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194 - The Greenslade Story - The Goon Show
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  • 194 - The Greenslade Story - The Goon Show

    Hey, Goon Show Lover  you might also like our new, original, comedy podcast, EXPERTEASE, where fake experts make up fake facts about real topics. It's funny, silly, kinda smart and kinda dumb, with lots of room for improvised nonsense  rather like the Goon Show! Come on over, and take a gander. Here's the link!

    First broadcast on December 20, 1955. Script by Spike Milligan. Transcribed by Debby Stark, corrections by Kurt Adkins and Peter Olausson. Additional corrections by thegoonshow.net

    http://www.thegoonshow.net/scripts_show.asp?title=s06e14_the_greenslade_story

    Greenslade:

    This is the BBC Light programme.

    FX:

    [Gasps. Wild applause]


    Greenslade:

    Encore? Certainly. [Clears throat] This is the BBC Light program.


    FX:

    [Wild applause]


    Seagoon:

    Hear that applause, dear listener? It was not for Danny Kaye, not for Fred Lane. No. It was all for a common or garden BBC announcer, Wallace Greenslade. How did he come by this rapturous applause? It is with heavy heart and light kidneys that we tell you...


    Greenslade:

    The Greenslade Story or...


    Sellers:

    Winds Light to Variable.


    Orchestra:

    [Mystery music]


    Snagge:

    My name is Snagge, John Snagge.


    FX:

    [Two coins land in a cup]


    Snagge:

    Thank you Sir Ian. It was June, 19-quifty-qua that the lad, Wallace Greenslade, first came to the BBC seeking refuge from hard work.


    FX:

    [Typewriter]


    Greenslade:

    Good morning, Miss, I'm Mr. W. Greenslade.


    Receptionist (Female - Sellers):

    Oh, yes, you've come for the vacant post of announcer.


    Greenslade:

    Yes, I have.


    Receptionist:

    Do take a seat with the other applicants.


    Greenslade:

    Thank you. I sat down next to a man wearing a brass deerstalker, white cricket boots, and a shredded cardboard wig.


    Eccles:

    Ha-llo!


    Greenslade:

    Good morning.


    Eccles:

    Winds light to variable.


    Greenslade:

    Pardon?


    Eccles:

    I said, "Winds light to variable."


    Greenslade:

    Oh, really.


    Eccles:

    Yeah. Winds light to variable. I'm practicing, you know.


    Greenslade:

    Don't tell me you're applying for the post of announcer?


    Eccles:

    Oh, yeah! And I'll get it too, you'll see! I'm wearing a Cambridge tie!


    Greenslade:

    You? You were at Cambridge?


    Eccles:

    Yeah!


    Greenslade:

    What were you doing there?


    Eccles:

    Buying a tie.


    FX:

    [Door opens]


    Receptionist:

    Mr. Liddell will see you now, Mr. Eccles.


    Eccles:

    Fine, fine, my good woman. This is it 2,000, £2,000 a year and a pension...


    FX:

    [Door closes and rapidly opens again]


    Sellers:

    Get out, you idiot!


    Eccles:

    Wait a minute, wait a minute! You ain't even heard me speak yet!


    Sellers:

    We'll write to you.


    Eccles:

    Well, that's no good, I can't read. Hey! Did you see that? He threw me out! Threw me out, the famous Eccles! He got no respect for the dead, that man! You can all laugh, but he never even let me say "winds light to variant." I'm going to tell my electrocution teacher about that...


    FX:

    [Door opens]


    Receptionist:

    Will you come in now, Mr Greenslade?


    Greenslade:

    Thank you, madam. I was lead into the presence of a BBC official. I took off my shoes and knelt down.


    FX:

    [Gong sound]


    Pompous BBC Official:

    Now, Mr Greensleaves, can I... can I hear you say something?


    Greenslade:

    Certainly. Ahhmmm... "Winds light to variable."


    Pompous BBC Official:

    By Jove, you couldn't have picked a more... Appropriate phrase.


    Greenslade:

    Oh, it was nothing.


    Pompous BBC Official:

    Come, come! Say it again. Say it again... With a smile in the voice.


    Greenslade:

    Of course. [Clears throat] "Winds light to variable."


