Sex, Love, and Addiction

Dr. Rob and Lora continue their discussion about self-awareness and honoring self while also thriving in a connected partnership. Leaving your partner doesn’t make the pain entirely go away, so you have to work to honor yourself whether you choose to stay or leave. Surround yourself with people who can support you and remind you of who you really are beyond what happened to you. There are great motivating factors behind an affair and an addiction, and understanding both will make all the difference in what you can expect as you heal after betrayal.    TAKEAWAYS: [1:25] How can you hold onto yourself and also thrive in a connected partnership?  [5:00] You may have been hurt, but you deserve to remember who you really are. [6:43] Your life isn’t over, it’s evolving.  [8:00] When you were hurt, you were crushed.  Now is the time to flaunt yourself! [10:14] It’s hard to be a beginner, but lean into the laughter of trying new things.  [14:00] Trusting yourself can get you exactly where you want to be.  [15:05] What is an affair vs. an addictive problem?  [18:00] It is not your fault. When people cheat they are doing it for their reasons. [20:22] Is it naive for a woman to think she won’t be cheated on by a man?    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Dr. Geoff Goodman Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment Partner Sexuality Survey Lora Cheadle   QUOTES: “You may have been victimized, but you have to start remembering who you are.”  “Trust yourself, and seek out outside support and wisdom.”  “Addiction is a tool that the other person is using to make themselves feel better, and the tool is never going to solve it.”  “Trust is the backbone of our relationships.”

Lora Cheadle joins Dr. Rob to discuss the journey of self-discovery that the spouse must take after betrayal. Moments of vulnerability and self-disclosure can bring happiness into a healing marriage while also triggering feelings of old hurt, leaving spouses feeling angry and confused about whether or not they really trust their partner again.  Lora understands that while you may have been victimized, you get to choose whether or not you will continue to be a victim.    TAKEAWAYS: [1:59] A little bit about Lora Cheadle and why she wanted to share her personal experience as a recovering spouse. [5:00] Betrayal can come as a result of spouse control and manipulation.  [7:28] Transactional relationships are set up for failure.  [10:28] You were victimized by your spouse’s betrayal – don’t let anyone minimize that for you – but you get to choose whether or not you will continue to be a victim.  [15:03] As a partner, you can support your spouse without taking on the full responsibility of their addiction.  [16:07] How can you balance trust today with the possibility of future betrayal?  [19:40] Self disclosure and vulnerability from your partner is key evidence that betrayal has stopped.  [20:30] From a performative and transactional relationship to living her truth, Lora understands what a healthy marriage really looks like.  [24:01] “She should have known better” – but addicts can be really good at hiding things.  [26:12] Find someone who you can confide in who won’t judge you.  [28:01] Yes, you can find peace in a support group of betrayed spouses.    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Dr. Geoff Goodman Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment Partner Sexuality Survey Lora Cheadle   QUOTES: “Infidelity and betrayal, for me, was my opportunity to see in myself what I had missed before.”  “If someone isn’t doing what I think they should, the problem is theirs, right? Wrong.”   “I did not want my husband’s addiction to win.  I wanted me to win.”  “He is a different person, but I am a different person too, so we do this dance differently.”

Dr. Rob continues his conversation with Dr. Geoff Goodman about the power of the 12 Step program, which worked for Geoff when nothing else did. Finding an effective therapist who can support you and your partner requires so much more than just delving into the past - it requires making demands and setting goals that you can realistically achieve as you move forward.  One huge component of recovery for both you and your partner is finding the right support groups.  If the first one isn’t a good fit, don’t give up, keep trying until you are surrounded by people who can lift you up, whether you are the recovering addict or the spouse!   TAKEAWAYS: [1:30] The power of the 12 Step program, for Geoff, is that it works.  [3:18] Understanding the why behind your addiction won’t automatically shift your behavior.  [8:50] Effective therapists will help addicts beyond simply understanding their past.  [11:28] If you’re acting out sexually in ways that are ruining your life, your therapist can help! [13:35] Addiction recovery does not equate to relationship therapy.  [16:02] How might spouses consider self-examination without feeling blamed for their spouse’s addiction?  [19:45] Finding needed support when finances and resources don’t allow it.  [24:26] “I don’t belong there”- how to find the right support group for you.    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Dr. Geoff Goodman Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment Partner Sexuality Survey 12 Step Recovery    QUOTES: “I didn’t want to make a complete lifestyle change.  I wanted to get better, but avoid that.”  “Addiction is so irresistible that knowing the causes is a nice intellectual pursuit but it doesn’t really help you on the ground.”  “The 12 Step Program isn’t going to turn your husband into Prince Charming.”  “You are healing and changing itself does not make you a loving, kind, empathing, engaged partner.  It just means you stopped lying and stopped hating yourself.”

Dr. Rob welcomes back podcast guest Dr. Geoff Goodman for a conversation about the impact that addiction has on relationships.  He offers insights into the struggle of not only the addict, but of their partner as well, and shares his experience with falling in love with a woman who did not know that he was an addict.  Some partners are more supportive and involved while others appear to be disinterested or even disgusted and fed up.  No matter what scenario you’re in, there is hope for finding a life beyond addiction, together.    TAKEAWAYS: [2:24] What people don’t understand about addicts, from the partner perspective.  [3:56] Dr. Geoff revealed his own sex addiction to his partner long before they were married.  [6:30] From a spouse’s point of view, learning about addiction can feel like a bait and switch. [7:50] ‘Don’t ask, don’t tell’ only works for so long in a committed relationship. Even the ‘right one’ can’t resolve a loved one’s addiction.  [10:15] Willing yourself out of addictive behavior has a very short success rate.  [11:22] When enough is enough, there is hope for addicts.  [12:46] Addiction prevents partners from being fully committed to each other, both in and out of the bedroom.  [16:40] Reading literature about porn addiction can help a partner understand what you are going through.  [18:46] Your partner knows better than anyone what you are going through in recovery.  [19:39] Geoff’s career of treating sex addicts didn’t start until he was in recovery.  [22:40] Geoff explains why he doesn’t self-disclose to his patients.  [24:50] The impact of addiction and recovery on parenting.    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Dr. Geoff Goodman Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment Partner Sexuality Survey   QUOTES: “From a spouses’ point of view, addiction must feel like a bait and switch.”  “Reading literature about porn addiction helped broaden the picture to help her understand that this isn’t unique to me.  This is a problem that many men experience.”  “I can’t even imagine being a father and acting out, even though I know it happens all of the time.”

Dr. Rob continues his discussion with Josh Nichols on some of the common tactics addicts and abusers use to gaslight their victims. In this episode, Josh focuses on the person who is receiving the gaslight treatment. Whatever you might be going through, there is no shame in staying with your addict. Sometimes the best thing for your family is to work through the issues, and sometimes the best thing for your family is for you to leave. Each case is individual to the person, but the most important thing you should know is that you’re not crazy and that your initial gut reaction is almost always correct!    TAKEAWAYS: [1:35] Why do abusers work so hard to make someone think they’re crazy?   [3:35] You’re not a bad person if you were on the receiving end of this treatment.  [6:00] Abusers love to discredit your gut feelings and intuition, but your intuition is still accurate, deep down.  [8:25] A healthy person wants to have a conversation about an issue or a feeling they’re having, the gaslighter does not. They want you to be distracted by something else.  [11:45] It’s okay to question someone else’s version of reality.  [13:15] You’re not a weak person for staying with an abuser.  [15:25] What made Josh so interested in this subject? [19:40] You’re not alone in your pain. There are many people who have had to deal with a gaslighter.  [20:00] You are not this bad person that your abuser has made you out to be!  RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Familysolutionsok.com QUOTES: “Abusers do it in such a way where they make you feel silly, stupid, or crazy. They teach you to not trust your gut, but your gut is still accurate.” “A healthy person wants to have more conversation about it, a gaslighter does not. The whole goal is to get you off my trail.” “Sometimes courage is leaving, and sometimes courage is staying.”

Dr. Rob talks with Josh Nichols about common gaslighting tactics addicts and manipulative people tend to use. We like to think the world might be full of these calculating abusers, but often times these tactics are used as a knee-jerk reaction and come from a place of survival. Today, Josh offers some tips on how to spot a gaslighter and what you might be feeling from some of their gaslighting actions.    TAKEAWAYS: [2:10] A little bit about Josh and why he wanted to talk about gaslighting.  [2:55] What’s the difference between gaslighting and lair?   [5:40] Victims feel like they’re going crazy and feel such relief when a therapist finally validates their thoughts. [8:30] Why do people gaslight other people?  [10:45] A common tactic these people use is to confirm your belief in that person and then they will use this as leverage to deny your own reality.  [14:00] These people tend not to be psychopaths or sociopaths. They’re just trying to maintain control.  [17:25] A person will often try to use different tactics to cover up their gaslighting. What does this look like?  [18:00] There are three archetypes you have to look out for: The blame shifter, the victim, and the self-shamer.  [24:25] Unfortunately, gaslighters love to exploit your trust and sense of safety you have with that person.   RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Familysolutionsok.com QUOTES: “These people are exploiting some kind of vulnerability and they can exploit the trust and love in the relationship.” “Addicts have maladaptive coping mechanisms and are really good survivors, and gaslighting becomes one of the tools.” “Gaslighters have three different types: The blame shifter, the victim, and the self-shamer.”

Heather Cronemiller and Lacy Bentley join Dr. Rob to talk about female sex addiction and the damage it can cause families. Both Lacy and Heather share their personal experience with being the ‘other woman’ and how, despite it going against everything they believed in, they still continued down a path of destruction. When it comes to any form of addiction, what we're really fighting against is deeply broken attachment wounds. Find out more on today’s episode.    TAKEAWAYS: [2:40] A little bit about Lacy and how she got introduced with Dr. Rob.  [3:20] A little bit about Heather and how she met Dr. Rob.  [5:30] Despite being married, Heather felt like she wasn’t with her soul mate. Everything she thought love was, was wrong.  [6:15] What does mature love feel like? [8:55] Heather realized through her own recovery, her husband is a wonderful man and replacing him with the ‘flavor of the month’ won’t fix the problem.  [13:35] What is polygamy and does it actually exist? Is it just a mask for sex addiction?  [21:00] Why is sex ‘never enough’ when working with sex addicts? [23:35] What does it look like to work with someone like Lacy as a female sex addict?  [25:00] Heather shares her personal experience working with Lacy and how it helped her move forward and on a healthier path of recovery.  [26:15] Heather talks about her recovery journey and what that looks like for her. [30:15] Lucy and Heather talk about their upcoming book, Going Deeper for Women!  [38:15] How does addiction bleed into other aspects of our lives?  [41:10] Heather shares why their book is going to help any woman going through addiction.  [47:10] There are nasty names we call women that we don’t call men, despite them both doing the same actions.  [50:50] Dr. Rob has met very few men who understand the experience of a woman and what she has to deal with when she goes out into the world.  RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Herrecoveryroadmap.com Oakhaven-counseling.com Going Deeper for Women   QUOTES: “Mature love is a choice and that can be complicated to say because it doesn’t feel like a choice.” “How many partners do you need for it to be ‘enough’? In sex addiction, it’s never enough.” “We are dealing with attachment wounds. We are dealing with childhood trauma. We’re not dealing with a woman who has a fully functional relational brain..”

Annie and Melissa are two women who have experienced deep marital betrayal in their relationship. The signs weren’t always clear as to what was actually going on, but when the wool had been pulled over their eyes, the amount of emotions, judgment, and pain they experienced took a long time to recover from. This episode is part two of these two women sharing their very personal story of how they found out about their husbands’ addictions and how they got through it.    TAKEAWAYS: [3:15] Hindsight is 20/20. These are real and raw emotions and unfortunately, it’s difficult to hide or protect your children from what’s happening within your household.  [4:20] Melissa shares the reactions her friends and family had after they realized what was going on in her marriage.  [4:45] Annie found out that she had friends who loved her, but this topic was very difficult for them to handle.  [6:45] Did Annie’s husband’s porn use affect their intimate life?  [12:55] When Melissa joined a support group, it was the first time she felt validated and like she wasn’t going through this journey alone.  [23:45] Guess what, an addict can lie to their therapist! And some therapists eat it all up.  [30:50] Melissa knew for many years something was wrong but she just didn’t know what. Those years were painful; to constantly doubt herself.  [33:40] The work betrayed spouses have to go through to heal is very different from what an addict has to go through to make amends.   [39:15] How did Melissa and Annie meet? They’re so grateful for each other and their support!    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Jasonvr.com Jason on LinkedIn Get Past Your Past   QUOTES: “You trust your spouse and it’s something that you never expected to happen. I never expected to find what I found.” “I knew my friends were trustworthy, but I couldn’t go to my friends and be like, ‘guess what I discovered now’. At least, I couldn’t.” “I will never be grateful this happened to me, but I am grateful that because it happened to me, I have made life-long friends.”

Annie and Melissa are two women who have experienced deep marital betrayal in their relationship. The signs weren’t always clear as to what was going on, but when the wool had been pulled over their eyes, the amount of emotions, judgment, and pain they experienced took a long time to recover from. These two women share their stories and also share why they decided to stay with their husbands and support them in their addiction.    TAKEAWAYS: [2:15] Today we hear from two women who have gone through painful marital betrayal.  [2:45] Why did these two women agree to come on and share their painful story today?  [3:50] When Melissa first found out about the betrayal, she didn’t see light at the end of the tunnel. Today, she does.  [6:25] Melissa really felt like everything in her relationship was good…until it wasn’t.  [13:00] What made Melissa throw her husband out of the house?  [14:50] What is betrayal trauma and why do so many partners experience it after finding out about their spouses affairs?  [20:00] Why did Annie stay in her relationship?  [20:55] When discovery happened, Annie had been married nearly 29 years.  [27:25] Dr. Rob defines what ‘porn’ means these days. It’s not just looking at a naked image anymore!  [28:50] Guys look at porn, what’s the big deal?  [31:15] Melissa’s husband would minimize her concerns when he was ‘out late’. She knew something was wrong, but couldn’t quite put her finger on why or what.  [32:45] Melissa’s husband is now upset at himself that he missed so much of his children’s lives because of his addiction.  [36:40] Annie shares that when people found out about her husband’s addiction, all the attention went to him. That’s when she felt so alone.  [38:30] Annie felt a second betrayal from her husband’s CSAT. She was dismissed in her feelings and she had no support!  [40:40] Melissa knew in her gut that something was wrong, so she snooped through his phone. When she found out all the lies and betrayal, she screamed so loud at him that it woke her children up.  [41:15] Melissa found out that their couple’s therapist knew about some of his betrayals and kept this information from her. Dr. Rob said this behavior was a violation of trust for a couple’s therapist. If you’re a therapist, don’t do this!    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Jasonvr.com Jason on LinkedIn Get Past Your Past   QUOTES: “Anything that’s kept secret from the relationship is a betrayal. It doesn’t matter if it’s with a person or not. It’s all kept secrets and it’s all painful.” “Decades ago, when women left their husbands, they were scorned. Now, when we stay, they don’t understand.” “Just because he screws up doesn’t mean I’m going to throw my lift under a bus.”

Jason VanRuler is a therapist, coach, speaker, and author dedicated to impacting those who make an impact. His first book, Get Past Your Past, is all about establishing a mindset of emotional health and resilience to find lasting wholeness. In this episode, Jason shares his personal self-development journey, why going to therapy is so difficult for so many people, and why our natural inclination is to hurt others; intentionally or not.    TAKEAWAYS: [4:15] A little bit about Jason and how he became a therapist.   [10:10] Due to Jason’s rough upbringing, he knew he had to work on himself first before helping others. [14:40] Jason explains the reason why he likes to host outdoor retreats and how it helps with the healing process. [21:30] Best way to change your past and maladaptive behaviors is by surrounding yourself with different people.  [22:05] It’s important to be honest with yourself and really benchmark where you’re currently are.  [25:15] The more successful we get, the less likely we become surrounded by people who tell us the truth.  [30:15] Therapists are truth tellers and this is why going to therapy is so hard.  [37:45] There was a time in Jason’s life where going to therapy seemed impossible.  [38:45] What can we do today that empowers a better story?  [40:45] Have a question for Jason? Reach out!    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Jasonvr.com Jason on LinkedIn Get Past Your Past   QUOTES: “We aspire to have something that only a different community will give us. If don’t have a different community, our current one just keeps us in the same spot.” “Be honest with where you’re at. So many times we fantasize how we want it to look.” “I think people always hurt people. Always. I don’t think people have gotten out of life without hurting other people, sometimes it’s intentional and sometimes it’s not. ”

Sandra A. Shachar, Ph.D., is a Licensed Psychologist in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, and has over thirty years of clinical experience working with individuals, couples and families affected by Betrayal Trauma. She is also the author of The Porn Solution, which dives into the world of betrayal through porn use and what partners can do to navigate themselves through it. In this episode, Dr. Sandra talks about PTSD, intentional listening to your partner, and how to regain your partner’s trust.    TAKEAWAYS: [1:50] How could I compete with a porn star?  [3:40] Women feel like if he’s watching porn, he’s checked out of the relationship.  [5:05] Can this sort of betrayal cause PTSD? Dr. Sandra believes so.  [11:40] How can you create meaningful dialogue when talking about something so difficult? [14:20] You can create intentional listening while putting ‘guard rails’ on it.  [15:25] If your relationship is in crisis right now, it’s going to be okay. It doesn’t mean that’s where you’re going to end up.  [19:10] How can you rebuild trust again?  [25:30] If you have children, the reason to heal your relationship should be at the forefront of your mind.   RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Drsandrashachar.com Dr. Sandra on LinkedIn The Porn Solution   QUOTES: “We depend on other human beings for our very survival. In order to survive as a human being, we need intimate connection with at least one other human being.” “What matters most in an intimate relationship is to feel seen, heard, and understood by your partner.” “If you have children, this affects them. The keeping of secrets, they feel all of that.”

Sandra A. Shachar, Ph.D., is a Licensed Psychologist in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, and has over thirty years of clinical experience working with individuals, couples and families affected by Betrayal Trauma. She is also the author of The Porn Solution, which dives into the world of betrayal through porn use and what partners can do to navigate themselves through it. In this episode, Dr. Sandra talks about the definition of betrayal, why porn affects so many people, and why it’s okay to ask for your needs to be met.    TAKEAWAYS: [3:20] Is porn cheating?  [3:55] Why did Dr. Sandra write the book, The Porn Solution?  [7:10] What is the definition of a betrayal?  [12:05] Porn, what’s the big deal? I’m not cheating on you!  [18:10] Why does porn betrayal affect women so deeply?  [22:35] How can we regain a partner’s trust after a betrayal?  [24:30] You have a right to ask for your needs to be met. It’s okay to have needs!  [29:15] What is a problem for one person, is a problem for both people.  [29:55] Porn isn’t the issue, it’s the trust!    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Drsandrashachar.com Dr. Sandra on LinkedIn The Porn Solution   QUOTES: “When I talk to spouses about their experience of whether porn felt like a betrayal to the relationship, we got up to 80%. We have a population of female spouses who say it’s a big deal.” “It’s not the act of what you’re doing specifically, it’s the deception. It’s what you’ve hidden me that constitutes as the betrayal.” “It makes absolute sense why you’re reacting the way you are. This is normal under these abnormal circumstances.”

Dr. Rob and Tami talk about the healing properties a journal practice can have. A listener wrote that her therapist wants her to journal out the resentment and anger that her SA has caused her, but the mere thought of doing this gets her re-triggered and angry all over again. Is there really a point to all of this aside from re-remembering the betrayal?    TAKEAWAYS: [:25] My SA husband’s entire family has suffered from some sort of sexual addiction or abuse. Is all of this hereditary?  [8:30] How can intermittent reward cause or enhance relationship addiction?  [16:15] What’s the point of writing my betrayal down? I feel so angry just thinking about it.  [18:50] If you have a lot of anger inside you, a journal practice can be very healing.  [19:45] My addict is weaseling out of our initial agreement. What should I do?  [26:05] If you’re not doing the work, then it doesn’t matter what you say or do.  [26:15] He’s sober but still can’t be intimate with me. He says he feels shame. Is this just an excuse?    RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Dr. Rob and Tami break down the gray area between just having fun, being “at-risk” for an addiction, and being a full-blown addict. It can be difficult to define the line fully when you’re in the middle of a “good time.” Dr. Rob offers various considerations for you to think about to determine whether you’re barely teetering the line or if you’re in a bad and unsustainable place.   TAKEAWAYS: [:35] I believe my partner is a narcissist and a sex addict. He’s hurting me but I can’t seem to walk away. How can I just leave him? [8:40] Have a three-circle plan! You need a healthy plan that will value you. [10:50] Can you become addicted to friendships? [15:50] My betrayed partner doesn’t believe me anymore, even when I’m telling her the truth. Do I just agree with her? [22:30] Is there an in-between stage where someone can be between “at-risk” for an addiction vs. being a complete addict? [26:55] Do I need to do yet another formal disclosure with my addict? We just don’t have the money for another therapist right now.   RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Lucy Beresford hosts LBC Radio’s Sex and Relationships show and she’s the author of 4 books, including the global best-seller Happy Relationships. She works as a psychotherapist at The Grace Clinic, London and from time to time at The Delhi Psychiatry Centre in India under Dr. Sunil Mittal. In this episode, Lucy talks about refinding your voice again after a betrayal, how to create a deeper connection with a partner, and what are the steps forward if you continue to stay in a marriage that had a betrayal in it.    TAKEAWAYS: [5:00] Lucy shares a time where she lost her voice and had to rediscover it again.  [6:10] How can you show up for yourself? How can you own your own voice? [7:30] What does Lucy mean to ‘have a voice’?  [10:15] It’s very hard for women who have experienced betrayal to have a voice.  [12:10] When women get into relationships, their sense of self often gets drowned out.  [19:40] It’s so hard to stay committed to someone when you’ve had a small fight; much less a betrayal. [24:50] Unfortunately for addicts, they’ve hurt their best friend and partner and so they can not depend on this person (right now) for emotional support.  [31:10] What do we unwillingly enable in someone else because of our own baggage and history?  [34:35] You’ve consciously chosen to stay, now what?  [40:45] Lucy talks about disclosed non-monogamy and what that means for a couple.   [46:15] If your personality is being crushed and you’re becoming a former version of yourself, when should you stop everything and listen? [50:00] A little bit about Lucy and her work/books.     RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Lucyberesford.com Lucy on LinkedIn Infidelity: to stay or go…?   QUOTES: “I didn’t know I had permission not to have children. It showed me there are people out there who are making choices in their life for other people.” “What’s the impact of you living authentically? It’s one thing to be sad about the life you had, it’s another to assist in that sadness.” “How do I retain a sense of me while celebrating and nourishing ‘we’?”

