that you do not want to know you can receive? And what if you could receive that with greater ease?

Relationships Done Different

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/relationshipsdonedifferent/ 

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/RelationshipsDoneDifferent/

Website: https://www.relationshipsdonedifferent.com/ 

Book: Relationship, Are You Sure You Want One?

Guest

Ashlee Rose Jellis

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ashleerose___/

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/ashleeroseBF/

Website:         https://ashlee-rose.com/

Telegram:       https://t.me/+RMxy474iO6_mJyGn

Youtube:         https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCnCvA7ZGnrHKsATXhfLhHhQ

In this episode, your host, Leandra Costa, talks with Relationships Done Different Facilitator Dr. Imene Benzamouche about re-prioritising your relationships.

Imene grew up without a model of a joyful relationship and found herself resisting the idea of relationships. As an unmarried woman, she faced a lot of judgment in her community. Through addressing her own personal judgments, going into allowance, and rediscovering joy, she transformed not only her relationships but her entire life.

Key points from this episode’s conversation

Having Drama in Relationships

Imene’s life was dramatic before she found Relationships Done Different. She had a conflict, in that she always gave amazing advice to people and had a really good perspective on relationships, but found it difficult to follow her own advice. Whether it was with family, friends, romantic partners, or business partners, relationships were always a little bit hard. She didn’t know how to deal with people, how to be, or what she wanted.

Choosing Relationships Done Different

Relationships Done Different was one of the classes Imene resisted. She convinced herself there was no resistance, but class after class would go by without her signing up, and eventually she realized that she wasn’t choosing it. This was terrifying because she recognized she was going to have to look at where she was right and wrong in relationships. She had perspectives that she couldn’t apply to this reality according to her point of view, because she thought she was so right and at the same time believed she was so wrong.

Finally, she asked, “Okay, what would my life be like if I actually chose this?”

And she felt a sense of relief and expansiveness.

So the next class, she was there!

Melting Your Judgments

The class brought about so much change within Imene and within all her relationships. She started seeing how the relationships in different periods of her life - especially those with her parents - had affected her relationships with men and women in the present.

Facilitated by peoples’ questions in class and using the tools and the manual,  she looked at what she had hidden from herself. Her judgments on relationships melted away andshe started discovering how and what she actually wanted as her life and her relationships. Her whole life, not only her relationships, changed. 

Not choosing a relationship in a community that considers it a must

Imene faced a lot of judgment as she is from an Arab background and being unmarried at thirty is not accepted in her community.

Growing up in this landscape, she didn’t have a model of a joyful relationship and the relationships she looked at were not very appealing. When she asked herself what she actually liked in a relationship, whether she wanted kids, whether she wanted to be married, or whether she even wanted to commit or not, it didn’t sound joyful for her. Not only was she being judged, but she was also judging the relationships she was seeing.

Going to Allowance

Imene used to feel resistance to others’ point of view, because she didn’t know what she wanted and what her point of view was. As she started getting over the rightness and wrongness of being or not being married, she realized it was just choice.

When you get to the space of acknowledging that everything is just a choice and you don’t have to choose something just because it is the accepted thing to do, you can go to Allowance. 

For example, people used to pray for Imene to find a husband, and eventually she recognized that they were saying what they were saying from what they thought was a place of kindness. When you acknowledge what is true to you and you know what you want, you get to be in Allowance and can receive whatever other people say about your marital status as a kindness, without any charge or any significance.  

How to get to a place of clarity about your choices

Start using the tool of indulging! 

Take three days (or as many days as you choose), and indulge in a choice, and then take three days and indulge in the opposite of that choice. For example, Imene was not sure if she wanted to get married. She took 3 days and dived into the space of being married and what her life would be like. Then she took 3 days and indulged in the space of not being married and what that life would look like. Usually, before the end of the second three days,  you KNOW which choice to choose.

Choose a joyful life

For Imene, a choice should make you feel joyful, and the tool of indulging will help you know what is joyful for you. She went back to what makes her body joyful and it became so clear what energy she was looking for. With a joyful life, you live better, your health is better, your money flows are better, and your relationships are better. if you have the space of joy and you are creating that space of happiness, life is fun!

Easy ways to find joy

Look at what you enjoy most, what you like having in your life, and what you would miss if it was gone from your life. If you struggle to know what is joyful to you, try something simple like going for a walk, cooking, or getting in nature. 

We don’t consider choices to be easy, and we consider being in a relationship such a serious choice, to the point that we can lose the priorities that we have and the things we enjoy in life. 

What energies do you want in your life?

If you would like the energy of gratitude in your life and you’re in a relationship with someone, are you thankful they exist? Are you thankful they are choosing to be with you? Are you thankful for the joy they bring into your life?

 If you don’t have the energies you desire in your relationship, perhaps ask yourself why you’re with that person and whether or not you’re simply fulfilling society’s point of view about relationships.

You have to be the priority. 

Many people are brought up to make other people happy, and everyone ends up losing. 

When you don’t have a relationship with yourself, you unconsciously expect it from someone else but can never receive it, because you haven’t gifted it to yourself. When you gift yourself that energy, you remove the lack, and allow yourself to receive it from other people.

Create a relationship with yourself and discover what makes you tick, and take it from there.

What can you gift to yourself today that you have been expecting others to gift to you, that if you gifted to you could change your whole reality?

Relationships Done Different

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/relationshipsdonedifferent/ 

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/RelationshipsDoneDifferent/

Website: https://www.relationshipsdonedifferent.com/ 

Book: Relationship, Are You Sure You Want One?

Guest

Dr. Imene Benzamouche, Certified Facilitator of Access Consciousness, Relationship Done Different Facilitator

Dr. Imene Benzamouche’s website

Dr Imene Benzamouche’s Instagram

Dr Imene Benzamouche’s Facebook

In this episode, your host, Leandra Costa, talks with Relationships Done Different Facilitator Layal Alnajjar about Finding The Fun & Joy In Relationship.

Layal is a Relationships Done Different facilitator and creates classes in the Middle East. Layal used to struggle with relationships and found herself choosing from a space of lack and need. She believed she needed a partner to ‘complete’ her. Through honouring her relationship with herself, she has discovered how to create a life of joy and abundance.

Key points from this episode’s conversation

Living a life of total ignorance

Before Relationships Done Different, Layal lived a life of total ignorance. It was a litany of judgments, and she believed she was always wrong when it came to relationships.

The first  Access class she took was not Relationships Done Different, but Talk To The Entities!  However, with the entities and that relationship with the universe, the invitation to be a RDD facilitator became clear.

Being You Changing the World changed things for her. It clicked for her that she could be herself and that being herself was okay, and she began to seek more.

The first relationship she realized she was sucking at was the relationship with herself. She recognized that she wasn’t demanding enough of herself, and she struggled with the idea that she didn’t fit in with others. And without knowing how to fit in, she acted from the place of  wanting to show others how different she was, so they could judge her. She believed she needed to struggle. 

Now Layal doesn’t have the need to show others she is different: sheknowsshe is different. 

When choosing a relationship, where do you choose from?

Something Layal has noticed in her facilitation of Relationships Done Different, the sessions she has and the Access classes she takes, is that often people are seeking relationships out ofneed, and not out of the acknowledgment that a relationship couldcomplementtheir lives. People feel there is a lack within themselves when they are not in a relationship, and that in the eyes of society they are wrong.  They can’t enjoy their lives, even if their lives are full of excitement and joy, as there’s always this nagging feeling of lack. 

For example, there was a time when Layal used to feel like she was always the third wheel with other couples. The feeling of the third wheel was so strong that she started to think that there was something wrong with her, and that she shouldn’t go out. 

When she acknowledged that it was okay that she wasn’t in a relationship, she could create a relationship from a space of abundance and having another person as a complement to her life, instead of completing it. 

Switching from functioning from a space of need

In Layal’s first Relationships Done Different class, even before becoming a facilitator, she had an ‘ah-ha’ moment. There are so many questions that you don’t ask yourself when you are or aren’t in a relationship. And when you have those questions coming at you, it’s like eye-opening.

Creating a relationship was never in Layal’s realm of possibilities before. She felt lonely, trapped, sad, depressed and, even though her divorce was her choice, she still felt inadequate. There wasn’t an inkling of thinking that she could create, firstly, a relationship with herself. That was never on the table. She always thought people got into a relationship in order to feel complete and that relationships were the only way to feel complete. But what is ‘complete,’ really?

That’s the lack, and the need. And why would you choose lack and need?

Instead, she started acknowledging that everything she does and all the people in her life are to increase the fun and joy that she already has in her life, and that she doesn’t need a man in her life to show her what fun is. She is the creator of her life, her relationships, her fun and her money.

Finding the joy in your relationship with yourself

When you really start to create and enjoy that relationship with yourself, you’ll be able to create the relationship you’re looking for. Many aspects of your life change when you get out of the need and lack elements. Everything becomes so joyful, and the amount of pleasure we can have in being in a relationship with ourselves is unmeasurable. 

Start by honoring yourself and knowing what you really require. 

Many of us love romance, but how often do we romance ourselves? How many times do you light a candle when you’re having dinner alone? How many times do you enjoy good music and dance when you’re alone? We tend to wait and, as Layal always says in her classes, “if you’re waiting you’re wasting.” Don’t wait for the candles to be lit by someone else. Do it for yourself. 

How many times have you waited for someone else to give you the gift of your life? And how does that make any sense?

Tools to get out of the space of need and lack

How can you find that joy within your relationship with yourself? It can be by doing something that used to give you joy as a child or when you were younger. Anything, like dancing by yourself or going for a walk or giving yourself a massage! 

The first thing Layal asks every day is: “Where is my fun and joy?”  She also asks what her reality is, because often everything we use - especially in relationships - we use from the point of view of others. We look to other people and we dismiss our lives through other people’s point of view. 

When we ask what our reality is, we become more present with ourselves. It doesn’t mean other people’s realities are wrong or right, they’re just not yours. 

If you’re going to do anything, whether it’s opening a bank account or buying groceries, ask yourself: “ Would I have fun?” It’s almost like you are demanding to have fun, from every molecule of the universe. There is a saying somewhere: ‘You are what you seek.’  What if you could seek fun? What if relationships were just fun and games?

Relationships Done Different

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/relationshipsdonedifferent/ 

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/RelationshipsDoneDifferent/

Website: https://www.relationshipsdonedifferent.com/ 

Book: Relationship, Are You Sure You Want One?

Guest

Layal Alnajjar, Certified Facilitator of Access Consciousness, Relationship Done Different Facilitator

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/layal71/?hl=en

Relationships with our family members can be complicated, but what if they don’t have to be? 

In this episode, your host, Leandra Costa, talks with Relationships Done Different Facilitator Kayla Leung about how the tools can transform your relationships with your family. 

Kayla previously struggled with her family members and believed she would always be the black sheep. However, through choosing the Access tools, she has transformed her relationships and has allowance and gratitude for her family members.

Key points from this episode’s conversation

How can Relationships Done Different change your point of view on relationships?

Kayla used to avoid committed relationships and preferred short-term, non-committal ‘situationships’. Kayla is a Doctor in Psychology and specializes in family and marriage therapy. She saw many clients who complained about their relationships falling apart, which reinforced her belief that relationships would only cause trouble for her. She had an “I’m better by myself” mentality.

When Kayla gained access to the tools and read Simone’s book, “Relationship, Are You Sure You Want One?”, she had a realization that there was a space or a possibility in relationships that she had never considered. People  tend to go into the rightness or wrongness of being or not being in a relationship, but what if there is a space beyond that, where relationships can be just for fun? Even if you’re in a relationship, it doesn’t mean you have to be in it forever.

Through this awareness, Kayla became open to having and choosing relationships. 

Our first relationships are with our families

The first relationships we all go into are those with our family. Often, they can be complicated, but having peace with your family, you shouldn’t have to fight, defend, make yourselves small or fit a certain mold to meet their expectations. You shouldn’t have to fight for your individuality. 

The tools can change your family relationships

Kayla previously had terrible relationships with her family and believed she would always be the outcast, the black sheep of the family. Over time, with the tools, so much has changed.

Her parents had a difficult marriage, which influenced her points of view about relationships and marriage. She used to avoid committed relationships because she thought they would lead to future problems. When Kayla began going into allowance, she realized that their relationship didn’t belong to her, and her points of view began to change.

Many children grow up in similar situations, and feel they have to ‘choose a side.’ They tend to see one parent as the ‘victim’ and the other as the ‘villain’, and try to protect the ‘victim’ by making the ‘villain’ wrong. That becomes a part of their life story. 

Kayla realized she wasn’t choosing relationships because she was trying to avoid having the same relationship as her parents.

Choosing from Possibility

Kayla was choosing from probability, not possibility. Probability is trying to predict whether or not you will follow or copy your parents’ relationship. This is not Choice. Possibility is unpredictable and allows you to choose something different.

When Kayla started choosing for herself, she noticed that her sibling relationships began to change too. She had previously had a very difficult relationship with her older sister but when she chose the way she wanted to live and honor her family, things began to shift. 

Even if a person treats you terribly, they are still a gift, as they show you that you are strong enough to handle that treatment. You may have difficult times with someone, but when you are choosing from a space of not making them wrong, you allow them to be, while still being you.

Now, Kayla and her sister are best friends. They accepted each other’s differences and acknowledged their strengths. When you admire someone, you can no longer judge them. And when you are grateful for them, it changes everything.

You may have a person in your life that likes to control or manipulate you. Give them the allowance to act in that way, without accepting it for yourself. Remove yourself from their games and politely tell them to behave that way with someone else. Say it with a smile and don’t let them affect you. 

Stop Reacting

This may sound easier said than done, so what can you do to get yourself to this space?

When you find yourself reacting, stop for a second, and ask yourself: 

“Is this something I am not willing to choose or be? Or is it something I secretly really want to do, but I judge it so badly as wrong?” 

The thing that really makes you react is often something that you judge as wrong. Maybe you really want to do it but have decided that you can’t, because then you will be like the person you’re judging. When you go into the space of, “I can choose it, if I want to,” the judgement loses its power.

Being grateful for our families

Be grateful for your family and what they can contribute to you, as everything that we are today, they contributed to. We learn so much from our families, and they shape our world and our perceptions (whether we want to admit it or not!). Your family usually serves as the first guide for your life.

When you go into a space of anger and annoyance at a family member, ask yourself:

 “What gift are you to me that I have not been able to perceive and receive?”

Ask for advice

Often the last person anyone goes to for advice is a parent. There is so much love, hate, judgement mixed up in our familial relationships, that we don’t want to ask. However, asking people for advice actually melts so much tension! It dissolves many of the disagreements and shows you are willing to receive from them.

Whether you receive the advice or not doesn’t matter, but it’s a wonderful tool to dissolve that separation.

Give compliments

Everyone loves to hear how great they are! Acknowledge the strengths and successes of people you’re in relationships with. A little bit of acknowledgement goes a long way, and when your partner is happy, your life is greater.

Relationships Done Different

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/relationshipsdonedifferent/ 

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/RelationshipsDoneDifferent/

Website: https://www.relationshipsdonedifferent.com/ 

Book: Relationship, Are You Sure You Want One?

Guest

Instagram:https://www.instagram.com/drkayla1234/?hl=en

Facebook:https://www.facebook.com/drkaylaleung

Website:https://www.kaylaleung.com/ 

Useful Links:

Are you eternally waiting to be in an intimate relationship? Is your relationship status constantly in your background dictating your choices?

On this show, your host, Leandra Costa, talks with Relationships Done Different Facilitator, Shivam Saxena, about making the demand to no longer judge - you or anyone else - and enjoying whatever relationship status you are currently in. When Shivam stopped judging as a way to honour herself, everything became so much more ease.

What if making yourself happier was a greater choice than needing to be in a relationship?

Keys points from this episode’s conversation

Are You Living On An Autopilot Of Judgement?

How many people go about living their lives as if they are on autopilot, a little bit away, simultaneously constantly evaluating what they are doing and what they should be choosing and cannot choose, what they deserve, what they don't deserve, what they can have, what they are allowed to have, what the right age is to do things, etc. 

It's kind of like there are two of you, one is trying to live and the other one is focused on, "Am I doing it right? How much am I screwing it up?" Trying our best trying not to make mistakes. All of this is judgement.

Who Are You Really Judging?

People talk about relationship patterns. Who you are in relationship with may change, and you may change. You may think you have chosen a relationship that is entirely different this time, but then patterns emerge anyway. For Shivam, she noticed these patterns were so much about the judgements she had of herself, or how she saw herself. For example, if she saw herself as someone who was hyper, she noticed she would find people to be in relationship with who judged her as hyper and called her hyper. 

How many times do we think they are seeing something in ourselves that we need to change, when in actuality, we are the ones who have already decided there is something wrong about us? Then the relationship becomes like a project of you working on yourself; "Thank you for showing me what is wrong about me. Now I will get to work on it," rather than enjoying the relationship and having the joy of having another person in your life.

It's those places where you start to pick on each other's imperfections in relationship, rather than ask questions.

Have Allowance For Your Partner’s Judgements Of You

One tool that really helped Shivam in her relationships is the willingness to be an allowance of your partner's judgements. There is a demand in all of our worlds to have a judgement free reality, but what happens is, a lot of times people start functioning from a judgement adverse mode; judgement of being judged. When you are in a closed relationship with someone who sees you day in and day out, the expectation of them to be totally judgement free can be a burden. That is not kind to the other person. 

Shivam says that things got very easy when she stopped having the expectation that her partner couldn't judge her. It's about allowance. And, she says the funny thing was, that allowed the gratitude of him not judging her to start showing up. 

Oftentimes, we wait for the gratitude in the relationship to show up; it's there in the beginning and then it starts to go wonky and you wait for the evidence; "Is he grateful for me?"

How many choices do we make in relationships based on what the other person is making? Which is reaction. when you start really choosing what works for you, without discounting the other person or judging them, things become more ease for everyone.

It comes down to, how do you see yourself and the relationship that you have with you? 

Shivam made a choice to work on not judging. The greatest freedom she got from judging was when she realised that when she chooses judgement, she is not honouring herself. That's her not having her back. Making the choice to not judge, was a way to honour herself, because it was a commitment to herself rather than something to make others like her more. 

When you truly choose the 5 Elements of Intimacy with you, it changes how you show up in the world; which has an effect on whoever you are interacting with in relationship.

Embrace Your Current Relationship Status

What if you could embrace whatever relationship status you are currently, rather than waiting for the next relationship? How much do we let your relationship status run in our background constantly: single, it's complicated, he hasn't asked me out yet or he hasn't proposed yet? It has an impact on the choices you make.

Shivam is currently not in an intimate relationship and her advice to others is to just enjoy it. There are many aspects of not being in a relationship that you can enjoy. It could be flirting with other guys, or maybe not having to check your schedule with anyone allowing you to just fly off to anywhere without checking in with what your partner is doing.