    Pompous BBC Official:

    Delicious! Quite enchanting! Now, say it as though it were a national catastrophe.


    Greenslade:

    "Ohhhh! Winds light to variable! Ohhhhhh!"


    Pompous BBC Official:

    [Weepy] Very touching! Yes, quite touching. Yes I... I think you have it, Mr Greenslade, you can start work at once.


    Greenslade:

    Gad! Me, a BBC announcer!


    FX:

    [Victory music link]


    Seagoon:

    Dear listeners, how could my private school for announcers, with it's 56,000 trainees succeed, if the BBC kept turning down my ace pupils like Eccles?


    Omnes:

    [Shouting] We want bread, bread we want...[Continues under:]


    Seagoon:

    [Shouting] Steady on lads! Please! Lads! Thank you! Settle down! Settle down! Thank you! Please, gentlemen, keep up your spirits, lads, I mean, say after me, "Winds light to variable."


    Omnes:

    "Winds light to variable."


    Seagoon:

    There you are, lads, good! Doesn't that make you feel better?


    Omnes:

    [Negative answers, particularly from the Major Bloodnok]


    Seagoon:

    Whatwhatwhawhawhawhat's that? Bloodnok, please...


    Bloodnok:

    Listen, listen, Neddie...


    Seagoon:

    Mr. Bloodnok, please, I mean...


    Bloodnok:

    Never mind these naughty winds light to variable! What about some earthquakes in East Acton?


    Seagoon:

    What about earthquakes in East Acton?


    Bloodnok:

    What about...? I've been training at this school for six years to say "earthquakes in East Acton."


    Seagoon:

    So what?


    Bloodnok:

    Well, they never have one!


    Seagoon:

    Ah, ah, yes! But at the slightest tremor, I'll write to the BBC!


    Bloodnok:

    Oh...


    Seagoon:

    I will indeed! Now then, keep up your morale, man! Say after me "Earthquakes in East Acton."


    Bloodnok:

    Earthquakes in East Acton.


    Seagoon:

    There you are, how about that eh?


    Bloodnok:

    Yes, I, I, I feel better already.


    Seagoon:

    Of course you do!


    Bloodnok:

    Yes...


    Seagoon:

    Now here's a model of Sir Ian Jacob. Let's stick pins in it!


    Bloodnok:

    Right...


    FX:

    [Telephone rings, receiver lifted]


    Ellington:

    Ohhh man! Don't you dare do that again!


    FX:

    [Hangs up phone]


    Seagoon:

    Thank you Fred Jacobs. Now...It's no good, dear listener. I can't deceive my pupils as to the seriousness of the situation. While Greenslade grew in popularity, I decided to strike!


    FX:

    [Dramatic music]


    Moriarty:

    [Ominous laughing] Yess...


    Grytpype:

    So, Neddie, you want us to kidnap the entire BBC announcing staff?


    Seagoon:

    Yesyesyesyesyesyes! I've got to create vacancies for my own men. You'll be well paid.


    Moriarty:

    Paid? Money? Money? How much? How much?


    Seagoon:

    For every announcer removed I'll pay one simulation lead florin. And you can have that in writing.


    Grytpype:

    We'd rather have it in cash, if you don't mind.


    Seagoon:

    Very well, here's a photograph of a pound.


    Grytpype:

    Thank you. Moriarty, see if this is a forgery.


    Moriarty:

    Ohh, at once, at once.


    Seagoon:

    Now, gentlemen, when do you start work?


    Grytpype:

    When? Switch on the talking wireless.


    FX:

    [Click]


    Announcer [on radio]:

    Here is the nyn aclock noise. The president of Scrampsonpage drudnosit black... [Grabbed by the throat]


    Grytpype:

    You see, Neddie, we've started already! Now, excuse me while...


    FX:

    [Whooosh!]


    Moriarty:

    Don't switch off, listen to this.


    Grytpype [on radio]:

    We must apologize for the break in the news. In the meantime, here is a record...


    FX:

    [Radio interference]


    Eccles:

    Hello, folks! Winds light to variable. Further outlook: Fine, fine, fine.