Dr. Monique Thompson is a Psychotherapist in Dallas, Texas. She has seen over 1,000 couples in her counseling practice over the years and now shares tips and tools for couples to help recover from infidelity. She recently wrote a workbook for couples who are looking to recover from infidelity and shares her industry insights with Dr. Rob on today’s episode. After infidelity, many couples are unconsciously going to war with one another. Dr. Monique shares how you can get back to peaceful territory once again.    TAKEAWAYS: [3:40] Why did Dr. Monique decide to write a book about infidelity recovery? [7:20] What responsibilities or accountability should the non-affair partner take on?   [10:55] When you choose to stay, you have to mentally keep in mind you’re going to war. You’re no longer in a time of peace.  [11:25] Some couples never consciously choose to stay. They just didn’t get divorced and that is not the same.  [15:35] Why did Dr. Monique write the Infidelity Recovery Workbook for Couples? [20:30] Your own healing comes from a place of healing within yourself. Your partner won’t be able to help you with that.  [24:30] Are you compelled to set down ultimatums in hopes your partner will change?  [32:25] Dr. Monique shares why it’s important to take a deep breath in and reset your mindset. [36:00] Sometimes people cheat because they can’t be themselves. What happens when someone finally reveals their ‘true’ persona and their partner still wants to leave? [39:55] Does Dr. Monique have a different approach for a young couple vs. an older couple?    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Doctormoniquethompson.com/ Infidelity Recovery Workbook for Couples   QUOTES: “If you’re choosing to stay, you’re choosing to go off to war. You’re not at home during peace time.” “Sometimes, people really didn’t choose to stay, they just didn’t get a divorce. That’s not the same.” “I ask couples if they are willing to set a peace treaty down for a period of time to be able to begin the work.”

Dr. Jamie Marich is a facilitator of transformative experiences. A clinical trauma specialist, expressive artist, writer, yoga teacher, performer, short filmmaker, Reiki master, TEDx speaker, and recovery advocate. Marich has taught conscious dance seminars at various conferences nationally, internationally, and online, and has trained more than 500 facilitators in the Dancing Mindfulness practice. She is also the author of several books including the original Trauma and the 12 Steps.    Dr. Stephen Dansiger is a master EMDR therapist and provider of EMDR Basic Training and Advanced Topics Courses with the Institute for Creative Mindfulness, and has helped set up the premiere Buddhist addictions rehab center, Refuge Recovery Centers. He has been practicing Buddhist mindfulness for almost 30 years (including a one year residency at a Zen monastery), and teaches dharma classes regularly in Los Angeles and other centers internationally.   TAKEAWAYS: [3:40] Why did Dr. Jamie and Dr. Stephen write a Trauma and the 12 Steps workbook?  [6:40] Dr. Jamie loves writing books because it’s accessible for everyone, especially those who might not be able to afford therapy.  [7:35] What made Dr. Stephen excited to collaborate with Dr. Jamie?  [11:55] How do people heal their trauma while they’re also reliving it?  [13:40] What is the greatest gift about being a therapist specializing in trauma?  [17:00] Why throw 12-step practices into this mix of trauma and healing? [21:00] People enjoy the structure that 12 Steps brings and it makes it easier for them to follow a healing journey if they know what to expect. [30:00] Dr. Jamie talks about Step 6 and how it can perpetuate feelings of shame.  [33:40] Now that you know about your trauma, what are the next steps? It’s important not to fall into a victim mindset. [43:30] What is mindfulness, really?  [47:55] Many people who have come into a 12-step program have been wounded by God, and end up missing out on a wealth of knowledge and healing.  [50:20] What books should you start with first?    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Drjamiemarich.com Drdansiger.com Traumamadesimple.com   QUOTES: “There is not a separation between trauma therapy and 12 Steps, and Buddhist practice. It all goes together.” “Hurt people hurt people, but how I really like to reframe that is trauma is this phononym where you can bleed all over each other.” “Yes I am responsible for adult behavior but I am not a bad person. I wasn’t responsible for what happened to me, but how I learned to adapt and survive, I am responsible for.”

Dr. Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, is a clinician, researcher, teacher, and developer of A Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy® (PACT). He has a clinical practice in Calabasas, CA, and developed the PACT Institute for the purpose of training other psychotherapists to use this method in their clinical practice. In this episode, Dr. Stan discusses the 5 things that break a relationship apart, how to recover from a betrayal, and how to live a pro-relationship life.    TAKEAWAYS: [1:45] How do you recover from a betrayal?  [6:00] In a society, we are forced to grow up for the betterment of our tribe.  [7:25] What do couples complain the most about?  [11:25] People will commit the same mistakes over and over because they don’t understand the internal errors that they’re making.  [15:25] What happens if you’re stuck in a relationship ‘role’ that you don’t like?  [18:20] What does it mean to be pro-relationship? [20:35] Your attachment needs are not rooted in love. Dr. Stan explains why.  [26:00] Want to know more about Dr. Stan? Link in the show notes!    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Thepactinstitute.com In Each Other’s Care by Dr. Stan Tatkin   QUOTES: “There are cultures where it’s emphatically insistent and people do grow up because the culture demands that you operate with each other.” “We do the same things that mess up relationships, no matter what kind of relationships they are, and we always will if we don’t understand our nature.” “Everything I am talking about is inline with being selfish. Being pro-relationship is being pro-self. They are one and the same.”

Dr. Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, is a clinician, researcher, teacher, and developer of A Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy® (PACT). He has a clinical practice in Calabasas, CA, and developed the PACT Institute for the purpose of training other psychotherapists to use this method in their clinical practice. In this episode, Dr. Stan discusses what really is the glue that keeps relationships together, why they are so messy, and how you can better define it with the person you love.    TAKEAWAYS: [3:50] Let’s talk about conflict in a relationship.  [5:05] What do people actually view as ‘important’?  [7:05] People have the ability to ‘make things up’, so it’s important that you and your partner are on the same page when it comes to a relationship.  [9:25] Someone might be something you’ve always wanted, but they’re also going to be a lot of things that ‘you don’t want’. It’s important to navigate through that.  [11:20] There has to be a reason why two people join together and it has to be for more than just love.  [18:50] How can you move through a relationship consciously?  [23:00] When you’re in the middle of conflict, how do you resolve it or go through it in a healthy way?  [28:35] Sometimes, you need to fall on your sword so that you and your partner can find a way to communicate again. It’s a team sport.  [32:40] Like with everything, good conflict resolution is a skill that anybody can learn. As you learn, you’ll make mistakes, you won’t be perfect, but you will get better at it.  [33:30] How do you have agreement when there’s been a betrayal?    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Thepactinstitute.com In Each Other’s Care by Dr. Stan Tatkin   QUOTES: “Conflict is a very human thing. If you’re a human primate, you’re going to get into conflict.” “In a relationship that we are creating, we have to define it. We have to make sure that we are creating the same picture in our heads.” “Love and attraction wanes. A lot goes. But we’re still accountable if we’re going to play fair and work together.”

Dr. Rob continues his discussion with Jay and Larry, two men in recovery, to help people understand that addiction is a lot more complex than it seems on the surface. The opinion you have of yourself can keep you stuck in destructive patterns. It’s so important to consciously put yourself in healthy and positive environments, like in a recovery or group program, if you ever wish to break free from the power of addiction.     TAKEAWAYS: [2:00] Larry had this internal dialogue going through his head, “This is just who you are.” [3:20] Larry’s wife found out about him acting out at least 4-5 times. He shares how it completely tore her about.  [6:55] Larry didn’t realize all of his lies were causing his wife PTSD.  [7:25] If there was anything that Larry could change, it would be to tell the truth and to tell it faster.  [8:45] Jay was living in a fantasy world and he didn’t realize it was destroying the people who loved and cared for him.  [13:05] Why did Jay go to a residential program? Wasn’t group therapy enough?  [15:45] Jay was able to prove through actions that he was taking his recovery seriously.  [18:00] Larry’s experience with Dr. Rob was life changing.  [22:15] Mentorship is a very important piece to recovery. Jay has taken this on as part of his recovery and healing journey.  [24:00] When you lose trust with the people you love, then you lose what really defines the relationship.    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss   QUOTES: “What other people don’t know won’t hurt them; is probably the biggest lie in addiction.” “I would think I was telling the truth, but I wasn’t. I’d change a slight detail.” “A residential program accelerated my recovery. I was surrounded by people who were experts in the field and at the same time I had peers who made me feel safe.”

Dr. Rob speaks with two people in recovery, Jay and Larry, about their addiction and the type of damage it has caused their families. Jay and Larry also talk about why they felt comfort in their addictions and how their lives have been improved now that they are sober and aware of their problem.   TAKEAWAYS: [2:25] Why did Jay seek help and go to treatment? [4:15] Jay was frustrated that he couldn’t fix himself on his own. [5:25] Larry shares his experience with addiction.  [6:05] Larry was so afraid of connecting with people, which is why he found comfort with porn.  [9:15] At first, Larry thought it was his wife’s problem on why they were having issues. It turned out, it was his addiction that was the problem. [12:30] Why did it take Jay 45 years to seek professional help? [15:50] Jay’s first therapist did not believe in sex addiction. She thought he was just a liar. [18:55] Why did Larry keep telling his wife about the slips he had with porn? Why didn’t he just keep it a secret? [21:15] Larry knew it was unhealthy, and Larry knew it was terrible, but he couldn’t stop.  [26:15] Jay talks a little bit about his childhood, and why he found comfort in sex with strangers.  [30:00] When Jay would travel, it would trigger him because he was so lonely and he wanted to act out to fill the void. [32:35] Jay would try to use willpower for it to go away, but he just couldn’t sustain it.   RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss   QUOTES: “I tried to do this on my own, but it wasn’t until I got group therapy where I was able to get through my shame.” “Just going to a weekly meeting wasn’t enough. It wasn’t working. I was in a state of denial.” “I never realized what I was doing was part of an addiction. I thought I was just being a guy.”

Dr. Rob speaks with Alcohol Counselor Gary Seidler about the long-term effects children experience when living in an alcoholic home. Gary and Dr. Rob talks about trauma, the importance of storytelling and the ability to vocalize some of your unique experiences with addiction, and they offer clarification on what is considered a true addiction in this week’s episode.    TAKEAWAYS: [2:45] At the root of every addiction, there is some form of trauma.  [4:25] What is the difference between big T and little T trauma?  [7:30] More and more people are talking about the traumas they grew up with.  [9:40] How do you know if you have an addiction? Isn’t technically everything an addiction? [14:00] Children of alcoholics are completely focused on the other person.  [14:45] Gary is currently writing a book for adult children of sex addicts. What are some of the similarities/differences Gary sees among this group?  [17:20] Adult children of sex addicts often carry a lot of shame about their own sexual behavior and sexuality.  [19:30] These adult children have a very unique lens of extremes. Gary expands on what this means.  [22:10] How do these adult children deal with intimacy?  [23:30] With the internet, you’re just one click away from seeing whatever sexual content you want. [26:45] Unfortunately, young children are learning about sex from porn.   [31:05] Are you sure you don’t need help? Remember that denial is the enemy.  [33:30] Sex addiction feels so personal to the family even though it’s not the spouse or children’s fault.  [36:05] Your internal shame can slowly go away by talking about it in a support group.  RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Gary on LinkedIn   QUOTES: “When our family [appears] perfect or you don’t talk about it, we don’t learn.” “Nobody comes to treatment to grow personally. People come in because they’re in crisis.” “We adapt to situations that are intolerable when we love somebody.”

Dr. Rob speaks with Alcohol Counselor Gary Seidler about the long-term effects children experience when living in an alcoholic home. What happens to these children when they become older? Should children know about their parent’s substance abuse and sex addiction issues? And what should adult children be aware of now that they’re no longer in an alcoholic home? All these questions and more are answered on this week’s podcast.    TAKEAWAYS: [3:55] A little bit about Gary and his work in the mental health field.  [5:55] Why did Gary pursue this work with adult children of alcoholics?  [12:00] What are the symptoms of these adult children who grew up around or in alcoholic homes?  [16:30] Why was there such a need for young adults of alcoholics to have a rooms program?  [21:10] Addiction is a family issue. No one is truly suffering alone.  [22:20] Gary shares some of the people he admires over the years that have done great things in this field.  [24:30] In the early days of these adult children of alcoholic conferences, it was the first time some of these people could voice their pain and hurt with others who also understood.  [25:20] Addiction is passed on generationally. It doesn’t just stop at the addict. [30:10] Remember, going into rehab is only the beginning of your rehab journey.  [31:25] Gary shares his own personal experience with addiction and recovery.  [37:25] What does recovery mean to Gary?   RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Gary on LinkedIn   QUOTES: “John Bradshaw brought to the public consciousness the idea the dysfunction is not just in the addict, it spreads to the entire family.” “Addiction is really a family affair.” “For every addict, there are 3, 4, 5 people who are deeply affected.”

Dr. Rob invites Spiritual Counselor and Pastor, Jason Swilling, on to the podcast today. Jason works with Dr. Rob at the Seeking Integrity clinic. It doesn’t matter what religion you believe in, or do not believe in, this is a great podcast episode for anyone who wants to understand their connection to a higher power and what that might mean for you. It doesn’t matter if you are Muslim, Christian, or even an Atheist, Dr. Rob and Jason have some answers for you.    TAKEAWAYS: [2:05] A little bit about Jason and how he found Dr. Rob and his clinic.  [3:00] Although Jason studied Christianity and comes from that background. How does he work with people of other faiths?  [5:55] How does Jason help people work with some of their regrets and the things they did that went against their religious and moral beliefs?  [7:40] It’s not about failing God, it’s about failing yourself.  [11:05] How do you find your way back to God/religion?  [17:25] What about the people who do not have any religion or faith? How does Jason navigate that?  [18:00] In the 12-step program, you need some kind of faith. How do atheists manage or stay sober?  [23:20] It all comes down to your connection with others. Unfortunately, a lot of religious communities have forgotten this aspect.  [29:20] Dr. Rob feels like a lot of people are not welcomed in their religious communities and people then feel compelled to hide their shame and imperfections.  [35:15] As you share your secrets in a safe community, people in recovery get to experience something really beautiful for the first time. [39:25] Your recovery program works if you work it. Jason is proof of that.    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss   QUOTES: “The spirituality of 12-step recovery is all inclusive. There is no discrimination against certain religions.” “Often times a spirituality of a person is that it’s just me and God alone. I can take God off the shelf and I can put God on the shelf. And usually I put God on the shelf whenever I act out.” “I have friends who are atheists who are long-time sober and don’t believe in God. Religion or any of that, is not necessary to work the recovery program to stay sober.”

Dr. Rob joins this week’s podcast in a solo episode to talk about the concept of forgiveness. The truth is, there is no true deadline or timeframe as to when you should forgive someone for all the hurt and damage they’ve caused you, so how do you move forward? Dr. Rob shares the stages of forgiveness and offers context and support on why you might still be resentful and/or revengeful towards the person that hurt you the most.    TAKEAWAYS: [2:30] How do you forgive someone you do not trust? [3:45] Many people believe they don’t think they could ever forgive or forget the damage their addict has caused them. [4:20] Forgiving and forgetting are not the same thing.  [9:30] Other people were able to see it, so why couldn’t you? Dr. Rob shares why.  [13:20] There are many stages of grief and we can flutter in between each of them back and forth.  [17:15] You have the right to be upset! You have the right to be furious!  [20:20] No one is truly ready to forgive. You can’t just say ‘now is the time’.  [23:30] How do you not hold a grudge/be resentful when your addict is on their path to recovery?  [28:15] If someone doesn’t want to act with empathy and to think of the other person, then they shouldn’t be in a relationship.  [33:00] It’s so attractive and validating to want to punish your addict for all the transgressions they’ve done to you.  [36:10] What are the stages of forgiveness?  [37:35] You can get stuck during the forgiveness process. This isn’t an easy thing to do.    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss   QUOTES: “The whole idea of forgiveness creates conflict within us because we feel we need to reach a ‘certain point’ and at that point, we’re ready to forgive” “A lot of us struggle with forgiveness because, in part, we blame ourselves. We say, ‘We should have known.’ and that’s when forgiveness becomes complicated.” “There’s a great reality of this loss and its effects. We can’t deny them, we can’t push them away, and we can’t say to ourselves ‘it’s time to forgive’.”

Dr. Jessica Higgins is a licensed Psychologist with two graduate degrees in psychology and today she continues her discussion around forgiveness in part two of this episode. Dr. Rob and Dr. Jessica talk about why expressing vulnerability is not a weakness but an opening to a better relationship future, how to recover after a conflict and speak your peace, and why emotional unavailability and lack of connection tend to be more painful than the actual act of cheating in itself.    TAKEAWAYS: [1:30] It is possible to communicate healthy agreements on what is acceptable and unacceptable in your relationship. [3:30] Sometimes therapists assume or expect that the betrayed spouse will know how to react or talk to their spouse who is struggling with addiction.  [7:10] Instead of complaining to your spouse right away, there are benefits to journaling or writing down your thoughts about what their actions meant to you and how you perceived it.  [9:10] If we share vulnerability, your partner is more likely going to respond positively to that than if you were to act aggressively or accusatory.  [11:30] After reading hundreds of letters from betrayed spouses, it was never the cheating that hurt them the most. It was the emotional unavailability.  [14:30] You can show up in little ways and it will begin you on the path of having your betrayed partner feel valued again.  [18:20] The most important part to relationships is how you repair after a conflict or mistake.  [22:20] What are some indicators that a relationship is completely done?  [25:30] Interested in working with Dr. Jessica? Link to her website is in the show notes.    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Drjessicahiggins.com Shifting Criticism guide Empowered Relationship Podcast link Dr. Jessica Higgins Website QUOTES: “There’s an attempt to control your partner [when feeling hurt], this is understandable to want to feel that protection, to help your partnership, but it’s counterintuitive. It’s going to create a false sense of trust.” “Almost every time, betrayed partners write about how [their partner] felt unavailable. Didn’t think about how much I really needed you. You didn’t open up to me and I felt alone.” “The harm people cause each other is not the important part of this whole picture. We make mistakes. The important part is all in the repair. It’s not that you make a mistake, it’s you going back and saying you didn’t do that right.”

After a huge betrayal, it can be nearly impossible to come back to the center and find forgiveness. Some couples are ready to move forward and to forgive, but they keep getting stuck in the negative patterns of their betrayal, hurt, and distrust. Is there a healthy way to move forward? Should you even forgive in the first place? Dr. Jessica Higgins is a licensed Psychologist with two graduate degrees in psychology. She explains how you can move through these emotions and reach a place of repair within your relationship in this week’s episode.    TAKEAWAYS: [2:00] A little bit about Dr. Jessica.  [4:55] How do you help someone find peace after a deep betrayal?  [8:45] There is no guarantee around not being betrayed.  [10:35] It’s a different feeling when someone shows up to the relationship with intentionally vs. passivity.  [14:00] How do you move a couple forward from being stuck in a place of anger?  [18:45] Would it be helpful for the addict to explain their childhood to their partner?  [23:35] When will the betrayed spouse forgive me?  [25:40] Some people feel like if they remain resentful, they’re teaching the other person a lesson.    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Drjessicahiggins.com QUOTES: “A lot of spouses are looking for a guarantee. What you’re doing [today] isn’t really real and I want you to prove it.” “There is a part of me that really wants to trust you and feel like I’m not managing you.” “There are 350 definitions of forgiveness. There are some nuances and it can be hard to pin down what you’re dealing with.”

After a successful career on Wall Street, where issues regarding sex, money, and power are legendary, Debra L. Kaplan merged her fascination with narcissism, sex, power, and control with her studies in psychology. Debra’s book, For Love and Money, became the inspiration for her groundbreaking clinical work. In part 2 of this episode, Debra continues her discussion around infidelity and money, how to heal after a financial betrayal, and what compromise looks like.    TAKEAWAYS: [2:00] The way a couple handles money is how they handle other issues in their relationship.  [4:35] What should couples do when they’re in crisis and are trying to regain control of their finances?  [5:35] Sit down and come up with a game plan on what you both want out of this relationship and its future [6:45] How can couples begin to work towards healing?  [9:15] Dr. Rob shares a personal story around the challenge between recovery and money.  [11:40] As an addict through and through, and being in recovery, you have to learn how to not be selfish.  [18:45] What’s Debra’s new book about?  [21:15] Not everyone can afford therapy, but Debra created this book for couples who need the help.    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Debrakaplancounseling.com Financialtherapyassociation.org   QUOTES: “If there’s been infidelity, secret keeping, and lies around money, absolutely seek help.” “I had to say no to something I wanted and every time I saw that [dream] car in the street, I feel bad, but I did the right thing.” “You don’t have to be talking about money, you can be talking about ‘coupleship’ like raising your kids, but money is the biggest one.”

Dr. Ken M. Adams began his professional career in 1981 treating children, adolescents, and their families. In 1985 he began private practice with the Children of Alcoholic Parents program, an outpatient program for the treatment of adults who had grown up in alcoholic families. He is a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT), a CSAT supervisor, and CSAT training facilitator as well as an EMDR practitioner. In this episode, Dr. Ken gives an overview on what an enmeshment relationship looks like, his latest book catered specifically for adult children of sex addicts, and talks about how to recover from a broken home.    TAKEAWAYS: [2:00] A little bit about Dr. Ken. [4:25] What happens to children that allow them to struggle later on in life?  [7:20] What’s so wrong with having a good relationship with your parents?  [9:15] Empathic children deeply worry about their parents and often, enmeshment happens because the parent did not set proper or clear boundaries.  [16:10] Dr. Ken is out with a new book, A Light in the Dark. Why did he decide to write it?  [22:10] All the children surveyed said they were negatively impacted by what their sex addict parent did.  [25:55] Adult children are often confused about what’s a normal sexual experience.  [30:35] Children aren’t stupid. They know what’s going on and often get put in a bad position where they have to protect their mother or father’s anger towards the sex addict.  [33:40] How should a sex addict tell their children about their problems?  [37:25] The shame that these adult children carry, it is not their shame to carry.    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Sexualhealth-addiction.com When He’s Married to Mom by Dr. Ken M. Adams A Light in the Dark: The Hidden Legacy of Adult Children of Sex Addicts by Ken M. Adams QUOTES: “The romantic partner always becomes second tier to the enmeshed man or woman’s parents.” “It’s always the parent’s job that they stay in charge of what is a normal love affair between parent and child.” “Your children are not your children. They’re life’s longing for itself. They come through you, but not from you.” “88% of children were aware or witnessed their parent’s sexually addicted behavior.”