Enjoying not being in a relationship is a choice. And it is beautiful.

For Shivam, there was an energetic shift when she realised that not being in a relationship was not an interlude, or a phase that will pass; it's not a gap period. A relationship is not a destination.

When she changed her point of view, her life started changing. What if you made the demand to enjoy it; whatever it is? "What are the infinite ways of me enjoying this, and receiving this and embracing this?"

What if making yourself happier is a greater choice than needing to be in a relationship by a certain age, or whatever your culture or society is expecting of you? It's not about filling a gap.

Whatever your relationship status is today, it's okay - even if you are waiting for a relationship. What if you just enjoyed today regardless? and embraced it?

Relationships Done Different

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Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/RelationshipsDoneDifferent/

Website: https://www.relationshipsdonedifferent.com/ 

Book: Relationship, Are You Sure You Want One?

Guest

Shivam Saxena, Certified Facilitator of Access Consciousness, Relationship Done Different Facilitator

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Do you know what you desire when it comes to being in a relationship or not? Are you willing to have your own back and support you fully in creating your own reality regardless of what other people are saying or projecting at you?

In this episode, your host, Leandra Costa, talks with Relationships Done Different Facilitator, Ryan Tee, about knowing whatyoutruly desire when it comes to relationship and tools to create that for yourself, no matter what others are saying and doing.

Ryan has been facilitating classes for many years, and one thing he has noticed again and again across the globe, is that there are so many people who don't actually desire a relationship but they think they do. And, from there, different problems show up.

Relationship is a choice. It's not a necessity.

If you like you, you know what works for you and what doesn't, and you create your own reality, regardless of what other people want you to choose or not.

Keys points from this episode’s conversation

Be Clear On What You Desire

Many years ago, Ryan was facilitating a private session, and as always, he started it off by asking the client what they would like to get out of the session. This particular client answered that she would like to have a relationship, but he could sense the heaviness in what she said, indicating it wasn't quite true. So he asked her, "Do you really want one?" and she responded "No." As he questioned her further, he asked "Who wants you to have a relationship?" and she said her Mum. 

This is an example of someone else putting pressure on you to have a relationship. And it doesn't have to be verbal. Ryan said his parents used to put pressure on him to have a relationship, but even though they don’t verbally do that anymore, whenever he sees them, he knows what they are thinking. 

The pressure could be from parents, it could be from friends, it could be from relatives and it could be from the entire society; people looking at you like someone is missing in your life.

Ryan has noticed that very often, the people who project that at you have a relationship or are in a marriage, and they are not that happy; it's like they are looking for the next victim. Maybe their parents told them to have a relationship and they did, and they see someone else not in one so they pass all the points of views they got from their parents on to that person.

Ryan says he is very clear on what he desires and what he doesn't desire. Right now he doesn't desire a relationship, and he has a happy life. So, when someone says or projects at him that he should have a relationship, he knows what his reality isThis knowing allows him to thank them for their opinion and not have it affect him; "Thank you, but no thank you." Most people, however, are not really clear in what they desire, so when someone projects at them "You should do this" or "You shouldn't do that," such as "You should get married and have children," they are more likely to be influenced and think, "Maybe that is a good idea." 

Do you know what you desire? Are you willing to have your own back and support you fully in creating your own reality regardless of what other people are saying or not saying?

Are People Just Trying To Control You?

Ryan's parents don't say their point of view about relationship out loud to him anymore because they don't feel like they can control him anymore. They now just say, "As long as you're happy," even though they still think he should be in a relationship. 

If someone keeps giving you their points of view, have a look at that. They don't do it to everyone, just certain people. How are you attracting that? How are you attracting people coming to you telling you what you should do in your life? What are you being that lets people feel like they can control you, or that they can project their points of view on you, or impose them on you?

Ryan has many friends and family members who state people keep telling them what to do or are strongly judging them for what they are doing. Ryan doesn't have that in his life. It's not that he doesn't have friends. He has friends that wouldn't do that to him. 1/ They know they cannot control him; that they would be wasting their time. 2/ If people keep trying to control you, why are you still hanging around them?  If you complain about someone trying to control you and you  still hang around that person, who is the problem?

Ryan has judgemental friends. He chooses not to see them very often. It goes back to the most important thing; do you even like yourself? If you really liked you, would you put yourself in a situation or friend circle where you get judgments constantly? It's like cultivating relationships with people who give you more of you and are kind to you. If you like you, you won't keep putting yourself in a place where people are judging you. 

Like yourself so much that you won't let anyone judge you, abuse you, or control you.

It’s Imperative To Like Yourself First

For Ryan, it’s essential to have a good relationship with yourself; whether you want a relationship with another person or not. You must at least like you. If you don't like you, you don't care about your whole life. 

Can you love someone who doesn't love themselves? It is very hard. No matter how much you try to prove to them that you love them very much, they will be like, "Nobody loves me." They will find evidence that nobody loves them; even you if you are in relationship with them.

So, you have to like you first. Then, if you find someone that likes themself and you are both willing to create a life together, that's a great relationship. 

If you like you, you know what works for you and what doesn't , and you create your own reality, regardless of what other people want you to choose or not. From this space, it's way easier to create a great relationship

Leandra suggests that if you're not sure you like you, what if each day you find one thing that you like about you? So many of us grew up without that space of learning to like ourselves. Ask, "What am I grateful for about myself?" Suddenly you will start to have that sense of you and from there you can have more of you.

On the first day of a Relationships Done Different class with Ryan, a lot of time is spent talking about liking yourself, as a lot of the time people have a resistance to it. People really have to work on it. If you are familiar with the Access Consciousness clearing statement, clear everywhere you have judgments of yourself, everywhere that you don't like you or hate you. Clearing all of that is the beginning. There is also a class available in the Access Shop which Dr. Dain Heer, the co-creator of Access Consciousness, facilitated a couple of years ago called,Truly Liking You… and Your Life.

If you keep choosing things that don't work for you, including your relationships, most likely you need to work on liking you first. Five years ago, Ryan was in a group session with Dain who asked everyone, "If you could have anything out of this session, what would it be?" Other people were asking for more ease or more joy or whatever, and when it was his turn, he said he wanted to stop his money problems. Dain’s response was, "What if it was about you liking you, so that you don't create those problems for you? I could stop that problem for you, but you will create it again. Keep it simple; you liking you."  and Ryan went, "yes! that."

He didn't receive the session that well at the time. It took about 6 months after that for him to get it. The entire session came back to him and he understood what Dain was saying. Then a lot of things changed for him.

When you put yourself first and like you, you will look after you and be the kindness you require. With that comes the relationship you desire, the money that you want, the business that you want, etc.

Leaving A Relationship

Relationship is a choice. It's not a necessity.

Ryan doesn't see any difficulty in ending a relationship. In the past he did. He used to judge himself for it. In his head he'd be like, "The other person didn't do anything wrong. If I end it I will be a terrible asshole." What if neither you nor the other person needs to be wrong and it was just a choice? - "Nothing is wrong here. I just don't desire a relationship." 

People tend to make relationship too significant, which makes getting into a relationship or ending a relationship not easy.

Now, Ryan prefers to look at it from the following analogy. Let's say you work for a company and the company pays you well and you are happy there, but one day you decide you don't want to work there anymore. The company is not wrong. Nothing is wrong, you just desire to work somewhere else, or maybe you desire to take a break from work, so you hand in your resignation letter. It's just a choice. 

Why should it suddenly become something you cannot choose when it comes to an intimate relationship? Or something where you create so much trauma and drama in your head before you end it? What if you could ask a question or talk with the other person; "I've changed so much. You've changed so much. What can we be or do from now on, changing this relationship or being with it in a different way?"

‘Needing’ A Relationship

In Asia, a lot of people who come to class feel like they need to have a relationship, especially women. A lot of them have parents that tell them, "You don't need a high education. You don't need to make too much money. You just need to get a husband." It's more of a cultural thing. As a result, they always have that little voice telling them that they just need to find a husband to take care of them. Those points of views are very dis-empowering for them. 

You can desire someone to take care of you, but you don't need that. If you make that a need, you have to make you weak and powerless and needing someone. What if you could be strong, powerful, have lots of money and do whatever you like? And, if you desire a relationship, go for it.

If you need a relationship, will you still function from choice and choose a relationship that works for you? It's more likely that you would just choose anyone who is willing to have a relationship with you; you'll just jump into it. And then you go, "What happened to my life?" With that desperate need, you go into relationship not really by choice, and not with someone you really enjoy and can create a life together. So, get over the need. A need is an invention. For people who tell Ryan, "I need that person," he tells them, "Before you met them, you never had that 'need'." It's just a point of view that you made. 

What if all need is just a point of view? or cultural programming, or pressure from parents or whoever?

Relationships Done Different

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/relationshipsdonedifferent/ 

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/RelationshipsDoneDifferent/

Website: https://www.relationshipsdonedifferent.com/ 

Book: Relationship, Are You Sure You Want One?

Guest

Ryan Tee, Certified Facilitator of Access Consciousness, Relationship Done Different Facilitator

Ryan Tee’s YouTube

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Ryan Tee’s Facebook

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Do you believe that break ups have to be dramatic? Or is there actually another possibility?

In this episode, your host, Leandra Costa, talks with Relationships Done Different Facilitator, Dr. Imene Benzamouche, about tools that have assisted her to navigate relationship break ups with ease.

Growing up, Imene did her own kind of havoc in relationships, until she found the Access tools. Now she has way more ease and a joy in what she is choosing in relationships. What if you too could benefit from these tools?

What if breaking up could actually be fun and ease?

Keys points from this episode’s conversation

Acknowledge That You Can Handle A Break Up

Before Imene's divorce, it was drama and trauma and depression and losing herself. That wasn't fun. She realised relationship was something she was good at; or breaking them up. 

When she started using Access Consciousness tools, she didn't use them for relationships at first because of her belief that she sucked at relationship; she thought nothing was going to change that. But then when she started taking Relationship Done Different classes and using the tools, breakups became way easier for her, because you actually embrace your awareness. And this was true for her whether the relationships were romantic, business or friendships.

When you are a kid, you have this capacity naturally to be with someone or not be with someone. When you grow up, you learn there is a significance and a solidity to what a relationship is, so when you break it up, you feel broken; like you are something porcelain. But you are not a porcelain thing. You have awareness, and when you be that more and more, it becomes way easier. For Imene, she realised that she can actually handle herself and not lose it.

You Actually Know When It’s Not Going To Work

If you are asking questions, you have this moment where you realise the relationship is not one that is going to go for long, or it's not one that will bring you joy. It's more of a knowing. It doesn't make sense. She remembers in one of her relationships that she knew it wasn't going to work, but she was having so much fun she continued with it.

At the end when it doesn't work, you actually knew. And, even if you don't see the ‘red flags’, you have this sense of there's something that's not working. You have the choice to acknowledge that you are still choosing to go with the relationship even though you know, or have a sense or gut feeling, that it's not going to work. 

You are aware.

Imene’s Go To Relationship Tool

One of the things Imene looks at with anything she chooses is, "What would my life be like in 5, 10, 20, 50 years if I actually choose to be with this person?" and she gets a sense of what that actually is. When you ask that question, your mind cannot compute anything, so you trust what you know; what you have a sense of. 

If that question brings up a contraction, especially to Imene's body, she knows there is something that is not joyful or easy for her in that relationship. It's still a choice to choose it, but if she does, she knows it's not something that is creating her future. 

She is learning more and more to go with what is lighter; because we still have choice in every situation to go either way. How many of you know that something is not a light choice and go with it anyway? Maybe you have an agenda or you might want to fulfil something.

What If A Break Up Didn’t Have To Be Dramatic?

We actually have choices when we are breaking up. It doesn't have to go to trauma and drama. It doesn't have to be that space of "Oh my god, I've lost everything," or judging yourself.

Sometimes when you spend so much time with one person, where it was trauma and drama but you still stayed, after that you don't actually want to have a friendship with them afterwards. But with others, you might choose to stay friends. Maybe you have so much joy just knowing that person, being grateful for that person, or you sense that person is still a contribution. If you have the courage to still have that person, you can have them around you and still have this friendship. 

It usually doesn't make sense. A break up is supposed to be dramatic; it's supposed to be a loss. In this reality, you're supposed to have a hard time. You're a porcelain thing and we just threw you out of the window. But if you know the future you are creating is a better, greater and more expansive one for you, and the other person, whoever is involved, you can actually enjoy that choice. It's like choosing to move houses, and you are happy you have a new house. You don't cry that you lost the old house. 

What if we had this joy of choosing whatever we are choosing? Because it can look dramatic and it can be dramatic if you choose it. And it also can have this sense of gratitude with the other person for whatever you had with them, for whatever they brought to your life. Even if it was difficult - it's still an awareness you’ve gained. 

When Leandra moved out of her relationship, the first night she was in her flat she made dinner for herself, her ex and her son, and they toasted champagne and had dinner together and they were all really glad. Leandra was in her flat, he was in a nice house the way he likes it to be.

When Kids Are Involved

When you have a kid, for Leandra, it's important to include them in what's going on. When you can talk to your child and let them know it's not their fault, it's the adults’ choices, and that you are going to have their back, and they can choose to be with their dad on certain days and their mum on other days, that brings so much ease to them. It was still a shock for her son, and he had his moments, but it was so much ease. And, he could see that both his parents were being so much happier now. That to Leandra is breaking up is easy-ish; where you can talk to the other person. Yes, there are dramas but you can ask questions and not carrying them on. 

Who Are You Being?

Imene loves how Leandra was with her son. She is showing him how he can be with relationships. However it is that you are in relationships, you have learned that from others, like your parents, etc. 

As a kid, Imene used to look at her family and go, "I don't want any of this." For Leandra it was, "Is this it?!" 

Imene had one favourite couple where she admired the relationship, but it still didn't look as if it was the best thing there was in life.

Growing up, Imene did her own kind of havoc in relationships, until she found the Access tools. Now she has way more ease and a joy in what she is choosing in relationships. Who else can use this?

Acknowledge What Is

If you are going through a break up, the first question that you actually want to ask is, "When did I know that this was not going to work out?" When did the relationship end energetically? And just acknowledge that. For example, if you knew 1 month into the relationship and stayed for 10 years, acknowledge that you chose to go 9 years and 11 months knowing it's not going to work. Don't judge yourself,or the other person, but look at it. In acknowledging what you are aware of now, you can ask questions; "WhatcanI create? Can this relationship still work out? What contribution can I be to the other person by choosing to break up?” etc. Because you know.  If you are already thinking about a break up, there is probably something to look at.

The other thing is to actually look at what it is for the other person. In Access we talk about Presumptive Realities. There are so many presumptions about what the other person is living. You don't know if they are happy with you, or if they're not happy, because they put on this face for you. So, sit down and have a conversation with them. Not blaming, not trying to make a point, but just asking "How is it for you? How has it been for the last 10 years? How has it been for the last month? Do you see anything that we can change? Do you think there is still anything between us? Are you willing to change this thing, or not?" Because we have this image and projection of what we don't like about the person and what they should and will change. 

When you are asking these questions, really have that space of, “What will this question create?” and keep it an open question, so that he or she has the space of, "I've never been asked this from you before and I would like to look at that."

And, when they are choosing something that is not working for you, you can ask them, "What is this for you?" and "How much do you value this choice in your life? Is it working for you? Do you have any idea of possibly changing it?" Just look at what it is for the other person. Relationship is not just about you or them, it's a creationship you have together that if you are willing to look at it, you can create a different future; even if you break up. 

How much ease can you have if you have those kind of conversations, instead of continuing to fight or not agree with each other? Talk about it and be that kindness, be that gratitude, that that person may never have received from you. 

So many couples keep the relationship going for years and years, even though they've already ended the relationship. Where are you honouring yourself and the other person in that? It's about being really truthful to yourself and asking questions like, "What can we be here to change this?" That to Leandra is breaking up with ease; really being the questions and being that energy of "What can we be here?” and “What's next?" and, “What can we be for the future?” Because the choices you are choosing today is what is creating your future. 

Leandra was married for 20 years, and it was like this big empire that she built was going away. But in truth, it was gone already. So, when you really look at "What can I create now? What can be different? How can we change this?" you don’t feel like you are losing something.

Stop Judging

Judgement is one of the places we stop ourselves; "Can I break up? I have kids."

Being in the wrongness or rightness of yourself has not ever created anything greater before you were in this relationship. Now that there is another person in the equation, and they also have their judgments, can you imagine the fight or war between the two sets of judgments?  

It's a matter of choice whether to judge or not. If you are judging yourself, just stop. There is no tool, there is no clearing, there is no class, there is nothing that will override your choice. You have to look at your choice and what it is creating. For example, you might be judging that you are not a good wife or not a good mum, etc. or on the flip side, you might be judging that you are good and the other person should reward you. What is any of that creating in your world? What is that creating for the other person? 

The energy of judgement is one of the most destructive things; and we know it. But when we are so obsessed about it, we forget everything else. And, when you are in judgement, you cannot be grateful. What if that is not the way you have to live your life anymore? That's what you learned, and that's okay, but what if now you have a different choice? And, what if it was truly just a choice?

Be the kindness you can be with you - and others. It can spread like a virus!

Relationships Done Different

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/relationshipsdonedifferent/ 

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/RelationshipsDoneDifferent/

Website: https://www.relationshipsdonedifferent.com/ 

Book: Relationship, Are You Sure You Want One?

Guest

Dr. Imene Benzamouche, Certified Facilitator of Access Consciousness, Relationship Done Different Facilitator

Dr. Imene Benzamouche’s website

Dr Imene Benzamouche’s Instagram

Dr Imene Benzamouche’s Facebook

Useful Links:

Is your relationship working for you, or is it time for a change?

In this episode, your host, Paula Peralta, talks with Relationships Done Different Facilitator, Leandra Costa, about tools that bring more ease with breaking up.

Not enough people talk about break ups, yet we all have an idea of what a break up means, and it’s usually tears, depression, fights, can't get out of bed, netflix and icecream, etc., but Leandra has a very different perspective.

There are tools that you can use to give you the space to see the gift in it and to look towards the possibilities you now have.

Be kind to you. Take it easy. Be in question. Be present with what you want to change and create, and also with the other people involved, including your kids.

Keys points from this episode’s conversation

Ask Questions

How do we make break ups easy-ish? By asking questions and choosing for you. What would you like to have from now on in a relationship? Ask questions like, "Is it time to change? Is it time to finish?" "How can I make it ease for me and everyone else involved?"

Ask lots of questions and then look to the future; “What would I like to create from now on?”

For Leandra, using the tools of being in question and choosing for her created a lot of ease with her break up two years ago.

Destroy and Uncreate Your Relationship

One of the tools talked about in Relationships Done Different is destroying and uncreating your relationship. This tool is about destroying what you expect your relationship to be like based on the past, so that you don’t project it into the future.

