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Sex, Love, and Addiction

Sex, Love, and Addiction

Robert Weiss, PhD, MSW

On Sex, Love, and Addiction, Dr. Rob Weiss, sex therapist and author of a dozen books on sex and relationship healing, interviews global experts like Dr’s. Sue Johnson, Harville Hendrix, Dr. Stan Tatkin, and Helen Fisher, Dr. Kenneth Adams among others. This podcast features robust discussions focused on healing from chronic infidelity, cheating, porn, and sex addiction, along with the pain of relationship betrayal. Dr. Rob is Chief Clinical Officer for Seeking integrity Treatment Centers. He is a 30-year licensed therapist, a Ph.D. sexologist, and author Sex Addiction 101, Prodependence, and Out of the Doghouse, among other books. This podcast is dedicated to bringing information, advice, and direction from experts around the world to those seeking answers to some of life’s most challenging questions.

192 - Q&A with Rob and Tami: When Do I Need Help for My Addiction?
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  • 192 - Q&A with Rob and Tami: When Do I Need Help for My Addiction?

    Dr. Rob and Tami share what a couple can expect when they sit down and talk with Dr. Rob in person or over Zoom when they are ready to address their infidelity and addiction issues. How do you know if a residential treatment is right for you? What do you do when your spouse still continues to lie to you after formal disclosure? All these questions answered, and more!    TAKEAWAYS: [0:45] How long does it take to rewire a porn-addicted mind?  [4:50] Addicts think, ‘they can’t live without this’ but when they take a pause they realize that they didn’t die. That they can push through.  [6:45] My husband said he’d be honest about the affairs going forward. This has been a complete lie. Where do I go from here?  [8:45] Whatever you do, don’t give up on you.  [14:15] Unfortunately, you may never get what you want from that person.  [20:25] I fluctuate between me being a horrible person vs. me being a good person that just did a horrible thing. How can I differentiate? [25:55] I struggle to take ownership. Not sure what I should do?  [34:25] If you have a question about your spouse’s addiction, write it down. Collect them, and then sit down at a scheduled time and talk about them.  [37:45] How do you know if residential treatment makes sense for you? [45:00] What does it mean to do a consultation with Dr. Rob?    RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss   QUOTES “The brain doesn’t get rewired, it’s not a motherboard, but it does adapt.” “You’re getting the kind of message that you have to work on your own life and what you want from the other person, you may never get; as much as you deserve it.” “Guilt is a good thing. Healthy guilt I made a mistake, I need to go back and fix it. Guilt is good information.”

    Tue, 15 Oct 2024 - 1h 01min
  • 191 - Part 2: Honoring Yourself After Your Spouse’s Betrayal with Lora Cheadle

    Dr. Rob and Lora continue their discussion about self-awareness and honoring self while also thriving in a connected partnership. Leaving your partner doesn’t make the pain entirely go away, so you have to work to honor yourself whether you choose to stay or leave. Surround yourself with people who can support you and remind you of who you really are beyond what happened to you. There are great motivating factors behind an affair and an addiction, and understanding both will make all the difference in what you can expect as you heal after betrayal.    TAKEAWAYS: [1:25] How can you hold onto yourself and also thrive in a connected partnership?  [5:00] You may have been hurt, but you deserve to remember who you really are. [6:43] Your life isn’t over, it’s evolving.  [8:00] When you were hurt, you were crushed.  Now is the time to flaunt yourself! [10:14] It’s hard to be a beginner, but lean into the laughter of trying new things.  [14:00] Trusting yourself can get you exactly where you want to be.  [15:05] What is an affair vs. an addictive problem?  [18:00] It is not your fault. When people cheat they are doing it for their reasons. [20:22] Is it naive for a woman to think she won’t be cheated on by a man?    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Dr. Geoff Goodman Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment Partner Sexuality Survey Lora Cheadle   QUOTES: “You may have been victimized, but you have to start remembering who you are.”  “Trust yourself, and seek out outside support and wisdom.”  “Addiction is a tool that the other person is using to make themselves feel better, and the tool is never going to solve it.”  “Trust is the backbone of our relationships.”

    Thu, 26 Sep 2024 - 30min
  • 190 - Part 1: Honoring Yourself After Your Spouse’s Betrayal with Lora Cheadle