Dr. Evelyn Higgins is the Founder and CEO of Wired for Addiction. She is a recognized expert in addiction and has 25 years of clinical practice as well as dedicated over 16 years of research and development in the science of addiction recovery. In this week’s episode, Dr. Higgins talks the environment vs. genes and how it shows up in addiction, explores the idea of an ‘addiction cure’, and so much more on this week’s episode.    TAKEAWAYS: [2:00] A little bit about Dr. Higgins. [4:20] What is considered an addiction? [6:35] No one sets out to becoming an addict. [6:55] Our environment has a big impact on us…but our genetics also play a part.  [7:45] Are we biologically/genetically wired to become addicts?  [11:40] Why can’t you cure addiction?  [16:50] You can make healthy choices! The first step is understanding your stressors. [20:45] Dr. Weiss has seen people in recovery who still keep struggling. They’re ‘white knuckling’ it.  [26:40] Unfortunately, what might work for one person, might not work for another.  [27:20] How do we teach the public to better understand addiction?  [34:40] The medical community is very subjective because it’s based on vocabulary (what the patient says) instead of blood tests and body chemistry results.  [36:25] There’s still quite a bit of inequity in the medical field, but there are small steps forward happening. [39:35] What are the next steps for someone who wants to stay sober?   RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss DoctorHiggins.com QUOTES: “The stigma is that this is actually a mental health disease and no one sets out to ruin their life and have all these other reactions from society.” “We all strive to make our lives easier.” “We now know we can change the expression of genes. That’s so powerful. We can make changes in someone’s life.” “No one [in congress] wanted their names on these bills because of the stigma around mental health.”

Dr. Aaron Weiner, Ph.D., ABPP is a board-certified Psychologist and addiction specialist and speaks nationally on the topics of addiction, behavioral health, and the impact of drug policy on public health. In this episode, Dr. Aaron talks about childhood trauma, whether addicts are inherently bad people and the pain that people often hold deep down that they’ve suppressed and compartmentalized.   TAKEAWAYS: [2:11] Why does relapse even happen? If the addict really loves me, why can’t they just stop? [3:10] Your betrayed partner is hurt, but they love you and they don’t want to see you in pain. [5:45] How do you tell a partner that you’ve relapsed or have a slip? [6:35] Many spouses feel so disconnected from their addict.  [9:15] You may continue with your addiction, but it will never be the same. You will always hurt your family.  [11:00] Are addicts bad people? Are they just going to keep hurting people?  [15:20] Do addictive personalities exist? [16:40] Childhood trauma disrupts your entire worldview. [21:35] People often want to know why this is happening, but it’s equally important to understand how it’s happening and how to stop.  [27:00] We are going to get stressed and it’s natural that you want to hide from that stress, but there are better ways to solve that problem.  [30:10] Can you fix addiction? [32:45] Dr. Aaron offers some helpful workbooks and solutions to help you with your recovery journey.  RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Weinerphd.com Dr. Aaron on LinkedIn QUOTES: “I’m an addict and I don’t want to see it. I don’t want to be reminded of it. Addicts will jump over the problem.” “One of the things I see betrayed partner’s looking for is empathy. The addict gets into recovery, but they’re still assholes.” “Almost every client that comes to Seeking Integrity wants to know ‘why’. I can show you why, but you really need to learn how to stop.” “We are always going to be faced with stressors in our life and we are always going to want to feel better.”

Dr. Aaron Weiner, Ph.D., ABPP is a board-certified Psychologist and addiction specialist and speaks nationally on the topics of addiction, behavioral health, and the impact of drug policy on public health. His perspective is informed by years of experience growing and directing addiction service lines for hospitals and healthcare systems, the current state of medical and psychological research, and his own observations in private practice. In this episode. Dr. Aaron talks about process addictions and how they differ from substance addictions.   TAKEAWAYS: [1:40] A little bit about Dr. Aaron and his career. [4:10] Addictions and addictive behaviors are very misunderstood. [7:00] Why do these ‘non-substance’ addictions exist?  [9:10] Sexual content is so easily accessible.  [10:50] Social media apps want to be addicting. Dr. Aaron ran an experiment and moved his icons around so that he wouldn’t click on the same addictive apps over and over again. [13:00] How do I know if I have a process addiction?  [16:00] It’s easy to lie to yourself to avoid the discomfort or the consequences of your actions. [18:10] There is a normalization in process behaviors. People want you to ‘binge’ on movies or ‘be addicted’ to video games. [22:55] Insurance companies will pay for food-eating disorders but won’t consider a gaming disorder.  [25:40] What is an FMRI?  [27:30] A lot of therapists like to pretend the body doesn’t exist from the neck down. Dr. Aaron explains what he means.  [29:50] An addiction forms because the person is just trying to find some way for peace and stability.  RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Weinerphd.com Dr. Aaron on LinkedIn QUOTES: “Someone’s life can be completely bulldozed by an addiction that has nothing to do with a chemical you put in your body.” “When it comes to process addictions and where we draw the line unless we’re having an anger point with consequences, it’s societally defined.” “You can see when brains change when someone is compulsive vs. not. It’s very clear that the brain works differently when someone is addicted.” “I view addictive behaviors simply as overgrown or malignant coping mechanisms.”

Dr. Rob and Tami talk about how betrayed spouses can take care of themselves, especially if their addict is not showing up in a way that they need to. They also answer a question from an emotional man, who has been in recovery for the last two years, and use it as a showcase on why recovery really does work when you put in the work. When you commit 100%, you will see the results.    TAKEAWAYS: [:45] My SA husband never wants to have sex. What gives? [6:10] As a betrayed partner, you need to do self-healing work. Your partner has lied to you for over 2 decades.  [7:20] It’s common for addicts to gaslight you and confuse you whenever you stand up for yourself.   [10:25] My betrayed spouse doesn’t seem as invested in this recovery journey as I am. I am trying my best, what can I do?  [13:10] I’m interested in taking the Out of the Doghouse course. When does it start? [15:50] I’ve been in recovery for two years. I’m more emotional than ever, and my wife thinks this is strange. How can I help her understand what’s happening?  [20:30] ADHD and addiction? Is there a connection?    RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Doug Tieman got his start in the treatment field over 40 years ago at the Hazelden Foundation. During his time there, he served as Executive Vice President of Marketing & Development. In 1995, he joined Caron Treatment centers as the President and CEO, a position he’s currently held for 28 years. In part 2 of this episode, Doug shares his own recovery journey and why his wife continued to stay by his side despite the bad reputation and betrayal he caused in active addiction. Doug and Dr. Rob also share when to seek out help if you’re struggling with a substance problem.    TAKEAWAYS: [1:25] Why did Doug’s wife stay by his side?  [2:10] This is an illness.  [2:55] As a way to repair the relationship, Doug started dating his wife again.  [5:20] Doug felt so much guilt that he had failed his family. He decided to put 100% on his recovery, even if it meant working 14 hours on this to do so.  [7:45] How could Doug love his wife and at the same time act out and be a sex & love addict?  [9:10] Doug has a book out, Flying Over the Pigpen. What’s it about?  [14:00] How do you find a good treatment facility?  [16:00] What kind of questions should you be asking before you enter into a treatment facility?  [17:25] What are the signs you need help? [19:10] With addiction, it only escalates.    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Caron.org Doug on LinkedIn Flying Over the Pigpen by Doug Tieman   QUOTES: “For anyone who suffers from an addiction, that is our first and foremost love affair. We are incapable of having a lasting, meaningful relationship.” “I was incapable of a true loving relationship with my wife even though I wanted to because of my substance use and my sex and love addiction.” “I always loved my wife, but I was incapable of showing it in a true and meaningful way until I got into recovery.” “In addiction, you draw the line and then you redraw it because you cross it. When that happens, get help.”

Doug Tieman got his start in the treatment field over 40 years ago at the Hazelden Foundation. During his time there, he served as Executive Vice President of Marketing & Development. In 1995, he joined Caron Treatment centers as the President and CEO, a position he’s currently held for 28 years. Over the last 4 decades, Doug has seen the way professional's and the public’s perception of addiction has changed. In this episode, Doug shares what massive improvements we’ve undergone over the years and what the mental health industry has been doing to deliver better quality results to its patients.   TAKEAWAYS: [1:40] A little bit about Doug Tieman and his career. [3:20] As someone who’s been in the treatment and recovery space for 40 years, what has changed over the decades?  [4:00] Back then, anyone who was seen as an ‘addict’ had a willpower issue.  [6:00] In the 80s, you would have been kicked out of a treatment center for exercising.  [8:40] Sometimes, you would put people on the ‘hot seat’, where you almost tore into them as a form of tough love. However, we now know that’s one of the worst things you can do to someone with trauma.  [12:15] Why is addiction considered a mental health problem?  [16:40] Unfortunately, if the only tool you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.  [17:00] What are some of the known problems about the mental health industry and its ability to treat people?  [19:20] Doug is in recovery himself. Despite being in the field for a long time, in 2008, he got his first DUI and realized he had a problem.  [25:30] As Doug found his recovery later in life, does he feel compelled to make up for ‘lost time’ in his adult children’s lives?  [28:50] Doug’s DUI made page six of the New York Post. The information was out there. Doug had to make a decision to communicate his struggles to his children. [30:45] There’s so much good that can come from being in recovery. He has no more secrets.    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Caron.org Doug on LinkedIn QUOTES: “When I started this work in the 80s, substance abuse treatment was a real mystery for most people.” “Even when we didn’t have the medical or scientific information that we would have today, treatment facilitators did their best. We believed in loving people back to health.” “This is an evolving field. We now know more about addiction as a brain chemistry and we’re unlocking new mysteries of the brain all the time.” “Individuals who suffer from mental health typically abuse substances. People who abuse substances typically have a mental health [condition] that goes along with it.”

Dr. Crystal Hollenbeck is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor and a Florida State Qualified Supervisor for those seeking a license in Mental Health Counseling or Marriage and Family Therapy.  In addition, she is also a Certified Professional Life Coach.  Being a Therapist and a Life Coach gives her the unique ability to help clients heal from the past and live their best life today. In this episode, Dr. Crystal discusses what happens when a betrayed partner feels so angry and can’t seem to forgive. Is there ever a way out of this hurt? The answer is yes. Listen in for more.    TAKEAWAYS: [1:40] A little bit about Dr. Crystal. [2:50] When someone has been deeply betrayed/hurt, how does anger show up?  [6:00] Anger and pain shows up at different times.  [10:00] Despite all the pain, you have to take responsibility for when you are upset.  [12:50] Dr. Crystal shares her lego principal.  [15:45] What happens in the brain when someone gets better from depression?  [16:55] What is abusive behavior? [19:50] What happens if you want to let go of your anger but you’re nowhere near forgiveness?  [25:45] You don’t need to let go of the anger, you just need to process it.  [27:45] If you’ve been betrayed, please consider therapy.  [33:10]  What do you do if your family members get angry for you?  [37:05] Dr. Crystal likes to use the CBT Therapy method to help her clients through their pain.  [40:45] Does betrayal affect same-sex couples differently?    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Crystalhollenbeck.com QUOTES: “It’s normal to be angry, but you can’t hurt yourself for somebody else when you are angry.” “Sometimes anger can be very non-productive.” “No matter how much you’ve hurt him back, it’s not going to make him understand how much he’s hurt you.” “Forgiving doesn’t have to mean forgetting.”

Today Rob welcomes respected colleague and filmmaker, Paul Ginocchio. Paul talks about his work as an MFT and CSAT, and the intention and inspiration behind creating his film The Courage to Love. He and Rob dig deeper on the difference between sex addiction and offending, the positive emotional impact upon men that stand up and speak out about their sexual problems, and about how Paul himself moved forward to find healing and redemption in his own struggles.   Paul’s willingness to share and put himself out there has created a path for many to help rebuild their own lives and find recovery and love that they may have never thought possible.   TAKEAWAYS: [1:09] Paul is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist, MFT, CSAT, with a private practice in the San Francisco Bay area. He specializes in couples therapy, and the assessment and treatment of sexual addiction. Paul is also the creator of the film The Courage To Love, a pioneering documentary film about sex addiction that tells the personal journeys of four individuals from the shame of sexual addiction to the hope and healing of recovery. [5:07] In Paul’s personal case of sex addiction, he felt it became an almost pathological need for release and validation to gratify him as an individual and his own self-worth. In his teenage years, he felt like porn was the first red flag where he knew he was out of control, but didn’t know what the term for it was or where to even begin to seek help.   [6:25] Paul went to his first meeting in the Mission District in San Francisco during the mid 90’s, and tells his account of how intimidating the first experience of talking about his issue was to him. He was petrified but knew he had something in common with the guys, even though their particular story was different than his. It took him a few years of attending on and off before he fully committed to the 12-step program with Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. [10:22] Paul encourages first-timers to commit to attending at least five meetings, and understand that it’s normal and natural to compare yourself to others in the room, both for better or worse. [11:49] Paul has a background in documentary filmmaking and possessed a love for making film and videos since childhood. As part of his 11-step he went to a 10 day silent meditation retreat, and the idea of the film and the title came to him as he was mid-retreat. He started shooting it 2007 while in grad school as a therapist, and first tried to pull from his connections within S.L.A.A, but quickly realized most people wanted to remain anonymous and weren’t ready to be public about their addiction and struggles. Despite his initial hesitation, he appeared as a subject in the video, and found Jay by googling “sex addiction memoirs”. Jay then introduced him to Greg, and years later Silvia got in touch and she was added, which has been a saving grace to connect females to the film. [15:56] Paul chose to go even beyond sex addiction and include Jay, who was an offender and who acts out in exhibitionism. [17:46] Exhibitionism and voyeurism are misdemeanor offenses, and often have highly addictive components. Sexual offending is exhibiting and engaging in nonconsensual sex and/or behavior. The Courage to Love film gives hope to the offender community, that there is a place to go and get help. [21:46] Paul talks about how the film has affected his work as a therapist, and the ability for the stories in the film to inspire others to open up and share their own stories. If he had to make a new film today, he would broaden the perspective to include the partner and spouses of addicts and couples in recovery. [30:15] The landscape of today’s modern digital age produces a much different plight than over the recent decades.   RESOURCES Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Out of the Doghouse Out of the Doghouse for Christian Men The Courage To Love The Courage to Love on Amazon The Courage to Love on YouTube S.L.A.

Dr. Carol Clark, Board Certified Sex Therapist and Board Certified Transgender Care Therapist, joins Ron for a talk on human sexuality, addiction and intimacy. She and Rob discuss what it really means to be a sex addict, the difference between true addiction and a behavior that is deemed unacceptable, and how we face, process, and move forward in situations that are often confusing and difficult.   Lastly, Dr. Clark shares the variety of interventions that she currently uses to assist clients seeking personal growth and mental health. She is Certified in Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing and specializes in treating sex addiction and gender dysphoria.   TAKEAWAYS: [3:51] Dr. Clark gets a lot of questions relating to sexuality and sexual identity from both couples and individuals. She breaks down the definition and meaning behind the words “gay”, “bixsexual” and “homosexuality”, and how they relate to sex and gender, and addiction. [5:03] Dr. Clark defines addiction as, “obsessive compulsive, out of control behavior done in spite of negative consequences to self or others.” In a sex addiction, sex is the drug of choice. There are many aspects to sexuality and attraction, including development in puberty and adolescent stage of life. To fully know if someone is an addict, there is much to be discovered, history to uncover and analyzing the energy that goes into the behavior. [9:56] When we get stuck at different parts of life, we must address the trauma, no matter how small. It’s traumatic for an individual to question their orientation with their loved ones denying their feelings or even threatening impending consequences if they were to follow their impulses. Rob sees people from very conservative or morality driven environments struggle with sexuality more than people who don’t come from those environments. [11:54] When someone is looking to get help, or even just to uncover what may be going on with their own arousal or orientation issues, it is important they seek someone that has education in Human Sexuality. [14:27] Whereas intimacy is about connection, addiction is about disconnection. Rob quotes a friend, “Sex for sex addicts, with a partner who they are really committed to, is not about being horny, it’s about being willing.” A lot of sex addicts are so used to being immediately aroused by a new stimulus, they often feel disappointed when they don’t feel that with their long term steady partners. [16:28] Dr. Clark’s book, Addict America: The Lost Connection, explores our culture’s tendency to look externally for internal validation. This never fills us, and sends us into an addictive place, seeking more with no success. [18:25] Rob explains the term secondary gains, and how for some people it may be just a simple behavior such as going to get a drink, or having sex as a way to foster intimacy and connection. For others, they will do a behavior to try and fill their void, or numb their pain. [23:21] Dr. Clark says that when someone comes in to her office who has been encouraged to deny or push away any part of who they inherently are, there is much work to be done. [23:40] Dr. Clark helps her clients process negative events and turn them around through EMDR, or Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. After they reprocess the old memories, they can move forward and explore what is congruent with their own beliefs. [30:43] No couples are going to agree 100% of the time on sexual desires and what makes them aroused. Dr. Clark and Rob both agree that what is important is the communication between partners to identify what works for that particular relationship. The world of sex addiction is becoming less rigid about a one size fits all approach for everyone, and becoming articulated towards what works for that individual and their love lives.   RESOURCES Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Out of the Doghouse Out of the Doghouse for Christian Men Addict America: The

In a world of self-centered social media and “it’s about me” culture, the work Tara Lemasters is doing is of utmost importance. Tara is a Licensed Therapist and an expert on the issue of narcissism, what it is and what it’s not, and our need to understand more deeply what a diagnosis of narcissism means. She and Rob also discuss when exhibitions of narcissism are normal and healthy vs. when self-obsession begins to take a turn into something much darker, and the difference between narcissist self-obsession and real empathy.   TAKEAWAYS: [1:24] Narcissism is almost something that is correlated with addiction. Most people that have problems with drugs and alcohol also have problems with how they see themselves. [2:05] Over the past 5 years, the term narcissism has become embraced in every relationship situation in our culture. The problem is not the word itself, but when a narcissist finds themselves more attached to their needs and addictions then the people they care about, with no fear of suffering consequences. [4:00] The term Narcissism is derived from Narcissus, a figure from Greek Mythology. This mythical being was so handsome that he fell in love with his own image reflected in a pool of water. [4:53] Our material and outward focused culture supports narcissism and the belief of “I must have / get more to succeed and be liked.” Social media also supports the tendency for us to show off or portray certain things to get likes or shares, making us feel more important and connected. [6:22] Rob explains how every addict is a narcissist when engaged in their addictions. It shows up in sex addicts when it is an abandonment of core values and beliefs, at the expense of compartmentalizing what they want, when they want it. The addicts puts the need to satisfy their own needs above others, and hide it so they can have their cake and eat it too. [9:38] Tara believes that the process of healing is a process of creating greater empathy for oneself personally, and for the people in their life that their actions have an impact on. When Tara’s clients start to experience grief regarding how their actions have affected who they loved ones, a crack of empathy starts to come through. [11:20] In the early stages of healing, Rob often sees narcissist self-obsession, where the addict is worried or upset about how judgements hurts and affects them, and their self image. Later on in the healing process, when they feel true empathy, the focus will be on how their actions impacted their loved ones. [13:14] Expectations do not always reflect reality when a partner wishes for their narcissist partner to heal and deal with their issue quickly. It may often take a while, and this can be very frustrating for a partner whose world has been shattered. Tara recommends that the hurt partner focus as much as they can on self-care and finding support of their own. [19:57] Narcissistic people tend to lack empathy, so they will do whatever pleases them the most, and not think about how that affects the people around them. There is a difference between narcissism and sociopathy, where narcissism tend to have intact remorse which may be brought out during treatment, but sociopaths are incapable of feeling empathy whatsoever. [24:46] Most men are problem solvers, and want to fix the problem they created. Their version of making things better may be radically different than how long it takes for their partner to heal from the hurt of their actions. [30:49] After a betrayal and initial trust is broken, it can never be the same again. Partners must rebuild together from the ground up, and it’s very similar to rebuilding a house from scratch.   RESOURCES Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Out of the Doghouse Out of the Doghouse for Christian Men Narcissus in Greek Mythology Tara LeMasters   QUOTES: “Narcissism implies that the externals is going to help determine how you think of me. Our culture certainly supports that.”   “A

Dr. James Wadley is on a mission to bring openness and community to those from all walks of life that may otherwise have shied away from stepping forward to get help for themselves or their families. He is an advocate and voice for healing across the world and is passionate about working with both those in the community and training the professional leaders that work with them. He is an Associate Professor and Director of the Master of Human Services program at The Lincoln University and licensed professional counselor in Pennsylvania and New Jersey. He is the founding editor of the scholarly, interdisciplinary journal, the Journal of Black Sexuality and Relationships (University of Nebraska Press).   Dr. Wadley talks with Rob about his background in education and educational leadership, his program development to help African Americans know where to turn when seeking treatment, and ways to improve the current structure so everyone feels welcome and deserving to be part of whatever it is that will serve them towards their health. He and Rob also discuss the ways that African American communities are typically underserved when it comes to mental health and addiction programs, especially sexual addiction, how we can help minorities step out of the hidden secrets of addiction and into the light of healing and hope.   TAKEAWAYS: [2:52] Dr. Wadley has worked with African Americans and minority groups for many decades, and still finds misconceptions, and mistrust around the community and medical and mental health professions. It is great for someone struggling to get initial support and advice from a member in the community or social group, but non-medical help can only go so far, and oftentimes their response comes from a pre existing belief, stereotype or myth. [5:06] Dr. Wadley and his colleagues actively try to work towards people having a “sex positive” approach towards sexuality. This means facing and dealing with the stigma and trauma of sexual expression in the African decent, whether it’s stereotypes surrounding the community, or the way they express their own sexual identity. [7:16] Rob and Dr. Wadley run into the same type of problems, but in different ways. Minority groups tend to not seek out professional help for their issue, and even when they do, the factor of access and finding a professional of a similar minority is usually of importance as well. [8:18] Although other cultures deal with sexual addiction just as much as the white culture, there are several factors that make up why they seek professional and 12-step treatment groups less. First, if they walk in and see that they are the only representative of their minority, they are less likely to open up and share, thus reducing the likelihood of ever returning again. [11:08] Dr. Wadley finds that spending time in the community is a way to at least open the conversation with people regarding their sexual behavior and help them get their guard down to see that there is no judgement or stigma around seeking help. [15:08] Dr. Wadley credits a lot of his success to the positive and inspirational people around him. [18:02] Although the communities may be different, the pain and shame of addiction is the same across the board no matter race or ethnicity. The top sexual issues among Rob’s young male clients are the same as Dr. Wadley’s - online porn, hookup apps, traditional affair / anonymous sex and prostitutes. Seeking out help online is better for anonymity, but individuals must be in the know that they are expected to share vulnerably everything they are dealing with. [21:22] Rob and Dr. Wadley discuss the difference of options when a couple has financial means and resources vs. when they need to stay together because divorce or separating just isn’t an option financially. [26:42] On a recent trip to Cuba, Dr. Wadley appreciated how he could fully experience the culture, as it is one of the few places that hasn’t been colonized.   RESOURCES Sex and Relati