Look at all the places where you have a projected point of view about what your relationship should look like? What hasn't measured up? What are your expectations? Check all of that and throw them out the window, so that you can have a clean slate today. Then you have the space to ask, “What would I like to create my relationship as?”

“Everything my relationship was, every point of view, every expectation I have about what it's going to be, all of that, I destroy and uncreate it. Now, what's next? What would I like to create?”

Make A List

If you are in a place where you don't know if the relationship is the relationship for you, whether it is done or something might need to change, make a list of all the things that would have to change in order for the relationship to work. Whatever that looks like, with no judgement. Include everything, as ridiculous as you think it is, such as, they've got to squeeze the toothpaste from the end not the middle, or they have to lower the seat down when he goes to the toilet, or they have to give you more compliments, etc. Write down 8-10 things that would create the relationship as greater for you. Then, go through the list and ask yourself, "Is this something that my partner can actually deliver?" Not from judgement, but truly get present with what you are asking for and if your partner could actually deliver that? It's actually an unkindness to expect your partner to deliver something they are not capable of delivering. You've got to be honest. If you get a yes, that's one step closer. If it's not going to work, it's not going to work.

If you got in your car every morning and it didn't work, would you keep it? No, you'd probably get rid of it and maybe buy a new one or take the bus or whatever. You're going to make a change and do something different.

What change is available in your relationship? What can you actually choose, in or out of the relationship, that would create the future that you truly desire?

It's called a break up because it's broken. There is something about it that is not working. What is it that you would actually like to choose and does this relationship contribute to your future? 

That's what starts to change the trauma and drama of "oh my heart is broken," to "I'm actually making a choice that is going to create the future I desire to have."

For Paula, Relationships Done Different is about choice. It's about choosing the relationships that work for you; your relationship with your body, the earth, your relationship with you, with partners, with business partners, all of those things. Really look at that and get super, super clear.

Be Kind To Yourself

Remind yourself to be kind to you. When Leandra went through her list and didn’t see much changing, it was a kindness to break up. Is that a kindness to you? So, now, what steps are required for that to happen with ease?

We are so used to doing drama with a break up. What if you could be kind to you instead; and even to your ex? Leandra remembers talking to her ex and he was really unsure if he could take care of our son, and she reassured him that he can be a single parent. She had the space to have that conversation; "We will be fine. We can take care of each other and ourselves, and together parent and have our son's back and be present with it."

Who Does It Belong To?

The first step to create ease with a break up is to create a little bit of space around it.

An Access Consciousness tool which Relationships Done Different uses is asking, "Who does it belong to?" You are breaking up from someone else. What if all the trauma and drama isn't yours? Ask, "Who does it belong to?" and if it's light, it's not yours. Then you have space to see what is actually ease. You can be happy, you can do something and create something different here and have more of the space that you know you can have.

What Else Is Possible?

When your relationship has served its purpose, what else would you like to choose? Ask “What else is possible?” and "If I was creating my own reality today, what would I choose?" It's not bad to cry and have a moment. It's not wrong. And, if you are going to be miserable, indulge in it and be the most miserable broken up person ever. Then, when you are done with that, "Now what would I like to create? If I was choosing for me and the future that I desire, what would I choose?" It's a bridge into possibilities beyond a lot of what we see in the movies and media about break ups.

When Kids Are Involved

A lot of times with break ups, one of the biggest challenges is kids. Having children changes things.

When Leandra's 20 year relationship broke up, her son went into drama. They reassured him that they were going to be fine and that the break up wasn't his fault, that it's just between the adults and it's not working, we're not happy with each other. Then they asked him, "Is there anything you'd like to ask us?" and he said, "Just make sure you leave me with each other."  That afternoon he went to Leandra's ex's mother's house and was playing on the trampoline and he told her, "Do you know my parents are going to get a divorce?" and broke it to his grandma with so much ease. She was like, "What?!" But to Leandra, it showed the lightness that they could bring to him even though they were breaking up, that everything was going to be fine, they still loved him and they'd still be a family; just a different type of family. Even now he still knows he can count on both of them even though they are separate. He also has parents who are a little bit happier now they are not together.

So often people think the kids are going to be devastated. No, kids are pretty resilient, and they are way more energetically aware than adults let themselves be, so more often than not, it's the adults projecting that trauma and drama onto the kids, and they are reflecting the expectations of the parent. 

Choosing For You

Paula also went through a break up after a long term relationship. For her it was a big choice. A lot of people were rooting for them; "You're so perfect and you're so in love." So, the choice to break up the relationship was really interesting. 

There wasn't really anything wrong. Paula's partner adored her. He wasn't abusive. There wasn't a checklist of reasons why the relationship should be broken up. She just knew that there was something else possible, and she could feel herself starting to cut off parts of herself to stay in the relationship. Her life was getting bigger and bigger and then she'd come home and it was this traditional "I am the wife and he is the husband." There were a whole lot of unspoken expectations. And even when they did speak about them, it was clear that there was a difference of perspective. So, the break up was more about, "I'm choosing something different." 

For Paula, approaching the break up from that perspective created a lot of space, and also for her partner, because she knew she was moving towards something that matched the energy of what she deserved her life to be. And, her life exploded in a good way. The choice to have her own back harder than anyone else changed the game for her. It showed her that energy of what it looked like to have her own back. 

Everyone's got something to say when a relationship breaks up; "Oh, well that didn't work." "There's no hope for the rest of us." "I don't want you to die all alone and broke." 

No good relationship ends in divorce. It served its purpose and it contributed what it contributed. 

Knowing that when you make a choice like that, it's not easy. It can have an ease to it, and when you make that choice to have your back so hard, even when it's stressful or emotional or whatever that is for you, the universe sees that and immediately rewards it. It is a choice that creates greater, if you allow the universe and consciousness to contribute to all of it.

You Should Always Have More Of You

Leandra notices that when people break up, they start to look really good. They start to go to the gym, etc.  So, there is that energy of really starting to have that relationship with you and asking, "What would I like to do? What does my body want to look like?" You start to have that intimacy with you again, because in relationship you can lose that; you start to immerse yourself with the person you are in relationship with and kind of forget where you are, who you are and what do you like being and creating, etc.

That's why Leandra likes talking about breaking up is easy-ish, because there is a gift in it. You go through rough patches, particularly in the beginning, but there is also that bit of having more of you after breaking up.

There should always be more of you. Whether you are in a relationship or you choose to break up a relationship, having all of you is the minimum requirement of any choice.

So many of the tools in Access Consciousness are all geared towards you having more of you.

When you are actually willing to have more of you, when you make that demand of yourself, the universe immediately has your back and allows you to grow and contributes to you choosing, and presents possibilities that you might not have even known were possible.

Be kind to you. Take it easy. Be in question. Be present with what you want to change and create, and with the other person and your kids. Ask questions.

There is always so much that you can think, but when you start to be and ask those questions, then the change comes with so much ease.

Relationships Done Different

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Book: Relationship, Are You Sure You Want One?

Guest

Leandra Costa, Certified Facilitator of Access Consciousness, Relationship Done Different Facilitator

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Are you in a relationship that you don’t like? Or are you desiring to create a relationship with someone?

In this episode, your host, Rachael O’Brien, talks with Relationships Done Different Facilitator, Penny Tonkin, about  tools they have both used in their relationships to create more conscious relationships that allow you to have that sense of being alive and life being a gift to you.

What if you could move from judgement and separation with people, to allowance, gratitude, vulnerability, honour and trust?

Keys points from this episode’s conversation

Ask Questions Every Day

One of the tools Penny uses every day for relationships is to ask a question. We are taught to have the answer, and to go out and find the ‘right’ person and marry the ‘right’ person and get a house. What if that's not true for you? What if you can just have fun and ask a question, like, “What can I create today to have even more fun for me?" and follow the energy?

Penny's first relationship, she knew it would never be what she wanted, and she created it like that. It took her 20 years to finally say that it was not working for her, but at least she recognised it and did something about it.  We all know in our hearts what is true. Penny really learnt to follow the energy and ask questions. Questions are the key for Penny; every day!

The Most Important Thing Is The Relationship With Yourself

The thing that is most important is your relationship with yourself. Before you can have a relationship with anybody else, you have to have one with you.

The 5 Elements of Intimacy are: honour, trust, vulnerability, allowance and gratitude. What if you could have those with yourself?

When Penny grew up, she thought intimacy was about cuddling and sex etc. For Rahael it was kissing and hugging and bodies coming together. And it's not. That's copulation and touch.

To Rachael, honour, trust, vulnerability, allowance and gratitude are essential aspects of your relationship with yourself; which she says she is still working on. Rachael was severely abused as a young girl, and she says we've all been abused. We live in a world where we are told to communicate through judgement and ‘this is right, this is wrong, this is good, this is bad’. So, her primary relationships as a young girl were not based on honouring, respect, valuing, or trusting what you know. 

What Does Relationship Mean To You?

Rachael recreated the relationships that she grew up around. She grew up around a lot of trauma and drama and havoc, and there was absolutely no peace or consciousness - consciousness meaning receiving everything and judging nothing. So, she ended up with relationships that she would not like to have instead of things that she would like to have.

True relationship is about when people come together, they have a capacity and ability to have more abundance and thrive. That's actually the basis of relationships done different; that your relationships support you to thrive and have an abundance of living and the wealth of living, instead of havoc and fighting and getting into a boat where you don't know if the boat is secure and literally swimming in the middle of the sea blaming each other.

Rachael would just fall in love. She never looked at, "Is this what I would like to have? Does this have something that is going to support me to have a greater way of living?" Relationship was just about survival for Rachael. 

To change this, she started asking, "How did I create this?"

If you are in a relationship that you are not enjoying or you don't like what you have, or there always seem to be a problem, ask "How did I create this?" It allows you to receive the unconsciousness or lack of presence that you created the relationship from; the unconscious point of view. Because, we create our lives; everything that happens to us.

It’s not about, "What's wrong with me?" Penny was in a relationship for 20 years that didn't work for her, Rachael was in a relationship for 19 years. There's nothing wrong about it and there's nothing right about it. Rachael sees that she and her partner were just two children that came out of a lot of havoc and a lot of unconsciousness and they created the exact same relationships that their parents had. Her partner's dad was away working for his whole childhood, and Rachael grew up without a dad. So, when they came together, they weren't even present with each other. 

There was a lot of love for the other person but it's like they couldn't be in that space; there was so much shit about money and so much shit with having kids and there was so much lack of presence. They lacked presence and education with how to deal with daily living, how to deal with money, how to deal with the business of having a family and how to deal with things that would show up with their children on a daily basis. They were fighting the insanity of this reality instead of getting really present with what we would like to have.

Rachael didn't really want to get married, but she did want the 'fantasy' of the norm. And she thought that if she got married, everything was going to be beautiful and everything would work; and that wasn't the case. It also was really tough for Rachael's partner, as she acknowledges that she wasn't present and wasn't happy for 80% of the time. So, you had two people who didn't know how to generate a living that was peaceful and supported that expansion and thriving and abundance. As such, they were just living according to this reality's rules and regulations.

POD & POC

POD is the point of destruction and POC is the point of creation. When we say POD and POC, we are actually clearing all the points of views that you've created about whatever comes up for you.

For Rachael, the POD and POC is a huge tool. If you have a relationship that is drama, separation, confusion, no care of bodies and just fighting a war everyday, you can ask, "How did I create this?" and POC and POD all of the things that come up; all of the judgements, etc.  Then, and ask a new question, such as, "What can I create today?" Or, if you are not in a relationship, "What would it take for me to find a great partner?"

Destroy and Uncreate Your Relationships Every Day

Another tool Penny shared was destroying and uncreating your relationships everyday. Most people think that means you are ending your relationships. No. Destroying and uncreating the relationship is destroying your points of view, your emotions, everything that you have locked in place of your relationship previously, allowing something new to generate. 

For example, if you have a grudge and you destroy and uncreate your relationship with that person, it will destroy and uncreate all the points of views you have about it and everything you have decided, all the judgments about who you are and what this is, etc., and it creates a blank slate where you can start again.

So, every day, “I destroy and uncreate my relationship with [insert your partner’s name/your children's names/ etc.]” and use POC and POC to destroy and uncreate everything that comes up around that. Then you can ask a question, such as, "What can I create with this relationship? 

Penny does this every day with her relationships with her business, her son, her partner, her dog, her mum and father and just general people. She says it's a great tool to use. And, things do change.

You don't have to judge your past choices. Just choose something new today; "What can I create today?" "Universe, what would it take for me to create an even better relationship with me; totally trusting me?"  The relationship with you comes first.

Trust What You Know

The tool Penny uses when a relationship isn't going well, such as a judgmental boss or difficulties with her relationship with your son, etc., is trusting herself and really honouring her awareness and trusting what she knows. Trust is something that wasn't existent in past relationships and she really had to work on it. Now, she really acknowledges that she does trust herself and she does know. She just keeps asking questions and goes with her awareness.

When we say trust, we don't mean trust what the person says. We mean, if your mum was fighting for her point of view yesterday because she needs to be right, and she was fighting 10 years ago, and she loves to fight, you can trust that she is going to fight today.

Also, you can trust in the energy of each situation. If you walk into a room and there is an energy of anger or hatred, you can trust that you know someone has that energy. When you are functioning from awareness, you are not willing to cut that knowing off. The founder of Access Consciousness, Gary Douglas, says, “Some people will kill you, some people will hurt you, some people will help you and some people will contribute to you massively.” And it is possible to pick up on that energy as soon as you meet someone. That's one of the gifts Penny has. Be willing to receive all the information. And, receiving doesn't mean that you lock it into your body, but you are aware of all the information. 

We are not educated or invited to trust ourselves and our knowing. One of the big things Rachael learnt with Relationships Done Different was trust. She wasn't invited in anyway to trust the energetics of what she knows in relationships, so her evolution of trusting what she knows and trusting the energies has been a continuous reach for "What is true for me here? What do I know here?" And, she says she still has lots of work to do on this. If she has someone in her life who loves to fight and loves to be right and loves separation and judgement and drama, she can recognise their purpose with their words and their actions, and realise that it's not personal. 

Write A List Of Everything You Desire In A Relationship

One of the tools Gary Douglas, the founder of Access Consciousness, gave Rachael in 2019 was to write down the things she would like to have in a relationship and the things you would not like to have, and get really clear on that.  We say what would you like to have, or what do you desire rather than what do I want, because there are so many definitions that want means to lack.

Rachael wrote her list again yesterday, and it included: allowance, gratitude, independence, willingness for growth and change, peaceful, living, love bodies and two people increasing their capacity to thrive.

What Racael would not like to have is: judgement (because all judgement is a separation and an abuse), massive money problems (because they bring all of that drama into the relationship), family drama, trauma, confusion, and no presence with bodies

When Rachael went down her list, she asked if she was willing to be all those things for herself. She acknowledges that she is not fully willing and that she still has work to do.

What if you wrote your list right now?

Is Your Relationship Fun For You?

For Penny, the most important energies in a relationship are having fun and being happy. That's how she lives her life every day now. And also the energy of relaxation. Every day she asks, "How much fun can I have today? How happy can I be?" 

One of the top things that makes Penny happy is walking on the beach and just laying on the sand receiving the energy of the Earth. Also, just being around her friends that she laughs with. A lot of people can bring you down, so Penny chooses her friends to be fun.

Rachael says she still has work to do in her relationships. She will notice when she still wants to control someone or has a need of a reactive reaction. And that's okay too. We keep going. We are experts in what we don't like to have. Rachael gets up every day and really looks at what it is she would like to have and what it is that she would like to build and what is relevant for her. And what really brings laughter and joy and light into her life. 

What would it take for us all to create a conscious relationship; consciousness meaning, receiving everything and judging nothing?

What choice can you make today to create the relationship with you and others that would allow you to have that sense of being alive and life being a gift to you?

Relationships Done Different

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/relationshipsdonedifferent/ 

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/RelationshipsDoneDifferent/

Website: https://www.relationshipsdonedifferent.com/ 

Book: Relationship, Are You Sure You Want One?

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How is your relationship with your kids? Is it a tumultuous ride that you don’t enjoy, or is it ease, joy and glory no matter what comes your way?

On this show, your host, Leandra Costa, talks with Relationships Done Different Facilitator, Danielle Tooley, about the relationship you have with your kids. She discusses tools and techniques to create a different space from which you can parent your children.

What can we create with Relationships Done Different with our kids?

Keys points from this episode’s conversation

How Do You Parent?

Danielle says that a lot of her parenting comes from reflecting on the way she was parented. Some of the things she does the same, but she also looks at where things didn't work. She likes to be really present with her parenting, and if something isn't working, she will ask questions like, "Where can I choose greater? Where can I be better? What can I do different in this situation?"

When Danielle was growing up, she had a lot of freedom. They played on the street with their friends and would go home when the street lights came on. Whereas, kids these days don't get as much freedom as what she did. They are indoors more and on iPads.

So, Danielle allowed her kids to have freedom from a very young age. At around 8 or 9 years of age, she let them walk to school together on their own. Although, she did say that the first time, she actually followed them in the car. Her main concern was because they had to cross main busy roads and she wanted to know if they'd use the lights and get across okay. And, she realised they were doing well.

As a mum, it's about really using your knowing, using your awareness, and allowing them to have freedoms and really tapping into, "If I allow them to do this, is everything going to be okay?"

Also, letting your kids know that they need to use their own awareness and intuition and knowing as well.  This isn't normally taught with kids. Usually it's about what you know as a parent and the kids don't know anything. There has to be a little bit of "You need to listen to me," because there needs to be boundaries, and also allowing them to know what they know too.

Giving your kids space gives you more space for you, and it allows them to grow their confidence and feel empowered. They also get to see that their friends' parents don’t do that, so perhaps they'll think, "Maybe my mum's not so bad afterall."

Leandra also has a 10 year old. He goes to a totally different school where he chooses whatever he does with his time there. It's about teaching him to ask questions and letting him know he is being heard and seen.

Dealing With Emotions

Danielle grew up with a very emotionally reactive mum, so she learnt a lot of that emotional reactivity. It's something she's had to undo to be more present as a parent. Biomimetically mimicking is when you mimic someone else's behaviour, and Danielle really mimicked her mum. Rather than react, it's really about being calm and being space and also about being whatever energy is required in the moment. 

Another tool that assisted Danielle was learning that there are things called distractor implants, such as anger, rage, fury and hate, that distract you from being you. It’s more about what is underneath the emotion.

Danielle's son is on the spectrum and can go from 0 to 100 very quickly with anger. It's a matter of keeping her walls and barriers down to keep the wind out of his sails. When he is calmer, she can throw in a bit of logic, but she finds that logic with a kid that is fired up and triggered gets you nowhere. You may both need some space. There have been times when Danielle has said to her son, "I'm not feeling safe right now, so I am going to leave for a moment. You do your anger in your pillow, or whatever you need to do, but I am going to take myself out of the situation, and we can talk about it later."  When he's calmed down, she talks to him about what is underneath the anger. Anger is a distractor implant, so it's about what is underneath that creating that trigger. 