    Lora Cheadle joins Dr. Rob to discuss the journey of self-discovery that the spouse must take after betrayal. Moments of vulnerability and self-disclosure can bring happiness into a healing marriage while also triggering feelings of old hurt, leaving spouses feeling angry and confused about whether or not they really trust their partner again.  Lora understands that while you may have been victimized, you get to choose whether or not you will continue to be a victim.    TAKEAWAYS: [1:59] A little bit about Lora Cheadle and why she wanted to share her personal experience as a recovering spouse. [5:00] Betrayal can come as a result of spouse control and manipulation.  [7:28] Transactional relationships are set up for failure.  [10:28] You were victimized by your spouse’s betrayal – don’t let anyone minimize that for you – but you get to choose whether or not you will continue to be a victim.  [15:03] As a partner, you can support your spouse without taking on the full responsibility of their addiction.  [16:07] How can you balance trust today with the possibility of future betrayal?  [19:40] Self disclosure and vulnerability from your partner is key evidence that betrayal has stopped.  [20:30] From a performative and transactional relationship to living her truth, Lora understands what a healthy marriage really looks like.  [24:01] “She should have known better” – but addicts can be really good at hiding things.  [26:12] Find someone who you can confide in who won’t judge you.  [28:01] Yes, you can find peace in a support group of betrayed spouses.    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Dr. Geoff Goodman Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment Partner Sexuality Survey Lora Cheadle   QUOTES: “Infidelity and betrayal, for me, was my opportunity to see in myself what I had missed before.”  “If someone isn’t doing what I think they should, the problem is theirs, right? Wrong.”   “I did not want my husband’s addiction to win.  I wanted me to win.”  “He is a different person, but I am a different person too, so we do this dance differently.”

    Thu, 19 Sep 2024 - 32min
  • 189 - Part 2: Couples Make it Work Only When I Do My Part with Dr. Geoff Goodman

    Dr. Rob continues his conversation with Dr. Geoff Goodman about the power of the 12 Step program, which worked for Geoff when nothing else did. Finding an effective therapist who can support you and your partner requires so much more than just delving into the past - it requires making demands and setting goals that you can realistically achieve as you move forward.  One huge component of recovery for both you and your partner is finding the right support groups.  If the first one isn’t a good fit, don’t give up, keep trying until you are surrounded by people who can lift you up, whether you are the recovering addict or the spouse!   TAKEAWAYS: [1:30] The power of the 12 Step program, for Geoff, is that it works.  [3:18] Understanding the why behind your addiction won’t automatically shift your behavior.  [8:50] Effective therapists will help addicts beyond simply understanding their past.  [11:28] If you’re acting out sexually in ways that are ruining your life, your therapist can help! [13:35] Addiction recovery does not equate to relationship therapy.  [16:02] How might spouses consider self-examination without feeling blamed for their spouse’s addiction?  [19:45] Finding needed support when finances and resources don’t allow it.  [24:26] “I don’t belong there”- how to find the right support group for you.    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Dr. Geoff Goodman Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment Partner Sexuality Survey 12 Step Recovery    QUOTES: “I didn’t want to make a complete lifestyle change.  I wanted to get better, but avoid that.”  “Addiction is so irresistible that knowing the causes is a nice intellectual pursuit but it doesn’t really help you on the ground.”  “The 12 Step Program isn’t going to turn your husband into Prince Charming.”  “You are healing and changing itself does not make you a loving, kind, empathing, engaged partner.  It just means you stopped lying and stopped hating yourself.”

    Thu, 12 Sep 2024 - 30min
  • 188 - Part 1: Couples Make it Work Only When I Do My Part with Dr. Geoff Goodman

    Dr. Rob welcomes back podcast guest Dr. Geoff Goodman for a conversation about the impact that addiction has on relationships.  He offers insights into the struggle of not only the addict, but of their partner as well, and shares his experience with falling in love with a woman who did not know that he was an addict.  Some partners are more supportive and involved while others appear to be disinterested or even disgusted and fed up.  No matter what scenario you’re in, there is hope for finding a life beyond addiction, together.    TAKEAWAYS: [2:24] What people don’t understand about addicts, from the partner perspective.  [3:56] Dr. Geoff revealed his own sex addiction to his partner long before they were married.  [6:30] From a spouse’s point of view, learning about addiction can feel like a bait and switch. [7:50] ‘Don’t ask, don’t tell’ only works for so long in a committed relationship. Even the ‘right one’ can’t resolve a loved one’s addiction.  [10:15] Willing yourself out of addictive behavior has a very short success rate.  [11:22] When enough is enough, there is hope for addicts.  [12:46] Addiction prevents partners from being fully committed to each other, both in and out of the bedroom.  [16:40] Reading literature about porn addiction can help a partner understand what you are going through.  [18:46] Your partner knows better than anyone what you are going through in recovery.  [19:39] Geoff’s career of treating sex addicts didn’t start until he was in recovery.  [22:40] Geoff explains why he doesn’t self-disclose to his patients.  [24:50] The impact of addiction and recovery on parenting.    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Dr. Geoff Goodman Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment Partner Sexuality Survey   QUOTES: “From a spouses’ point of view, addiction must feel like a bait and switch.”  “Reading literature about porn addiction helped broaden the picture to help her understand that this isn’t unique to me.  This is a problem that many men experience.”  “I can’t even imagine being a father and acting out, even though I know it happens all of the time.”

    Thu, 05 Sep 2024 - 29min
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