Today’s topic is one of the most important, yet least covered subjects matter in sex addiction - redemption. Rob is joined by special guest Tom Ryan to talk about recovery, hope, the dichotomy of holding a position of power and prestige when dealing with an addiction, and when it’s okay to not get it right the first time, or the second. Tom is a spiritual community leader, father, husband and has much to share on the struggles of living a hidden life of denial and escapism. Tom is the author of Ashamed No More, and is Founding and Executive Director of Living Integrated, an organization that helps individuals with compulsive sexual behaviors find hope and healing by integrating their spirituality with healthy recovery practices.   TAKEAWAYS: [2:10] Tom attended the University of Missouri and earned a bachelor’s degree in education. He got involved with a youth ministry at a local church, and that led him to follow his divine calling to professional ministry. His life was a true dichotomy between spirituality, religion and the struggle of a compulsive sexual addiction. [7:45] Sex addiction can escalate and grow. Tom found himself continuously drawing the line of his boundaries further away from his morals, and then feeling the guilt and shame that came along with the emptiness and loneliness of living a secret addicted life. There is a tendency to call someone a hypocrite, liar or fraud instead of someone that is deeply struggling with painful issues. [11:14] Tom found help and visited a therapist, who recommended the book Out of the Shadows by Dr. Patrick Carnes. He cites the experience of discovering this work as “breathtaking”, because it showed him that he wasn’t alone, and he wasn’t a failure. [15:39] Tom and Rob discuss the disconnection and isolation that comes with addiction. Much like eating potato chips when you are hungry, you are satisfying an urge with an impulse that in the long run isn’t good or healthy for you, and doesn’t make you any less hungry than when you first started. [16:45] Tom and his therapist worked together to help Tom find a trusted friend to listen to his real story, and one who he could share his vulnerability with, and who would show up for Tom. [21:06] Tom shares how he came out to his wife as an addict, and the impact the disclosure had on his healing and marriage. Years later, Tom learned a lot, progressed through his treatment,  but still felt ashamed that he didn’t have sustained sobriety, and his public persona didn’t honor who he was privately. [28:27] Tom hit his lowest point in 2008 when he was arrested. He felt ashamed that he had already been in treatment and been out as an addict to his loved ones, and still was acting out. [31:56] Many of the other faith leaders both Rob and Tom have worked with hold a sincere motivation to help others and follow their calling, but are stuck in the negative loop of their addiction, and often find it even harder to get help due to their elevated position. [32:02] In addition to Tom coming back on the show, there is a possibility of “Tom’s Corner” on Rob’s website, Sex and Relationship Healing. This will be a safe space for religious leaders and workers to connect with others and talk about their addiction, no matter what point of it they are currently at.   RESOURCES Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Mark Salling Tom Ryan TC-Ryan Dr. Patrick Carnes Out of the Shadows by Dr. Patrick Carnes Ashamed No More by Tom Ryan   Living Integrated   QUOTES: “You can get past your consequences. You can have a life beyond the problem you are in right now.” “What was satisfying and distracting now no longer is, and you want a little bit more.” “Sex addicts have a varsity level skill of compartmentalization.” “When I’m living in the shadows, it's amazing what I’m willing to do, and when I think I’m living in the light, it’s amazing what I’m not willing to do.” “Part of the grandiosity of the disease is we think there is nobo

Today’s episode features Dr. David Fawcett, therapist, author of Lust, Men and Meth, and expert in methamphetamines and stimulants in sexual behavior. David and Rob discuss trends in drug use among the gay male and female population, the frequent co-occurrence of both sex and drug addictions, risk factors and consequences of meth use, and the need for disruption in therapy to update training, assessment, and treatment.   David works hard to eliminates the stigma around addiction, and advocates to look at the whole picture of addiction rather than compartmentalizing it. He frequently presents workshops on LGBT health, addiction, HIV, and co-occurring disorders both in the US and internationally.   TAKEAWAYS: [2:25] We are in the middle of a dangerous trend. For about the last twenty years, we have seen a rise of stimulant abuse, particularly methamphetamines and cocaine in conjunction with sexual behavior. We have also seen a change in what kind of meth is coming in, as it’s much higher grade and leading to addiction in a quicker and more powerful way than ever before. [3:42] Meth and stimulants can be bonded with all types of behavior, not all sexually related. However, when used in conjunction with sexual behavior, people develop a dependence on the drug to perform in any capacity. David has noticed a trend with young gay men to skip over the pills and go right to the injectibles such as Trimix to treat erectile dysfunction. [5:36] The opioid crisis is certainly worth the mention and attention it has been getting in mainstream media, but meth overdoses are actually outpacing opioid-related ones. [6:39] Methamphetamine is a synthetic molecule that is neurotoxic and sits on the receptors for 9-10 hours, providing a surge and eventually the depletion of our “feel good” neurotransmitter dopamine. [7:44] Dopamine rewards behavior that helps us seek rewards in order to survive. The most natural way we release dopamine is through sex. [9:44] David sees many of his clients use meth to try and numb and dissociate negative feelings such as shame, isolation, and trauma. Over time, he has seen it most commonly in his clients that are gay men but is also now seeing it rise in the female population and eating disorder world as well. [10:50] There are a host of psychological and physiological severe consequences in meth use including brain damage, suicidal thoughts and actions, and cardiac issues. [12:53] Not all drug users become addicted. David discusses that although about 20% of drug users are led to addiction, the consequences are extremely severe. [13:05] David and Rob explain that meth and sexual addiction usually must be treated simultaneously. If one is a meth addict, chances addictions merge and work in tandem, creating a sex addiction as well. [15:57] Sexual addiction is often not addressed in drug treatment, left untreated may be a factor to lead the individual back to using. [18:20] There’s been a model of how we view addiction, and it’s been based on substances for 50 or 60 years, with a cultural resistance to natural occurring addiction such as sex and eating disorders. That model is changing, and more therapists and training programs are beginning to understand the repercussions and need for assessment of behavioral or process addictions. [21:38] Rob and David discuss the importance of finding a therapist that is well versed in the specialty one is seeking focused help. [25:45] David and Rob role play a typical call of someone seeking help for addiction and a potential therapist. [28:20] Therapists must do a more detailed assessment of sexual history as it related to addiction, and be hypersensitive to the level of shame, fear, trauma that their clients are bringing in to the treatment. It’s also important to help the client envision how sexuality is going to unfold in a healthy way in recovery.   RESOURCES Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 David Fawcett @LustMenMeth Facebook @LustMenM

Trauma, abuse, and addiction happen everywhere, it doesn’t matter what class or culture. Today’s guest, Sam Louie, is a psychotherapist specializing in treating shame, trauma and a host of addictions. Sam is on a mission to reach more of the Asian - American culture and help them with their heavy shame and cultural stigmas surrounding addiction. Sam reflects on his own experience of addiction and then getting help, gives more information on Japanese culture as it relates to addiction and shame, and how he went from feeling defective to comfortable in his own skin and a role model for others. Lastly, Sam shares ways we can outreach to communities that may be different than ours to help others rise above the shame and embarrassment that go along with addiction.   TAKEAWAYS: [1:01] Sam Louie is a psychotherapist, blogger, and speaker on cultural shame and addictions. Sam is also an Emmy Award-Winning former broadcast journalist who continues to write. His books include, "Asian Shame and Addiction: Suffering in Silence" and "Slanted Eyes: The Asian-American Poetic Experience". On a personal note, Sam is a first-generation immigrant from Hong Kong who grew up amidst 3 generations of addictions. [3:46] Sam shares that one of the challenges with minority cultures and specifically Asian - American cultures getting help for their addiction is the feeling of cultural shame. Asians are collectivists by nature, meaning that instead of a focus on individualism, they put an emphasis on cohesiveness among the groups (family, society, government) in their world both on a small and large scale. Sam explains further that a lot of it is based on Confucian views where obedience and order are the common denominators. [6:02] Sam recalls how he first learned at a very early age how important it is to honor the family name above all else. [9:39] In the teenage years, traditional Asian values confronted with American tendency to rebel and strike out as an individual can be a confusing and conflicting time. [11:18] Shame can run deep in the Asian - American culture for cases of addiction, sexual issues and divorce. Sam speaks of a Chinese saying where shame can run 8 generations deep. [13:19] Sam shares how suicide in the Japanese culture can be seen as a way to get back honor and not shame their family. [16:01] In his youth, Sam encountered a role model in his Pastor, who showed vulnerability, encouragement and support. [19:44] In the Japanese culture, sexual shame even as the victim, reflects on breaking the code of honor within your family. [22:42] Sam reads one of his poems and explains the meaning behind the words. He then shares how his addictive and compulsive tendencies started emerging in childhood. [25:02] Children who are profoundly neglected and who experience emotional and physical neglect have to figure out how to comfort and validate themselves. This is where a lot of addiction stems from. [33:10] Educating yourself first on the nature of addiction is key. Then, finding someone of your ethnic background or cultural identification can help very much on the road to recovery.   RESOURCES Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Asian Shame and Addiction: Suffering in Silence Slanted Eyes: The Asian - American Poetic Experience Sam Louie MFT Hikikomori Getting Off by Erica Garza   QUOTES:   “Sadly, there are several minorities that are underserved in America when it comes to addiction services and mental health.” “There are two sides to the coin - we have shame on one end, and honor on the other.” “If I hide from things, other people will never get the exposure that they need.” “Since intimacy problems and sex addiction most often comes out of early dysfunction, it doesn’t matter where you are from.” “Much addiction comes out of that period where a child has to learn how to survive on their own.” “So many of us need to see someone of our cultural heritage going through something as well.”

Mark Anthony Lord is an expert in the area of spirituality and recovery. As an author, coach, speaker, and minister, Mark sees firsthand the damage that addiction can impart upon one’s spirituality and faith. When we heal, Mark believes it must be first from within. As a Reverend, Mark helps people from all walks of life become back in tune with their spiritually, or possibly even connect for the first time. He and Rob also talk about the isolating nature of addiction, the connection between God and sexuality, and fostering the one relationship that we can count on no matter what the circumstances, the one between ourselves and our higher power.   TAKEAWAYS: [1:46] Dealing with spirituality is one of the hardest challenges that sex addicts tend to have, whether it’s their own personal morality, or within the healing process. Betrayed partners also take issue with feeling as though they were living in a giant lie based upon their partners faith versus their actions of bad behavior. [3:00] Mark believes that addiction is a spiritual disease which disconnects an individual from their spirit of creativity, love, joy and generosity. Addiction affects us first spiritually, and drains our zeal for life. [4:26] The tendency for sex addicts to compartmentalize bad behavior is a way of perpetuating the cycle of disconnection, mistrust and unworthiness, thus leading to even more disconnection. [8:14] Mark loves doing exercises to reconnect people with their life affirming and life-giving passions. Whether it’s nature, family, work or service, we all get excited by something deep inside. [10:44] Although their paths of treatment are different, both Mark and Rob are doing work where people connect both with themselves, their own pain and ultimately, learning to take joy in the basic human connections around us. [13:26] One of the challenges about religion currently is the feeling that one must be “good” and “together” to partake in it, instead of it feeling like a salvation for those that need it most. Mark discusses some spiritually bankrupt religious leaders that could have used some connection in their soul. [16:25] A lot of people living in duality feel as though they must be afraid or fearful of God. They must be courageous to explore their own broken relationship with God, and heal it to move forward with recovery. [18:32] In the 12-step program, Mark has seen miracles happen time and time again once people connect with their own spirituality and begin to connect with the human experience in an open and vulnerable way. [19:26] Mark explains his belief that God and sex do not have to be separate, and that the power in both God and sexual energy in a healthy human being are aligned. [24:59] Our childhood attachments and security impacts our outlook on love, security and trust in the world. Mark believes the more of a broken upbringing one has, the more important it is to seek spirituality and a higher power. [26:10] Expecting people to never let us down or disappoint us, will always keep us separated and disconnected from our human experience. A big part of being spiritually in tune is to love others despite their flaws. [28:55] Mark feels that marriage is for the exact reason of loving one another through our brokenness. It doesn’t necessarily mean staying or leaving after a betrayal, just to love ourselves unconditionally.   RESOURCES Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 To contact Mark Anthony Lord: lordmarkanthony@gmail.com Mark Anthony Lord Cityside Spiritual Community   QUOTES: “I believe that addiction is a spiritual disease.” “We all have a natural spirit inside us. Some like to think about spirit in relationship to God, some like to be religious about it, and a lot of people don’t. What I love about the recovery world is they don’t tell anyone what they have to believe in.” “Addictions kill us at the level of spirit first.” “Honesty is the doorway to our freedom. That is so scary for sex and

Tami VerHelst has been working with Rob for over 15 years in the field of sex, love and relationship addiction. She has been central to many therapists and is often times the very first person someone talks to when they are in crisis mode and undergoing a trauma. People with sexual addictions are often filled with shame and embarrassment, and she continues to be the lifeline that shows them that help is out there. Tami also talks about the difficulties of treating sex addiction compared to other addictions, the importance of getting help from an expert, the programs she is currently working to develop through Seeking Integrity, how she decides where to send someone to get help, and important resources for sex addicts and their partners looking for help and hope.   TAKEAWAYS: [1:51] Despite all the different stories and cases Tami has heard, she always looks at it through the lens of helping someone alleviate their pain. [2:43] When people first call Tami, they can do so anonymously. This takes away the fear of judgment that usually comes with admitting there is an addiction. [4:44] One of the most challenging issues Tami faces is people choosing to overcome the stigma and shame and follow through to contact the resources for support that she provides. [7:23] While drug and alcohol behavior may be able to be ended completely, sexual addiction and food disorders require a perimeter of what is healthy for the individual since sex and hunger are two of our natural desires. [13:35] Each addiction is quite unique and requires its own focus. Many times questions about sexual behavior are overlooked in the mental health field. [14:07] Tami has been in the field for so long that she knows the right questions to ask people to find them the appropriate help and resources. [16:31] If the partner gets good support and the addict gets solid help, they have a greater chance of getting through the trauma of betrayal. [19:49] Tami has seen more women acting with typical male characteristic behavior in the past five years. The world has changed dramatically with the advent of numerous apps that make it as easy as the click of a button to get sex. [23:53] For many addicts, it’s almost more exciting to search for sex and build to orgasm than the actual intercourse itself. [26:17] It is very important for the partner to stand up, draw a line in the sand, and not stand for their partner to continue on with harmful and hurtful behavior. It is also important throughout the treatment for the partner to get their own help and support as well. [33:10] To contact Tami directly, email her at: tami@seekingintegrity.org. [34:15] Tami herself struggled with addiction. She credits her amazing life with recovery and takes great pleasure in giving back.   RESOURCES Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Dr. Patrick Carnes Out of the Doghouse Bloom for Women APSATS   QUOTES: “I’m so passionate about people having the opportunity for solid recovery. Not just abstinence but a happy, joyous and free recovery.” “The biggest barrier can just be talking to someone else about your problem.” “What is sobriety and what is recovery? It really depends on the person.” “Getting a good foundation will help people get to a stable place and past the initial crisis.” “Don’t have hope if the addict is not willing to get help.” “My recovery has given me everything.”

Dr. Barbara Steffens joins Rob to talk about betrayal trauma and her many extensive years of work within the field. She looks at addiction and infidelity through both the lens of the addict and the partner and works to normalize all parts of what occurs in the addiction and healing process. She and Rob discuss what betrayal trauma is, why some partners may decide to stay, and how they can eventually begin to possibly trust again.   Dr. Steffens founded and is President of The Association of Partners of Sex Addicts Trauma Specialists, and helps clients and also therapists work with people experiencing profound trauma and betrayal. She is also the author of Your Sexually Addicted Spouse.   TAKEAWAYS: [0:49] Dr. Barbara Steffens has been a specialist in sex addiction and partners of sex addiction since 1999. Her book Your Sexually Addicted Spouse is a lifeline to help partners cope and heal after betrayal trauma. [2:22] Often times people first associate a trauma with abuse, either physical or mental, but there is also a trauma that goes along with a betrayal within a relationship. When there is an expectation of trust, safety, and security that is violated, it can have a profound effect. [10:43] The partner acting out still can have love, attachment and a connection, but the quality of how deep their intimacy can actually be changes over time as they must compartmentalize in order to not feel too much guilt over their behavior. It’s an internal split for the addict, and hard for the partner to understand how the addict can say they love them and yet still betray their trust. [16:15] It is another betrayal when partners are not heard for what has just happened to them, and the addict may even blame some of their behavior on the spouse. [18:12] Dr. Steffens had to first go to the infidelity field to learn about betrayal trauma from the partner’s point of view, as the addict field just focused primarily on the needs of the addict. [19:32] While partners may not be able to trust the way they once did, they can develop an ability to trust the heart, intent and the behaviors they observe along with their own ability to detect lies and deceit. [23:01] Dr. Steffens tells partners that they did not make their partner cheat, and they don’t have the power over how someone else responds. She encourages them to work with their own emotions and speak their truth rather than prescribing a one size fits all protocol. [32:36] Partners sometimes stay with an addict when there is a relapse due to not wanting to ruin the stability and course of what they have built in their life. Dr. Steffens knows every partner has the choice to decide what is right for them, and takes the judgement away from those no matter what they deem tolerable.   RESOURCES Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Dr. Barbara Steffens Your Sexually Addicted Spouse Association of Partners of Sex Addicts Trauma Specialists https://twitter.com/APSATSOrg   QUOTES: “The best thing that the field can do is really listen to the partner as an individual.” “Over time that ability to attach and connect when somebody is engaging in other behaviors has to loosen because so much of the attachment and attention goes to the addiction.” “There’s no intimacy when there are secrets.” “Traumatized people look messy because they are - their life has just exploded.” “Addicts can look very slick and together, even when they are not.” “The greatest gift we can give to partners when we are helping them is the ability for them to trust themselves again.” “There is no pain-free way to deal with this situation. It’s just what kind of pain and how true to yourself are you going to be.”

Hope Ray does amazing work in helping couples and individuals cope in the throes of a betrayal, and helps give them the opportunity to possibly even develop a higher quality of intimacy if they do decide to continue the relationship. She is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC), Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT), and a Certified Hope and Freedom Practitioner. Her experience has shown there is hope for healing even after the devastation of sexual secrets and infidelity. She and Rob talk about empathy for the partner, developing an intimacy radar and her intensive specialized programs to provide help in a great time of need.   TAKEAWAYS: [0:54] Hope’s work is focused on working with couples one at a time in an intensive, specialized environment. [2:27] Hope seeks to take away some of the stigma of addiction, and help both the addict and their partner know that help is out there. [5:39] For the partner experiencing the betrayal and learning to what extent they have been misled, they are often caught between the desire to run away from the situation and their own hurt, and having empathy for their emotionally ill spouse who may need their support to get better. [10:08] Sex addicts typically develop characteristics of entitlement, narcissism, and dishonesty to cover up the guilt of acting out. [13:58] Addicts may be able to balance home and family life with their secret for a while, but will show up in a way that is disconnected and not fully present. [20:14] Rob and Hope support partners in their work by acknowledging their pain and not trivializing the trauma they are experiencing. Partners usually feel shame and guilt that they didn’t know what was happening, even if others around them were aware. [22:14] Hope encourages her clients to be able to detect low levels of intimacy, to express it to their partner and become aware of their own needs that constitute a healthy relationship. [32:14] Partners should be careful who they choose to talk to, individuals who can’t worsen the situation later by knowing the deep dark secrets of the situation. Both Hope and Rob suggest finding a professional in the field that specializes in sex and relationship healing.   RESOURCES Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Hope Ray Therapy Hope and Freedom Intensive Dr. Patrick Carnes Dr. Ken Adams Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency   QUOTES: “When we are living two separate lives, we develop a lot of poor character traits in order to keep these secrets.”   “They may show up, but half the time they aren’t emotionally present.” ---(Rob said “they”, but in case you want to change it to addicts)   “Partners are so misunderstood. It’s really important they don’t experience blame for their partner's sexual behavior in any way.”   “I believe one of the greatest powers we can give partners is the ability to detect intimacy.” - Hope

Finding out your partner is a sex addict and that everything you have believed to be previously true is a lie can be devastating, traumatic and isolating to say the least. Often times most partners are embarrassed and shameful, thinking they did something to cause the addict’s bad behavior. Today our special guest, Marnie Breecker, explains more on the partner’s point of view. Marnie is a Psychotherapist, Marriage and Family Counselor, Certified Sex Addiction Therapist, Certified Clinical Partners Specialist, and Founder and Clinical Director for the Center of Relational Healing. She talks with Rob about the typical emotional patterns she sees in both parties when dealing with sex addiction, how she helps them get help, and why specialized treatment is so important.   TAKEAWAYS: [2:02] Anger, shock, confusion and an overall crisis in all areas of life. Usually, the anger is directed at first towards their partner, and then as the situation unfolds the anger also spreads to their partner’s family and friends that knew their partner was acting out. [4:39] The partner usually has a conflict where they want to help the person they love, but their own anger and fear creates a barrier. [10:48] After the initial stabilization of help, the partner’s anger surfaces not only in regards to the event(s) of addiction but the fact that they feel all of the attention and support has gone to the person with the addiction. [13:30] Working with partners is often seen as a daunting task for therapists. They usually are a sign of acting crazy or unbalanced, but really this is a human that is in the midst of an actual trauma and has usually been denied their own intuition. [21:19] When you are living a lie as an addict, you have the control when you get to decide what truth your partner hears. One of the hardest thing for the addict to realize is that once the spouse uncovers the truth, they are in control. [23:28] Specialized treatment is so important to discern whether someone is an addict and to delineate what type of treatment is appropriate. [28:40] When a couple comes in dealing with sex addiction and/or confidentiality, the first thing Marnie does is assess what measures must be taken for their physical safety. Next, she helps the partner try to find a community of support to deal with their own trauma of the unfortunate outside circumstance.   RESOURCES Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 The Center for Relational Healing Marnie Breecker

Today Rob welcomes his admired and respected colleague,  Dr. Don Hilton. As an adjunct associate professor of neurosurgery at the University of Texas Health Center at San Antonio, Dr. Hilton has been at the forefront in expanding what we know about the neurobiology of addiction. He talks with Rob about the ways our brain learns addiction, how porn may be the “fast food of sex” and the need for our culture to catch up in education when it comes to sex and pornography. Dr. Hilton’s research and work help people get over the stigma shame of addiction and instead learn to create what we really all want - authentic human relationships with a valid connection.   TAKEAWAYS: [2:28] Dr. Hilton’s recent focus has been on pornography and the effect of pornography on the brain. About a decade ago he was in Australia to lecture on minimally invasive spine surgery, and met up with a dear friend who was a world-renowned scientist studying the natural instinctive brain craving for survival. The question came up about engines of desire, and what made animals crave things to help them survive. A research project grew out of those discussions, and they found that the same DNA gene sets that caused the animal model to desire salt also correlated with addiction. [5:52] Is pursuing sensation over emotion quite possibly all part of the evolutionary plan for us? [10:02] Virtual Reality is a double-edged sword - it may help people connect who are too socially shy or introverted, but it also brings up a confusing blend of emotions. Dr. Hilton feels as though we will, in the end, choose an emotional connection, and we are designed to connect and bond with each other as humans. [14:29] Porn strikes at our need for human connection and love most deeply. Rob looks at it in a way similar to alcohol, where for some people it’s a real issue, and some people can use it sporadically without a problem. Dr. Hilton feels as though there is a problem with the product itself in terms of the risks, use of drugs and alcohol and consent. [22:32] Dr. Hilton feels that America could follow a similar model to Britain’s to protect our minors. For parents to say it’s okay for their minors to partake in it, it’s important that they have an understanding of the reality of what they are watching. [28:02] It would be more helpful if counselors and educational supporters talked about real sex issues such as pornography with teenagers. Currently, only 20 states in America offer sex education as a standard to their high school students, and 12 require parental permission. [32:03] If a person can step back and realize an addiction such as porn is a problem, but it is not them and a problem with their brain. Recovery is a learning process where we come back to wholeness.   RESOURCES Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Out of the Doghouse Cruise Control Dr. Donald Hilton, M.D.   Bio Dr. Donald Hilton, M.D. Neurosurgeon, University of Texas, San Antonio -- Dr. Hilton is an adjunct associate professor of neurosurgery at the University of Texas Health Science Center at San Antonio, where he is the director of the spine fellowship and the director of neurosurgical training at the Methodist Hospital rotation. He is a fellow of the American College of Surgeons and of the American Association of Neurological Surgeons. His research and publishing interests have included traumatic brain injury, minimally invasive surgery, and neural mechanisms of addiction. He also serves on the board of directors of the Washington DC-based National Center on Sexual Exploitation (NCOSE), and on the board of directors of the Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health (SASH).

