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The weekly Ross o'Carroll-Kelly column in audio, read by Paul Howard.
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- 537 - ‘We’ve no idea what caused the fire. And we’re sticking to that story’
Sorcha is flirting with the fireman while the focking house is on fire, but there’ll be focking war if she finds out about the fireworks
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Fri, 08 Nov 2024 - 6min - 536 - ‘People in the crowd are staring at Honor like she’s a cold sore on debs night’
So I’m standing with Honor at the junction of Foster Avenue and the N11 and we’re watching people pass us by with agony, I don’t know, etched all over their faces? Yeah, no, JP is running the Dublin City Marathon and I’ve turned up to cheer him on, as well as – obviously – the rest of the field.
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Fri, 01 Nov 2024 - 5min - 535 - ‘The thought of booking a table for one at Shanahan’s on the Green got me through my prison sentence’
Hennessy Coghlan-O’Hara rings me. Which is a rare enough occurrence. On the four, maybe five, occasions it’s happened, it’s been to ask me to retrieve the Go Bag that he insists on storing in our attic and to drive him to Dublin Airport.
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Sat, 26 Oct 2024 - 6min - 534 - JP is staring at me like I’ve said I’m really enjoying his old dear’s OnlyFans account
JP says Chloe is writing a novel based on her college days. He’s like, “She’s hoping to do for DBS what Sally Rooney did for Trinity.”
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Fri, 18 Oct 2024 - 6min - 533 - ‘A threesome?’ Sorcha goes. ‘Why would you think I’d be into having a threesome?’
Sorcha asks if the beef is from a regenerative form and I end up having to look away. Seriously, you can’t bring her anywhere.
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Fri, 11 Oct 2024 - 6min - 532 - ‘Things have changed since you were at school, Sorcha,’ the old man goes. ‘We recognise that traditional media is our enemy now’
Hennessy, the old man and Honor are sitting around the island, looking as thick as thieves. Which is exactly what they are.
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Fri, 04 Oct 2024 - 6min - 531 - The competition gets under way. The entrants are each told to remove a sock and put it in the pint glass in front of them
Driving through the gates of University College Dublin (UCD) brings back one or two memories. Not that I spent much time in the place when I did the Sports Man Dip course back in the day.
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Mon, 30 Sep 2024 - 6min - 530 - ‘Your father is a moral eunuch, Ross. Those aren’t my words. That was a main finding of the Mahon tribunal’
So we’re in Morton’s of Ranelagh, doing the big shop, when we run into Rebecca Leahy, the old dear of Honor’s classmate Diva Leahy. Actually, she and Sorcha both reach for the last punnet of kumquats in the shop and I watch Sorcha’s body shape change to fight mode until Rebecca goes, “Sorcha! How are you? Oh my God, look at you! You must weigh nothing!”
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Fri, 20 Sep 2024 - 6min - 529 - The porty invitations were returned with the words, ‘Honor O’Carroll-Kelly? Are you focking kidding me?’
I‘ve always worried about Honor – from the time she emerged from her mother’s womb and gave a “fock you” look to the midwife who slapped her orse.
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Fri, 13 Sep 2024 - 6min - 528 - A lot of things are storting to make sense, including the violin case Leo carries around with him like a Chicago gangster
Leo’s music teacher, Mrs Gordon, says that Leo has a genuine gift for music and I’m thinking that I need this like Ranelagh needs more launderettes with performance spaces.
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Fri, 06 Sep 2024 - 6min - 527 - ‘Our daughter is nothing like Donald Trump, Sorcha – aport from the tan and the vengefulness’
It’s, like, the first day back at school for Honor and she eats her muesli with the quiet, steely-eyed intensity of me doing my traditional 500 sit-ups on the first morning of the Six Nations Championship.
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Fri, 30 Aug 2024 - 6min - 526 - Sorcha knows my game. She can read me like the instructions on an airplane vomit bag
It’s true what they say – travel really does broaden the mind. And even though I’ve never seen the point of having loads of knowledge in my head when pretty much everything is available on the internet, you can still end up learning things when you go abroad whether you like it or not.