If a child is throwing fury at you, it may assist you to know a lot of their emotions are also affected by development. Their brains don't stop developing til they are 25. The amygdala is developing the most during the teen years which is responsible for a lot of that emotional stuff, So, you will get a lot of that as a parent. As a parent, this will require you to be even more calm and space and being in the question, in that moment, because you will be met with those triggers and those triggers can trigger you, depending on how you were brought up, etc.

As a mum, we have all been in situations where we have met that energy of anger from our child with the same energy, having been triggered by it. But, that doesn't create anything greater. It’s not about judging yourself, it’s about acknowledging that it didn’t work and not choosing it next time. 10 second increments of choice means that you can always choose something different.

When you go to reaction and judgement, just stop. And, ask a question; "What's next? What can I be next?" 

When Danielle's kids were very young and being all crazy, she would ask them, "Who are you being right now?" Or if she was doing crazy she would ask herself, "Who am I being right now?" It gets you back to the present moment, because you might be doing something like acting out your own mum's behaviour. We are all telepathic, picking up everyone's thoughts, feelings and emotions. You might be so calm all day, in the best happy mood, and someone can come in and you can get flipped into their emotional state so easily if you are not willing to be present in that moment.

Being The Space Required For Your Children To Communicate With You

Danielle had an incident recently with her daughter. She was sitting on her bed filing her nails and her daughter came in and sat next to her and started engaging in a conversation about some people and what was happening. Instead of asking her daughter if she wanted some feedback or if she just wanted her to listen, she went into problem solving. Her daughter didn't like that. She said Danielle was lecturing her, and she got up and stormed out and slammed the door.  So, Danielle got up and went in her room and said, "I'm really sorry for interrupting you. I'm listening now, do you want to try again?" She took responsibility for her own part in the interaction that didn't go down so well - that she wasn't there for her the way her daughter wanted her to be.

Her daughter didn't come back to the conversation straight away. She needed some time to process what just happened. When she did come back, Danielle said they did some other things and had some fun rather than go back to the conversation. It's about having that open communication so they trust you enough to vent without you butting in, but always knowing you are there to support them if they want some advice and tools.  

They are not always going to want advice. As a teenager, their job is to separate from you for survival. In fact, their bodies are ready to procreate, however, in our society, they are not emotionally ready. If they were in the 'wild' they would procreating. So, their job is to separate from you and create their own tribe. In this society, that's their peers. You are wrong in their eyes; you don't know what you are talking about, you're stupid, etc. They don't want to listen to you. But, they will want to listen to you after 25, once that brain has finished developing. In the mean time, it’s important to keep that open communication. You have to be total space. And if you really want to say something, zip it.

Leandra's son also has some special abilities. One of the things he loves to do is to bake, so Leandra will invite him to bake with her to create a safe space. How can you be with your kids? What will make them really feel that they can talk and be themselves? Often, we as parents are busy and thinking of the cooking or our jobs, etc.  What can we be to be in more connection with them?

For Danielle, the best conversations with her kids occur in the car. She won't allow them to be on their phones in the car. If she is going to drive them, she wants them present with her. Just recently, Danielle was at a parent and son night at her school, and one of the parents said they take their son possum hunting and that's when they talk. It’s about finding that groove with your child, whatever that is for you. Find that space where they will open up and listen to what comes out. 

Often, too, they just require you being there. Leandra would go to guilt working from home, but her son would say he was okay because she was there. 

Stop Judging Yourself

Remind yourself to not get pulled into the distractor implants of anger, rage, fury, hate, blame, shame, regret and guilt, and also living in 10 second increments with your kids. If you show up as a parent in a way that you didn't like or didnt' work, you've got 10 seconds to choose something different.  Try not to go into judgment of yourself. Don't do judgment. It doesn't create anything greater. Go, "Okay, that didn't work very well. What could I choose different next time?" And,reminding yourself, "who am I being here?", if you go into emotional reactivity. If your child is acting crazy, ask "Who are you being?" They may not get it straight away. They may shoot a bit more venom at you. But practise also, if there is anger in a situation, pulling energy from them.  That will allow their walls and barriers to come down, so you can come in from a different space, and allow things to simmer down before you have a conversation. If you are in a distractor implant, wait!

Say to yourself, "all the distractor implants creating this situation, I destroy and uncreate them all" Let the earth suck them up, or whatever is required. Create some space to allow you to come back in with a different energy. 

You can also ask "What energy is required in this situation?" Sometimes, being really aggressively present in a situation, without anger, is what's called for. For example, "If you do that again I will punish you in ways you can't imagine," and delivering that with intensity, could be the thing that shifts the energy of the situation. The required energy could also be kindness, or caring or gratitude. Ask “What energy can I be in this situation that is going to create the greatest for me and my child?” It might not be what you think. You might think you need to punish them, but that is a conclusion. Always ask a question. There have been times when Danielle has chosen not to punish her daughter because she can see it won't create anything greater. 

Relationships Done Different

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/relationshipsdonedifferent/ 

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/RelationshipsDoneDifferent/

Website: https://www.relationshipsdonedifferent.com/ 

Book: Relationship, Are You Sure You Want One?

Guest

Danielle Tooley, Certified Facilitator of Access Consciousness, Relationship Done Different Facilitator

Danielle Tooley’s website

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Keys points from this episode’s conversation

Honouring Self With Kindness

There is an honouring of self in Simone Milasas’ world, cofounder of Relationships Done Different. There is a demand in her world which does not sway, yet it is delivered with kindness. Even letting someone go from her team is a kindness. It is kinder to everyone, and creates greater, if you just tell people what you are aware of and ask questions, rather than put up with something that is not working.

Most people think that kindness has to look a certain way.  For years Paula thought she wasn’t kind because she wasn’t this soft, sing songy kind of lady.

Kindness Is Having Your Own Back

As a mum, Becky always gave her kids a lot of choice. They don't always fit in, but they definitely have kindness to themselves. If they don’t want to hug, for example, they say so, and that’s okay.  Becky’s mum, however,  takes it personally; “If you don't hug me, you don't love me.” Rather than put up with this, they will tell her “Don’t manipulate me.” They have this sense of self where they have their own back. They're not giving themselves up even when Becky’s mum is guilt tripping them.

Kindness Versus Being Nice

How often are you unkind to yourself to maintain the illusion of being nice? The amount of things we've all done in our lives to be nice, which are not kind to you, is staggering.

More often, what people think is being kind is actually being ‘nice’. Being nice usually means you lose yourself in order to take care of others’ happiness. Kindness is more about allowance and the willingness to be what's required; which includes yourself.

Chris just ended a relationship that wasn't working. The ‘nice’ thing would have been to put up with it and not create any sort of conflict or discomfort. The kind thing for everyone involved was to end it. It may not have seemed it at the time, but it was so required and there lies the kindness. Kindness doesn’t mean comfortable. Chris had to look at it and ask, "Where and how is this actually contributing to me?"

There is a way to do it with kindness that creates greater for everyone. And, when you are willing to be that energy for you, you show other people that it's possible.

A friend of Chris’, Kass, waiting for a table at a restaurant with a friend. When the next table became available, they were dismissed and passed over for a white couple behind them. Kass’ friend got really angry, saying it was because they were black. Kass, however, dealt with it with kindness, whilst still asking for what she desired and deserved; "I'm sorry dear, you must not have seen that we were here before them.  Would it be possible for you to serve us now?"

Judgement versus Empowerment

One of the biggest areas where relationships seem to fall apart is communication and knowing how to say something. If there is no judgement, what does communication look like?

A retail shop owner that Chris knows was complaining to him about his staff.  Chris asked him, “Are you judging them? Is  managing your shop with a loaded gun how you can communicate and empower your staff?”

Chris is always interested in what his friends and staff know, rather than micromanaging and dictating to them. Kindness is empowering people to what they know and to have the greatest life they possibly can.

He is not interested in having relationships with people who constantly judge and nitpick and make everything wrong. If you take the judgement and the wrongness out, what is there to nitpick at?

Ask for what you require and be that energy of what you demand and what you are reaching for, without judgement.

We can all be unkind and we can all be really kind; it's a combination. If you are making yourself wrong for the times you are not kind, look at all aspects. What kindness can you be? What kindness can you see?

Ask For More Kindness To Show Up

Ask and you shall receive is how the universe works. You can ask for anything. Keep asking for more kind and fun people to show up. Chris asks for the following, "What would it take to surround myself with kind, caring, creative people?"

Your Hosts

Paula Peralta 

Christopher Hughes 

Becky Vannes

Justine McKell 

Relationships Done Different

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/relationshipsdonedifferent/ 

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/RelationshipsDoneDifferent/

Website: https://www.relationshipsdonedifferent.com/ 

Book: Relationship, Are You Sure You Want One?

Useful Links:

Are you grateful for your body? Do you have allowance for it? For years Simone used to dismiss her body and find it annoying, until she realised that judging your body does not create anything greater!

In this episode, Simone Milasas discusses two chapters from the book, Divorceless Relationships, with Paula Peralta; Getting To Know Your Body and Secrets To Great Sex.

If you have total communion with your body, then you can have great sex; because it’s your body that copulates. Embodiment should be about joy in your body, and your body being a contribution to you and you being a contribution to your body and being. Treat your body like a best friend.  

There is only one thing you want hard in life!

Keys to success

Stop Judging Your Body

For years Simone used to view her body as annoying. She dismissed her body and would have judgments such as, "I could get so much more done if I didn't have a body," as well as judging its size and shape. And, when she stopped judging her body for its size and shape, she started judging it for ageing.

Judging your body doesn't create change. 

In the last 5 years, Simone has stopped judging her body so harshly. She asked herself, “What if I stopped judging it and was just super happy to have a body in this lifetime and be in communion with it?”

A whole space is available when you stop judging your body. It's like a muscle. The second you go to judge, catch yourself and stop. No one else can do it for you.  Simone says that even though she has less judgement of her body now, she still has to practice.

Greater Communion With Your Body

Be in tune with what your body is asking for. A while ago, Simone hurt herself in pilates and was talking to Gary Douglas, the founder of Access Consciousness, about it. He told her that she needs to stop doing whatever it is she is doing the moment something gets so much fun.  It seems counterintuitive but for Simone, that is when she stopped asking her body questions and just continues doing what she finds so much fun. You really have to pay attention to what your body is asking for and listen. Now Simone catches herself when she does this and asks, "Have I stopped asking my body?"

It's about asking your body what it requires. Listen to your body and follow the energy. There is no right or wrong. Your body might desire something for 2 days, 1 day, 2 weeks, 1 month; it's not a longevity thing. Listening to your body and being in communion with it will create greater.

Start your day by conversing with your body. Put your hands on your body and have a little chat; “Hey body, how’s it going?” Put your attention on a part of the body, or on your organs or cells and ask it, “What do you require?”

Being in communion with your body also leads to greater sex. You can't have great sex if you are not in communion with your body; because it's your body that copulates!

Have Gratitude For Your Body

Your body is your best friend, and we treat it like crap by constantly judging it and getting frustrated. What if we changed that to constant gratitude?

What part of your body do you love, find wonderful?  What if you looked at your body through someone else's eyes? 

Communion And Relationship

The greatest relationship you can have is with you and your body; then you can pick and choose in a really different way because you are not looking for someone to fulfil you. Only you can fulfil you.

Hollywood movies portray themes like, "you complete me" and "soul mate." What if everything you have been told is a lie?

If you have communion with you, you can add somebody to your life.  If you don't, you'll be looking for someone to fulfil you or to complete you. No one else can complete you; only you can complete you. Other people can be a contribution, but they don't complete you.

It is way more fun to be with someone who is being all of them. One of the most attractive things in the world is someone who is being them.

If you are looking to put your trust in someone else before you have it with you, you will never have all of you. If you have trust in you, then you can trust someone else; but it's not blind faith. It's you in allowance of who they be and you can make choice.

Holding Onto A Relationship

Everything you've decided is the 'right' choice, take a breath and let it go.

What are you avoiding by holding on to a relationship so tight? What if instead, you choose to be with them each and every day? And then, if it's time for something different, what if you could choose that?

Winners, Losers & No Counts

In relationships, a ‘Winner’ is someone who you would feel like you have ‘won’ if you hooked up with them, but the catch is that they typically judge you or your body. A ‘Loser’ is someone who wants to hook up with you, but you judge them (because they must be a loser if they want to be with you). And a ‘No count’ is someone who has no judgement in their world. 

For Simone, anyone who didn't want to have sex with her was a winner; ie if she had sex with them, she had scored a winner.   There was no question in her world of, "Will this be fun?"; just the desire to score a ‘win’.  Anyone who wanted to have sex with her, she put in the loser category; it was just too easy! And, the no counts just didn’t count.

She would choose men who would judge her body based on the same judgement she had of her body. It would validate the limitation she was choosing for herself.

Now, she asks, "What would it take to choose lovers who are nurturing, who are fun?"

Sex, Sexuality, Copulation & Intimacy

‘Sex’ is where you are walking tall, feeling good and strutting your stuff.

‘Sexuality’ is a judgement and a definition of you based on your sexual preferences.

‘Copulation’ is where you put your body parts together.

Copulation is not intimacy. The 5 elements of intimacy are gratitude, trust, honour, vulnerability and allowance. For Simone, having that level of intimacy with someone was a lot harder than copulation. What if you were willing to have the 5 elements of intimacy with everyone, including yourself and your body?

Great Copulation

People make having sex right or wrong.  There was a time when Simone was willing to never have sex again.  She also knows people who havent had sex for years. It doesn't matter! None of it is right or wrong; you are not right if you have sex and wrong if you don't, or if you masturbate or not. If you are being really present with your body, then you get to choose; that's when the joy and the pleasure with it all exceeds.

Great sex is a level of contribution and receiving.  Sometimes you want fast and furious sex. Sometimes you want slow sex. If you are willing to have it all and play with it all, you'll have more communion with your body.

The first time that Simone had sex, it was about ticking a box; “Now I've had sex. I can tell my friends,” rather than an exploration; "Ooo, is this nice?  Is that nice?" etc.

Then, for years, she never chose who to have sex with from the space of, "Will this person be nurturing for me?" She didn’t ask, “Is this working for me and my body? Is this fun for me? Is this joyful?”

Create communion by asking your body questions.  Even with long term partners, ask “Will this be nurturing?” before copulating; rather than this judgement that you have decided needs to be fulfilled.

Your Body Doesn’t Have A Judgement

When looking for a person to copulate with, what if you asked for a particular energy, such as somebody who is going to contribute to you, be kind to you and your body and doesn’t judge your body, rather than stipulate physical appearances like size, weight, height, etc.?

Your body doens't have a judgement about who it wants to have sex with. Ask, “Body, who would you like to have sex with?" It could be lots of different people. It's you who judges whether it’s right or wrong, good or bad, and has all these reasons and justifications about whether you can or can’t have sex with someone.  It’s not that you go and have sex with everyone your body would like to copulate with; it's about identifying the energy of that person that your body finds nurturing, and asking for that in a sex partner.

Your body is really smart. You are the one who is sometimes a little crazy.  Let your body show you the way and listen to that. Then you might have a different reality show up.

Too Tired To Copulate

How much of your life are you forcing yourself to do things you don't really want to do?

The energy you put into making yourself do things is what makes you feel tired. You have to expend more energy doing things you don't want to do.

You get to choose. If you are tired due to working too much and don't want to have sex, acknowledge that, and what else is possible? For example, could you go away together for three days?

Positive Judgments

A positive judgement is going to lock you up just as much as a negative judgement.

Perfection is a judgement; "I've got the perfect partner," or "that was the best sex I've ever had." Positive judgement leads into this place where you do not choose anything different or greater.

If you have great sex, enjoy it and ask, "How does it get any better than that? What else is possible?"

It's not about getting rid of the positive or negative judgements; what if you were interesting point of view about it all? 

Being Orgasmic Energy

You don't just get turned on when you copulate. When you are willing to have the energy of sexualness, there is a turn on that occurs. The more you play with that, the more you feel those vibrant energies. But you have to be willing to receive all of those generative, fun, exciting energies. At what age did you turn your body off? There will be a decision you've made about the wrongness of your body.

Get the energy of orgasm; it doesn’t matter how long ago it was, we all know the energy of it - even if it was in another lifetime. Pull that energy up from the Earth and up through your feet and body, and tap into that orgasmic energy through your entire body. Allow the heartbeat or pulse of orgasmic energy throughout your body.

Everything that doesn't allow you to perceive, know, be and receive that, will you destroy and uncreate it?  Right and wrong, good and bad, POD and POC, all 9, shorts, boys, POVADs and beyonds.

You can do this exercise at any time. Orgasmic energy is a really alive energy. It doesn't mean you have to copulate, but you can walk around everyday with that energy. What if that's how you be in the world?

Everything that doesn't allow you to choose to live with that orgasmic energy, will you destroy and uncreate it?  Right and wrong, good and bad, POD and POC, all 9, shorts, boys, POVADs and beyonds.

The Joy Of Embodiment

Embodiment is not just about your body but your whole reality. If you are willing to receive this whole reality, a different embodiment can occur.

It should be about joy and happy in your body, and your body being a contribution to you and you being a contribution to your body and being.

Ask every day,  "What else is possible for me and my body today?"

Your Hosts

Paula Peralta 

Christopher Hughes 

Becky Vannes

Justine McKell 

Relationships Done Different

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/relationshipsdonedifferent/ 

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/RelationshipsDoneDifferent/

Website: https://www.relationshipsdonedifferent.com/ 

Book: Relationship, Are You Sure You Want One?

Guest

Simone Milasas, Worldwide Business Coordinator of Access Consciousness, Certified Facilitator of Access Consciousness, Relationship Done Different Facilitator, Business Done Different Facilitator, 3-day Body & Advanced Body Facilitator

Simone's Website

Simone’s Instagram

Simone’s Facebook 

Useful Links:

Do you get annoyed with your partner? Can your partner never do anything right? Or, do you judge yourself as being wrong all the time within your relationship? What if there was another possibility?

On this show, your host, Christopher Hughes, has a raw and vulnerable discussion with Relationships Done Different Facilitator, Carolyn Sinclair, about her marriage and their relationship together; including her husband’s last days.

What if your interaction with all the people you are in relationship with wasn't a reaction but a choice to create something?

Keys points from this episode’s conversation

Your Point of View Creates Your Reality

When you decide your partner is wrong, nothing they ever do will be right. 

A few years back, Carolyn had decided her husband was wrong and was considering getting a divorce. After attending a Choice of Possibilities class with Gary Douglas, the founder of Access Consciousness, she began to realise that it was her point of view that needed to change, not the situation.

It was she who had decided things he did were annoying, and she realised that it was she who was creating the problems because she had to be right all the time and everything he did was wrong.