Licensed marriage and family therapist Marnie Ferree joins Rob today for a conversation on healing sex and love addictions, her own story of recovery from abuse, and how our background and current culture shape the way we go about getting our needs met in love and sexual relationships. Since 1992 she has been working to advance the field of healing sexual addiction in a variety of different arenas, and is currently pioneering the first intensive workshop for female teens and adolescent sex addicts.   TAKEAWAYS: [1:20] Marnie C. Ferree, M.A. is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Nashville, where she directs and is the founder of Bethesda Workshops, a short time Christian based intensive program for sex addicts and partners. The workshop she established in 1997 for female sex addicts was the first of its kind in the country. Her book No Stones: Women Redeemed from Sexual Addiction was the first to address sexual addiction in women from a Christian perspective. [3:14] As a young adolescent Marnie had unresolved losses, abandonment, family dysfunction and abuse within her close circle. This had a major impact on how she paired affection and attention with sex, and her pattern of getting her needs met through intense relationships reflects the story of addiction all too often and mirrored the abuse in her childhood. [9:23] Marnie helps her clients see the unconscious patterns that emerge in their adulthood from previous abuse when looking for love and connection. They work together to alleviate some of the confusion, shame, and blame. [12:54] Marnie is seeing less overt sexual trauma in her workshops, and more of the effect coming from our sexually saturated and exploitative culture. [18:09] We are in a deep need of more honest conversations on human sexuality and the way our values and belief systems clash with the objectification of women and men in our culture. [23:09] Healing begins when someone decides to bring their secret behavior into light, whatever their problematic or dependent behavior is. [28:42] Marnie feels her work with adolescent females and their families very redemptive and rewarding.   RESOURCES Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Out of the Doghouse Cruise Control No Stones: Women Redeemed by Sexual Shame Making Advances: A Comprehensive Guide for Treating Female Sex and Love Addicts Bethesda Workshops

Erica Garza, journalist and author of Getting Off, joins Rob for an honest and raw discussion of her past experiences with porn and sex addiction, and how it led to her now being a voice for redemption and women throughout the world.  Erica took her own shame, guilt and fear surrounding the topic and turned to a path of self-care, support and honesty. She embodies the future of female power and bravely uses her own past to light a future for those broken to recover.     TAKEAWAYS: [2:08] Loneliness was a theme from early on in Erica’s life. Around 12, she masturbated compulsively and had a sense of guilt and shame about sexuality, with little to no discussion about what was happening. She was diagnosed with scoliosis at the same age, and started to use masturbation and porn as a comfort to make herself feel better. This led to her seeking out continued experiences and scenarios that mixed pleasure and shame.   [7:53] Growing up in a family that doesn’t talk about sexuality can lead to a feeling of shame and confusion. [8:45] When someone sexualizes a sex addict an object, it may make them feel powerful and in control, but only for a short amount of time before isolation and emptiness kicks in. [11:47] Around her 30th birthday, Erica took a trip to Bali and paid more attention to self care and loving self talk. During this time she also met her future husband and found it refreshing to be accepted in her raw and vulnerable state. This inspired her to seek even more support, and take positive steps in a new direction. [19:09] Erica felt that being exposed and honest with her thoughts and feelings led to a deeper connection than she was expecting instead of the rejection she was feared. [26:51] Any trepidation of fear Erica may have of putting herself out there and exposing her story completely pales in comparison to the relief and satisfaction she gets from hearing how she inspires other women to seek help or feel better about their situation. [31:03] The internet can be both a place to run to during an addiction, and a resource for getting help.   RESOURCES Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Out of the Doghouse Cruise Control @EricaDGarza Erica Garza Eat, Pray, Love The Power is Within You Loose Girl

Rob and Tami answer a few of the most common questions that come up frequently.  Topics covered include how to know if you or your partner is an addict, porn addiction, catching your male partner looking at male porn and who to reach out to if you need support.   TAKEAWAYS: [5:36] How do you know if you or your partner are an addict? Addiction is not defined by how much and what kind, but if your involvement with this behavior affects the functioning of your life. The consequences of an addict’s behavior causes distraction and turmoil and is a driving force in their life. [9:01] For the partner that may suspect they are in a relationship with an addict - trust what you feel, trust what you see, and don’t stop at no.   [12:41] Finding out hints about a sexual partner’s life doesn’t mean they are a sexual addict, but it may mean they have something they feel ashamed or fearful to share with you. [13:25] I found my husband or boyfriend looking at male porn or have had sex with men. Is this a threat to our marriage, and will he leave me for a man? This does not automatically mean he will leave you for a man, or that he is homosexual. The first step is having an open conversation, letting him know what you found / saw, and asking him directly what it means to him. [19:04] Who can I talk to or trust with my questions around sex, love and addiction? Is it even important for me to talk to someone? Partners should not underestimate the importance of having a supportive friend, confidant or professional to trust. There are several partner support options, including reaching out to a CSAT, or Certified Sex Addiction Therapist, APSATS, CoDa, and Al-Anon. [25:08] We learn and grow best with problems that are similar to us.   RESOURCES Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Out of the Doghouse Cruise Control APSATS CoDa

Rob welcomes friend and colleague Dr. Ken Adams. They discuss signs and examples of mother-enmeshed men and how it relates to sexual addiction and intimacy. problems. Dr. Adams shares his knowledge on the evolution of our sexuality, the steps to emancipation, and some gold nuggets of wisdom on what to expect if you are involved with an enmeshed man.   TAKEAWAYS: [1:08] Dr. Ken Adams lives in Michigan and has a thriving practice. His book, Silently Seduced explores how an individual’s relationships with their moms can produce the types of problems that sex addiction creates. Married to Mom to uncover why a man might seem to continually choose his mom over his partner. He began private practice with the Children of Alcoholic Parents Program. There he became interested and devoted to working with sex addiction. [4:11] Enmeshment is a term used in family therapy field to describe when family members are too involved, and the dynamic is too close. When a mother burdens her son with expectations and inappropriate boundaries, the son may begin to feel disloyal when he has other objects of desire. He then acts out and carries out these desires on the side while feeling a tremendous amount of grief and guilt. [8:50] It is the parents job to celebrate the independence and emancipation of their children. On the flip side, it is the son’s responsibility to leave and start their own life with their own partner. [14:53] The evolution of our sexuality is primarily tied to our early care taking experiences. Emotional freedom and having a need for their own space is a running theme that comes up consistently for enmeshed men. [17:28] Emancipation involves two things: external boundaries and an internal structure of how he feels about romance, including the important task of figuring out how to parse out freedom in a commitment. [20:12] The man may project his feelings of being trapped and burdened on to his well-meaning partner, or also be drawn to someone dominating that may pull him away from his mother. [22:02] Our partner choice is not doomed based on how we grew up. It’s an inside job and a “one day at a time” solution for the mother-enmeshed man to observe what makes him feel overwhelmed and trapped, and to turn out obligations when he starts to feel smothered. [29:45] In the sex and love addicted area, females tend to struggle with overt / physical insest, and males covert / emotional insest.   RESOURCES Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Out of the Doghouse Cruise Control Silently Seduced Married to Mom Kenneth M. Adams

Welcome to Sex, Love and Addiction 101! Your host, Rob Weiss, is a licensed therapist, sexologist and author of numerous books on sex, relationships and addiction. This podcast is a way to discuss these topics in frank and informative ways. Rob will talk with everyone from experts from around the world to regular people just looking to make their relationships better.     In today’s episode, Rob breaks down what sex addiction is, and isn’t. He also discusses the recovery of sex and love addiction, and resources on ways to further expand your education on the topic.   TAKEAWAYS [1:17] Sex addiction is a repetitive pattern of using sexual fantasy and behavior as a way to escape difficult feelings or emotions. It is a lifelong struggle, and is not the same thing as sexual orientation or gender identity. [6:29] Rob equates a sex addiction to an eating disorder in the way that we have a primal need, but it can become disruptive and harmful to our normal lives. [8:44] The life of a sex addict ends up being a double life, and many times affection and connection is compartmentalized away from intensity, fantasy and stimulation. [11:36] It is rarely about the partner, and addicts may try to blame their spouse to take some of the distractions away from their own compulsion and need for recovery. [14:19] Sex addicts have a responsibility to work on themselves, get support and commit to recovery. [16:02] Real love is knowing someone fully, and accepting them fully as they are. It takes about two years to truly know and understand who someone is. The love addict looks for these experiences with blinders on to soothe and mask their loneliness, obsession and emptiness. [19:44] Rob explains how sex and love use pleasure to escape reality, and how Intermittent Reinforcement is used to perpetuate this behavior and lose focus of the reality of the situation. [23:55] Being a sex addict does not excuse the behavior, but does mean there is a lot of work to be done in order to clean up their act.   RESOURCES Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Out of the Doghouse Cruise Control Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous Out of the Shadows Always Turned On Charlotte Kasl Brenda Schaeffer

Dr. Rob breaks down what goes on in a man's and a woman's mind when they cheat and their partner finds out about the affair. In a continuation of last week’s episode, Dr. Rob shares whether it’s possible to recover from infidelity, whether a partner should stay in a relationship with an addict, and how you restore trust again in a relationship after cheating.    TAKEAWAYS: [1:50] Codependency doesn’t actually exist. Dr. Rob explains why.  [3:10] When your partner is snooping through your stuff. They’re look for reasons to stay with you!  [7:35] Can couples recover from infidelity?  [14:25] Every partner feels like it’s their fault for not being able to keep their cheating partner in the home.  [14:55] So many people will say, ‘if only you had more sex with them, they wouldn’t cheat.’ That’s a lie! Spouses are shamed on and they have very little support.  [17:20] Crazy is your new normal!  [22:25] Your spouse has lost their best friend.  [23:15] Should a betrayed spouse stay or should they go?  [31:05] What is disclosure?  [41:10] Empathy is how you heal deep relationship wounds with your partner.  [41:45] How do you restore trust in a relationship?    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss   QUOTES: “All your betrayed partner is looking for is reality, is for clarity.” “When a partner of 30 years hears that you’ve been cheating for 25 years. It’s not going to go well.” “Why would you have sex with a sex addict if you don’t trust them?” “The truth is, the more they know, the less it will hurt. What your betrayed spouse wants is honesty!”

Dr. Rob breaks down what goes on in a man's and a woman’s mind when they cheat and their partner finds out about the affair. Dr. Rob uses a clip from Fatal Attraction to show an example of how a cheating partner tries to manipulate their partner, who is in pain, about the betrayal. In this episode, Dr. Rob explains what intimacy really is and what happens when your needs are not being met.    TAKEAWAYS: [2:20] Men and women are different. Men have the ability to separate sex from intimacy.  [3:55] How do you define cheating in the digital age? [5:15] Dr. Rob plays a clip from Fatal Attraction to best explain cheating. [9:45] When you ask for forgiveness, you take the focus off of the person in grief and put it back on you. It appears very selfish and manipulative in the moment.  [12:45] How many times have you believed that your cheating wasn’t your fault?  [14:55] Why doesn’t he just come home and help with some of the household chores? [16:20] So many of us confuse intensity with intimacy. That is not intimacy. [19:50] Men who have cheated expect to be forgiven right away, but a woman doesn’t work that way. [25:15] What do men need to do to gain back their partner’s trust? [29:45] Remember, when it’s all about you, that’s not empathy.  [32:30] Women who have experienced cheating betrayal feel guilty and shameful that they allowed this to happen. They feel like they should have done more to keep their man from straying. Dr. Rob explains deeper.  [37:00] Why is she so upset about every little detail happening? [40:15] Your female partner has been victimized by you. You are responsible for the consequences.  [42:45] Stay tuned for part 2!   RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss   QUOTES: “No man I’ve ever met understands how to heal cheating in a woman.” “Men will respond differently to betrayal, but betrayal is still betrayal.” “When you ask someone for forgiveness, what you’re doing is asking them to take the focus off of themselves and put them on you.” “Our home is the foundation and when you’re saying work is more important, forget about the sex, we’re sitting here actually saying, ‘you don’t matter.’”

Dr. Rob continues his solo episode to further discuss some common questions that arise in his practice. Dr. Rob is passionate about reducing the shame and stigma of sex addiction and offers an explanation as to where sex addiction might stem from. It is possible to find inner peace in your recovery journey, but you have to put in the work to reap any reward.   TAKEAWAYS: [2:55] Dr. Rob explains what healthy love looks like in small children.  [5:20] Can children under 4 be depressed?  [6:10] What does ‘feeling loved’ really feel like?  [7:10] Even when you get genuine connection and love, you still feel like you don’t deserve it.  [12:00] Because no one was taking care of us emotionally, addicts find a way to fill in the blanks.  [18:00] How do you get your needs met as an adult? [20:15] It’s okay to be needy! [24:50] Addicts are so used to being shamed for having minimal emotional needs.  [29:10] Addicts would rather eat dirt than to ask for help.  [32:20] Dr. Rob shares a powerful story about him asking for what he needed.  [35:55] Dr. Rob felt so much shame for even having to ask for help.    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency   QUOTES: “A child should be the center of the universe. They need narcissism. Narcissism at 4 is a really good thing, narcissism at 44 is not such a good thing.” “You’re not children anymore, but you still need food. Well, guess what, you can’t survive without love as adults either.” “Us addicts have replaced our need for love with our need for intensity.” “The addict helped us survive.”

Dr. Rob does a solo episode to discuss some common questions that arise in his practice. Things like, how someone becomes a sex addict in the first place, why shame plays an integrated role in addiction, and how to re-learn to ask for your basic needs in adulthood. Recovery is hard, but it’s possible. Dr. Rob hopes this episode opens your eyes and shows you that you’re not a bad person.    TAKEAWAYS: [1:45] How does someone become a sex addict? [2:45] Treatment is about three things: 1. Learning how to not do this. 2. Learning about addiction. 3. Learning about yourself. [4:15] Shame prevents you from asking what you truly need for yourself.  [6:15] Addicts often grew up learning that no one was going to meet your basic needs, so why even bother asking?  [10:45] Young children don’t understand what’s going on in an adult world and often blame themselves for any wrong doings.   [14:15] What actually happens in a healthy family?  [19:10] Addicts walk around adulthood feeling empty looking for people to meet their needs, only to be disappointed.  [23:00] Your feelings naturally get pushed in the way, way back. This is why you act out!  [24:20] Your emotions are just information indicators that there’s something wrong.  [29:35] We learned a long time ago that our needs hurt other people. Of course, as an adult, this is not true! [30:15] So many people in recovery don’t even realize what it is they need emotionally. This is a learned process and it takes time to learn.     RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency   QUOTES: “We’re not bad people, we’re broken people.” “Many of us grew up knowing that it didn’t matter what we needed because nobody was going to meet those needs.” “Shame is the felt experience of being defective that is brought about by early emotional disorders.” “Your emotions are just information that [you might be having a bad day].”

Scott Brassart is the Director of Content Development at Seeking Integrity. He writes all the content at Seeking Integrity and has worked directly with Dr. Rob for over 10 years. Scott also teaches a lot of the courses at the treatment center. In this episode, Dr. Rob and Scott continue their conversations about porn addiction and offer insights on what steps you need to take to heal from porn addiction.    TAKEAWAYS: [3:20] Why is my spouse so unhappy about my porn use?  [3:50] Can porn use escalate the same way alcohol addiction escalated?  [7:25] Porn addicts will start out looking at vanilla porn, and then the intensity keeps getting turned up to get their fix.  [11:15] The brain ends up turning down the dopamine on our entire life. The addict suddenly needs more intensity, more dopamine, more of a rush.  [16:00] Clients who are withdrawing often feel very lonely and very sad. Why is that?  [18:35] How can you change the behavior?  [19:45] It’s important to define what addiction looks like, and also what sobriety can look like.  [20:25] Sex addiction is treated a lot like an eating disorder. We can’t quit eating altogether.  [24:25] What does healthy intimacy actually look like?  [24:40] Addiction feels great but it’s a one-trick pony. [27:45] If we open the door slightly, your addiction will come back. [29:05] Remember, there is no cure for addiction. You need to keep up daily maintenance to be sober. [32:45] Want additional support? Reach out to Seeking Integrity for more free resources!    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Scott on LinkedIn Scott at Seeking Integrity   QUOTES: “Escalation is characteristic to all addictions. We build up tolerance. Porn gives us a sense of pleasure.” “Tolerance comes when the brain turns up the dopamine. Porn addicts end up going places that violate their values. They uncover [unwanted] elements of an arousal template.” “No more porn, but that does not mean no more sex. We treat sex addiction like an eating disorder.” “Ultimately, the goal of addiction recovery is to identify the behavior, stop it, break through denial, work on the underlying issues, and to live a better life.”

Scott Brassart is the Director of Content Development at Seeking Integrity. He writes all the content at Seeking Integrity and has worked directly with Dr. Rob for more than 10 years. Scott also teaches a lot of the courses at the treatment center. In this episode, Dr. Rob and Scott sit down to discuss porn addiction, the definition of porn, and how anybody, no matter their class, can be subjected to porn addiction. Addiction is a mental health issue. It’s an indicator that people are unable to go to someone for help, or comfort, and that’s why they seek external ways to cope and escape.    TAKEAWAYS: [4:20] How do you define porn in the digital age? [5:30] Is ‘OnlyFans’ considered porn?  [9:10] If you’re using something for the purposes of arousal, even if it’s not ‘porn’, then it is still classified as pornography. [11:10] What’s the difference between casual porn use vs. you having a problem?  [13:55] It’s not about how much porn you look at, it’s about what it does to your life.  [18:25] At some point, you lose control over the behavior. There are casual users, there are at-risk users, and then there are addicts. Scott explains the difference.  [24:20] Porn addicts know, deep down, they have a problem.  [25:45] Porn is not an age thing or a socioeconomic thing. These are real people of all ages, and demographics, struggling with loneliness.  [27:20] Porn has gotten more advanced. You can now build a sexual connection with another person with a computer/cellphone.  [30:15] What is the appeal of pornography?  [33:15] If you’re looking at porn, chances are you’re also looking at victims of sex trafficking.  [37:15] Look forward to part 2 of this episode coming soon!    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Scott on LinkedIn Scott at Seeking Integrity QUOTES: “Porn is imagery or written text that we use to get aroused. Sex addicts and porn addicts not only use it for purposes of arousal but purposes of escape.” “For porn addicts, it’s easy to rationalize Game of Thrones or cruising Instagram or OnlyFans. Technically you’re still sober from your porn addiction, and my answer is not so much.” “Addicts are people who are really, really hooked. Life is going good, they’re using porn. Life is going bad, they’re using porn. The sun is up, they’re using porn. The sun is down, they’re using porn. That’s an addict.” “As addicts, we’re afraid to be vulnerable. We’re afraid of rejection. We’re afraid that if we know the real us, you’ll run screaming.”

Dr. Rob continues his discussion with Dr. Eddie Capparucciis, the creator of the unique Inner Child Model for the treatment of Problematic Sexual Behaviors, to talk about common blind spots someone in recovery might have. When addicts are in their addiction, they can exhibit strong narcissistic tendencies, which can make it difficult to connect with others and see their perspectives.    TAKEAWAYS: [1:45] Addicts have a hard time seeing their own blindspots. What should they be aware of?  [2:40] Curiosity of people is an important way to connect with others. Addicts can lack this curiosity.  [3:35] Addicts can be hypersensitive to rejection and criticism.  [5:00] People learn how to love from their caregivers.  [6:20] In a lot of ways, addicts have been emotionally neglected. [8:50] In recovery, we have the opportunity to break the cycle.  [10:20] You break the cycle by being emotionally present.  [12:45] Emotionally unavailable people tend to be ‘do-ers’, they try to fix the problem by finding a solution, instead of being present with their emotions.  [16:10] As long as you’re oblivious to the pain you’ve been through, you will also be oblivious to the pain you’re causing others.  [18:35] How do you work through your issues if you can’t afford therapy?  [21:40] Dr. Eddie talks about the current work and programs he’s a part of to help others. [24:15] Don’t have the financial resources to go to therapy? Dr. Eddie can help.    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Abundantlifecounselingga.com Dr. Eddie on LinkedIn Strugglingmen.org   QUOTES: “Anyone who has struggled with addiction has some strong narcissistic tendencies.” “Your kids are watching everything. Whether they’re 4 or 14. That’s one of the ways we don’t get an understanding of what we need.” “It’s never too late to start making changes.” “Even in the most troubled families, they are oblivious, even if they don’t mean to be.”