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Fri, 23 Aug 2024 - 6min - 525 - It’s a miracle Sorcha’s old man has never killed me, though he did buy me a plot in Shanganagh Cemetery for my 40th
Sorcha says this is the worst thing I’ve ever done to her. It’s not the worst thing I’ve ever done to her. It’s not even in the top 10. But I don’t think it’s going to help my case if I stort running through some of my greatest hits.
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Fri, 16 Aug 2024 - 6min - 524 - ‘Are you aware that your children are Protestants now?’
So — yeah, no — Oisínn has landed himself an unbelievably cushy job. As a matter of fact, I have to ask him to repeat himself because I presumeI’ve, like, misheard him?
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Fri, 09 Aug 2024 - 6min - 523 - How do you become a Protestant? ‘You have to drink the blood of a Sussex chicken on Dalkey Island under a gibbous moon’
Alice says that was a very interesting reading by me the other morning. She says she’s never heard the story of the Prodigal Son told in that way before.
I’m there, “You mean all the different voices?”
She goes, “The voices, yes – but also the sound effects.”
I’m there, “I wanted to, you know, put a bit of welly into it for the audience. I was a bit of a showman in my rugby days. I think what we’re finding out is that it’s a quality that never really leaves you,” and I give her a big, leathery wink....
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Sat, 03 Aug 2024 - 6min - 522 - Honor has picked a theme for her year as Mount Anville head girl: ‘Vengeance’
I’ve never been one of those parents. You know the kind I’m talking about. Their kid does a poo for the first time sitting on a toilet and they’re taking out an ad in The Irish Times to announce the news. It’s genuinely rare that I find myself in a position to say – like I did on Friday – that I’m proud of one of my children. Honor has now completed exactly half of her community service hours for vandalising hundreds of SUVs across south Dublin. I know it’s a low bor that I’ve set for her, but here we are.
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Fri, 26 Jul 2024 - 6min - 521 - ‘Protestants are not that much different from us. I mean, they’re definitely less craic, but they get sh*t done’
I’m not usually one of those, what I like to call Flat White Wankers, but that’s what I’m drinking this morning, sitting outside the Happy Out Café on the seafront in Dún Laoghaire.
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Fri, 19 Jul 2024 - 6min - 520 - ‘What’s on offer,’ she goes, smiling, ‘is eternal life,’ and I do believe she’s flirting
Leo is the first of us to get restless. He goes, “Oh my God, this is so boring!” and this is in the middle of the Protestant equivalent of, like, Mass?
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Fri, 12 Jul 2024 - 6min - 519 - ‘Ross, it’s not just a case of filling out a form and – hey, presto – you’re a Protestant’
If getting Brian, Johnny and Leo into a new school means changing my religion and getting up on Sunday mornings, then I’ll do it
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Fri, 05 Jul 2024 - 6min - 518 - Honor goes, ‘I was into Taylor Swift before, like, anyone?’
Christian is sitting at our usual table in 3fe on Sussex Terrace and I can tell instantly that something is up. When you’ve played ten to someone’s twelve, you can have no secrets from each other. Fact of rugby, fact of life.
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Fri, 28 Jun 2024 - 6min - 517 - Sorcha goes, ‘You had an erotic dream – about my mom?’
So I’m in the cor with Sorcha and we’re on the way to Clonskeagh to collect Brian, Johnny and Leo from school. Yeah, no, they’re finishing up today and we’re bringing them out for lunch to say fair focks to them for going another year without being expelled. Like most south Dublin parents, we set a very low bor for our children.
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Fri, 21 Jun 2024 - 6min - 516 - Sorcha refuses to meet my eye. And I don’t blame her – setting up her own daughter like this
It’s the old Jonny Bell that hits me first – a combination of bacon, cheese and Tom Ford Portofino that comes wafting up the stairs and under the bedroom door looking for me.