    Seagoon:

    Wonderful!- Or, if your French, wunderbar! - At last, Mr Eccles was being heard on the radio. One by one, the BBC announcers were kidnapped. Or, if they're over 21, adultnapped! Get it? [Laughs] Adultnapped! [Sighs] Max Geldray, pull up a bollard!


    Max Geldray and Orchestra:

    [Musical interlude]


    Seagoon:

    I still maintain it's all wrong, I can understand it at all, I, I say...


    Grytpype:

    Relax, Neddie, relax, your record's selling well, you've nothing to worry about...


    Seagoon:

    So when Relax, you say. My heavens, it's three months since you promised to kidnap Greenslade, but still no result!


    Moriarty:

    Oeoww! I tell you, don't worry, Neddie! At last we've found a chink in his armour


    Bloodnok:

    These Chinese get everywhere!


    Grytpype:

    Greenslade has a huge public. They want to see him in the flesh.


    Seagoon:

    What? All of it?


    Grytpype:

    Yes.


    Seagoon:

    He's a danger to shipping!


    Grytpype:

    Neddie, we are going to offer him a contract to appear on the stage.


    Seagoon:

    Gad, yes! If he leaves the BBC, the way will be clear for Mr. Eccles! An excellent plan! We'll do it!


    Greenslade:

    And do it they did. But the BBC didn't give me up without a fight. In fact, they even sent John Snagge round to my private abode.


    FX:

    [Knock on door, door opens]


    Butler (Ellington):

    Thou knocked oh shivering white infidel? Cor blimey!


    Greenslade:

    Yes is, ah, Wallace in?


    Butler:

    "Wallace"? Does thou mean The Great Greenslade? He whose voice drips like honey for the ears of the waiting world? He of the velvet petal tongue?


    Snagge:

    Yes, yes, that's Wal.


    Butler:

    Whom shall I say craves audience?


    Snagge:

    Tell him it's John Snagge -- No, no, no, no, wait. Tell him... It's Snaggers. He who's voice once-yearly rings out from the Thames motor launch, that usually fails. He who's voice tells the masses of a watery combat twixt men in two slender willow slim craft, that race on the bosom of our river and race past Mortlake Brewery towards their Olympic goal.


    Butler:

    Cor blimey, man, follow me.


    Snagge:

    Dear listeners, I was lead across a marble courtyard of solid wood and here and there silver fountains gushed claret. And there, there, lying in a silken hammock suspended between two former television toppers... Was Wallace Greenslade.


    Greenslade:

    Ah John, dear John! You couldn't have arrived at a better moment. I was just about to unveil a small, bronze statue of myself.


    Snagge:

    Now look here, Wallace. There's a rumour going around the Corporation that you're thinking of leaving.


    Greenslade:

    Well, John, I have been getting offers.


    Snagge:

    But Wallace, you're not going to leave us... Remember, you're British.


    Greenslade:

    Dear John. What can I say?


    Snagge:

    What's the matter Wallace? Aren't you happy with us. Isn't £3.10 a week enough?


    Greenslade:

    Not quite John.


    Snagge:

    But man alive! You've a free copy of the Radio Times every week.


    Greenslade:

    Yes, there is that.


    Snagge:

    Well... Now look Wallace.


    Greenslade:

    What, John?


    Snagge:

    I've been given the authority to offer you £4 a week and you can read the 9 o'clock news at half past if you want to and take your own time about it...


    Seagoon:

    Not so fast, Mr. John "Boatrace" Snagge!


    Snagge:

    That voice came out of a little ball of fat that sprang from behind a piano stool.


    Seagoon:

    My name is Neddie Seagoon!


    Snagge:

    What a memory you have.


    Seagoon:

    Not so fast!


    Snagge:

    I said it as slowly as possible.


    Seagoon:

    So! You're the famous John Snagge, eh? Known as the male Sabrina of Portland Place.


    Snagge:

    Now steady Seagoon, or I'll ban your record on Housewife's Choice.


    Seagoon:

    Huh-hum! [Titters and starts to sing] Be my lov... Never mind, I still have my shaving turn.


    FX:

    [Whoosh]


    Grytpype:

    Mr. Snagge, I fear you have arrived too late to save Mr Greenslade. He has already signed a theatrical contract at £5 a week.