Dr. Eddie Capparucciis the creator of the unique Inner Child Model for the treatment of Problematic Sexual Behaviors. He believes at the heart of most Problematic Sexual Behaviors are unresolved childhood pain points. Dr. Eddie specializes in treating Problematic Sexual Behaviors including pornography. Among his many clients, they have been professional athletes including NFL and MLB players and television personalities. In this episode, Dr. Eddie explains why sex addicts are really emotionally undeveloped adults, and how they can break old patterns and build intimacy.   TAKEAWAYS: [1:55] A little bit about Dr. Eddie Capparucci. [3:20] Trauma plays a major part in addiction.  [5:10] Sex addiction goes further than just sex. Men with this issue are emotionally undeveloped.  [6:10] Addicts aren’t bad people, they’re broken people.  [6:20] Are therapists just making bad excuses for an addict's poor behavior?  [9:10] My addict is sober, but they’re still a jerk. What’s going on?  [11:25] What do you call someone who cheats? Are they considered ill?  [15:00] Addicts are used to running away from their pain and they will take whatever distraction presents itself.  [16:55] How can you help an addict take accountability?  [17:50] Someone struggling with addiction needs to begin to think about their legacy and to tap into a bigger purpose.   [20:00] What happens if someone is just not motivated to get better?  [22:45] Dr. Eddie shares how he works with betrayed spouses who feel unlistened to.  [25:50] Emotional intimacy vs. physical intimacy. What’s the difference?  [28:15] So many people aren’t taught what emotional intimacy is. [30:40] Dr. Eddie understands he has an avoidant attachment style. But, by understanding his childhood, this makes perfect sense!  [32:30] At the end of the day, Dr. Rob and Dr. Eddie are here to help people break patterns and build intimacy.    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Abundantlifecounselingga.com Dr. Eddie on LinkedIn   QUOTES: “What do I get? I get very frightened and scared people who can’t sit with pain and have found a coping mechanism of escaping.” “The addiction isn’t the only piece. It’s the whole presentation that you’ve been giving to the world.” “People who deal with addiction do not know how to sit with emotional discomfort or distress.” “I can tell you all the ways I’m a jerk, but learning how to be different is more of a commitment.”

In today’s episode, Dr. Rob talks with Michele Saffier and Allan Katz about their book, Ambushed by Betrayal: The Survival Guide for Betrayed Partners on Their Heroes' Journey to Healthy Intimacy, which was written after the two met in a psycho trauma workshop. Michele has been a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist since 1993. She was trained with Dr. Rob in the field of Sexual Addiction and went on to private practice and began using the trauma model after three years. Allan is a licensed Professional Counselor (LPC/MHSP) in the states of Tennessee and Mississippi and a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist. With over 30 years of experience as an entrepreneur and marketing consultant, he, later on, shifted to become a professional therapist to help others in the field of sex addiction. They share how their book can help betrayed partners heal from their trauma and learn healthy intimacy.   TAKEAWAYS: [1:55] A little introduction of Michelle and how Dr. Rob knows her. [3:15] Michelle didn’t work in the field of addiction before and recalls the young couple she worked with that inspired her journey. [4:25] A little bit about Allan as well and how he became a therapist. [6:50] Michelle sees herself as a trauma therapist. She explains why. [8:40] How does Allan work with the spouses to empathize with their addict partners who don't see it from a trauma perspective? [11:00] Allan shares how he transitioned from helping people non-professionally and the difference with being a professional therapist. [13:00] Michelle recommends partners to watch comedy shows and shares how this helps their recovery. [14:20] Betrayed partners take on the personal responsibility of causing their addict partner to act out. Allan shares his thoughts on this. [16:50] Michelle sees from the betrayed partner an attachment trauma and explains why.  [18:30] How does Michelle help a spouse learn that empathy may not be forthcoming? [21:25] Dr. Rob asks Michelle and Allan about the book they wrote called, Ambush By Betrayal. How did they come up with the title? [23:35] Dr. Rob shares the subtitle of their book and asks how their hero’s journey evolved. [24:45] Michelle realized that in the same spirit of prodependency, they want their readers to be empowered. She shares how there can be beauty in this broken life. [25:50] Michelle and Allan met in a psycho trauma workshop. Allan shares what psycho trauma is and how that relates to their book. [30:00] What they want to achieve with their book is to provide a release from all the hurt, pain, and unworthiness and physically do something with it. Michelle talks through this process further. [33:20] For the betrayed person, anger is the only way they can protect their heart from their perpetrator. Michelle shares how they can help them see the wounded person underneath.   RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Ambush By Betrayal by Michele Saffier and Allan Katz Allanjkatz.com Traumahealingpa.com   QUOTES: “The behavior is the behavior but really, they’re these little wounded boys and girls trying to survive.” “If you’ve been in a good relationship, then there’s obviously another reason why somebody would do these things and go off and be with somebody else or look at pornography or whatever. I’m not condoning it or saying it’s right; it was a choice but there is such a thing as addiction and that’s what we have to look at.” “You’ve got to be empathic rather than defensive because the main thing your spouse or partner wants to know is that you really do understand what you’ve put her through.” “The primary attachment is the person that has my back, my beloved and the one that wherever I am in the world, is my home.”

Dr. Janis Roszler is a licensed marriage and family therapist, board-certified sex therapist, registered/licensed dietitian, master-level addiction professional (MCAP), and award-winning medical media producer. She is currently an instructor at the International Institute of Clinical Sexology and has a private therapy practice in Miami, Florida. In this episode, she talks about intimacy more than just being sexual. She shares seven different types of intimacy that don’t necessarily lead into the bedroom and the value of taking time off from being sexual with your partner.   TAKEAWAYS: [1:50] A little bit about Dr. Janice and where she and Dr. Rob got connected. [3:35] Intimacy is not only sexual. Dr. Janice talks about the other seven types of intimacy. [5:40] How can affection be different from the affection you have for a friend?  [7:25] Dr. Janice also shares what physical activities partners can do together that are not sexual. [10:45] What is spiritual connection? [11:30] Dr. Rob shares what intellectual connection means for him and his husband.  [12:25] Another way to connect is social. Dr. Janice explains further. [13:20] Emotional connection is when you share your feelings about something. Dr. Janice talks about “I” statements when sharing your feelings. [16:05] These other areas of intimacy can help you grow your sex life. Dr. Janice explains how. [19:20] Can people with differences come together in a passionate way without disagreement?  [23:20] Relationships are not magic. Dr. Janice shares the ups and downs of her 40-year marriage. [26:15] Sensuality vs sexuality. Dr. Janice tells the difference.  [29:45] How do you get to sex by not having sex? Dr. Janice talks about the value of couples not being sexual for a period of time. [30:33] Addiction vs yearning. How do you differentiate the two? [35:33] Dr. Janice summarizes the eight types of intimacy and how to use them to connect with your partner.   RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Dearjanis.com Dr. Janis’ Books   QUOTES: “Intimacy is not only sexual.” “We’re talking about building the wealth of friendship, not just sexual partners. But we hope that the person you are involved with is also a friend with whom you have a deep connection with.” “Esthetic connection means that you view something of beauty together. You experience it at the same time.” “You’re not blaming, you’re not saying ‘Look what you did’, you’re just sharing your feelings. And the thing with feelings is that they are never wrong.”

Lynne Friedman-gell and Dr. Joanne Barron are both the Founders of Trauma and Beyond Center, based in Los Angeles. They provide outpatient trauma programs for trauma, mental health, and co-existing disorders. They have written a book, Intergenerational Trauma Workbook, to help people ask reflective questions that allow them to go deeper to heal some of their trauma. In this episode, Lynne and Dr. Joanne go deeper on the impacts trauma really has, how it shows up in addiction, and so much more.    TAKEAWAYS: [2:55] Why did Lynne and Dr. Joanne start a trauma center?  [5:50] How do you define trauma?  [8:40] Our first relationships set up a template of what we’re going to expect in the world.  [10:40] Dr. Rob has seen a lot of trauma survivors who have taken on addiction as a way to cope with their past.  [11:40] One of the best defense mechanisms a child has is to numb themselves and disassociate from their feelings. [13:10] Children end up blaming themselves, instead of their parents. They feel like they’re responsible for ‘all the bad things’ happening to them.  [14:10] What type of therapists should trauma survivors be looking for?  [16:35] How can people heal their past when they don’t even remember?  [21:30] Whenever we are dealing with pain, it compounds because we use the past as a reference.  [27:20] We unconsciously match with other people who have similar attributes to our own dysfunctional families. [30:35] Lynne and Dr. Joanne talk about their book, Intergenerational Trauma Workbook.  [33:10] If we have unprocessed trauma, we will unknowingly pass it on to our children.  [37:10] We all make mistakes and learning how to apologize, forgive, and recover from those mistakes is an important part of life.    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Traumaandbeyondcenter.com Drjoannebarron.com Recoverypsychology.com Intergenerational Trauma Workbook by Lynne Friedman-gell and Dr. Joanne Barron   QUOTES: “So many clients suffer from developmental trauma and they don’t even know it, and there’s no place for them to go.” “Our earliest relationships set up a template of what we’re going to expect in the world. We develop a tolerance for [bad] behavior and see it as love.” “As you get older, the way you respond to life and the problems you have, are causing more and more pain.”

Ken Donaldson has been one of Tampa Bay's leading change specialists since 1987. With a 25 year background as a mental health and relationship counselor, he has a unique perspective in winning in the game of change. Ken's credentials include: Licensed mental health counselor; board certified as an addictions professional and clinical hypnotherapist; and certified as a master relationship coach. In this episode, Ken talks about his book, Marry Yourself First, and the proud change it can bring when you live by your purpose and values.     TAKEAWAYS: [4:20] Ken shares why he wrote the book, Marry Yourself First.  [8:15] How do you ‘marry’ yourself?  [14:30] What areas of your life do you currently feel disappointed in? [18:05] Sometimes we get frustrated because we unknowingly have expectations surrounding that situations and we’re leaving ourselves disappointed.  [21:20] Your reaction is a reflection of you, not a reflection of the person who is triggering you.  [25:40] Ken explains what the MVP and VIP acronyms stand for and how you can live within your values and purpose.  [31:20] How do you know what your priorities are when trying to maintain your values?  [34:55] What happens if you never really do find the partner of your dreams?  [39:00] You have to figure out your own drum beat and march to that beat.  [41:35] Ken has created a structure to help people find inner happiness.    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Kendonaldson.com Marry Yourself First by Ken Donaldson QUOTES: “Usually frustration comes from an expectation.” “When you have a reaction to somebody else, go look in the mirror first.” “We go back to know, like, and trust yourself. Well, you said you knew yourself, but apparently you didn’t trust yourself because you broke your own rules, and by doing that, what does that say about liking yourself?”

Alex Avila is a Master CSAT and the Founder and Director of Relationship Institute of the Rockies. He works with men, women, and couples on their sexual intimacy and helps them explore, and overcome, their trauma so that they can connect deeper and more emotionally in their relationships. Alex is also the author of, 40 Forms of Intimacy, in which he dives into how couples can strengthen their relationship through communication and understanding. Find out more on this week’s episode!   TAKEAWAYS: [2:50] How do you build intimacy while also recovering from addiction? [3:15] What is intimacy? Intimacy is sex! No, not so fast. [7:55] What does intimacy look like in the context of a romantic relationship? [9:30] Alex explains what attunement means and why addicts often struggle in this area. [11:00] How do you truly express appreciation for your partner? [16:00] If things get too heated, take a break. You’re responsible for half of the relationship, and you should be able to communicate that in a healthy way. [22:10] Build a ritual together, build a space in your home where it’s a safe space to air out some of your grievances. A safe space to communicate openly. [28:30] Remember, we are human. Sometimes when we express vulnerability, the other person can take it down a completely different road than where we wanted it to go. [34:25] If you’re not in a relationship, would you still benefit from Alex’s book? [37:00] Feel free to reach out to Alex for more information!   RESOURCES: The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Dr. Rob Guest Lecture on Sex and Relationship Healing Relationshipinstitute.org Alex on LinkedIn Alex on Twitter Grab Alex’s book: 40 Forms of Intimacy   QUOTES: “Sometimes we appreciate things, but we don’t turn those thoughts into words.” “When someone says something, it just triggers a thought and then we grab the conversation and take it in a whole different direction. That can be painful.” “In all these topics we’re talking about respect, safety, and being sensitive to each other.”

In this week’s episode, Dr. Rob shares part 2 of a webinar he did about addiction, relationship healing, low-self esteem, the power of denial, and so much more. When Dr. Rob was at the height of his addiction, he felt terrible all the time. He felt ashamed, he was suffering from depression, and he was wondering why. Despite this, he never wanted to pin his depression on his addictions. He was looking for every excuse in the book to not live a life of integrity. Addicts love to live in their own fantasy and will do everything they can, blame anyone they can, to keep that ruse up. Healthy people live in their reality and realize ‘Oops, that hurts me. I need to stop’, and they do! Dr. Rob talks about how to wake up and start living in reality again.   TAKEAWAYS: [1:30] The breaking of trust is what destroys our spouses. [4:00] A healthy person recognizes their reality and changes their bad actions. Addicts blame reality because it means they can keep living in their fantasy and in their addiction. They choose to blame reality for their bad actions. [7:40] Addicts shift their focus to, “How can I keep doing what I’m doing and get away with it?” [8:10] At the height of Dr. Rob’s addiction, he wondered why he was so depressed all the time. It was because he was having sex with strangers who he had no connection with! [10:30] Dr. Rob realized he had been running away from home his whole life. Yet home was what he deeply wanted! [13:00] Let’s talk about plate spinning. [13:55] We live in our own lies. [18:00] How do addicts compartmentalize their lives so well? [19:50] What is the true path to happiness? [23:25] Dr. Rob answers a listener's question about compartmentalization. [25:25] Dr. Rob answers another question. “I feel like being real with my spouse is hurting more than helping.”   RESOURCES: The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Dr. Rob Guest Lecture on Sex and Relationship Healing   QUOTES: “We make bad decisions because we’re not facing our choices in reality.” “Reality wins. It will eventually catch up to you.” “We are more vulnerable than most men. We think we’re stronger, but we’re not. We run away from our reality.”

In this week’s episode, Dr. Rob shares a webinar he did about addiction, relationship healing, low-self esteem, the power of denial, and so much more. As addicts, we become so disintegrated in our everyday lives. We do not believe our loved ones when they say they love us. We do everything in our power to push love away because we feel we do not deserve it. There’s a lot of internal shame that we face. Dr. Rob talks about how you can begin to live a life of integrity and value, and connection with your loved ones. It is possible! You just have got to take it step by step.    TAKEAWAYS: [2:45] What Rob is about to talk about is not therapy. It’s supplemental therapy.  [3:55] Rob started doing this work when he was 26 years old.  [4:55] Get a piece of pen and paper folks. You’ll be writing some notes down! [5:25] DENIAL: Don’t Even Know I Am Lying.  [7:15] Here’s why denial is powerful to our survival.  [12:25] Why is the word ‘integrity' so important?  [13:40] In our addictions, we are disintegrated.  [14:00] Addicts already have low-self esteem and hold a lot of shame.  [14:50] What is the definition of intimacy? It’s not sex.  [16:10] What breaks your partner’s heart is that they can’t trust you anymore.  [20:10] Of course your spouse would be the last to know! They love you! They trust you! And now that trust is broken.  [22:10] Spouses are looking through your phone to find that they can trust you again.  [23:35] Rob wants you to write out the words ‘Addict’ and ‘Healthy Person’. [26:25] Healthy people choose reality. Addicts choose to live in fantasy.  [28:40] You’re living in denial if you believe that your actions won’t affect others.    RESOURCES:  The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Dr. Rob Guest Lecture on Sex and Relationship Healing   QUOTES: “Disintegration allows us to do what we want to do, but it keeps any real love away.” “Intimacy is being known fully by people who love you. Letting yourself be known with no secrets.” “He’s being honest. That has a profound meaning for the partner even if you don’t have your stuff together.”

Kelly Ibarra is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) who specializes in Sexual Addiction and complex partner betrayal trauma. Kelly is the author of Deeply Troubled Radically Forgiven: A memoir about rebuilding after complex sexual betrayal. She is also a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT) and is trained in Somatic and Attachment-Focused EMDR (SAFE). In this week’s episode, Kelly talks about why she wrote her book and how she helps people who have been in her position of deep emotional hurt that was comfortable to tolerate.   TAKEAWAYS: [2:45] Why did Kelly write her book, Deeply Troubled Radically Forgiven? [4:25] Kelly, unfortunately, has had first-hand experience on what it’s like to love a partner that acts out. [7:00] When Kelly met her husband, he had been acting out for at least 20 years. [9:00] Kelly shares a little bit about her relationship with her husband and how she began to find out that he had an addiction. [13:00] When Kelly found out the extent of the addiction, her husband asked to ‘call her back because he was with friends’. The lack of attunement is very real for a lot of people with trauma. [14:35] It took years for Kelly’s husband to walk into a counselor's office. [15:55] Why did Kelly stay in the relationship for so long? [20:00] Because of Kelly’s own traumas, she was deeply attracted to her husband’s behaviors because they made sense to her. The more ‘stable’ guys were seen as a novelty and it scared her away. [22:55] How did Kelly recover from this? [25:35] What makes a partner heal from betrayal? [29:05] Partners in recovery are learning to dance for the very first time. [34:00] What are primary and secondary emotions? [37:45] How has this trauma affected Kelly’s children? [42:40] No matter how bad things really are, your children have to be the primary focus. [46:40] After a betrayal, how can you be intimate again?   RESOURCES:  The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Connect with Kelly: LinkedIn & Deeply Troubled Radically Forgiven.  Email Kelly: KIbarra@CPCounsel.net   QUOTES: “When it eventually got to a place where he’s like, “I have a problem.” It didn't mean he was ready to suit up and jump out of the plane.” “No matter what we’ve been through, a lot of things that happened to us as kids affect the way we see relationships and experiences as adults.” “I stayed because I felt like no one else would love me, nobody would accept me.”

Rob and Tami talk about the biggest emotion you should fear in your marriage is not hate, it’s indifference. When they no longer care, that’s when you know the relationship can not be salvaged. They also share how you can recover from a betrayal, and how long it truly takes to ‘heal’ an addiction.   TAKEAWAYS: [0:30] Dissociation and decompartmentalization, how does it work? [3:50] Addicts don’t trust that people can soothe and comfort us. [6:25] At the end of the day, reality is what wins. [8:00] How long does it take to really heal from sexual addiction? [15:35] Been with your addict for a long time? Tami and Rob have a support group for you. [16:35] How does an addict’s emotional abuse get addressed at Seeking Integrity? [20:45] When should I tell my daughter about our toxic relationship? [23:40] My wife is hurt beyond belief. She wants to know how to make the pain stop? [29:15] Partners are searching through everything you have because they’re looking for reasons to stay. [29:45] The opposite of love is indifference.   RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating Book by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Book by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction by Robert Weiss Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating Book by Robert Weiss Cruise Control Book by Robert Weiss   QUOTES “Addicts don’t trust that other people can soothe and comfort us. We’re the only ones who we believe can make ourselves feel better.” “We don’t ever heal addiction. Addiction is a form of mental illness.” “If you pursue your recovery with the same energy you pursued when you’re acting out, you’ll do really well, but it’s going to take a lot.”

Harriet Hunter has been on a long journey of sobriety and uses her experiences to help others overcome their addiction to alcoholism and drugs. Her drug of choice these days? Journaling. Harriet started this practice to finally be ‘seen’ for the first time. As someone who was always hidden in the shadows, journaling provided Harriet an outlet where she could explore her thoughts, emotions, and more in an organized way. Through journaling, Harriet found healing. Find more about her story in this week’s episode.    TAKEAWAYS: [2:15] A little bit about Harriet and the kind of work she does.  [3:45] Harriet started her journaling practice just to feel like she existed.  [6:00] Despite getting married and having a child, Harriet’s addiction was still going strong. [7:15] Both Harriet’s husband and daughter, who was only 26, passed away.  [7:55] Journaling allowed Harriet to go places where she wouldn’t let herself go in ‘real life’.  [8:55] Harriet had a terrible marriage with her husband, but he would often say to her that he liked her better when she drank.  [10:00] What is journaling?  [11:30] When Harriet’s husband passed, she realized she never had been alone before.  [12:45] What’s the difference between ‘standard’ journaling and journaling with purpose?  [15:10] How does it make you feel? Harriet didn’t even know how to answer that question. [17:30] Harriet is grateful she’s alone.  [21:25] When Harriet was watching her daughter die, she had to connect herself to a spiritual purpose.  [23:35] God wasn’t punishing Harriet.  [26:25] What is the patient bill of rights all about?  [27:35] This is a journey between Harriet and her higher power. [28:15] Life is a big session of teaching us how to let go.  [31:55] What is Harriet’s course all about and how does she help people with a journaling practice?  [33:45] Harriet’s book was written shortly after her daughter passed away.  [36:30] Harriet is alive today to help bring peace to others.    RESOURCES:  The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Connect with Harriet: Harriethunter.org & Miracles of Recovery   QUOTES: “I was successful at nothing. I had jobs to sustain my lifestyle. To pay for my addiction.” “Journaling is a walk to the heart. When I pick up a pen, it allows me to see what I would not see otherwise.” “I got sober online. I never had the guts to walk into a room. I was terrified.” “The end goal is to find the positive and find our own truth of positivity inside of us.”

Dr. Merry Frons has been working with individuals’ and couples’ relationship issues for the past 25 years. Her training as a sex therapist grew out of her experience working with couples when she realized that sexuality issues were part of couples' concerns and had a large influence on the underlying couples’ dynamic. Dr. Merry is out with a new book, The Trust Solution, where she talks about how two spouses can work on building trust and a healthy relationship again; A topic both her and Dr. Rob dive into on this week’s episode!    TAKEAWAYS: [1:25] A little bit about Dr. Merry Frons [3:25] Why did Dr. Merry decide to write her book, The Trust Solution?  [5:20] So many people are dealing with intimacy betrayal issues and they need guidance and help. It’s difficult to navigate this space alone. [6:55] What does the betrayed partner go through after they’ve discovered infidelity?  [8:15] Dr. Merry shares some of the important steps a hurt partner needs to focus on.  [10:45] If the cheating partner wants to work through this, what can they do?  [12:20] The biggest step to a better relationship is by being honest and coming clean. [14:25] Sometimes a betrayed partner wants to know everything and anything, but there are limits to knowing everything.  [16:15] The betrayed spouse doesn’t want to continue the relationship, now what?  [18:40] if both parties want to make it work, what are the next steps?  [23:20] What does Dr. Merry mean by attunement in this context? [26:45] The spouse that has broken the relationship is trying, but they might not know about the tools available to them to help build healing. [27:25] How do you build a two-party system when you’re so hurt and angry? A real partnership?  [31:10] What does Dr. Merry mean by ‘flow’?  [33:50] There’s no right or wrong decision on whether to stay or go.  RESOURCES:  The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Connect with Dr. Merry: Renewcounselingpllc.com   QUOTES: “How could you do this if you loved me? You say you loved me, and yet you did this to me.” “The hurt partner needs time to process these emotions. They need safety, support, and soothing.” “You can’t heal what is not acknowledged.”

Carol Jeurgensen Sheets is a certified CSAT, Social Worker, and has been in this space for over 40 years. It is Carol’s mission to help both betrayed spouses and addicts overcome their own hurts and challenges so that they can live happy lives together. As a betrayed spouse, it’s important that you do inner work to heal your wounds and hurts that your addict has caused you. In this episode, Carol talks about her new book, Unleashing Your Power, and how you can use it (along with her other online workshop resources) to practice self-care and to heal.    TAKEAWAYS: [2:15] A little bit about Carol and her background in this field.  [4:25] What is Carol seeing on the ground after a partner has experienced betrayal?  [6:20] How does Carol help a betrayed spouse grow and heal from these events?  [10:15] Some betrayed spouses feel like they’re going crazy because they’re doing things they’d never thought were possible because they’re so hurt and angry at their spouse.  [12:30] When you go through a transformation, you end up on the other side enlightened.  [16:20] Carol talks about her new book, Unleashing Your Power.  [19:40] How can someone love you and hurt you so deeply at the same time?  [21:45] What kind of homework or work does a betrayed spouse need to focus on?  [24:05] You need to work on healing your hurt and working on your own self-care as your addict goes through their own journey.