Carolyn began to ask questions of herself; “What was it about me that I only saw the things that were irking me, when previously we used to have so much fun together?”

She also started using the tool, interesting point of view, every time she felt annoyed. Saying “Interesting point of view I have this point of view,” over and over in your head dissipated all the mind stuff that was going on and made everything so much better and happier.

What if you didn’t have to be right and you used the tool, interesting point of view?

Love Is Always A Judgement

When someone says, “I love you,” it can mean so many different things; and, it is always a judgement. When you love someone or something, there is generally a ‘because’ attached; I love you because x, y or z.

What if instead you used gratitude? When you are in gratitude, you can't be annoyed; the things or behaviours that previously annoyed you no longer matter.

Gratitude doesn't need a ‘because’; it's an appreciation for what is without any expectation of anything that could be different.

Gratitude And Creationship

For Carolyn, everything got better with gratitude; even her sex life. 

In this world, you have to spend quality time together and have meaningful moments to maintain your love and to prove your love. But when you take all that away and are just enjoying each other, it's a different thing.

When you look at the definition of ‘relationship’, it means the distance between two things. Instead of being in a relationship, be in a creationship. You want to have a partner that together you create 20 times more than you do individually.

Allowance

We can't live on this planet without relating to or interacting with others; ie without having something to do with other people.

As head of Customer Service for Access Consciousness, Carolyn possibly interacts with a lot more people than most; and, many of those involve ‘complaints’, where the customer is annoyed. The two tools that Carolyn uses for greater ease in this customer service role, and in life, are allowance and interesting point of view. 

Allowance is like being a big rock in the middle of a stream. Do you get banged around and have to avoid everybody, or are you just letting everything flow by? The choice is yours. When you don't resist and react or align and agree, it changes the energy between you and the other person; because every molecule is consciousness, and we all interact.

Having allowance for others is not just kind for them, it's kind for yourself too. If you don't do trauma and drama and you are in allowance of what other people say and do, life is so much easier for you. Imagine a world where absolutely nothing we did or chose was in reaction.

What if your interaction with people wasn't a reaction but a choice to create something?

Play with it.

You Get To Choose To Be Happy Every Day

If Carolyn is not happy, she uses an Access tool to clear it, change it, or realise it's not hers but someone else’s that she is just aware of.

Choosing to be happy no matter what affects all of her relationships; if Carolyn is happy, it's hard for others to be snarly and rude. And if they are snarly and rude, she can just walk away.

It’s like the mantra of Access - all of life comes to me with ease and joy and glory. That'sallof life; even the yucky stuff.

Your Hosts

Paula Peralta 

Christopher Hughes 

Becky Vannes

Justine McKell 

Relationships Done Different

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/relationshipsdonedifferent/ 

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/RelationshipsDoneDifferent/

Website: https://www.relationshipsdonedifferent.com/ 

Book: Relationship, Are You Sure You Want One?

Guest

Carolyn Sinclair, Certified Facilitator of Access Consciousness, Relationship Done Different Facilitator

Carolyn’s Website

Carolyn’s Instagram

Carolyn’s Facebook 

Useful Links:

Have you ever asked your body to contribute to you? When you are in communion with your body, without judgement, magic can happen.

On this show, your host, Becky Vannes, talks with Relationships Done Different Facilitator, Chrissy Dorn, about your relationship with your body and ways to enhance it.

Your body is talking, are you listening?

Keys points from this episode’s conversation

Start Asking Your Body

When you don't have a relationship with your body, you choose with your mind and you don't ask your body what your body requires.

Chrissy had a skiing accident and realised her body had tried to warn her many times beforehand not to go, but she wasn't communicating with her body.

How many times does your body tell you that you are not involving it in the equation and not asking it what it wants to eat, who it wants to be with, etc.?

What does your body require?

Every morning when Chrissy wakes up she asks her body "Body, what do you require?" "What can I contribute to you today?"

We all come from the Earth, so when you contribute to your body you are also contributing to the Earth; it's the same energy.

Get Out Of Your Mind

When you are in your mind, you are trying to control everything. As soon as you try to control with your mind, you can’t hear the whispers of the Earth. What if you were out of control with no definitions, conclusions, judgements and separations?

How do you know if you're using your mind? It could be a headache, it could be that you are really tired, etc.

Chrissy was tripping a lot. Her body was trying to tell her to be present in this 10 seconds rather than in the future.

How often is disease a sign from your body to be present enough to look at it? 

Hold your hands somewhere on your body and really earth yourself and connect yourself with your feet on the ground. That's when you start sensing what it is like to be in your body, then you can ask "Hey body, what do you require now?"

Other great questions when you have pain or dis-ease are:

"Who does this belong to? Is it mine?" "What is it, what can I do with it, can I change it, if so what is the next step?"

Your body shows you the way, the Earth shows you the way.

Have Allowance With Your Body

Your point of view creates your reality. What are you creating when you keep judging your body all the time?

What if you were in allowance of whatever your body chooses to be, rather than looking in the mirror and judging it? 

Your body always keeps changing, just like the Earth keeps changing, every 10 seconds.

Whatever your body looks like, when you are so in oneness with your body, you can wear anything and have so much presence; you don't need a modal shape for that.

Once you are in allowance of your body, you can honour your body with whatever it wants. Trust your body that it will show you the way of what is a greater contribution for both you and your body and the entire Earth.

What if that is trust with your body; that it always knows what will create greater right now?

It’s not just trusting that your body knows, but also that your body trusts you; you are all oneness. It’s like a tango where sometimes the body leads and sometimes you lead.

What can you create with the tango called your life?

Gratitude

Once you create this communion with your body and it becomes your best friend, gratitude falls into place much more easily.

Even in the shittiest situation, your body shows you how you can deal with that. Be grateful for every single situation that you and your body have allowed yourself to have; even cancer. Your body is showing you where some changes are needed and giving you something totally different to look at.

"Thank you for showing me, body."

Your body is also grateful for you. What signs can you look for that show you your body's gratitude for you?

When you have a sensation of ease and relaxation, that is gratitude from your body for you. Relaxation is the energy of gratitude, and it's also when you are truly vulnerable; the vulnerability of being totally present and seeing what is and just receiving whatever comes out of it. 

Ask your body to show you what gratitude is from your body if you are not aware of it; and just see what shows up.

There Are Two Ways You Can Live Your Life

1/ like a puzzle with edges that you live within, and each piece being predetermined where it fits by the maker of the puzzle.  It gets denser and denser as you work your way inwards from the edges, and once done, you destroy it and make exactly the same puzzle again.

2/ see what shows up. Your body is a piece of a huge mosaic, greater than the universe. It's you, your energy, your infinite being and your body.  Then you add whatever you like, wherever the energy is going, and you move it around wherever you like; wherever it creates more. Ask, "What's going to create greater here?"

Ask Your Body To Contribute

 When you truly truly desire something, have you ever asked your body to contribute to it?

Get connected with your body. Lower your barriers, connect with the earth eg feet on grass. It’s good to have 3 points of focus, eg your feet on the floor, your back against something, hands on body somewhere, and then ask, "Body what do you know here?" and listen to the whispers.

You can only hear when you are out of control and out of your mind.

Chrissy used this question to find her an apartment in an area where it's normally difficult to rent; "Body, show me what's next. Where do I need to go, who do I need to talk to, what energy can I be?"

Your body knows.

Chrissy’s body also told her to book a first class ticket, and the money just showed up.  It also turned out the points she got from that ticket paid for 6 other flights. That's what can happen when you are so congruent with your body!

Your Hosts

Paula Peralta 

Christopher Hughes 

Becky Vannes

Justine McKell 

Relationships Done Different

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/relationshipsdonedifferent/ 

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/RelationshipsDoneDifferent/

Website: https://www.relationshipsdonedifferent.com/ 

Book: Relationship, Are You Sure You Want One?

Guest

Chrissy Dorn, Certified Facilitator of Access Consciousness, Relationship Done Different Facilitator

Chrissy’s Website

Chrissy’s Instagram

Chrissy’s Facebook 

Useful Links:

Are you currently deciding whether to leave a relationship or to stay? Indecision can hang over you like a dark cloud and can be paralysing, keeping you from taking any action at all. What if you could have ease, joy and glory with this choice?

On this show, your host, Paula Peralta, talks with Relationships Done Different Facilitator, Heiderose Scheerer, about the question, to go or not to go.

If you are at a crossroads with any of your relationships and you don't know what's required or how to go about it, this episode can assist you to know that there are possibilities available; even when you don’t feel like there are.

Keys points from this episode’s conversation

Stop Over Thinking It

Your mind will never be able to give you the answer you are looking for. There is no one fits all answer.

When you start asking should I stay or should I go, it's something that has been going on for a while. There is something that doesn't work for you.

Ask, “What is it that doesn't work for me? What is it that makes me ask the question?” and “How can I change it?”; or “Whose responsibility is it to change it?”, as we so often go to blame.

What is it that you actually would like to have? What's true for you?

You can ask the question, “What will my life be like in 5 years time if I stay? What will my life be like in 5 years time if I go?”, but what do youknow? Once you get to that point of asking should I stay or should I go, you already know the answer.

If you are overthinking it and coming up with a pros and cons list, you are trying to justify your choice.  If didn't need to justify, what do you know? What do you desire, what do you require? What is true for you? What is it you would actually like to create?

Two questions to end the indecision are, 

1/ “Am I in an abusive relationship?”; whether it’s you abusing them or they are abusing you. 

2/ Has your health been suffering in the relationship?

What’s Really Going On?

What if your partner's annoying behaviours are a gift and they are there to be your teacher? What if perfection is pure fiction? How can you love an imperfect person perfectly? 

Who were you when you started the relationship? Who are you now? And what would you really like to create in your life?

So often we go to throw the baby out with the bathwater. Outside of abuse, you don't necessarily have to end the relationship just because you find something annoying that you don't think will change. There is always something else possible. A great question to ask is, “What would it take to change this?” or “What would it take for me to have ease with this?”

Another thing we often do is look to other relationships as an example of how a relationship should be, or how to deal with conflict, etc. But what is it that works for you?

When you carry traumas with you, it keeps you from having true intimate relationships. If your partner wants more intimacy and you want to run, it’s not wrong to run - but know what you are doing. If you are the one who wants more intimacy, what can you do to get it?

What are you asking for and can you be and do everything that is required to do that?

For example, if you desire the 5 elements of intimacy - honour, trust, allowance, vulnerability and gratitude in a relationship, is that something that is easy for you to do? Or would you benefit from talking to someone about that?

Do you want to stay in an unhealthy relationship or create a healthy relationship? and how do you know the difference?

The key is to look at yourself and be really honest with yourself. 

Do You Function From Compromise?

Compromise means giving up something valuable to you for the sake of the other person. And, you will expect the other person to do the same. With compromise, no one ever gets what they want. Prefer to ask, “What else can we choose that works for both of us?”

What Else Is Possible?

Being in a relationship, or not, is a choice. You can choose it or not choose it. Not choosing your relationship is still a choice. 

However, if you find yourself leaving relationships a lot rather than putting the work in, are you doing relationship hopping; i.e. going from relationship to relationship with always the same things that don't work?  Maybe it's time to look at yourself and ask, “What can I be and do different here?”

When you're both choosing to be in the relationship, even though not perfect, you can make it work.

Make a list of things you are grateful for for that person. In that space of starting to choose gratitude, things can start to change.

Compatibility

Have you ever even checked if you and your partner are compatible? So often we think if we love each other, it'll just work.

Compatibility is, when you are authentically being your true self it makes the other person feel well or be well or contributes to their life and what they do, and vice versa.

Does the other person truly contribute to you?

What if relationships were about contribution and were an expansion to our lives?

Most of us don't even know that is a possibility, as we were raised to believe conflict and drama and struggle were the norm. Ask, "What have I learned about relationship that is actually a total lie?"

What if compatibility is not about the excitement, what if it was your body relaxing and you feel well and safe and welcome and you welcome the other person? From that point you can create whatever you like.

What Does Your Body Know?

A lot of people are so disconnected from their bodies. Mindfulness is a wonderful thing but what if it requires bodyfulness to know whether to stay or go?

What is your body telling you about the relationship? What is your body telling you when you are with the other person? Are you getting sick, do you stop breathing when the other person shows up, etc.? Or is it something you'd like more of?

An Invitation To Something Different

Relationship Done Different classes are an invitation to look at everything you thought you knew about relationship and everything you thought you knew about you in relationship; not just romantic relationships, but families, colleagues, money, bodies, etc. It’s about the willingness to look at what currently is and the willingness to have your own reality. What could you create that is not available to anyone else?

It all starts with getting to know yourself.

From the time we are a little kid, we are told what to think and how to behave and we are never encouraged to look at what we really want.  When you were on the playground, you knew what you liked and you had fun. You didn’t think about it. Then we were taught that we have to think about things, and we ended up leaving ourselves and our knowing behind.

It Starts With Your Relationship With You

So often we think the indecision is about the relationship, when really the indecision comes from a lack of knowing yourself and a lack of intimacy with you.

If you are willing to be really honest with yourself, and willing to know what you and your body requires, you can have so much more ease.

End the fight with yourself. Start being brutally honest with yourself and what you like, and start communicating that. Stop demanding the other person changes and making them wrong. What if there was no more judgement and a lot more questions like, "What else is possible?"

When we start communicating what is going on with us and asking for more possibilities to show up, your partner actually starts to feel closer and you start to be intimate again.

Your Hosts

Paula Peralta 

Christopher Hughes 

Becky Vannes

Justine McKell 

Relationships Done Different

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/relationshipsdonedifferent/ 

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/RelationshipsDoneDifferent/

Website: https://www.relationshipsdonedifferent.com/ 

Book: Relationship, Are You Sure You Want One?

Guest

Heiderose Scheerer, Certified Facilitator of Access Consciousness, Relationship Done Different Facilitator

Heiderose’s Website

Heiderose’s Instagram

Heiderose’s Facebook 

Do you ignore your body until it’s screaming at you? What would happen if you were more present with your body, listened to it and took action, rather than putting up with pain, illness or things just not being right?

On this show, your host, Justine McKell, talks with 3-day Body Facilitator and Relationships Done Different Facilitator, Danielle Tooley, about creating a relationship with your body.

It's up to you to choose something different; and to choose to know that something different is available.

Keys points from this episode’s conversation

What Is A 3-Day Body Facilitator?

A 3-Day Body Facilitator is someone who can facilitate other people's bodies to create something different; whatever that is for them. Ultimately it's about having a communion with your body.

Danielle says that her job as a facilitator is for you to get awareness around your body and what you are creating with your body. It could simply be a question you haven't asked yet.  It’s about empowering you to get what that is for you; to have all the awarenesses so you can have more communion, more presence with your body.

Our hands are built to nurture and heal. As a baby you are cuddled and kissed and touched, but as an adult, unless you have a partner, you don't really get that, yet that is what bodies require. A 3-day body class gives you that touch the bodies are screaming for.

It's innate for our bodies to heal themselves. When you become more present with your body, the side effect of that is healing. Danielle stated that she will never get bored of listening to people's shifts and changes after a 3 day body class.

Being In Communion With Your Body

A lot of people ignore their body; it’s not a priority for them. If something is going on with your car, like a flat tire, you'll attend to it straight away, but if something's going on with your body, you’ll more likely put it off and only attend to it when it's screaming at you through some sort of pain or illness.

What if you made a conscious effort to really be intune with your body and what it's asking of you, so that you can attend to it before it gets to that stage?

Danielle said that she raised her kids to have a good relationship with their bodies. Danielle's daughter has a great relationship with her body; she loves it, enjoys it, has a sense of peace with it and tells Danielle whenever something is going on with her body and what it requires, like booking into a chiropractor because her shoulders are sore or asking Danielle to run a body process on her.

They've learnt that communion with their bodies from a very young age.

Tools For Teenagers

"Who does this belong to?" is a great tool for teenagers.  Look at who the teenager is amongst. Most of them are all thinking the same thing. Ask them, “Is it possible there is someone in your class that could be thinking that?” Danielle has had the experience where the teenager realises that there actually is someone and they get to know that they are just really aware of what’s going on for other people; that they are aware of other people's thoughts and the pain and suffering in other people's bodies. They can ask themselves, "Does this actually belong to me?" 99% of the time it's not theirs. Return it back to sender. 

Another great tool is Interesting Point of View. It assists you to become more of the observer than reacting to whatever is going on around you.

Teach your teenagers to have gratitude with their body; waking up each day with a sense of gratitude.

Maybe start a journal - what can they write that they enjoy about their body?

Explain to them that there is no cookie cutter mould with bodies, and we all want something different than what we've got. Dr Dain Heer, the co-creator of Access Consciousness, talks a lot about embracing your supposed ‘wrongness’; because it's actually your strongness.

What Joy Can Your Body Bring To The World?

You chose this body. you chose to be on this Earth in this physical form, so what if it's about the joy and enjoyment of it?

If you come from a family where your mum judged herself profusely, most likely you will too; unless you go "This is crazy. I am going to do something different."

Get a pen and write on your mirror something to remind you of the beauty that you be.

You got this vehicle for life. You chose it. What beauty is it going to bring to the world?

It doesn't mean you have to be beautiful; beauty comes from all angles. How would you like to engage with the world? Your body is part of that engagement. We require bodies to do that. 

What would you like to bring to the world with your beautiful body? 

The Difference Between Your Body & Being

Your body and Being are two different things, and they work together. 

The body is what is sitting in the chair, and your being has been here many lifetimes and experienced many different things. Once this body dies, the being chooses another body.

This exercise will assist you to get a sense of the difference between the being and the body:

Find 3 points of contact when you are sitting in a chair, such as your feet on the floor, your bottom on the chair and your back against the chair. Breathe into this space, noticing those 3 points of contact.

Now, expand your Being out 180 degrees in all directions and occupy the space of the room you are in. Keep expanding and occupy the space of the world.  Keep expanding out and occupy the space of the universe.

You will have a lot of awareness from this space. You may notice there is no pain or suffering in your body. It’s also a great exercise if you are feeling really contracted, or when in crowds.

Use this exercise when you are out in public and the awareness of other bodies becomes way too much for your body. You can be aware of other bodies but you don't have to take it into your body.

Your Hosts

Paula Peralta 

Christopher Hughes 

Becky Vannes

Justine McKell 

Relationships Done Different

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/relationshipsdonedifferent/ 

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/RelationshipsDoneDifferent/

Website: https://www.relationshipsdonedifferent.com/ 

Book: Relationship, Are You Sure You Want One?

Guest

Danielle Tooley, Certified Facilitator of Access Consciousness, Relationship Done Different Facilitator & 3-Day Body Facilitator

Danielle’s Website

Danielle’s Instagram

Danielle’s Facebook 

Access Consciousness Body Classes 

Do you use relationship as a standard by which to judge yourself? Or is relationship for you something that adds more kindness into your life?