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Fri, 14 Jun 2024 - 6min - 515 - ‘I want it gone, Ross. I want you to get it lasered off’
So – yeah, no – I’m mowing the back gorden with my top off again, portly to showcase the work I’ve been doing in the gym since the stort of January, and portly to see how long it takes for it to become an item of discussion on the Dalkey Open Forum
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Fri, 07 Jun 2024 - 6min - 514 - Honor and Liesel are both smiling and it’s like driving towards a cor with its lights on full beam. I end up having to turn away
The school concert hall is absolutely rammers this afternoon. We’re talking, like, 1,000 students and parents crammed between the walls to hear the result of the election for Mount Anville Head Girl for 2024-2025 and I haven’t seen Honor looking so pleased with herself since the time she swapped her old dear’s hair conditioning mask for Veet.
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Fri, 31 May 2024 - 6min - 513 - ‘Goys – it’s time that I got the tattoo’
It’s Friday afternoon in London, the day before the European Champions Cup final. We’ve spent the last three hours talking about our favourite memories from our years following Leinster.
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Fri, 24 May 2024 - 6min - 512 - ‘Ross, someone has put up a poster of Honor on Foster Avenue.’ Apporently kompromat is the solution?
So I’m driving along Vico Road – one of the bits of the road where two cors can barely pass – when I notice a black SUV coming towards me at speed...
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Fri, 17 May 2024 - 6min - 511 - ‘What if she wins, Ross? I’ve already heard some of the other moms refer to her as the Trump candidate’
“Oh my God,” Sorcha goes, “what is she doing?” Yeah, no, she’s talking about Honor, who’s smiling so hord that it looks like someone has jammed a coat hanger in her mouth sideways.
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Fri, 10 May 2024 - 6min - 510 - Can’t a father and son go for a pint without there being some, I don’t know, anterior motive?
So it’s, like, Friday night and I’m having the usual pints with the goys in The Bridge. Dave Kearney asks how we’re getting on with a big smirk on his face. We’re all, like, crowded around my phone.
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Fri, 03 May 2024 - 6min - 509 - Honor is only running for Mount Anville head girl to downgrade her old dear’s greatest life achievement
The old man steps into the kitchen with a Montecristo the size of a rolled-up yoga mat burning between his fat fingers. Sorcha storts coughing – her passive-aggressive way of telling him that we don’t allow smoking in this house – but he just ignores her, like he did when she tried to introduce a similar rule about shoes.
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Sat, 27 Apr 2024 - 6min - 508 - ‘There’s a video of me doing the rounds on this famous Tick Tocks dot com’
How quickly the years go by. That’s what I’m thinking as I’m taking the right turn at Donnybrook Bus Depot.
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Mon, 22 Apr 2024 - 6min - 507 - ‘You should be ashamed of yourselves! We’re old enough to be your parents and we’ve taken you to three sets!’
I had my nightmare again last night, the one where I have a one-night stand with Taylor Swift and then I ghost the girl and she ends up writing 15 or 16 songs about me and they’re on the radio constantly. And – yeah, no – I woke up screaming.
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Fri, 12 Apr 2024 - 6min - 506 - ‘If you play that match, Ross, our marriage is over’
Sorcha is upset. I totally get that? But I haven’t seen her over-react like this since I ate a tin of macadamias from the hotel mini-bor on a weekend city break in Ljubljana.
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Mon, 08 Apr 2024 - 6min - 505 - ‘You are not having a hort attack! I’m not allowing it!’
Réaltín smiles. Which might well be a first for her. Yeah, no, we’re in Baldoyle of all places, playing Thor Frimann and Lisa Murray – the reigning champions – in the semi-finals of the mixed doubles at the Leinster Padel Championships. It’s, like, one set apiece and we’re winning 5-4 in the third.
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Fri, 29 Mar 2024 - 6min - 504 - ‘I didn’t play football for Rathnew. I didn’t play football for anyone. I resent the allegation’
I tell Honor that I’m proud of her.