Stefanie Carnes, Ph.D., CSAT-S is the President of the International Institute for Trauma and Addiction Professionals, a training institute and professional organization for addiction professionals, and a senior fellow for Meadows Behavioral Healthcare where she works with sexually addicted clients and their families. Dr. Stefanie talks about the recent tragedies that happened in Atlanta, and how the shoot claimed he struggled with porn addiction, and more. Do sex addicts commit violent crimes?    TAKEAWAYS: [2:25] Let’s talk about the tragedies that happened in Atlanta. [3:35] Sex addiction and murder, are they connected?  [7:55] We also have a high rate of suicides. Most times people turn their aggression inwards. [8:20] Did the shooter have other underlying mental disorders?  [8:50] Sex addiction has always been seen as a ‘joke’.  [12:05] There is so much research on this topic and yet people don’t take it seriously.  [14:55] A huge portion of the population is struggling with this.  [16:45] People want to see criminals being held accountable.  [17:45] The public sees really big stories of what sex addiction can do, but they don’t see how it affects the everyday man and woman.  [20:35] Why can’t someone just read a book and then do this work?  [22:25] Are people just going to these therapists to treat a problem they don’t really have?  [24:30] There is simply not enough resources for sex addicts. [27:35] What are some of the common feelings a betrayed spouse might face/experience?  [31:25] Want to learn more about this work? Reach out to Dr. Stefanie.    RESOURCES:  The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Connect with Dr. Stefanie: Iitap.com & Stefaniecarnes.com   QUOTES: “10% of men and 7% of women were struggling with porn addiction.” “The industry was created because there was a need. They’d go to a sex therapist and they’d say this [form of] addiction doesn’t exist.” “72% of betrayed spouses are having trouble functioning. Just getting through the day is difficult.” “They find themselves confused and overwhelmed, which are all symptoms of trauma.”

Welcome to Sex, Love and Addiction 101! Your host, Rob Weiss, is a licensed therapist, sexologist and author of numerous books on sex, relationships and addiction. This podcast is a way to discuss these topics in frank and informative ways. Rob will talk with everyone from experts from around the world to regular people just looking to make their relationships better.     In today’s episode, Rob breaks down what sex addiction is, and isn’t. He also discusses the recovery of sex and love addiction, and resources on ways to further expand your education on the topic.   TAKEAWAYS [1:17] Sex addiction is a repetitive pattern of using sexual fantasy and behavior as a way to escape difficult feelings or emotions. It is a lifelong struggle, and is not the same thing as sexual orientation or gender identity. [6:29] Rob equates a sex addiction to an eating disorder in the way that we have a primal need, but it can become disruptive and harmful to our normal lives. [8:44] The life of a sex addict ends up being a double life, and many times affection and connection is compartmentalized away from intensity, fantasy and stimulation. [11:36] It is rarely about the partner, and addicts may try to blame their spouse to take some of the distractions away from their own compulsion and need for recovery. [14:19] Sex addicts have a responsibility to work on themselves, get support and commit to recovery. [16:02] Real love is knowing someone fully, and accepting them fully as they are. It takes about two years to truly know and understand who someone is. The love addict looks for these experiences with blinders on to soothe and mask their loneliness, obsession and emptiness. [19:44] Rob explains how sex and love use pleasure to escape reality, and how Intermittent Reinforcement is used to perpetuate this behavior and lose focus of the reality of the situation. [23:55] Being a sex addict does not excuse the behavior, but does mean there is a lot of work to be done in order to clean up their act.   RESOURCES Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Out of the Doghouse Cruise Control Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous Out of the Shadows Always Turned On Charlotte Kasl Brenda Schaeffer

Kristin Snowden and Scott Brassart collaborated to write a book, based on the 12-step program, that can help anyone, of all walks of life, find coping strategies when ‘life just happens’. Not an addict herself, Kristin struggled deeply when crisis after crisis happened in her life and she was completely unable to cope. She used the 12-step program to help her through this journey and give herself a newfound sense of accountability. Scott, a person in recovery and has gone through the steps himself, underlines the importance of each step within the book and how it can completely change your life. Find out about Kristen and Scott’s story on this week’s episode!   TAKEAWAYS: [2:15] A little bit about Kristen and Scott and what they do. [3:45] How did Kristen and Scott get to working together on this book? [6:35] The 12-step program really helped Kristen get through a lot of interpersonal conflict within herself even though she is not an addict herself.  [8:10] Is there a 12-step program for ‘normal’ people? That’s what Kristen’s and Scott’s book is all about! [10:40] Is the 12-step program a cult? [11:40] We are tribal people, we find our tribe and we follow it. There’s nothing wrong with that. [13:20] What is a 12-step program, really? [16:40] How does the 12-step program help ‘regular people’? Kristen shares how it helped her. [20:40] What was Kristen’s ‘bottom’ that made her seek additional help and get accountability? [24:45] When bad things happen, how do you deal with it? This book is to help you get the right coping strategies. [28:00] Scott breaks down how the book is structured. [32:30] Kristen shares who this book is for and why it can help you!   RESOURCES:  The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Connect with Kristen & Scott: https://www.kristinsnowden.com/book & Life Anonymous book   QUOTES: “When I didn’t start getting what I wanted, my life crumbled and I realized I had such poor coping skills when life was coming at me and I couldn’t control it.” “I was a transactional Christian. I did good to get good. I put up superficial fronts to say I was good and great.” “Addiction is a maladaptive coping skill and it works until it doesn’t work.” “People find soliance and guidance in all kinds of places. The 12-step program is painfully underutilized. The 12-steps teach coping skills.”

Rob and Tami talk about codependency and why the term actually shames betrayed partners, not supports them. They also dive into some of the misconceptions people have about the partners of addicts. In this week’s episode, they share how you can find a therapist that understands you and what you’re going through, and doesn’t shame you.   TAKEAWAYS: [0:25] Is it a good sign my addict is apologizing or is this a manipulation tactic? [2:15] Dr. Rob, are you offering partner meetings? [3:50] Can codependency delay the addict’s recovery? [8:00] Your partner stays with you because they love you! Not because they love your addictions! [9:10] I can’t find a CSAT in my area. What should I do? [12:50] My therapist told me I am addicted to my sex-addicted partner. Can betrayed spouses be addicts too? [17:35] What have been some of the biggest changes Dr. Rob sees from the people leaving his treatment center? [21:25] When addicts go through treatment and realize the damage they’ve caused, they become afraid that their spouses will leave them. [24:45] I am struggling to understand addiction. Why do people do it? [29:30] Do addicts have moments of clarity?   RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating Book by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Book by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction by Robert Weiss Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating Book by Robert Weiss Cruise Control Book by Robert Weiss   QUOTES “The partner that’s just been trying to hold things together is just being blamed (for being codependent).” “The word codependency has brought a world of harm onto women for many, many years. It mirrors our history of shaming caregivers.” “There’s a lot of negativity assigned to the spouse for being in this situation with your partner, who is addicted. We love who we love and we stick by who we stick by.” “One of our jobs is that nobody goes out there and does it again without understanding how it’s going to affect the people they love and themselves.”

Dr. Rob does a solo episode this week to talk about the concept of home and what it means to us and how it differs from people who aren’t addicts. No matter where you are, home is meant to be a safe place, but for addicts, it’s a place we run away from. If you grew up in an environment where home was hell, then it makes sense why you never want to go back there. Dr. Rob discusses how you can rebuild and really find ‘HOME’.    TAKEAWAYS: [1:45] Let’s talk about the concept of home.  [2:30] Why do addicts keep running away from home? [4:20] Home is not what kind of furniture you have or what kind of car you drive, or your computer. Home is the people you come home to or that place where you feel like you’re at peace.  [4:50] If you have an intimacy disorder, you’re not going to be able to maintain the home you’ve created for yourself as an adult.  [5:30] We deeply love the homes we create, but we’re broken people and we’re unable to stay there.  [6:25] The minute something goes wrong, we run away. We live double lives.  [7:10] While you’re starving for connection, behind you there is a banquet waiting for you.  [10:45] We often don’t see what’s right in front of us.   [15:10] It makes sense why you want to run away from home. If you grow up in a nightmare, why would you want to stay there as an adult? [18:00] Going ‘home’ for the holidays was just a crazy concept. Home was a scary and unsafe place. [22:30] You can only have one life. Do you want to spend it just running away from everything that’s important to you?  [23:00] How can we make home a joyful and exciting place to be?  [25:30] When we get caught for our bad behavior, home ends up being another unsafe place for us. But this time, instead of running away, you need to fight your way back to it.  [26:55] It’s taken Dr. Rob years to stop running. [29:10] How do you find and rebuild connection again?  [32:00] Your life is going to change for the better. Just put in the work. [33:25] The most important word is ‘Home’.    RESOURCES:  The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency   QUOTES: “Home is the most sacred place in our lives, no matter what kind of foundation that means for us.” “What addicts and those who cheat and/or are unfaithful do, we leave home like everybody else, but then we never come back.” “The nature of an intimacy disorder means you’re constantly running away from home. Constantly looking for intensity and distractions because you can’t deal with home.” “Healthy people don’t have to live a double life.”

Rob and Tami explain in depth what a betrayed spouse is going through during the first year and a half after a reveal, and what a person in recovery can do about it. They also answer listener questions about porn addiction since the age of 10, and what to do when a CSAT therapist sides with the addict and not with the betrayed spouse.   TAKEAWAYS: [0:25] My wife hates me. When will it stop? [2:25] Dr. Rob explains why it’s important for betrayed spouses to find a place to vent outside of your home with the addict. [4:25] He’s just not getting it! Will I ever get empathy from my addict? [8:00] I have been a compulsive user of sexual fantasy since I was 10. I’m struggling. How do I become normal again? [13:15] As a betrayed spouse, I’m seeing red flags with my husband’s current therapist. The therapist blames me! [15:40] Not all therapists are good therapists. You do get a mixed bag and it can be a journey to find the right one. [18:45] My addict broke my boundaries. What do I do? [25:35] At Seeking Integrity, Dr. Rob and his team turn boys into men. [27:35] Is there something wrong with me that I want to be intimate with my untrustworthy addict?   RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating Book by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Book by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction by Robert Weiss Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating Book by Robert Weiss Cruise Control Book by Robert Weiss   QUOTES “After a year and a half, I will say to betrayed spouses that, at a certain point, your anger can be unproductive.” “I think it’s important for every betrayed spouse to have a place to go where they can vent because addicts need some space from you in order to grow, even though we deserve [the anger]!” “Stopping the bad behavior I can do in a month or two, but becoming a good person can take a long time. A lot of therapy.” “Stopping the behavior is critically important, but also address the underlying issues. There’s a reason we use these addictions as an escape.”

Ken Page, LCSW, is a renowned psychotherapist, popular Psychology Today blogger, and author of the bestseller Deeper Dating: How to Drop the Games of Seduction and Discover the Power of Intimacy. Ken was desperately looking for love but found himself chronically single as the years went by. What was he doing wrong? Through his own exploration and diving into the research, Ken shares how we can build intimacy and find a loving and healthy relationship on this week’s episode.    TAKEAWAYS: [3:05] How can single people in recovery safely find their life partner?   [3:45] Ken understands. He was an awful dater for the longest time.  [4:50] Ken really wanted to find someone, but he was always single for one reason or another.  [6:35] Although Ken is gay, the lessons he teaches applies to anyone, no matter their sexual orientation.  [7:55] One day, Ken found himself being called to be a dad. Things changed for him. 9 months later he adopted a child and it led to Ken finding his husband, too.  [9:40] How do you date so that you find a good match for you? This is rarely talked about. [9:55] Ken walks you through an intimacy map. [12:45] How can you put your best foot forward while still remaining authentic? [14:00] How do you bring your most intimate self on a date? Ken shares an example.  [14:45] Keep a journey for two days and note the things that hurt you and note the things that fill your heart.  [18:00] Sometimes, we would rather die than reveal our true self.  [19:20] Does my soul feel safe with this person?  [20:40] Are you pushing love away while you are also looking for love?  [23:40] Can you find true love on Tinder/Grindr?  [27:55] Your deepest gifts are underneath your defense mechanisms.    RESOURCES:  The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Connect with Ken: Deeperdatingpodcast.com & https://deeperdating.com   QUOTES: “You’ve been talking about looking for love for a really long time, but you’re always single. I don’t think you really mean it.” “As you move closer to the center of the target, that’s you becoming more authentic and the further in you get, the closer you are to the beating heart of humanity.” “It’s an internal journey first to embrace your gifts. When you do that, our dating life changes.” “We all have a true self and we create a false self around that to protect ourselves.”

Dr’s. Ginger and Bill Bercaw are the founders of The California Center for Healing in Pasadena, CA. The Bercaws are nationally recognized relationship and sexuality experts, appearing regularly on Access Hollywood Live and Fox News as well as being Huffington Post columnists and cited in Men’s Health, Cosmopolitan, Maxim, and the LA Times. Drs. Ginger and Bill discuss how a betrayed spouse can become intimate with their love or sex addict, ways couples can build intimacy, and how to prioritize therapy when we all live busy lives.   TAKEAWAYS: [3:25] How do you reintegrate healthy sexuality and trust after betrayal. [5:40] Couples who have made it through the traumatic effects of the betrayal are still going to struggle in the bedroom. [6:55] When a partner finds out about a 12-year affair, some of them want to jump into bed with them right away. Why is that? [11:15] Most recovering sex addicts are not familiar with what intimacy means.  [12:45] What can couples do to take the first step to building intimacy? [20:00] The next step is communication to help restore sensuality in the relationship. [23:50] In Drs. Ginger and Bill’s model, the next step or critical piece to healing is education. [26:20] How do Drs. Ginger and Bill keep their couples motivated to keep pursuing therapy and work on themselves? [28:45] What makes certain couples struggle vs. other couples that thrive? It comes down to the person’s trauma. [30:50] We all have busy lives. Who has time for therapy?   RESOURCES:  The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Connect with Drs. Ginger and Bill Bercaw: Drsbercaw.com   QUOTES: “By and large, we don’t typically see couples who have great sex lives before discovery.” “We were introduced to a model of communicating and I remember walking out of that therapist’s office and just shaking my head. Normal people don’t talk to each other this way! However, maybe we should try something that’s abnormal.” “If you do have the willingness to prioritize your relationship. It doesn’t have to be an hour every night, it can be half an hour 2-3 times a week. Something to give you traction.” “You can’t ‘will it’ that way or ‘wish it’ that way. You have to be willing to put in the work just like anything else.”

Kristin Snowden is a specialist in helping clients recover and heal from addiction, depression, anxiety, trauma, loss, and relationship challenges (namely infidelity and divorce). Kristin has seen women come into her office completely unsure why they feel depressed, why they feel lost, why they feel so broken. And upon further investigation, it’s because these women hide their true feelings and they’re being gaslighted by their addict. Kristin discusses how you’re not crazy about the feelings you have and how to own your power and work on building trust again with your addict.   TAKEAWAYS: [2:45] What is it like working with Dr. Rob? [4:15] Kristin wanted to get Dr. Rob’s thoughts on how betrayed spouses navigate depression and their sexual traumas. [10:00] When someone has been betrayed. They mentally choose to move forward not move on, but their bodies don’t react the same way. [11:15] How does the betrayed partner end up being convinced they’re the problem or they’re the ones with depression? [14:40] Do not invalidate what your body is telling you. [17;55] If something is bothering you and it’s triggering your feelings of betrayal all over again, speak up. You don’t need to hide it. [21:05] You don’t need to deeply examine yourself when the problem is right in front of you. You don’t need to feel more shame about that. [24:00] Some people discover that they’ve really been shamed by their partner for having very real feelings and decide they’re completely done and don’t want to put up with the lies anymore. [26:15] The key is to practice humility and to show up better for yourself despite being hurt and wanting to kick and scream and throw things. [28:05] How do you be strong for yourself when your partner is gaslighting you? [30:50] Group therapy is critical in making you realize you’re not crazy.   RESOURCES:  The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Connect with Kristin: Kristinsnowden.com Kristin on YouTube   QUOTES: “It’s the person you’re supposed to be the most intimate with and love the most and you feel the most unsafe with them.” “That’s why I encourage therapists who specialize in sex addiction and trauma to really understand the deep unconscious traumas around this as well as shame resiliency work.” “You can’t fix anything you’re not aware of. You can’t change any patterns that you don’t realize exist.” “We say depression is anger turned inward.”

Rob and Tami discuss how to best keep boundaries with your mother, how to work through betrayal as a betrayed spouse in a way that encourages your addict to be honest with you, and Rob explains how sexuality works and why you might be attracted to men vs. not.    TAKEAWAYS: [0:45] How can I communicate my boundaries without making it into a threat? [7:25] There are three rules you want to keep in mind when you want to make it work and there’s been a betrayal in the relationship. Dr. Rob explains.  [9:50] How do I set boundaries with my mother who subjected me to covert incest? [15:05] Can a man be bi or gay without being sexually aroused by male bodies? [21:45] My wife caught me and is now hypersensitive to stress. How long will this last? [28:20] My boyfriend has a porn addiction. What’s next?   RESOURCES:  Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating Book by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Book by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction by Robert Weiss Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating Book by Robert Weiss Cruise Control Book by Robert Weiss   QUOTES: “My focus in early recovery would be if he is being honest with me. Is he talking regularly about what he’s doing in therapy?” “You can’t fix your wife. You can only work on your addiction and your healing so that you’re aren’t showing up being the betrayer over and over again.” “We knew what we were doing. We chose what we wanted to say to our spouses and hide.” “We kept this a secret from them and we worked hard at it. It’s often a tremendous shock to your spouse and we need to give them the grace at the time to be angry and hurt for a while.”

Rob and Tami dive into whether you can rewire your sexual tastes after being exposed to hardcore porn. They also discuss how to have a successful open relationship (when you’re not an addict) and so much more on this week’s episode!   TAKEAWAYS: [0:30] Can I rewire my sexual tastes? [6:10] I don’t think I can handle my partner relapsing. What can I do? [10:45] How can we have a successful open relationship? [13:45] Should addicts reveal their addiction to their family members? [18:00] I stumbled upon child porn and I felt guilty ever since watching it. How do I get over this? [19:45] How do you create healthy boundaries as a sex addict? [24:15] My husband of 28 years has paid for prostitutes for the last 8 years. Will this pain ever end?   RESOURCES:  Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating Book by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Book by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction by Robert Weiss Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating Book by Robert Weiss Cruise Control Book by Robert Weiss

Kelley Gunter is an internationally acclaimed speaker, life coach, and author of the memoir, You Have Such a Pretty Face. She is a survivor, emotional warrior, and a woman in recovery who is unafraid to tell her truth. She went through a 243lb weight loss journey and opens up about her multiple addictions in this week's episode. If she can get through to the other side, so can you.   TAKEAWAYS: [2:05] For many women, it's very hard to tell their truth due to society's expectations of them. [3:35] Kelley shares why now is the perfect time to share her truth and her story. [4:05] Kelley made a promise to God that if she could get past this dark time in her life, she will use her voice to empower others. [6:15] When Kelley was 400lb, people would often tell her it was 'such a shame' she was so overweight because 'she had such a pretty face'. It killed her soul every time she heard that. [7:40] When trying to give a compliment, drop out the qualifier. Just say you're pretty! [9:10] Kelley shares her experiences on what it was like to be 'that fat girl'. [11:25] A lot of women end up consciously gaining a large amount of weight because it makes them feel safe and keeps an arm's distance away from men. Kelley shares her thoughts on this. [12:45] How does someone gain 400lb? [14:45] Our pain speaks to us in different languages. [21:10] Kelley was terribly insecure and would often try to buy everybody’s love. [23:50] Most of our addictions don’t come up as ‘just one thing’. It’s a host of issues. [24:45] Kelley’s gambling issues brought everything and her whole life to her knees. [26:30] Kelley knew she wasn’t a bad person, she was a broken person. We all make mistakes, but we aren’t our mistakes. [31:40] Remember, tomorrow is a new day. [34:45] Kelley talks about her upcoming second book.   RESOURCES:  The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Connect with Kelley: Kelleygunter.com Kelley’s book: You Have Such a Pretty Face   QUOTES: “I was in such a dark place in my life, I was praying to God to let me die, and I couldn't find any truthful stories of people who had made mistakes, people who had suffered, and came out on the other side of it.” “The world can be very, very cruel. Even more painful than the mean comments was that I was just invisible. The world just sees right past you, like you don't even matter.” “Food was the one thing I could go to that would never let me down. I wasn't trying to push people away, but it was the only thing I loved and it loved me back.” “Unhealed trauma will sit quietly in the control room of your soul dictating every calamity.”

Jenna Riemersma is the Clinical Director of The Atlanta Center for Relational Healing. She is a teaching faculty member for the International Institute of Trauma and Addiction Professionals (IITAP). Jenna holds a Master's degree in Public Policy from Harvard University and a Masters’ Degree in Professional Counseling from Richmont Graduate University. Jenna is the recent author of Altogether You, which better explains IFS therapy and how every part of you is meant to be (and should not be shamed for it).   TAKEAWAYS: [3:00] What is Jenna’s book about and why did she write it? [5:15] How do we best manage or process the different parts of ourselves? [7:15] We each have a core or a deep self within us. It is whole and it consists of the 8 C’s. However, our different parts (traumas) jump up and obstruct our access to our deep self. [10:55] Dr. Rob shares an example to better understand what Jenna means. [14:30] How do you bring healing to your different parts to become connected to your core self? [15:50] Why do we have such high relapse rates in addiction? [18:50] When we live in our core self, we instinctively embrace all parts. [21:45] Rage and sex addiction are not okay, but the part underneath it all is what we’re trying to help: the individual. [24:10] We all have parts at war within ourselves. For addicts, it might be they want to act out sexually and at the same time, they desperately want to be faithful to their partner. [28:00] IFS is applicable not for addiction, but for relationships and conflict. [33:15] How does MDMA help people with complex PTSD?   RESOURCES:  The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Connect with Jenna Riemersma: Jennariemersma.com Jenna’s book: Altogether You   QUOTES: “The more effective way to bring healing to a part is by recognizing this is a wonderful part that’s gotten stuck in a very damaging role.” “It’s really about befriending the parts of us of which we are the most ashamed and the parts we feel are the most unacceptable.” “All parts of them are welcome and there’s another way besides shaming ourselves that we can heal.” “We all have parts at war and they look different in all of us.”