Most of us are brought up to be kind to others, but if the kindness is not flowing in both directions, there is not true kindness there.  If you are only being kind to the other person, you are limiting the kindness to you.

On this show, your host, Paula Peralta, talks with Dr. Dain Heer, cofounder of Access Consciousness, about kindness, and how it all starts with being kind to you.

Kindness to us which allows kindness to others is a massive strength, that if we would choose it would change every relationship we have, and change the face of the world.

If everybody chose to be the kindness that they can, how diff would the world be? It starts with you.

Keys points from this episode’s conversation

Does Your Relationship Add To Your Life?

99% of rel is energetic; not cognitive. If you are going to be in a relationship, it should add to your lives dynamically, otherwise why would you have one?

Most of what we learned about relationships we learnt from other people who did relationship poorly and we think we’ll do it better. Or we have the idea that relationship is going to solve all our problems. It doesn't. But it will point out our points of views about us in the world.

We seldom go to that place of liking us, so we get in relationship with somebody who also doesn't like us. We assume that’s the way it has to be because we assume there is something inherently wrong with us. 

Dain was engaged to someone who didn't like him.  When he realised that, he asked, "Where do I not care about me? What is this showing me?"

You can either have kindness for you or the wrongness of you. Think of when you are around a friend who doesn't judge you, how much kindness does that give you for you?

What if you just asked to be shown more kind people? 

How Do You Treat Yourself?

The more I am willing to be kind to me, the more kind people show up in my life. No matter what relationship we are in, if you can be that kindness to yourself that starts to allow us to receive that from the world too.

A lot of people have no idea what it is to be kind to them. Dain gave the example of someone who could never please her parents. As a result, all she could ever do was look at what she hadn't been or hadn't done, so then she repeated that in her relationships.

You need to look at how you are treating you and how are you being for you. When you notice that you are not being kind to you, just stop; and POC and POD everything that is.

To know kindness more, think of what it's like to be around a puppy, or a friend who doesn't judge you.

Taking Steps Towards Kindness To Self

Take that leap of treating yourself the way you should of been treated, not the way you were treated, and see what shows up. Try it for a couple of hours and see if you like yourself more at the end.  If you do, extend the time.

Just one step in that direction creates a space where, rather than putting up with people who don't like us and trying to get them to validate you, you can go "Love me or hate me, I'm going to love myself."

What you focus on grows, so make the demand that no matter what shows up, you will love yourself.

Start small.  10 seconds of not judging you. 10 seconds of actually liking you. The more you can celebrate those small steps the greater it becomes.

write down every single day one thing you 

It doesn't have to be monumental; it's a marathon not a sprint

Kindness To Self Changes Everything

We all probably have a lot of things we'd like to change.  Changing how kind you are to yourself changes everything! 

Every time you say "I can't" you are being unkind to you. Kindness to you would be aksing, "How can I create this?  What can I change? What can I do?"

It's such a game changer; if you do the work.  Dain says that he likes himself, because he has done the work. 

Make Time For You

Each day make one different choice for you. 

Most of our lives are about other people, because you want to make their lives better; which is an element of kindness. Let’s start to have some of that kindness coming inwards and fill up your whole battery.

Take 20 minutes a day just for you. Even if you have to get up a little early to fit it in. Do something that is nurturing for you. It may just be taking the time to sip your coffee.

It results in you having space, so when you interact with others, you don't have to go down this whole cesspool of reaction. You become a source for something greater.

The ultimate kindness you can be is always elevating the space of the interaction to something that contributes more to everybody; including you.

Value The Lightness & Space

Start to value the lightness and the space; that's another kindness. If you can start actively choosing that, which creates more of that, we become a different invitation; we change the game so to speak.

So often we walk through the world with all these barriers up. If you are willing to be that energy for you, willing to be kind to you, you actually realise you don't require the walls and barriers.

That's when people start to perceive the difference you be. It puts them in question; "Why are you so happy?" and allows that energy to truly permeate the world. Kindness to you changes the world!

When things are clunky in relationship, pause for a minute and lower your walls and barriers. Remind yourself that you are just feeling clunky right now, and that you really enjoy this person. It has a ripple effect that is instantaneous.

Kindness To Self Is Not Wrong

One of the lies of being kind to you is that everything is then going to be all about you. We are taught this as kids; be kind to others otherwise you are a bad person, selfish, etc.

However, it's only when you are kind to you that you can be present for kindness to others. Kindness is also a presence and a strength.  We are taught that kindness is a weakness.  No.  Niceness is a weakness

The Difference Between Nice And Kind

Kindness is a willingness to look into somebody's world, see what they require and deliver it if you can.

Being nice is when you are trying to prove that you are not bad, wrong, evil; so you let people walk on your head to prove that you don't secretly want to kill them. We always try to prove the opposite of what we believe we are.

Somebody who is nice, you want to kick in the head. Somebody who is kind, you want to be around.

Ask For More Kindness

One of the laws of the universe is ask and you shall receive. Be kind enough to ask for what you truly desire. Choice is "I'll have that".  That's it.  The universe's job is to show you the how.  Your job is to live your life and do your best to ask for it.

Get the sense of what it would be if you were totally kind to you and ask for that, it will show up. It shows up little by little until we don't even realise it, but if you look back in say 2 years, you'll notice the difference.

The ultimate kindness to you is being willing to receive from everything and everyone around you.

Your Hosts

Paula Peralta 

Christopher Hughes 

Becky Vannes

Justine McKell 

Relationships Done Different

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/relationshipsdonedifferent/ 

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/RelationshipsDoneDifferent/

Website: https://www.relationshipsdonedifferent.com/ 

Book: Relationship, Are You Sure You Want One?

Guest

Dr. Dain Heer, Cocreator of Access Consciousness

Dain’s Website

Dain’s Instagram

Dain’s Facebook 

Being You Changing The World Book 

Useful Links:

Do you think that something is wrong with you if you are not in a relationship? If you are in a relationship, do you remain yourself or do you put on an image to keep the relationship, because if you are true to you you think your partner won’t like it?

On this show, your host, Becky Vannes, talks with John Wheeler about being enough and valuing yourself both in and out of all relationships - intimate relationships, work relationships, friendships, etc.

If you value you, others will value you too, and valuing yourself allows you to not be affected by what others say and do.  Relationships should add to your life, not detract from it.

Keys points from this episode’s conversation

Get Clear On The Fact That You Are Enough

So many people think they have to have a relationship and that if they don't they are wrong. You are actually enough how you are, where you are, by yourself. You are a whole person. You are enough exactly as you are today. There is nothing wrong with you if you are not in a relationship. There is nothing wrong with you at all.

If you are looking to add a relationship in your life, whether it's a relationship with a person or a business or a project or whatever, it should be a bonus. You are already a gift. Anything else that interacts with you is a bonus.  

You just being here is enough!

Receive Compliments

John realised that he was enough by having conversations with people who had his back; and actually hearing them. How often do you receive compliments?

Be You In Relationship

If you get clear on what you would like to create or what future you would like to have, people can say or do whatever they want and, as long as you hold true to valuing you, you don't become less.

Look at your values and what you have to offer, then make the demand of yourself, "I'm going to be me in this relationship. I have this list of things I'd like to create."

Be Honest With Yourself About Your Current Relationships

Look at all the relationships you've created in your life; business, friendships, intimate partners, family, etc.. Lower your barriers, get out of the judgement of yourself and ask questions like “Who am I? Who do I want to speak to?” 

Be willing to hear the feedback that comes with those relationships. For example, does the person treat you in a way that is kind, do they value you, are they using you?

How do you see yourself in that relationship? Ask,

"Where am I in regards to this relationship and where would I like to be? Is it working for me?” If not, “Do I want to stay in this relationship?”

Get clear on what works and be willing to actually demand what works. You don't become a doormat just because you are in relationship. Have conversations and be willing to address what's going on.

If you start to value you, the world will too.

Does It Work?

If you get a no when you ask, "Does it work?" with regards to your current relationship, it doesn't mean you have to leave it. 

Ask, "Can I make this work?" If you get a yes, ask, "Am I willing to do the work to make it work?" 

If it's not easy and fun to do that, do you want to stay in that relationship? It's also not wrong to leave.

Relationships Should Increase Your Value

When you add a relationship to your life, that relationship should be generating more. Relationships should make you excited, make you want to live, make you want to go out and create; they should increase your value and what you are creating.

If they make you want to do the opposite to that, you might want to look at what you are choosing it for. What are you desiring to create with the relationship?

And, it shouldn't cost you; you shouldn't have to give something up to be in a relationship.

This doesn't mean that relationships should be all rainbows all the time.  You are going to have things that come up.

It’s about asking questions and communicating, and being willing to have those conversations.

A Relationship Takes Two People

You also have to look at what you did to create the relationships you currently have. If someone says you are mean, for example, were you being mean? It’s not about making yourself wrong if you were; just acknowledge it and look at what you want to do from there.

When You Value You, Nothing Outside Of You Can Impact You

People say things to you based on how they see you; not on how you are. And, most of that comes from judgement. 

If someone thinks you are mean, all they will see is how you are mean. If someone sees you as kind, all they will see is kind behaviours.

Acknowledge that's how they see you, and that's it.

You also do this with others. You see them through eyes of judgement.

Laugh At What People Say

Don't take what people say to you seriously. A great tool to use is to laugh at what is being said.

Also be aware that if you are with a friend when someone lashes out at you, they will try and align with you; "I can't believe they said that". Tell them it's not an issue and that you find it funny; "That's funny that they think that."

Ask A Question

Another great tool is to ask a question eg what is their agenda? A lot of times they are saying things about you to manipulate and control you.

Call Someone

If something is sticking you, call someone and get them to ask you questions. If you don't buy it, it doesn't stick you.

What Are You Aware Of?

Just because it's there doesn't mean it's true. It doesn't mean something has to be said, and it doesn't mean something needs to be done.

Ask, "What's going on here?" And, sometimes that's enough.

Your Hosts

Paula Peralta 

Christopher Hughes 

Becky Vannes

Justine McKell 

Relationships Done Different

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/relationshipsdonedifferent/ 

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/RelationshipsDoneDifferent/

Website: https://www.relationshipsdonedifferent.com/ 

Book: Relationship, Are You Sure You Want One?

Guest

John Wheeler, Relationships Done Different Facilitator and Access Consciousness Certified Facilitator

John’s Website

John’s Instagram

John’s Facebook 

Useful Links:

Do you react to what your family or culture expects of you? What if you could have peace and ease with saying “No,” when something doesn’t work for you, no matter what other people are choosing?

On this show, your host, Justine McKell, talks with Anaa Abulfaraj from Jedi, Saudi Arabia, who is unmarried at 36 in a culture where family expects a woman to marry. Learn how she uses the tools of Access Consciousness to create ease in this situation rather than go into reaction by fighting their beliefs.

Anaa says it starts with you and your relationship with you, then it spreads to everyone else, shining ease, joy and glory in every step. Using the Access Consciousness tools for relationship is a journey of learning about yourself and everyone else around you.

Keys points from this episode’s conversation

It Starts With Honoring You

The 5 elements of intimacy are honor, trust, allowance, vulnerability and gratitude. Anaa reminds herself of these every day because they give her herself first. When she has that, it is easier to be pragmatic with everyone else. 

One of her favorite tools is honoring herself.

Gary Douglas, the founder of Access Consciousness, says, "We are always fighting against us. Why don't we fight for us?"

What if you started each and every day with honoring you? When you wake up in the morning ask, “How can I honor me today?”; not from a space of separation, but from inclusion. Then, if possible, spend your first hour of the day doing nurturing things just for you. Anaa has found that when you follow this, no matter what goes on in your day, you always have that space of you.

Interesting Point of View

Using the 'interesting point of view’ tool is great for families. It allows you to let them talk and be in allowance of whatever they say, because it’s not about if they are right or wrong; it’s about not going into reaction. 

Be smarter about it. Just let them talk. They don’t want advice or for you to fix anything; they just want to talk. You don't even need to listen, just show them you are interested in what they have to say. How do you be in allowance and not react? In your head say, “Interesting point of view I have this point of view,” as they talk. 

Anaa says you can use interesting point of view for your whole culture. The tool has given her much ease and peace being 36 and not married in Saudi; a culture that has many points of view about that. She says that with this tool, she doesn’t need to fight everyone to have herself.

“No” Is Not A Bad Word

Part of honoring you is being able to say no to others when what they desire doesn’t work for you. Anaa used to say yes to everything because she thought she had to, but this caused her to fight everyone around her. She was doing it out of obligation and was reacting to that because it was not honoring of herself. It was not kind to herself or the other person.

Say “No” with no expectation. If you say “No” when you are in reaction and resistance, it becomes a fight.

If you are willing to say “No” to others, you also have ease when others tell you “No”. You have no sense of wrongness around it. If someone says no, it's about them. It's not rejecting you or saying anything about you. If they say no, it's just a no.

Practise allowance with others telling you “No” by deliberately asking for things you think the person will answer “No” to. How much fun can you have with it?

Put yourself out there with no expectation. When dating, if a man doesn't call you, just ask them. For Justine, the rejection or the not calling back was the hardest thing for her when she was dating. As a result, she would pretend to be what she thought the guys wanted, and answer questions accordingly, rather than being herself on dates.  

Anaa did too.  She used to shut herself down and did everything they wanted; “There was no me”. In receiving a “No” with no expectation, she can be her more.  For example, she used to hide that she traveled because she thought others would judge that. Now that she is being herself, she can talk about all the things that make her happy, including travel.

She can now also say “No” too.  It's not about personal rejection. If you don't say no when you don't want to do something, you are only hurting yourself.  It's about having a great relationship with you. If you can have a great relationship with self, it is easier to be with everyone.

Anaa believes that if she doesn’t have something it's because she didn't ask for it or she is not willing to be it; it's not about bad luck or being a victim. Rather, it opens the door for acknowledging what is so we can do something about it.

Your Hosts

Paula Peralta 

Christopher Hughes 

Becky Vannes

Justine McKell 

Relationships Done Different

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/relationshipsdonedifferent/ 

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/RelationshipsDoneDifferent/

Website: https://www.relationshipsdonedifferent.com/ 

Book: Relationship, Are You Sure You Want One?

Useful Links:

What if you didn't have to divorce you to create an intimate relationship? Most of us cut off parts and pieces of ourselves for our partners, our kids, our colleagues, etc., in all the different ways that we don’t choose us.

On this show, you are treated to the recordings of a recent zoom with the founder of Access Consciousness, Gary Douglas, and Paula Peralta as part of the Divorceless Relationships book club. 

Gary sees guys bend, fold and mutilate themselves to get into a relationship. He sees women bend, fold and mutilate themselves to stay in a relationship. Neither one of them is about "Is this happy? Is this fun?"

Relationships should be fun; not relationshit. Stop divorcing yourself to get into or maintain a relationship.

What would it be like if you gave up your life of misery in favour of a life of fun, joy, happiness, possibilities, choices, questions and contributions? Most people don't even think that way.

Key points from this episode’s conversation

Be You

People think there are certain things they can't share about themselves, and cut that off thinking they can be without it. You can’t.

You can't do without being you.

You can't be without being you.

You can't accomplish without being you.

You can't create without being you.

The Image Of Relationship

This reality portrays relationships as you fall in love and live happily ever after.  Is it the truth or a figment of your imagination?

Relationship is never always easy; you are going to have stormy weather as well as great sailing. You've got to have the ability to sail through life without needing to believe something that is not true.

What Are You Choosing?

To have a good relationship, you need to be aware of what you are choosing and be aware of the possibilities you are not choosing.

When Gary's relationship wasn't working he asked, “What are 8 things that would have to change for this to work for me?" Then he went down the list and asked, "If I ask her to change this, could she do it?”

He discovered that only two of the things on his list she would be able to change, because for the other six, she had decided that was who she was. What if you could create yourself in every moment? What kind of amazing things could you create? What would you choose?

You've got to have choice in relationship and you've got to know you are doing it by choice. The people Gary knows in good relationships, they chose their relationship and they choose it every 10 seconds.

When you can't come to agreement, just move on. That's the way you want to live your life; "You're not going to change my point of view, I'm not going to change your point of view. Let's move on." 

10 Second Increments

If you live in 10 second increments, you're not trying to come to conclusion about what a relationship is.

Gary knew someone who thought their relationship was perfect and didn't want it to change, whereas her husband was having an affair for 2 years and wanted to leave her. The greatest mistake we make is going "This is the most perfect person for me." What makes them the perfect person?

You keep looking for the perfect person to be with as though that creates the perfect relationship. It doesn't. All it creates is the biggest fuck up on planet earth.

What Would You Like In A Relationship?

You have to look at whatyouwant in a relationship, not what other people have. There are people Gary knows who have a great relationship, but he wouldn't want that relationship for himself.

What are you currently choosing with regards to relationships? What would you like to choose?

If you write a list of what you want in a relationship, also list what youdo notwant. When you ask for what you don't desire in a relationship as much as you ask for what you do desire, you will get everything you desire and everything you don't desire won't show up.

If you have a list, get clear on the list and make sure you are asking for what you actually desire. If you are not aware you will ask for something that is exactly the opposite of what you desire. 

Creating A Great Relationship

So often we look at the end game with relationship. For example, “It's perfect, don't touch it,” attitude. But when you are willing to look at your relationship constantly and see what needs to change, it can become greater.  Constantly ask, "How can this get greater?"

It’s not about wrongness.  If Gary sees a weed, he doesn't have the point of view that it's wrong. He has the point of view that it needs to come out.

The Relationship With Your Body

Dressing your body and wearing what your body wants to wear is a contribution to us.

If you listen to your body and you do what it asks, and you dress according to what it desires, you will look better and get more compliments and people will think better of you.

You want people to think better of you, not worse of you.

People dress according to their front side whereas people see you from all aspects, not just the image they are creating. It’s about having an awareness of the effect we have on the world and what invitation we can be, and the willingness to have ease with our relationship with our bodies.

This applies to all relationships. You want to have multiple points of view, rather than just one point of view. Metaphorically sit in a different place and view your relationship.  How is it going, what is it like, what is this going to create, what do you truly want in a relationship, what is going to work for you?

Four Things You Need In A Relationship

There are four things you need in an intimate relationship:

It provides some contribution to your money flows - they either give you money, add money or their presence allows you to make more money. Your partner allows you to do whatever you want to do, the way you want to do it, whenever you want to do it and doesn’t expect you to change. You allow them to do whatever they want to do, whenever they want to do it, the way they want to do it and you don't expect them to change. They are good in bed (if not, bye bye - there's always someone better)

Sex

Ask, "Would this person be fun to have sex with?" Ask it, whether you are going to have sex or not. If you ask it about a friend, you will be freer with them and they will be freer with you. You don't have to have sex; sex is always a choice.

Sex is about receiving; not putting body parts together. When you can have sex with someone, you can receive all of who they are without a judgment. When you can receive all of someone without a judgement they will like you better than other people.