I’m there, “Obviously, I don’t mean that literally?” because all she’s actually done is spend her Paddy’s Day picking litter up off the beach in Curracloe as port of her community service. “I’m proud of the way you’re, like, owning what you did?”
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Fri, 22 Mar 2024 - 5min - 503 - Three European Cups, three Six Nations, one Grand Slam – but never winning a Leinster Schools Senior Cup clearly still rankles Heaslip
I’m the first to arrive. I order a pint of the obvious and I do a quick circuit of the place. There’s no one here yet, even though I said eight o’clock and it’s quarter-past already. Fr Fehily wouldn’t have put up with that. What was it he used to say? Better three hours too early than a minute too late?
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Fri, 15 Mar 2024 - 5min - 502 - ‘Don’t tell me I don’t know Ross O’Carroll-Kelly. You bullied me for most of secondary school’
I suppose it was bound to happen sooner or later.
“Ross?” the dude goes, pulling a face at me across the net. “Ross O’Carroll-Kelly?”
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Fri, 08 Mar 2024 - 5min - 501 - ‘I haven’t cheated on you in, like, 10 years, though – well, let’s just say a long time’
Sorcha asks me straight out if I’m having an affair.
I’m like, “Why would you even think that?”
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Fri, 01 Mar 2024 - 5min - 500 - Honor rubs at the graffiti with a dainty, circular motion, like she’s applying foundation to the face of an elderly loved one
I haven’t seen Honor look this angry since the time she spear-tackled a woman who tried to cheat her out of first place in the sack race at the Castle Pork Dalkey Open Sports Day.
She’s like, “What ... the... fock?”
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Fri, 23 Feb 2024 - 6min - 499 - Sorcha goes, ‘I don’t need a 26-old copy of Cosmopolitan to tell me that I married the wrong man’
Sorcha says she’s sorry and I’m there, “Hey, it’s cool,” even though I’ve no idea what she’s even apologising for?
She goes, “Oh my God, I was such an idiot.”
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Fri, 16 Feb 2024 - 6min - 498 - Our daughter came out of the womb with two middle fingers raised to the world. That’s not down to us
“If some wooden comes at you with a shank,” Ronan goes, “grab them be the wrist and twist it, then hit them at the base of the nose with the heel of yisser hand, driving upwards. Upwards – that’s it."
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Sat, 10 Feb 2024 - 6min - 497 - 'I’ve got my top off, and Réaltín’s looking at me like my old man turning his nose up at cheap steak'
So I’m shaking hands with Hugh and Marie Atcheson after our latest victory in the Leinster Padel Championships and the famous Réaltín – as in, like, my mixed doublesportner? – is just, like, glowering at me.
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Fri, 02 Feb 2024 - 5min - 496 - ‘Honor O’Carroll-Kelly is not the victim. She is a highly intelligent young woman from a privileged background’
Honor pretends to sneeze, but instead of ‘achoo!’ she goes ‘fock you!’ to the prosecution barrister
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Fri, 26 Jan 2024 - 7min - 495 - ‘How could the child of a mother who puts the mental into environmental action grow up with a moral compass?’
So Honor is lying on her bed, her nose stuck in her phone, presumably trolling people on social media, when I tell her that Hennessy Coghlan-O’Hara is here to talk about her case.
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Fri, 19 Jan 2024 - 6min - 494 - 'She’s hord work, my new padel portner. But the girl fascinates me. She’s like a female me'
Réaltín and I have an intuitive understanding that only great lovers, or an out-half and his inside-centre, could fully understand
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Mon, 15 Jan 2024 - 6min - 493 - ‘Ross, this was my sliding doors moment. And I made the wrong choice’
Sorcha has made an alarming discovery during her annual New Year’s Day clear-out.
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Fri, 05 Jan 2024 - 6min - 492 - ‘The Leopardstown Races, eh, Ross? A great way to blow off the old cobwebs after Christmas!’