Dr. Jamie Marich is an EMDR therapy master trainer and the author of several books including, Trauma and the Twelve Steps and Trauma Made Simple. On this week’s show, Dr. Jamie discusses the healing process between the Twelve Step program and addressing your trauma. She also discusses her philosophy with the Twelve Step program and why it’s important to update the language in it to help people grow and recover.    TAKEAWAYS: [3:00] Dr. Jamie has recently revised one of her books, Trauma and the Twelve Steps. [4:00] People who have worked heavily in the trauma world had a low opinion about the Twelve Steps and vice versa. Why is that? [5:45] Wounds can come in all shapes and sizes, but healing can take on all different forms. [9:00] People use the Twelve Steps as commands, but Dr. Jamie has always seen it as suggested steps. [13:35] The wound itself is not the issue in trauma. It’s how it gets addressed and healed that is. [14:20] A lot of people think they have dealt with their trauma, but they really haven’t. [19:35] Admitting your powerlessness over alcohol or your addiction does not mean you are a powerless person. [21:45] We have to be willing to update the language with the times. The Twelve Steps was written in the 1930s. [28:30] Trauma is never fully healed, but it does evolve. [32:30] We have to validate ourselves, the reality of what’s happening, and we have to validate each other, and then we have to challenge it. [35:35] Is it true we will never truly ‘thrive’ in life?   RESOURCES:  The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Connect with Dr. Jamie: Dr. Jamie Marich  Dr. Jamie’s Book: Trauma and the 12 Steps, Revised and Expanded: An Inclusive Guide to Enhancing Recovery  Traumamadesimple.com Instituteforcreativemindfulness.com Jamie Marich on Twitter  QUOTES: “Why is trauma not the problem? The wound itself is not the issue. It’s how does it get addressed, how does it get healed, and what is the existing system of the person experiencing it.” “There’s a lot of people who think they’ve dealt with their trauma or it hasn’t affected them, but they really haven’t.” “A principle I teach in trauma-informed care is there is always a modification, and I think more people would be opened to the twelve steps if we allowed for that.” “After everything you’ve been through, it’s no wonder you’ve become an alcoholic, what are you going to do about it now?”

Michelle Holleman is a Sex Addiction Therapist based out of Charlotte, North Carolina. Michelle councils pre-teens and teenagers about their porn addiction habits and teaches children the difference between reality and fiction. Young children are being exposed to porn and it can deeply impact their brain. Michelle shares seven tips parents can use to have a healthy conversation with their children about porn, and why they need to talk about it with them; not avoid it.    TAKEAWAYS: [1:45] Who is Michelle and what does she do?  [3:45] Michelle works with a lot of teens who get caught with porn on their school computer.  [6:25] Usually when Michelle gets called in, parents are very concerned. Michelle tries to calm them down and normalize the situation.  [9:35] Anything that can turn into porn, will be turned into porn, which means that there are pornographic cartoons out there.  [12:00] Parents are very bad at talking to their children about sex. They mostly explain how babies get made, but not the act itself.  [13:35] Locking down your child’s phone doesn’t solve the underlying problem. If it’s not at home, they’ll be exposed to it through their friends.  [18:15] How do the conversations differ between a pre-teen child vs. teenager about the conversation of looking at porn?  [21:25] Between the ages of 8 and 16, 90% of children have seen porn by that age.  [22:45] Porn changes our children’s brains.  [24:15] It’s important to tell the truth when talking to your children. [28:45] Don’t punish your child for looking at porn, it sends the wrong message and they will try to hide it from you.  [32:55] The real problem with porn is that it takes the intimacy and connection in sex away. RESOURCES:  The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Connect with Michelle: Lifehealingcounseling.com & LinkedIn  QUOTES: “The parents get called in and then they start to find out how much porn is on the computer, and that’s where it becomes alarming.” “There are ways we can teach our kids early on about pornography and the difference between porn and healthy sex, which includes intimacy.” “The average age kids are actually seeing porn is around 9-years old the first time they see it and the biggest consumers of porn are boys ages 12-17.” “Between the ages of 8 and 16, 90% of children have seen porn by that age.”

Dr. Louise Stanger is an Ivy League Award winner (2019 Interventionist of the Year from DB Resources in London and McLean Hospital – an affiliate of Harvard), educated social worker, popular author, internationally renowned clinician, interventionist and speaker and an expert on mental health, addiction, process disorders, and chronic pain. In this episode, Dr. Louise provides insight as to how families can best cope and provide support when it comes to a loved one’s addiction.    TAKEAWAYS: [2:45] I can’t stand my family, but I can’t live without them. [6:55] Dr. Louise’s family was very successful in their careers. However, they all had underlying problems with their mental health.  [8:15] We can’t turn back time and be 4 again to get our needs met, but even as we grow into adults, we have cravings to get our needs met from our family.  [9:00] Sometimes we have to grieve the fact that we never got our needs met by our parents.  [10:55] When it comes to our relationships, we might have to live without our loved ones in order for us to fully grow.  [12:00] Why is it hard for us to not see the abuse happening to us?  [15:20] Your unwillingness to change can be the cause of stalled progress. You don’t have to change the way you love someone, but by changing the behaviors/actions around that person can help them progress in their own therapy and healing.  [16:45] What does a good intervention look like?  [23:20] As a family member, it’s very important to take care of yourself spiritually and emotionally.  [25:00] When an addict comes back from therapy, why can’t it just all go back to the way it was?  [26:50] Have you ever said to yourself: ‘If he/she would just fix themselves, everything would be fine.’ Dr. Louise offers advice on how to better approach this.  [29:20] We don’t hear what we don’t want to hear. This is why having an outside/expert opinion matters because it allows you to hear what your spouse has been saying to you for years for the very first time.    RESOURCES:  The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Connect with Dr. Louise: Website & Learn to Thrive Call Dr. Louise: 619-507-1699 The Definitive Guide to Addiction Interventions: A Collective Strategy by Dr. Louise Stanger   QUOTES: “People don’t call me unless their hearts are hurting and there’s some kind of event or crisis that happened with their loved one.” “Relationships with mothers are tough. Like many of us, we are people pleasers. They really want that approval. And all of a sudden, when they’re 40 or 50, they realize they’re never going to get that.” “There’s always been an elephant in the middle of the living room, that behavior has been there, but somehow they haven’t been able to face it until there’s this tipping point.” “Family & friend work is so important because nothing changes until something changes. And if you’re sending your loved one away to be fixed, and then you expect them to come back without a parallel process, that person is doomed.”

Troy L. Love is a two-time Amazon Best-Selling Author and has a third book, A Year of Self-Love, which was published in 2019. Troy shares why we feel such deep shame and dives into the six attachment wounds we carry around after a traumatic childhood. He also helps visualize these six attachment wounds through characters to help people in recovery better understand themselves and their journey.    TAKEAWAYS: [2:45] Troy shares his journey and why he is passionate about helping people with trauma.  [6:15] It took Troy roughly 10 years to feel grounded enough to move forward with his trauma and help other people.  [7:15] How is shame related to addiction. [10:15] Our shame is connected to our attachment wounds. There are six attachment wounds: Loss, Neglect, Rejection, Abandonment, Betrayal, and Abuse. [12:25] How does someone discover whether or not they have childhood trauma or not?  [15:45] Can we get over these childhood traumas?  [19:30] Narcissism can be cured.  [22:55] Our loudest voice is our own judgments.  [29:15] How can someone best recover from their own inadequacies when they have a partner at home who is very upset and hurt over the actions they have done?  [32:15] Darling, I know you suffer, but I am here for you.  [34:05] The use of compassion and empathy are the only ways out!  [36:20] There are places all over the world that can help you. Your location to get good care is no longer a barrier.    RESOURCES:  The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Connect with Troy: Website & A Year of Self Love by Troy L. Love   QUOTES: “Shame is the deep and abiding belief or experience that I am flawed and defective and therefore unworthy of love or belonging.” “I wasn’t acting out anymore, but man, I was still causing damage and it was fueled by the shame.” “Shame is anger turned inwards and when you stop being angry at yourself, you might start biting at people around you.” “As long as you can start doing the work and start to create some empathy and someplace, that creates space for your spouse to also begin to heal.”

Lulu Cook is an expert in eating disorders and food addiction. She is a coach and dietitian. Lulu helps her clients feel good about their emotional and physical health. Food addiction can show up in many ways and it can be a big struggle to stop binge eating. Lulu provides information on why people typically develop eating disorders, how to best recover/manage their relationship with food, and so much more on today’s episode!    TAKEAWAYS: [3:25] Lulu shares her food addiction journey and story.  [6:10] What is the difference between an eating disorder and food addiction?  [14:00] Do people with eating disorders also typically have body dystopia?   [18:00] Why do people typically develop eating disorders?  [24:20] People need to eat food. How does Lulu help manage her client’s addictions?  [29:25] Food addiction can destroy people’s lives. Lulu shares some examples.  [31:05] How do weight and food fit together? If someone is big-boned or a little heavy, how do they recognize they might just like to eat vs. have an addiction?  [33:05] Food touches everything in our lives. Our relationships, faith, environment, and health.  [38:20] Lulu works with clients all over the world, so location is no obstacle if you’re interested in getting some help!    RESOURCES:  The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Connect with Lulu: Lulucook.com & Email: Lulu@gutfeelingcoaching.com   QUOTES: “Food is medicine and the impact of food on my mood was so profound.” “A higher proportion of people who are in bigger bodies will have binging behaviors than smaller people, but that’s not always necessarily the case.” “This stuff is not easy. We don’t get to stop eating if we want to keep living. We just need to learn how to nourish ourselves in ways that feel more healthy.” “I came for the vanity, but I stayed for my sanity.”

Helen E. Fisher, PhD biological anthropologist, is a Senior Research Fellow, at The Kinsey Institute, Indiana University. She has written six books on the evolution, biology, and psychology of human sexuality, monogamy, adultery and divorce, gender differences in the brain, the neural chemistry of romantic love and attachment, human biologically-based personality styles, why we fall in love with one person rather than another, hooking up, friends with benefits, living together and other current trends, and the future of relationships-- what she calls: slow love. In this week’s episode, Dr. Helen shares how people fall into love addiction and why it can feel hopeless to find the right partner to spend your life with.    TAKEAWAYS: [3:00] How did Dr. Helen become a sex expert?  [6:15] There are a lot of misunderstandings about how men and sex.  [8:10] What is love addiction? How is it different from sex addiction?  [10:00] Romantic love addiction can actually be very positive.  [12:20] What do you lose when you get rejected? An important partner to have babies with.  [16:45] How can couples celebrate sexuality?  [20:00] A good positive relationship lowers blood pressure, cortisol, and more!  [22:00] Romantic love grows quickly, but attachment grows slowly.  [24:00] How can we better help love addicted people? [25:30] Covid-19 is a good time to find love?  [29:25] In Dr. Helen’s study with Match, 34% of singles have had sex before the first date.  [31:35] Women are getting married later in life.    RESOURCES:  The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Connect with Helen: Helenfisher.com & Theanatomyoflove.com   QUOTES: “Both men and women have some tremendously effective traits and we need to put our heads together, but to pretend we’re exactly alike is factually incorrect .” “When you’re madly in love with the right person, at the right time, with the right vision, is probably an adaptive mechanism to send their DNA into tomorrow.” “You’re threatened with genetic extinction when you’ve been rejected in love.”   “People in long-term good partnerships, positive relationships, can live up to 5-7 years longer.”

Dr. Rob is back with a continuation of last week’s episode about explaining what prodependence is. How can we better navigate and not stigmatize the people who are just trying to care for their loved ones? Spouses feel terrible enough being married to an active addict, our jobs as therapists is to not make them question themselves, but to help them through their feelings. They are in crisis mode and this means therapists need to do crisis counseling, not codependency counseling. Dr. Rob is tired of seeing spouses blamed for codependency when they are going through a completely natural reaction.    TAKEAWAYS: [1:45] The women who wrote these books about codependency had traumatic abusive fathers and they ended up married to alcoholic or abusive husbands. However, this does not mean it’s a universal experience.   [4:50] Women were focused on paving their own way in the 1980s. It was needed, but the writings of that time also reflect that. Today? We can tell a different story, but we’re still stuck in the 1980s dialogue.  [7:40] So many addicts say, “I could get sober if my wife wouldn’t nag so much.”  [11:00] A loved one is in a crisis and they need support, not stigmatism or judgement.  [11:25] How does Dr. Rob define a crisis?  [12:40] How do you help someone through a crisis? What are the steps in crisis counseling? Dr. Rob explains. [14:45] The partner has been victimized and they should not be victimized further by their therapist.   [19:25] We ideally should respond to addicts with love and compassion, to remind them that they are loved.  [25:20] Codependency tells people they’re living in denial. They’re not.  [28:40] How do addicts feel about codependency?  [31:35] Dr. Rob shares what he helps people with at his treatment center.  [32:15] Some treatment centers cut the family members off from treatment and they lose their connection with the addict.  [33:55] With social distancing, how are people staying connected?  [34:55] Dr. Rob believes two broken people working to heal together are going to get further than individuals trying to heal by themselves.    RESOURCES:  The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency It Will Never Happen to Me! by Claudia Black Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood Codependent No More by Melody Beattie Diagnosing and Treating Co‑dependence by Timmen L. Cermak   QUOTES: “91% of therapists believe that the person who was married to an active addict is in a major crisis.” “Until their family life is settled down, their loved one has gotten sober, they are in a crisis too.” “My job, as a therapist, is to help them through the crisis. Not ask them to question or doubt themselves.”   “Crisis is a state of emotional turmoil for an acute emotional reaction to a powerful stimulus or demand.” “With the addicts in my life that I want to deepen my connection with, I say to them, I love you, whether you’re using or not, I love you whatever state you’re in, and if you need me, I’ll come and sit with you.”

Dr. Rob understands that there might be some confusion over what prodependence is, and sheds some light on how we can better navigate and not stigmatize the people who are just trying to care for their loved one; who so happens to have an addiction problem. We support/feel sorry for the spouse trying to care for their partner’s cancer treatments, but why are they shamed for trying to do the same with mental health or addiction issues? Dr. Rob is tired of seeing spouses blamed for codependency.    TAKEAWAYS: [2:45] Dr. Rob explains what prodependence is by providing a hypothetical example of his wife going through cancer vs. drug addiction.  [5:15] How would your friends and family, and community, react differently to a cancer diagnosis vs. a drug addiction diagnosis?  [8:55] Codependency is just another way of blaming, labelling, and shaming innocent caregivers. [11:55] Codependency is underappreciated and is not a mental health diagnosis.   [14:00] When someone is diagnosed with cancer, they read every book and every resource to help the people they love.  [17:00] When it comes to codependency, which book should you be following? There’s so many and some of them are not qualified.  [21:00] Maybe the reason why we keep writing about this over and over is because it’s never quite worked before?  [24:00] As people help people through addiction, they shouldn’t be labelled as ‘broken’.  [25:00] When did therapists ever do treatment and blamed clients for not fitting into our ‘model’? Yet this happens with supportive partners within addiction all the time.   [29:40] Therapy goes much faster when you don’t label, and blame, the spouses for trying to navigate their partner’s addiction.  [33:15] Stay tuned for part two next week!    RESOURCES:  The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency It Will Never Happen to Me! by Claudia Black Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood Codependent No More by Melody Beattie Diagnosing and Treating Co‑dependence by Timmen L. Cermak   QUOTES: “What is the difference between someone who is medically ill and someone's in crisis and someone who is mentally ill and addicted and they’re in a crisis?” “Codependency is just another way of blaming, labeling, and shaming innocent caregivers who have done nothing more than try to rescue the person they love.” “As far as insurance companies are concerned, codependency doesn’t exist and as far as mental health is concerned, codependency doesn’t exist.”   “This angers loved ones, leaving them wondering why so much attention is being placed on their dysfunction when they’ve been the hyper-functional ones all along.” “Not being where the client is leaves clients feeling more judged than understood.”

Dr. Rob shares some insights on what goes on in the mind of a cheater. Men do not see cheating as big of a betrayal as women do because they have the ability to detach sex from the relationship, whereas a woman will see sex as deeply connected to the relationship and when that breaks, a whole foundation comes down which can take over a year to recover from.   TAKEAWAYS: [2:15] What is considered cheating? Is porn cheating? How about webcamming? How about talking to your exes?  [4:05] Cheating is the keeping of profound secrets in an intimate relationship. [5:40] Cheating doesn’t have to be sex, either. You can lie to your spouse about money and that is also considered to be cheating.  [7:20] Men, for the most part, have the ability to detach sex from the relationship.  [8:45] A man typically doesn’t know how to fully heal their infidelity without professional help. Men just don’t understand women.  [11:35] It can take a year or more for a woman to overcome the betrayal and men want to repair the relationship way faster than that.  [13:15] Partners are often last to know about their partner’s infidelity.  [15:25] What goes on in the mind of a cheater?  [19:40] Spouses get caught in a cycle of trying to discover the true infidelity of the cheater because cheaters will only reveal information in steps or based on what you have uncovered.  [23:40] Are cheaters narcissists?  [29:20] Cheaters cheat because it gives them some form of control.  [31:15] Healthy people reach toward people for support and the addict reaches away.    RESOURCES:  The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency   QUOTES: “I call cheating the keeping of profound secrets in an intimate relationship.” “If you love somebody, you’re deeply connected to them, you’re not looking for what they’re doing wrong, you’re looking for what they’re doing right.” “Secrets kill relationships. Secrets kill trust. Trust is the backbone of the relationship.”   “I have been running away from home for years. When all we really want to do is go ‘home’.” “When you’re in an affair, it’s very controllable. Nobody’s going to hurt you or let you down.”

Dr. Rob went on The Mel Robbins Show with his colleague Noah Church to help a couple work through the man’s porn addiction. Dr. Rob also offered the couple resources they needed to better understand porn addiction after the show. The male partner has felt a lot of regret over his porn use and wants to better understand how to make it stop. His girlfriend is feeling betrayed and doesn’t know where to go from here. Listen in to Dr. Rob’s insight and advice.    TAKEAWAYS: [3:55] The girlfriend is worried about what other lies her boyfriend has told her throughout their 9-year relationship.  [6:00] The boyfriend is feeling a lot of shame right now. He has felt like he’s led a double life for a long time.  [8:20] How can the couple recover from this?  [13:20] If he wants to change, it’s important that he goes to therapy and support groups.  [15:40] Noah weighs in as a former porn addict.  [16:40] How has Noah been able to live a sober life?  [17:35] The boyfriend doesn’t see this as an addiction. He sees the lying as something to be ashamed of, but not the act itself.  [19:25] How does addiction impact the brain? [22:00] How can we talk to our children about porn?  [23:25] What are some of the signs that your partner might be watching porn?  [24:00] Why is porn considered cheating?    RESOURCES:  The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency The Mel Robbins Show Addictedtointernetporn.com   QUOTES: “People see addiction as only related to substances and pornography is treated very lightly in our society. We’re coming to understand that internet pornography can become very addicting as well.” “There are changes that we can see across all addictions that are similar and those changes include sensitization, we are more sensitive to cues that lead to use.” “Young kids now first come into contact with pornography. I read that the average age is 11, and in many cases younger.”   “There’s a false idea, which is if you talk to your kids about sex, they’re going to want to have it. The truth is if you want to protect your kids from porn, you have to teach them early what’s healthy or what isn’t.” “In the digital age, cheating is the keeping of profound secrets in an intimate relationship.”

Karl Staib is the Author of Bring Gratitude, a book to help people unlock their mindset and build a more resilient and confident life. Karl tried to have a head-strong approach to building gratitude, but he realized he was doing it all wrong. Instead of trying to change the way he feels, he started paying attention to how he was feeling, and when he did this, he realized a very important shift happening in his life and wellbeing.    TAKEAWAYS: [2:50] Why is Karl so passionate about gratitude?  [4:25] Watching his father become sicker and sicker made Karl realize he didn’t want to live on grit and willpower alone. [6:45] By analyzing his gratitude journals, he realized he had a lot of mental blocks holding him back. [10:05] Interested in starting a gratitude practice? Figure out your ‘why’ first.  [11:25] Every night Karl writes what he is grateful for and why. [13:35] Karl has a post-it note on his mirror to remind him to think about gratitude when he is brushing his teeth.  [15:45] Use this lockdown period as a transition time to start small and build it into something big.  [17:00] Small baby steps build into sustainable habits.  [19:45] Gratitude is the foundation of mindfulness. [25:05] The idea is to not change how we think or how we feel, it’s giving yourself a moment to think about the emotions these thoughts bring up for you.  [28:15] By having gratitude in Karl’s life, he is more confident and happier.    RESOURCES:  The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency   Bringgratitude.com Bringgratitude.com/plan Bring Gratitude: Feel Joyful Again with Bite‑Sized Mindset Practices by Karl Staib   QUOTES: “We are hard-wired to see the negative. It’s helped us survive for thousands of years.” “Create micro habits by building on a regular habit.” “We’re locked in our houses right now, but the reality is we get locked in our own heads every single day.”   “Right now is an opportunity for us as a transition time to add little habits.” “Is this the thought I want to continue acting on?”

Forest Benedict is a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist, Sexual Addiction Treatment Provider (SATP), and the author of the book, Life After Lust: Stories & Strategies for Sex & Pornography Addiction Recovery. Forest Benedict has taken his practice online! He lives in Washington State but conducts therapy sessions in California, where he is licensed. He discusses how online therapy differs from in-person therapy and what might be the best options for you.    TAKEAWAYS: [2:50] Can you do therapy online?  [5:40] Therapists need to consider both the legal and technical part.  [6:45] Dr. Rob struggles with where to look at the patient. Should he look into the camera or on the screen where he sees the patient?  [8:00] What kinds of concerns do patients bring to Forest about having counseling online?  [10:10] What are some of the advantages of doing therapy online? [12:30] Forest does notice a difference between hosting virtual sessions with older clients vs. younger clients. [14:45] Dr. Rob recognizes that you’re talking about intimacy issues in a very non-intimate space, meaning, the online world. It’s a bit of a contradiction.  [15:30] Some patients feel like when they go to see a sex addiction therapist in person, they might be outed by someone they know. By doing it online, it can be much more discrete.  [17:30] Because of what’s happening in the world, the therapy world will never be the same again. Therapists are being asked to help in any way they can.   [19:15] Does Forest also do couple’s therapy online?  [21:05] Why did Forest decide to move his business online?  [24:05] Should patients go with an in-person session or an online session if they liked the therapist equally?    RESOURCES:  The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Forestbenedict.com   QUOTES: “Just because it’s [dealing with technology] difficult or new, doesn’t mean it’s not helpful.” “When I go to recovery meetings, it’s almost always majority men, especially when dealing with intimacy and sex issues. But when you go online, there are all women. They feel safer.” “I would invite you to try an online session to see if it’s a good fit or not.” “The convenience aspect of attending an online session is very different. One client said it was so much more cost-effective and time-effective.”