5 Elements Of Intimacy

The 5 Elements of Intimacy are vulnerability, honour, trust, allowance and gratitude.

Vulnerability is putting up no barriers to the other person; you don't have to stop being who you are. Why would you care what people think about you? Very few people actually think good of you, and yet you think they do.

If people use info against you, they are not honouring.

Honour is to treat people with regard, as if they are a good person, on your side to fight life's battles together; not fight life's battles against you.

Trust is trusting that the person will do what they do.  It is also to trust that they will have your back.

Allowance is interesting point of view.

Gratitude: you cannot have gratitude and judgement in the same world. If you spend your time judging you, you cannot function as you; you will be functioning as less than. If you are grateful for someone you will trust they will do the things they do and have allowance for it and have the gratitude of the fact that they live their lives the way they choose.

Do You Really Want A Relationship?

Gary sees people very unhappy in relationships sticking together.

Do you really want a relationship or are you pretending you want one because that is what you are supposed to do; especially if you are a girl? If you are a girl, you are supposed to want one.  If you are a boy you are supposed to be wanted by one.

What Can A Horse Teach You About Relationship?

If a horse is friends with the person they will eat with them.  If they are not, they'll kick them. Why wouldn't you kick the person to the side that is bugging you?

Horses stand head to tail to take care of the flies on each other. That's a different way of being in the world.

Gary trusts his horse. He always asks the horse when he gets on, "Will you take care of me?" If the horse says yes, he gets on. If it says no, he doesn't ride.

Paula wasn’t asking her horse; she would get on and say, “Take care of me." That’s a demand, not a question. How well will that work out? Anyone will meet your demand for a short period of time, but what then?

Your Hosts

Paula Peralta 

Christopher Hughes 

Becky Vannes

Justine McKell 

Relationships Done Different

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/relationshipsdonedifferent/ 

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/RelationshipsDoneDifferent/

Website: https://www.relationshipsdonedifferent.com/ 

Book: Relationship, Are You Sure You Want One?

Useful Links:

Do you focus on all the things your partner doesn’t do, or does ‘bad’? Are you tired, frazzled, cranky or stressed? If you answered yes to either of these, you relationship spark is more likely to be fizzling than sparking.

On this show, your hosts speak about keeping the spark alive in relationship, whether it’s an intimate relationship or a business relationship, or simply the relationship you have with yourself.

You might be surprised that as well as gratitude for your partner and ensuring that you nurture yourself within the relationship, destroying and uncreating your relationship and instilling chaos are also key tools to keep the spark alive.  Listen to this week’s episode to find out more.

Keys points from this episode’s conversation

Have Gratitude For The Small Things

Becky has been married for 27 years and her husband still gives her butterflies when he walks in the room. He is an amazing man and she is so grateful for him. But it wasn’t always like that. Initially, there was a whole lot of nit picking and she was focused on the small things and what she hated about her husband and what got on her nerves. Until she realised that she had to stop doing that and started to focus on what she adored about him and grew it from there.

Gratitude for the small things makes everything grow!

Destroy And Uncreate Your Relationship With Everyone

This also applies to relationships in business. Anyone you work with on a regular basis, you end up with this level of intimacy and you start making assumptions about them; what their preferences are going to be and how they are going to choose things, etc. Once you get into that routine, for some people it becomes maintenance rather than moving the relationship forward.

The greatest gift and tool to keeping it fresh is to destroy and uncreate your relationship with everyone you work with every day - as well as intimate partners, friends and family.  Everything you have decided your relationship is with them, based on yesterday and based on history, erase all of that, so you don’t carry it into what you choose today".

"Everything that my relationship was and everything I have decided it's going to be, I destroy and uncreate it all. Right and wrong, good and bad, POC and POD, all 9, shorts, boys, POVADs and beyonds."

Introduce Chaos Into Your Relationships

Everyone has their agenda, whether they are honest about it or not. They are trying to direct things in a particular way. Every now and again, throw in a wild cad to not following the path 

they are trying to lead you down.  Then they have to step out of their projections and go into question about what is actually occurring and what will be created.

Keeping The Spark Alive With Yourself

It's not about what you need to deliver with this person to keep the spark alive as much as it is about what you require to have the spark alive for you.

So often we look to what's outside of us in relationship conversations.  You've got to start with what works for you; and it may be something that has never existed in the history of relationships before!

You've got to look at what you are bringing to the party, whether your relationship is business or personal. If you're exhausted or tired and cranky and stressed, how much fun is that for the other person? We are all busy people with lots going on and if you are not doing the things that feed you and give you that enthusiasm for living, then you're probably not a whole lot of fun to hang out with.

How do you keep the spark alive with you?

Paula has a lot of businesses that make her money; they are her primary relationships. And they take up a lot of time. Recently, she has made the demand to do something that is fun and is just for her, for at least one hour a day and one day a week.

Being a busy business woman, she originally thought "How can I possibly spend one whole day to myself?"  However, she discovered that the more she actually does that, the more she can deliver in all the other areas; and truly keep the spark alive for yourself. You think you don't have time for yourself, but you actually don't have time to not have time for yourself! You've got to include yourself in the creation of your life.

Becky hasn't been including her body lately, and is now making the demand to. She loves to move, whether it's working out or being in the creation of it. When she gets out and moves and takes time for herself, her molecules are all dancing.

In Divorceless Relationships, Gary Douglas, the founder of Access Consciousness, says to do something for one hour a day and one day a week that nurtures your soul. It doesn't mean you don't do anything; but you can if you choose to. There are other things you can be, do, have, create in that day. What you do on that day is up to you, and can show up in ways you wouldn't expect, such as checking work emails because you know that will create a future that you 

desire. You get to choose. You get to do whatever you want. Ask, 

"What actually would nurture me today?" 

Know When To Stop A Relationship

So often when you are married or in long term relationships, the expectation is that you ‘roll together’; are on the same page and do everything together. Ask, “"Can this person deliver what I desire? and am I capable or desiring to deliver what they are asking for?"

Paula’s friend was in a relationship with someone who didn’t actually want to be in relationship. If she hadn't ended the relationship when she realised this, she would have been continually beating herself against a wall and divorcing more and more of herself to try and keep the spark alive, when she could just go and choose someone that would contribute to her. She would have way more fun and not bend, fold and mutilate herself for something that was not even possible (because he didn’t want a relationship).

Your Hosts

Paula Peralta 

Christopher Hughes 

Becky Vannes

Justine McKell 

Relationships Done Different

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/relationshipsdonedifferent/ 

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/RelationshipsDoneDifferent/

Website: https://www.relationshipsdonedifferent.com/ 

Book: Relationship, Are You Sure You Want One?

Useful Links:

Do you tiptoe around people, trying not to offend, keeping the peace and avoiding conflict and confrontation at the expense of asking for what you want?  If you are able to just say it, not from judgment or attacking, it makes everyone’s life so much easier.

On this show, your hosts speak about having a voice in your relationship, and share tools and anecdotes that you can use to assist you to ask for what you want.

It’s a gift to both the other person and yourself when you are actually willing to say what is for you and ask for what it is you desire.  There is a great relief that comes with that for you, and an ease for the other person in knowing what it actually is that you want.

Keys points from this episode’s conversation

What’s Stopping You?

Oftentimes people are worried that if they say the wrong thing or say what is actually true for them, they might lose the attention of the person they have decided is so valuable; they tiptoe around what it is they actually want because they don't want to lose them or offend them.  If you actually just say it, there is a great relief that comes with it.

People are so averse to conflict and confrontation that they prefer to keep the peace and tiptoe around on eggshells rather than ask for what they want.  It’s a constant worry that you will offend someone or hurt their feelings if you say what it is you desire.  We end up building an imaginary reaction in our head.

The gift in being straightforward and saying what you want is in the elimination of that worry.   It's never what we think; it's always so much easier.  And, how much easier is it for you when you know exactly what your partner desires, rather than trying to read into the subtext of their actions to figure out what their expectations are and guess the subliminal messages? That is the gift to them when you say what you desire. 

What Else Is Possible?

Have the conversation; "This is what I require. I'm noticing that it is not occurring.  Is it possible for  you to do those things or do we need to change the situation?"

It's valuable to be aware of the other person's world; what they can receive and what they can hear. However, it’s not about 'sharing your truth', which is more often than not about sharing judgement.

Look at the person you are talking to and ask, "What can they receive? What can they hear?" and then ask for what you would like from the place of making it about yourself; not what they are doing wrong.  If you are trying to correct their behaviour, you might actually be judging them.

It is also helpful to make the thing or situation outside of your relationship with that person; like looking at something outside of you together, rather than it being a symptom of a bigger problem.

A lot of the time you are dealing with people dynamics rather than the situation or thing itself.  For example, they can be reactionary from things in their past; step back and ask questions and realise it's not personal.

What Have You Decided You Can’t Ask For?

What have you decided you can't ask for that is actually just waiting to be delivered?  It's usually the assumption that you can't ask, that you shouldn't ask, that is stopping you from receiving these things that you want.  So many people live by these strange rules and codes of conduct and we are told at a young age that we can't ask for what we'd like.  There are also all these moments where you feel like you were wrong for asking for what you want as a child.

It's an ongoing adventure to have more of you; it's a process of unlearing.  Ask, "If I was showing up as me today, what would that be like?  If I was to ask for what I wanted, what would that be?"

People are also averse to receiving a “No,” when they ask for what they want.  A great exercise to start having your voice is to practise receiving “No”s by going out and asking 3 or 4 people for something you know they will refuse.  

Your Hosts

Paula Peralta 

Christopher Hughes 

Melanie Meade 

Justine McKell 

Relationships Done Different

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/relationshipsdonedifferent/ 

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/RelationshipsDoneDifferent/

Website: https://www.relationshipsdonedifferent.com/ 

Book: Relationship, Are You Sure You Want One?

Useful Links:

Are you addicted to judgment when it comes to choosing a partner?  Do you normally go for someone who may be great looking but dismisses you or judges your body, etc.?

On this show, your hosts speak about their past dating habits and the topic of ‘untyping’; a 2022 trend to ditch your usual dating ‘type’ and start looking beyond it.

Until you start to explore outside your usual dating type, you won’t even be able to see the other people who are available for you; and who are possibly a lot kinder and more capable of a healthy, nurturing relationship.

Is it time to get vulnerable with yourself and start paying attention to who you are actually attracting and dismissing with your ‘type’?

Keys points from this episode’s conversation

Are You Looking For Validation?

Christopher Hughes realises now that he used to look for guys that weren’t really interested in him, so he could be rejected; until he met someone who was different.  He was looking for the validation from other people’s attention that he had value, yet he didn’t actually believe he had value himself so he attracted people who mirrored that to him. 

It's almost like we are looking for these partners to heal something in us that we think is wrong. Stop and take an honest and vulnerable look at yourself.  Are you really such a terrible person?  Focus on the joy of who you are rather than the burden of who you are; “I have value here. I am not the conglomeration of judgements I have of me.”

It take practise.

Are You Actually Willing To Receive Kindness?

This is another area to get really vulnerable and honest with yourself, because judgment is so familiar, we can be more comfortable with others judging us than being kind to us. Are you willing to receive kindness? Are you willing for someone to adore you? Because a lot of us aren’t trained to receive.

It does take courage because it can be uncomfortable if you are not familiar with people treating you kindly.  Is it time to step outside your comfort zone and out of your usual ‘typing’ and try something different?

You've got to start investing your time with the people who honour you, see the value of you and don't judge you.

Winners, Losers, No Counts

Winners are those people you want to get together with and who usually dismiss or judge you. There is something that you idealise about them, like their looks or being great at sports, etc.  You feel like a winner because when you get together with them because of the attribute that you are idealising, but you don’t pay attention to things like kindness being missing; so is it actually a win?

Losers are those people that you judge and as a result don’t want to have anything to do with.

No counts are the ones who don’t fall into either of the above categories and as such are usually ignored by you.  They are most likely to be the ones who will be kind to you, as they dont’ judge you.

Until you explore outside of the 'winners' you can’t actually see that it is possible for you to have an amazing relationship.

Does List Writing Work?

Justine McKell used to write lists, and she realised they were mainly centered around physical attributes.  Physical attributes have nothing to do with who they are as a person, or creating a life, or someone who is actually going to be nice to you, take care of you and be kind to you; someone who can actually see you, and contribute to you.  It’s more of a projection onto the person of what they are going to be in your life, and nothing to do with who they are and what capacity they have to be in a healthy honest kind relationship.

If you do write lists of what you would like in a partner, also take a look at what shows up with regards to that list.  You will start to notice where you reject people.

Your Hosts

Paula Peralta 

Christopher Hughes 

Melanie Meade 

Justine McKell 

Relationships Done Different

Instagram

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Website

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Have you ever had sex with someone where there was an expectation of performance; eg “You did this with my body so I need to do that with your body?” etc.  It's no fun and there is little to no benefit in it.

On this show, your hosts speak about the topic of friends with benefits, beyond a transaction; both in the carnal connection sense and within other friendships where the benefits are more about contribution on a different level.  

Keys points from this episode’s conversation

Does It Work For You?

Outside of the carnal connections, 'friends with benefits' is an invitation to look at all your friendships, and whether or not they actually work for you and are creating greater eg who are your friends, do they contribute to you, do you contribute to them?

For each relationship - friends, work colleagues, etc. - get really honest about whether it invites you to more of you or not, whether it works for you or your business or your life, and whether it creates greater in your life.

What if all of our friendships could be these brilliant creationships that contribute to each other, where you create more?  What are your friends doing that is inspiring to you? What do you know that you can contribute to them?

The ultimate benefit with your friends is to make sure that everyone is winning!

Mixed Relationships

Most of the times when you mix business and friendships and they come into difficulty, there is some sort of expectation that wasn't really communicated. For example, they may function a certain way in the friendship and there was an uncommunicated expectation that that would cross over into the business and it didn't.

A great question to ask that will save a lot of heartache is, 'Will this work?"  That and clear communication are essential before entering into a business relationship with friends - you may adore them as a friend but it may not work with ease in business.

And again, you need to be honest with yourself.  It’s not, “Do I want this to work?” it’s, “Will this work?”

Transactional Realities

In this reality, people tend to go to 'tit for tat'. That is what we refer to as a transactional reality in Access Consciousness, where you create a reality with somebody based on a transaction that occurs between you and what you think you are owed and what you think you are obliged to do based on each other’s actions.

Most people do contribution because they feel theyhave tocontribute to pay for something they've already got or something they want; which is very different to just receiving, where you enjoy the gift of it and it enriches your life.

What if you could contribute to one another and contribute to the world we want to live in and never expect what we are going to get in return?

How do you function outside of a transactional reality? You have to create a new reality.

When you truly gift something to someone and they receive it, it's an immediate gifting back to you. The gift you receive back is the energy you created and the gratitude that ensues.

In carnal connections, the more you are willing to gift without an expectation of receiving, you actually receive well above and beyond what you would have received if it was transactional; the gifting inspires something that takes people to another level.

In friendship, it's never this linear thing of “Here's what I contribute and here's what you contribute;” it's knowing that you are both a contribution when you are both showing up, and it's the joy you receive when you see your friends receive contribution.

 The Greatness Of You

Once you are willing to receive the greatness of you, more shows up everywhere. That's what allows us to be so excited for people when we see them receiving; the willingness to acknowledge that it shows up for you as well and asking for it, "I'll have that too!"  Half of the fights would no longer be relevant if people looked at things that way.

What if the world was a little more contributory? And, what if it was a contribution just to receive?

Daily Questions 

Your Hosts

Paula Peralta 

Christopher Hughes 

Melanie Meade 

Justine McKell 

Relationships Done Different

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/relationshipsdonedifferent/ 

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/RelationshipsDoneDifferent/

Website: https://www.relationshipsdonedifferent.com/ 

Book: Relationship, Are You Sure You Want One?

Useful Links:

There are many points of view around doing business with a partner you are in an intimate relationship with, ie your ‘Honey’, one of the most prevalent being that you should never do business with an intimate partner. What if nothing ever meant you should never do it again? What if instead, you asked a question and followed your awareness in each circumstance?

The difference between a relationship and a creationship is that a creationship allows you to create greater, no matter what the circumstances.

On this show, your hosts speak about the potential pitfalls of doing business with your honey. Listen to their personal experiences in this area, and the tools they used to create more ease.

Keys points from this episode’s conversation

Melody & Harmony

One of the potential pitfalls of doing business with your honey is when you disagree on something in the business.  Work out whose choice and decision is the trump card in different areas.  If they have more knowledge and experience in a particular area, will it create greater to concede to their choices in this area?

Recognise who is driving things forward (Melody) and who harmonizes with that choice and adds to it.  Acknowledge where each other is strong and where you can contribute to the other person being even stronger; “You have an awareness of something I don’t, you run with it.”

Honor Your Partner

Honor your partner by acknowledging their choices that are different to yours, and trusting that they are going to create more.  Trust that everything will work out in the long term.

Also, allow them the freedom and the space to fail.  If it's an area they feel strongly about, let them choose; let them make their own mistakes and develop their own awareness.

Don’t Make It All About The Business

Another potential pitfall is that all conversations become about the business; when you’re at home, when you are out to dinner, etc.  Create some space just for the relationship, such as ‘date night’.

Nurture The Relationship You Have With Yourself

Look after the relationship you have with yourself in regards to the relationship you have with you in business.  Value yourself.

Your lifeisyour business.  What brings you joy, what creates more in your life, and what adds to it?

The Success Or Failure Of The Business Doesn’t Mean Anything to The Relationship

Just because a business fails doesn't mean the relationship fails. It doesn't mean anything for the relationship; the relationship can still be glorious.

Likewise, the business can be really successful and that doesn't mean your relationship is going to be great. It doesn't mean anything about you, them, your life, the business… It’s just an experience you are going into together. They are two separate things that we tend to bring together and not know where one starts and stops.

Ask questions like, "Is this going to work?"

Daily Questions 

Your Hosts

Paula Peralta 

Christopher Hughes 

Melanie Meade 

Justine McKell 

Relationships Done Different

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/relationshipsdonedifferent/ 

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/RelationshipsDoneDifferent/

Website: https://www.relationshipsdonedifferent.com/ 

Book: Relationship, Are You Sure You Want One?

 Useful Links:

Have you ever said, or been told, “We need to talk, within your relationship” It’s that dreaded time when you just know something's wrong and, likely, the relationship breaks up soon after.

On this show, your hosts speak about break ups. Break ups don't need to be messy. What if it could be as easy as knowing when you're done with your dinner?

The tools you use to create a relationship that works for you can also be used to navigate a break up with ease. You don’t have to do messy and dramatic. Listen to Justine and Melanie for tools and tips you can apply straight away.

Keys points from this episode’s conversation

Are We Done?

How often do you try to force things to keep going for reasons such as loneliness or you are too old to be finding someone else?