Leopardstown on Stephen Zuzz Day is a tradition for the O’Carroll-Kelly men
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Fri, 29 Dec 2023 - 6min - 491 - Honor is like, ‘There’s no chocolate Kimberleys left,’ and that’s when I end up suddenly losing my sh*t
It’s three days before the big day and Cornelscourt is like the Battle of the Bastards scene from Game of Thrones
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Fri, 22 Dec 2023 - 6min - 490 - ‘Oh my God, is this really all the books that we own as a family? I’m so ashamed’
Sorcha wants to make our own Christmas tree out of books this year. I think she’s been at the eggnog
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Fri, 15 Dec 2023 - 7min - 489 - ‘You need to look up the difference between mincemeat and minced meat. Merry focking Christmas’
We’re off to give my godson Ross Junior his Christmas present, but his old dear will already be in a fouler at the thought of me coming.
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Fri, 08 Dec 2023 - 7min - 488 - ‘I’ve never even cleaned up my own children’s vomit, I’m not mopping up after some randomer’
We’re doing the usual volunteering at the annual Christmas fete and this year we’ve been put on toilet-cleaning duties as a punishment
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Fri, 01 Dec 2023 - 6min - 487 - ‘Sneaking around behind my wife’s back is something I’m very, very good at, in fairness to me’
“If we do this,” she goes, “my husband can’t find out about it. Under anycircumstances?”
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Fri, 24 Nov 2023 - 5min - 486 - I wake up on Sunday morning thinking, am I having one of my famous erotic dreams?
Or is Sorcha standing at the end of the bed, wearing the Tory Burch tennis whites she bought last summer to watch Wimbledon?
She’s like, “Are you ready?”
“Ready?” I go. “In termsof?”
Read Ross O'Carroll-Kelly at irishtimes.com/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly/.
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Fri, 17 Nov 2023 - 6min - 485 - Sorcha is like me before every Ireland squad announcement – in other words, focking delusional
It’s the Killiney and Dalkey Combined Christmas Fete meeting, and we’re about as welcome as a snot-nosed kid in a bridal shop
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Fri, 10 Nov 2023 - 6min - 484 - ‘When I close my eyes at night, I can still see that bird’s horrible, leering face’
“Sur! Prise!” we all go.
But the old man – standing at the bottom of the stairs in Shanahan’s on the Green – barely raises a smile.
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Fri, 03 Nov 2023 - 6min - 483 - ‘Sorcha, I honestly don’t think we can just saunter in here like nothing has happened’
I’m there, “I have a bad feeling about this.”
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Fri, 27 Oct 2023 - 6min - 482 - ‘Ross, this is all your fault, you sniggering halfwit - that daughter of yours has been going wrong since the day she was born’
It’s a sad day. Everyone agrees. Not as sad – hand on hort – as Ireland losing to the All Blacks last weekend.
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Fri, 27 Oct 2023 - 6min - 481 - ‘Ross, didn’t you get a present of an All Blacks jersey once and use it to wash the cor?’
So we’re in Corcoran’s on the famous Boulevord de Clichy – we’re talking me, Christian, JP, Oisinn and Fionn – and I’m telling the goys why I think we’ll beat the All Blacks on Saturday and why I think it won’t even be close? But they only want one question answered.
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Fri, 13 Oct 2023 - 6min - 480 - ‘What does being Johnny Sexton’s hype man involve exactly, Dad?’
I’m there, “I’d be in Paris now if things had been different,” and when I say different, I mean if my daughter hadn’t been chorged with 277 counts of criminal damage.
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Fri, 06 Oct 2023 - 6min - 479 - ‘I’ve never seen Sorcha so upset - and given my record as a husband, that’s a genuine achievement’
I’ve never seen Sorcha so upset? And given my record as a husband, that’s a genuine achievement. She’s literally shaking with rage and whatever else is bubbling inside her, which is the reason I’m staying on the other side of the kitchen island.
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Fri, 29 Sep 2023 - 6min - 478 - ‘Dad, you need to ask yourself what do you want to be – a rugby fan or a good father?’
I love a crowd. Yeah, no, that’s as true of me now as it was back in my days as the best number 10 in the history of Irish schools rugby and the goy that every girl wanted to be with. I love the feeling of people staring at me with their gobs open in just, like, wonder.