You actually know when it's time for a relationship to end, but a lot of us try to keep it going beyond that; you think the safety of what you have trumps the adventure of finding what would make you more alive, and inviting people into your lives that are more congruent with where you're going.

Trust that awareness that you have and address the break up before it hits. A great question to ask is, “Are we done?  Have we done everything we were meant to do together?”  It's not cold and callous.  

Is There Something Wrong With Me?

When a relationship breaks up,often people get stuck in thoughts like, “What did I do wrong for the relationship to not continue? Is there something wrong with me?”  There is a stigma with the person who is left.

Just because a relationship has broken up, doesn't mean you are broken.  No, it's just done.  You're not wrong at all; you're not broken.

Have Gratitude For Your Ex

Acknowledge the gift that your ex was in your life and remember the good times together, instead of going, "He was such an asshole, he did this and this."  Nobody can do anything to you.

Every communication we have, we get something from it.  It was a choice you made.  And, at some stage there was something that did it for you.  

And, you are not responsible or the trigger for what they do.

Give Yourself Time To Process

When you handle your shit, greater things show up. Give yourself some time to get over your ex, but don't extend it to a year.  If it's off, it's off.

You process it, you shift it, allow yourself to have a look at it, and then you move on.  It doesn't have to be perfect though.  Don't try to find the ‘right’ process.  Nobody has the awarenesses that you have.

A lot of things that show up are inexplicable, but we try to attach meaning to it.

Ask, “What is it, what can I do with it, can I change it, if so how?”

Give yourself a break; don't beat yourself up.  Enjoy the process. If you are angry or crying, turn it up and enjoy it.  Allow it out and just move on.

The universe always has your back.  Things always turn out better; even though it doesn't seem like it when you are in the middle of it.

Don’t Stop Creating Your Life

Make sure you do something you would love to do. Don't stop creating your life just because you are not with that person.  Use this time to reevaluate your life.  What is it you really want to do?  Were you choosing things because that's what your ex wanted?

Really look at what is true for you and step into more.

Daily Questions 

Your Hosts

Paula Peralta 

Christopher Hughes 

Melanie Meade 

Justine McKell 

Relationships Done Different

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/relationshipsdonedifferent/ 

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/RelationshipsDoneDifferent/

Website: https://www.relationshipsdonedifferent.com/ 

Book: Relationship, Are You Sure You Want One?

Useful Links:

No matter what relationship you are in, there come times when you have to navigate different points of views.

On this show, the hosts speak about mixed marriages.  A mixed marriage is anywhere you and your partner come from totally different points of view and background and are different in what you choose and value.  

 Whether you are in a mixed marriage or not, there is going to come a time where there will be a discrepancy in opinions; it's going to happen, what do you want to choose? How much peace do you want to have? Or do you want to have the drama and the conflict?  Neither is right or wrong; it's just a choice. What possibilities haven't you considered?

Listen to the discussion for tools and tips to navigate differing points of view in your own relationships. 

Keys points from this episode’s conversation

What Does Being Right Create?

In times of disagreement, it's easy to go "I'm right," but there is no peace or freedom in that.  Would you rather be right or free? What is being right going to create? What is going to create the greatest?

 And, some people just really love conflict. That's where you have to be really honest with yourself.  It's not wrong, and, there's an easier way.

What If Agreeing to Disagree & Tolerance Are Not The Answer?

When you agree to disagree, it has this energy of tolerating each other and the topic becomes ‘off limits’, but it's still there festering. Tolerance is like saying, "That's okay," but it’s actually not. It has a level of superiority to it, that doesn’t work in relationships long term

 Rather than tolerate it, what if you could honor and respect that they have a different choice, and don't try to make them wrong for it or try and talk them around to your point of view.

The 5 Elements of Intimacy

 The 5 elements of intimacy - allowance, trust, gratitude, vulnerability and honor - is one tool for dealing with conflict or differences in a way that works: 

What Am I Not Willing To Receive?

 It can be difficult to receive what's good about you from another. Your partner doesn’t have the judgment of your body that you do, or the points of view about you that you do; they actually just adore you. Creating fights can be a way to push them away or remain separate to them in some way; it's all about annihilating the intimacy that is possible. Asking questions will start to unravel that separation.  Ask, "What am I not willing to receive from them?"

Daily Questions 

Your Hosts

Paula Peralta 

Christopher Hughes 

Melanie Meade 

Justine McKell

Relationships Done Different

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/relationshipsdonedifferent/ 

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/RelationshipsDoneDifferent/

Website: https://www.relationshipsdonedifferent.com/ 

Book: Relationship, Are You Sure You Want One?

Useful Links:

If you make it about the money, it will never work. At the end of the day, you have to look at “Are you having fun?" Not only does that make for a greater relationship, money actually follows joy. 

On this show, the hosts speak about contribution and gratitude in relationships as opposed to looking at who does and doesn’t earn what. If you go beyond the money, it becomes more about creationship.

Listen to the hosts’ relationship examples to gain a greater awareness of having gratitude for the contribution you and your partner be, beyond money, and creating the life you desire together. 

Keys points from this episode’s conversation

What Does Contribution Look Like In Relationship? 

The contribution side of who is contributing what isn't necessarily about where the most money is earned.  Look at what the person is contributing to the whole.  And it's not just about what your partner chooses to do within the relationship, it's the energy they are that adds something different and allows you to go further, faster.

 When you make it about the money, and traditional gender roles you are limiting what you can create together.  Start to question what you may have been taught in this area; "Does this work for me? Is this the relationship I want to create for me?"  Sometimes it does and sometimes it doesn’t. 

 There are so many different ways to negotiate this and create contribution within relationships. Look at where you and your partner are contributing in other ways - anything from being a great lover, to cooking, cleaning, looking after the kids; so many other things - and have gratitude for them. For example, would you have the same ease if your partner didn’t contribute to keeping the house clean, etc.?  

If you are determined to hold onto the traditional gender roles in your relationship dynamics, what does that create?  Would it create more ease to let them go?

What Do You Want To Create As Your Life?  

Have a look at what you want to create as your life.  It’s not about falling into roles because a role needed to be filled.  Nor is it about just rolling with what is at the time.  You have to create your life.  Ask, "What would I like to create as my life?" and choose towards creation. And you don’t both have to be on the same page.  When you are both choosing to create your life as greater, it becomes a creationship.  It's about what can you both contribute to creating the future you know is possible?

And, it doesn't matter how long the relationship lasts, the creationship is so much what makes relationships fun!  "What can we create? What would be fun?  What are our strengths? What can we create together as we are moving through life?"  Without that, it's boring

How Did Your Parents Do Money In Relationship?  

Are you creating the same in your relationships that your parents did? Or are you creating to not do what your parents did? With either one, you are not truly choosing something that works for you. You are either rejecting something or aligning and agreeing with something to create a reality that is not even yours.

What if you stopped and had a look at your relationship and ask, "Does behaving in this way actually really work for me?"

Daily Questions 

Your Hosts

Paula Peralta 

Christopher Hughes 

Melanie Meade 

Justine McKell 

Relationships Done Different

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/relationshipsdonedifferent/ 

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/RelationshipsDoneDifferent/

Website: https://www.relationshipsdonedifferent.com/ 

Book: Relationship, Are You Sure You Want One?

Useful Links:

Having the 5 Elements of Intimacy, which are allowance, gratitude, vulnerability, trust and honor, with yourself and with others makes relationships so much easier.  

On this show, the hosts speak more on two of the elements of intimacy, trust and honor, and how all of the elements intertwine and work together to create greater in relationships; rather than just ‘tick the box’ of having a relationship.

Once you go beyond how relationships ‘should’ look and how it ‘should’ be, it becomes so freeing; you get to explore it in a different way and discover what it could be.  You get to discover what works for you and what you could create together.  

Listen to the hosts’ relationship examples to gain a greater awareness of how you can apply these elements within your own relationships.  If you have the 5 Elements of Intimacy, especially with yourself, you get to create anything at all. 

Keys points from this episode’s conversation

What Is Trust? 

Most people think trust is having blind faith; that the person you trust has your back.  This may or may not be true, however, in Access Consciousness, the concept of trust is actually knowing that someone will do what they are going to do.  Expecting them to do otherwise is not kind or honoring and just causes stress for you.

When you make a lot of decisions about people rather than trusting they will do what they do, when it goes off track from your expectations, you feel like you've been let down.

Trust invites you to your awareness.  If you are willing to have your awareness, you can go into the relationship with eyes wide open and create something that actually works for you.  Then it's not about the boundaries and the “Will he/she/they? Won't he/she/they?”

Most people use trust to annihilate their awareness.  "I can trust this person." That is not trust but blind faith.  When you say that, you are limiting what you truly know about the person and what they will or will not choose.

Are you going into your relationships with blinkers on or blinkers off?  What are they actually going to choose and what works for you?

Go With What You Know  

How often do you listen to what you really know? Or do you just blindly go in anyway and hope it all works out okay?

Most people ignore their knowing rather than trust it.  For example, if you have been divorced, did you know the rel was not going to work out beforehand?  Trust you and what you know.

You are aware of what you are aware of, but oftentimes you don't trust it or you forsake it. Ask, “What do I know is actually going to occur in this relationship?"  When you are willing to acknowledge it, you can change it.  It empowers you to have a conversation with your partner, a conversation with yourself, your coworker or whatever, and start to make choices that will work for both of you and create greater for both of you.

When You Don’t Trust Others  

When you don't trust other people and are afraid they will do something to you, what is it that you don't trust about yourself? A lot of time we project our behaviors on to other people who might not actually ever do that.

Have a look at where you think you might do that behavior, or where you judge that behavior as wrong, or where you are not willing to be or do that behavior for yourself.

If we don't trust ourselves and don't trust that people are going to choose what they are going to choose, you go into all the trauma and drama and upset of relationship.  This is when you say things like, 'I can't believe you did that," and you get really mad at them, etc.

If you truly get that people really do choose what they choose, you get to see that it's not against you or it’s not to prove a point; it's just who they be. Often there is no reason; they just choose it because they can.

It's not about understanding why someone did something; most people don't even have a clue - they can't even explain why they chose what they chose, it's just what they chose in the moment.  When you don't go to the why, it's so much easier.

What Is Honor?   

Within the context of Access Consciousness, honor is to treat someone with regard.  With honor, you don't have the point of view that things should be different; you honor it for what it is, you acknowledge it for what it is and allow it to just be.

Honor is going, "Cool, that's what you want?  Here;" rather than trying to change their point of view to be the same as you.

The 5 Elements of Intimacy Are All Intertwined 

The 5 Elements of intimacy all melt into one another - it all works together and makes relationships so much easier; where you struggle with one, the others assist you to work through it and see ways that you can actually have so much more.

For example, vulnerability allows you to see what is true for you, then you get to trust what is true for you.  When you are willing to trust people to choose what they are going to choose, you are never surprised by what they choose, so it's easier to honor them and be interesting point of view for what they are choosing.

How Do You Trust And Honor Yourself?   

Trusting yourself is knowing that you are going to choose what you are going to choose, and honoring yourself is not trying to change that, or yourself, for someone else.  Instead of making yourself wrong for things, give yourself some allowance and permission and honor that you are going to choose what you are going to choose, and giddyup!  It makes your life so much easier.

Daily Questions 

Tools 

Everywhere you don't have the 5 Elements of Intimacy with yourself, would you be willing to let it all go, and what can you do to choose that and have more allowance, gratitude, vulnerability, trust and honor with yourself? 

Your Hosts

Paula Peralta 

Christopher Hughes 

Melanie Meade 

Justine McKell 

Relationships Done Different

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/relationshipsdonedifferent/ 

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/RelationshipsDoneDifferent/

Website: https://www.relationshipsdonedifferent.com/ 

Book: Relationship, Are You Sure You Want One?

Useful Links:

 Different countries have different traditions for Valentine’s Day, nevertheless, it can be a contentious issue anywhere.  Is it a celebration of love or a day that highlights how single and miserable you are?  

In this show, our four hosts discuss what Valentine’s day means for them and present you with some simple tools to enjoy Valentine’s day no matter what your relationship status.

Keys points from this episode’s conversation

What If Nothing Was Wrong With You? 

A lot of people desperately seeking a partner will go to that place where they think the reason they don’t have a partner is because there is something wrong with themselves.  What if it wasn't about changing or fixing anything about you? What if you could, instead, have allowance for you?  Allowance is having no point of view; where nothing is wrong with you and nothing is right with you, and everything just is.  When you have that equanimity, there is so much peace in your world.

Having Gratitude For Yourself Is Key

If you don't have gratitude for yourself, it’s hard for someone else to have that towards you.  Gratitude grows things and you can’t have judgment in gratitude.  Start with baby steps - not going to the wrongness, stopping it every time you find yourself doing that and replacing it with, “I am grateful for me.”  Things change and move so fast.  Enjoy every moment you have, whether it’s being single or with someone else.

Sometimes You Have To Do A Little Bit Of Looking Inward

This reality tells us to look for someone who will complete us; as if you are in some way lacking without a partner.  In actuality, you've got to be willing to give yourself whatever it is you think you lack.  What are you not willing to receive?  If you look to a partner to provide everything for you, that’s a lot of pressure.  If you are in a relationship, is that sustainable? If you are not, is it attractive? 

Allowance

We tend to get so fixed in the way we look at relationship - how things ‘should’ be instead of seeing the difference of everyone and how they actually add to our lives.

Vulnerability

Vulnerability is the willingness to be present with and look at everything, and just receive it all with no point of view.  It is a very seductive quality. The willingness to have no point of view invites people into your life who are willing to receive you with no judgment. 

Vulnerability opens the door to so much receiving and a much more vivid experience of actually being alive; you are receptive to everything and everything that comes into your life is more intense. You can change a lot in the world when you are willing to look at what is true for you.

The unwillingness to be vulnerable cutts yourself off from you and from your receiving 

Vulnerability in relationships is where nothing about you or your partner is right or wrong.  Everything is just information. It takes away what you think things should be, allowing you to look at them in a different way. It also removes all the walls and barriers that you had up, creating a space for more intimacy. Magic can show up when you are willing to no longer have any walls and barriers up.

Who Does It Belong To?

If you are feeling lonely on Valentine’s Day,  is it actually yours?  We are all so aware.  Are you actually picking up on someone else’s feelings?  Ask, “Who does it belong to?”  

This reality places a whole lot of significance on Valentine’s Day and having someone who loves you.  And if you don't, what does that mean? Is any of that actually your point of view, or is it just the culture you are in?  You are told you need to care about it, but do you actually care about it?

You are aware of all the different points of view around you, such as “You need a man” - but is that actually your point of view?

Do You Actually Want A Relationship?

If you say you want a relationship and you don't have one, you don't actually want a relationship.  You've got to be willing to look at that in order to change it.

What If Your Fixed Point Of View Wasn’t Actually True?

If you don't get what you wanted on Valentine’s Day eg the right number of flowers, is your relationship doomed? What could be different if you no longer had any fixed points of view?

For those of you looking for a relationship, it is noteworthy that fixed points of view about relationship and the ‘right’ partner can actually be why you are staying single.  When someone comes into your life who actually could contribute and form a relationship, they may not match the projection you have of what you think a relationship is supposed to be, so you reject it and them.

Get Clear On What You Desire

Make a list of what you want and also what you don't want in a relationship.  It’s not about what they should look like, etc., but the energy of what you desire, such as kindness, thoughtful, and so on.  

This list assists you to get really clear on the energy of what you desire, and the clarity assists in creating and attracting it.  Being clear on what you don't want also helps you get more present with what it is you actually desire.

With every item on your list, ask, “Where am I not willing to be that for me?”

Daily Questions 

Your Hosts

Paula Peralta 

Christopher Hughes 

Melanie Meade 

Justine McKell 

Relationships Done Different

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Book: Relationship, Are You Sure You Want One?

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The Clearing Statement explained

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What Does Relationships Done Different Mean? 

Have you spent your whole life trying to figure out what relationship is all about? There actually is no right way, or ideal way, to do relationship. What if your relationship didn't have to look like anyone else's?  Relationships done different is about creating all your relationships in a way that works for you.

Relationship Killers: Expectation, Judgment & Completion  

A lot of time, people spend their life seeking relationships - friendships, intimate relationships, having children - only to find out that when they actually achieve that, it is not what they expected; it’s wonderful (or not), and there are challenges. 

Expectation stops the adventure of exploring what else is possible. And, when expectations aren’t met, it kills relationships.

When you meet other people, they also have expectations of you. When you don't meet those, they tend to judge you because you don't have it 'right'. A great tool in these circumstances is to flip it by asking questions; it enables you to look at yourself from a different place to whatever their projections are of you.

The other aspect of seeking a relationship is that once you are in one, you’re done; you’ve achieved your goal, so there is a sense of completion rather than continuation.  That sense of being done stops creation and growth. Relationship should be a contribution to your life; an addition, not a completion.  You can still continue to create something different even after you 'tick the box', you can still grow, learn and have fun, by continuing to ask questions.  A great question to ask is, “What else is possible here?”

Relationship Tools: Gratitude, Creationship.  

Gratitude is the most powerful and overlooked tool. You can change anything with gratitude.  One of the biggest killers of relationship is judgment; it really erodes the possibilities that are available in relationship.  Whereas, in the face of gratitude, judgment cannot exist. Taking the time to have gratitude for the people you are in relationship with is a great tool against the routine of life, where you tend to forget it.  

Another great tool is the idea of creationship, where you keep creating together as opposed to that sense of completion or routine.  It is a constant exploration, which is far more fun and generative than trying to get the perfect relationship.

Maintaining Fun & Play In A Relationship.  

The dirty dishes are never actually the issue; they are a symptom of something else that is going on.  To avoid this, you need to be willing to be really vulnerable together and totally honest with each other without being confrontational, and say what is going on in your world, what's up for you.  The niggly things that you tend to nag about kill the fun and the joy in the everyday.

Let the dirty dishes be the dirty dishes.

Remember why you like this person.  Ask, "What is the overall contribution this person is to my life?"

Take a moment to actually be together. So many relationships these days get into a rut of sitting together and mindlessly scrolling on their phones, rather than actually engaging together.

Managing Multiple Relationships In A Busy Life. 

When you have a business and a family and a partner and are very busy, the key is to stop making yourself wrong.  Eliminate the guilt that can occur with things like working rather than playing with your kids, or when multitasking when you're with them.  Nobody has relationship right. Whatever you are doing, really enjoy it and be in the moment. Don’t spend the time you do have with your partner or kids worrying about your ‘to do’ list. 

Clarity Creates.   

Get clear on what it is you would like to create, move forward, live your life, and just allow those energies or those people to show up for you.

Write down the different areas of your life where you would like to create greater eg body, relationship, sex, etc. and list all of the things you actually desire in each of those areas, not from judgment, but to get clarity on what will contribute to the creation of your life.

It starts with you.  Anywhere you are not willing to be anything for you, you can't really invite into your life. 

Daily Questions