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Fri, 22 Sep 2023 - 6min - 477 - Some things are more important than family. Rugby happens to be one of them
So I wake up in the hotel in Nantes to find a letter on my bedside table, which turns out to be from – yeah, no – my old man?
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Tue, 19 Sep 2023 - 6min - 476 - ‘There’s no caps for your so-called matches against Mexico and, I don’t know, Guava Larva. I made the entire thing up’
The old man is as excited as I’ve seen him since the members of Elm Pork Golf Club voted to name the lateral water hazard on the 12th hole “the Chorles River”. It’s, like, Friday night – the night before Ireland play Romania in the opening match of the Rugby World Cup – and I’m sitting in The Connemora in Bordeaux, listening to him phone pretty much everyone he’s ever known in his entire life to tell them his so-called news.
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Fri, 08 Sep 2023 - 6min - 475 - ‘It turns out that every single vehicle in the Mount Anville cor pork has had its tyres done. Except one’
Sorcha is tense. Yeah, no, for her, the first day back after the school holidays is like the first day of the Six Nations for me. In other words, a matter of life and death.
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Fri, 01 Sep 2023 - 6min - 474 - ‘A chap taught me how to hot-wire a cor this morning,’ the old man goes
The old man looks surprisingly well for a man who’s been banged up for, like, a week and a bit. I’m sitting in the visiting room when he walks in and he’s, like, deep in conversation with another, I want to say, inmate? It’s a good, like, five minutes before he saunters over to where I’m sitting...
irishtimes.com/author/ross-ocarroll-kelly/
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Fri, 25 Aug 2023 - 6min - 473 - I’m no stranger to seeing my old man standing in the dock accused of serious crimes
I’m no stranger to seeing my old man standing in the dock accused of serious crimes – he’s Chorles O’Carrroll-Kelly, for fock’s sake – but I never thought I’d see him in court, aged seventy-whatever-he-is, chorged with the illegal possession of a fireorm.
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Fri, 18 Aug 2023 - 6min - 472 - Camino Royale: the final exclusive excerpt from the new Ross O'Carroll-Kelly book
This is the final exclusive excerpt from Camino Royale, the new Ross O’Carroll-Kelly novel out today Thursday, August 17th.
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Thu, 17 Aug 2023 - 15min - 471 - Camino Royale: the second exclusive excerpt from the new Ross O'Carroll-Kelly book
This is the second of three exclusive excerpts from Camino Royale, the new Ross O’Carroll-Kelly novel out this Thursday, August 17th 2023.
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Wed, 16 Aug 2023 - 9min - 470 - Camino Royale: an exclusive excerpt from the new Ross O’Carroll-Kelly book
This is the first of three exclusive excerpts from Camino Royale, the new Ross O’Carroll Kelly novel out this Thursday, August 17th 2023.
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Tue, 15 Aug 2023 - 12min - 469 - ‘Honor, there has to be a better way of trying to save the planet than this’
Sorcha is sitting at the kitchen island with her laptop open and a pleased-with-herself smile that I recognise from the Mount Anville Class of 1998 graduation photograph on her bedside table.
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Sat, 12 Aug 2023 - 6min - 468 - Dude, you’re not allowed to just, like, shoot seagulls
So – yeah, no – we’re out in the old man’s boat in the middle of Dublin literally Bay, we’re talking me, the old man and Hennessy, and like the old man says, it’s just like old times.
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Fri, 04 Aug 2023 - 6min - 467 - Father and son. From the same city. And we might as well be a donkey talking to a parrot
So it’s, like, ten o’clock on a Friday night and Ronan’s at the front door. He goes, “How are you fixed for the Oddle Arelint football fidal on Suddendee, Rosser?”
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Fri, 28 Jul 2023 - 5min - 466 - ‘We caught the so-called SUV avenger tonight, in the actual act!’
Sorcha smiles warmly at me – an event so rare that it’s actually worth mentioning. “I’m so proud of our daughter,” she goes. “She’s turning into a wonderful young woman.”
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Fri, 14 Jul 2023 - 6min - 465 - People like us don’t get embarrassed. That’s how we’ve ended up where we are in life
The old man rings me at, like, two o’clock in the afternoon and goes, “Ross! You’re not busy, are you?”
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Fri, 07 Jul 2023 - 6min - 464 - ‘What if the SUV Avenger turned out to be your daughter, Sorcha?’
“Oh my God,” Sorcha goes, “they’ve struck again!”
I’m there, “What are you talking about? As in, like, what the fock?”
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Fri, 30 Jun 2023 - 6min - 463 - The SUV Avenger has slashed the tyres on Sorcha’s cor
So – yeah, no – we’re at the recycling centre with a boot full of empty cans and bottles from a recent borbecue to celebrate Sorcha’s 43rd birthday and me having nine penalty points wiped from my driving licence on appeal.
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Sat, 24 Jun 2023 - 6min - 462 - ‘Bloomsday is God’s way of telling middle class people they have too much time on their hands’
I’m standing outside the famous Galloper on the Stillorgan dualler when Ronan rocks up. He’s as surprised to see me as I am to see him?
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Fri, 16 Jun 2023 - 6min - 461 - There’s nothing like the school sports day to get the old competitive juices flowing
I have to confess to getting a bit carried away, and I stort shouting things like, ‘Eat it up, you pack of losers!’ at the other moms and dads
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Fri, 09 Jun 2023 - 6min - 460 - ‘I want to have – oh my God – everything done?’ Honor goes. ‘My chin, my nose, my forehead, my lips’
Honor has been walking around under a bit of a cloud ever since a dude by the name of Jonah – Wesley College, before you ask – friend-zoned her.
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Fri, 02 Jun 2023 - 6min - 459 - ‘What does Patrick Kielty have that I don’t?’ asks the old dear
There’s no mystery as to why they chose Kielty for the Late Late. He’s not 76 years old. His bodily organs didn’t come from a black morket doctor in Bogotá
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Fri, 26 May 2023 - 6min - 458 - The old man is a focking embarrassment at rugby matches
The old man is on the phone, shouting at me in his usual all-caps voice.
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Sat, 20 May 2023 - 6min - 457 - The two of them are staring at me like this is the worst thing I’ve ever done. It’s not even in the top 10
So we’re at a dinner in the famous Rochestown Lodge in – let’s be honest here – Sallynoggin, to raise money for the Seapoint Rugby Club U-8s Trip to Biarritz: Leave No Child Behind.
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Fri, 12 May 2023 - 6min - 456 - Honor says Joshua just wants to be friends. Better than nothing I say, but I hate lying to the girl
Honor goes, ‘It’s because I’m not good-looking.’ I’m there, ‘Looks aren’t important, Honor,’ and I’ve no idea where I’m pulling these lines from.
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Fri, 05 May 2023 - 5min - 455 - I’m the father of a 15-year-old girl. I think, by this stage, I’ve earned the right to embarrass her?
He’s, like, standing right in front of the gaff, staring at his phone. I throw open the front door and I’m like, “Whatever you’re selling, fock off before I call the Feds,” which would be pretty much por for the course in these ports?
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Fri, 28 Apr 2023 - 5min - 454 - ‘I’ve been polyamorous since the late 1990s’
People talk about polyamory like it’s a new thing. I’ve been polyamorous since the late 1990s. It’s just that I’ve never told my wife.
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Fri, 21 Apr 2023 - 6min - 453 - Here we are on the roof of the house, vaping away to our horts’ content
I know they say it’s not good for your health but my relationship with Honor has never been better
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Fri, 14 Apr 2023 - 6min - 452 - The old dear arrives at the door, smelling like a distillery tour, asking to see her granddaughters
She has so much filler in her face that she looks like she’s had herself embalmed to save us the trouble when she finally pops it.
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Tue, 11 Apr 2023 - 6min - 451 - We’re a father and daughter vaping away to beat the band, properly bonding
If everybody is doing something how bad can it be, Ross thinks, as he submits to peer pressure from his daughter and discovers vaping
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Fri, 31 Mar 2023 - 6min - 450 - I’m 43. Andy Farrell would want to be pretty focking desperate for a 10 to pick me
The old dear rings me and asks me to meet her for Sunday lunch in some, I don’t know, random Italian restaurant in Ranelagh.
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Mon, 27 Mar 2023 - 6min - 449 - What a day . . . I’ll just send a quick congrats text to Johnny Sexton
The final whistle blows and I burst into tears. The greatest day of my life? It’s definitely up there. People bang on about the birth of their children, but children let you down. This Ireland team never do?
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Tue, 21 Mar 2023 - 6min - 448 - Girls, if Johnny Sexton was here, he’d tell you – you are never, ever beaten
The big Castlerock College versus Newpork Comprehensive showdown has arrived
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Fri, 17 Mar 2023 - 6min - 447 - Now I’m doing something that I never do, doubting myself
When his ‘back me or sack me’ move backfires, Ross is left in a mild depression having lost his job as the coach of Castlerock College girls rugby team.
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Fri, 10 Mar 2023 - 5min - 446 - I want this school to be a conveyor belt of women’s rugby talent
The Rossmeister General finds out about the ‘deleterious effect’ rugby is having on academic and behavioural standards among girls at school
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Fri, 03 Mar 2023 - 6min - 445 - I’ve ended up on a poster for adult incontinence treatment on a gable wall in, like, Ranelagh
Only the crookedest lawyer in Ireland can get me out of this contract I accidentally signed with a modelling agency
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Fri, 24 Feb 2023 - 6min - 444 - I’m getting the tattoo of J-Lowe, a late 40th birthday present to myself
It’s, like, Monday morning and I’ve taken the boys for a haircut – or, to be more, I don’t know, pacific, I’ve dumped them in the borber’s while me and Honor are sitting in the coffee shop next door.
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Fri, 17 Feb 2023 - 5min - 443 - One day, there’s going to be a Leinster Schools Senior Cup… for girls!
So – yeah, no – the girls have been working unbelievably hord in training, which is why I’ve arranged a little surprise for them. I tell them to meet me in the school cor pork, where the bus is already waiting with the engine idling.
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Fri, 10 Feb 2023 - 6min - 442 - I’m surrounded by people who keep me grounded. I wish they’d focking stop
“Oh my God,” Honor goes, “you’re not actually wearing that, are you?”
And by that she means my black, Canterbury elite protection body ormour vest.
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Fri, 03 Feb 2023 - 6min - 441 - Sixmas is what I call the Six Nations Championship – the most wonderful time of the year
I go, “Twas the week before Sixmas, and all through the class, nothing was stirring, not even a mouse!”
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Mon, 30 Jan 2023 - 6min - 440 - Would I have to take my top off for any of these jobs? That wouldn’t be an issue for me
So – yeah, no – I’m in Cinnamon in Monkstown, getting all excited about Sixmas, which is only, like, two weeks away now. I’m writing out my storting 15 for the match against Wales into the famous Big Book when I notice a woman staring at me over the top of her Watermelon Shhuga.
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Fri, 20 Jan 2023 - 6min - 439 - If women’s rugby is ever going to be treated seriously, they’ll have to embrace the whole obnoxiousness thing
They stagger out onto the pitch in two or three different huddles, their orms folded against the cold of a horrible January morning.
I’m there, “Welcome back, ladies! Hope you had a good Christmas!” and they’re all, like, hating on me for my – yeah, no – cheeriness?
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Fri, 13 Jan 2023 - 6min - 438 - I silently curse myself for giving St Michael’s College credit that they don’t deserve
No less a judge than the great Jerry Flannery once described me as “one of Ireland’s greatest thinkers” – and even though it was in the course of a Charity Roast in the Sin Bin in Limerick, I think his point still stands...
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Fri, 06 Jan 2023 - 5min
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