    Snagge:

    Five pounds? There isn't that much!


    Grytpype:

    Yes, there is, and here it is in used stamps.


    Snagge:

    Alas! I cannot offer him more. So this, then, is the end of the once-great BBC announcing staff.


    Orchestra:

    [A cornet plays the "Last Post" under:]


    Snagge:

    Where are they now? That noble band, Andrew Timothy - missing. Alvar Liddell - went down with his lift. Richard Dimbleby - overweight. And finally, Ronald Fletcher - gone to the dogs.


    Seagoon:

    Stop! Stop! [Crying] You're breaking my heart. - I can help you! I have a man here to take their place. Speak, lad, speak!


    Eccles:

    Winds light to variable. Wait a minute, Mr. Nagg, you're... You're very lucky to get me!


    Snagge:

    I have no choice. Put him in a sack.


    Seagoon:

    So saying, Mr Snagge took the famous Eccles off on his tricycle. Next day, we took Greenslade off on his triumphal stage tour. Everywhere he went, success. Then the first opening night at the London Palladium. What a night that was! What a night! His merest whim was catered for.


    Greenslade:

    Neddie, bring me a merest whim.


    Seagoon:

    At once! At once, Wallace! In cellophane! Gad, there's a packed house out there waiting for you.


    Greenslade:

    How they love me!


    FX:

    [Knock on door]


    Greenslade:

    Neddie? Say "come in" for me.


    Seagoon:

    Of course, Wall, of course. Come in! Who is it?


    Lou:

    [Yiddish] It's Lou. I've come to say good evening.


    Seagoon:

    Your agent! Come in!


    FX:

    [Door opens]


    Lou:

    Oh my lovely little Wallace! Oh, you're gonna kill'em tonight, you're a lovely boy! Ooh, you're lovely, make a lot of lovely money for me, make a fortune! Ooh, that lovely talking voice, I'll get you Ed Sullivan TV next time I promise you...


    Seagoon:

    I'm his manager, you understand...


    Lou:

    Out the way, Secombe, you're finished, all that shaving and singing, it's all finished...


    Seagoon:

    Whatwhatwhawhawhat?


    Lou:

    On with the motsers, It's all washed up. Now then here, Wallace. Wallace, Wallace, Wallace, Val Parnell's outside tonight so do your best, I'll see you get a nice, big bonus. Goodbye, my lovely boy, that geld he's making for me...


    FX:

    [Door shuts]


    Seagoon:

    You'd never think that man's father's a duke, would you?


    Greenslade:

    No.


    Seagoon:

    Well, don't, cos he wasn't.


    FX:

    [Knock on door]


    Seagoon:

    Who's there?


    Henry Crun:

    We are, mnk.


    Minnie Bannister:

    Autograph hunters, buddy.


    Seagoon:

    What do you want, Buddy?


    Henry Crun:

    An autograph.


    Minnie Bannister:

    Autograph.


    Henry Crun:

    Autogram.


    Minnie Bannister:

    A modern-style bobby soxers, buddy. Dim-bund-giddle-oh! We want Wal's autograph, buddy.


    Seagoon:

    I'm very sorry, Mr Greenslade left his autograph at home.


    Minnie Bannister:

    Oh...


    FX:

    [Pounding on door]


    Seagoon:

    Stop that knocking-type knocking!


    Henry Crun:

    Who are you to stop us doing knocking-type knocking?


    FX:

    [More pounding on door]


    Seagoon:

    I'm Neddie Seagoon-type Neddie Seagoon.


    Henry Crun:

    Never heard of you-type, sir. Go away, sir.


    Seagoon:

    Go away! Never heard... I, I, I won't stand for this! Go away? Never heard of me? Open this door at once...


    FX:

    [More pounding on door]


    Seagoon:

    Come along, who's there?


    Henry Crun:

    Open the door!


    Seagoon:

    I can't. Some fool's taken the bolt off. Can you open it your side?


    Minnie Bannister:

    No, no, no... Don't come in, I'm in the bath.


    Seagoon:

    What are you doing in the bath?


    Minnie Bannister:

    I'm not doing anything in the bath!


    Seagoon:

    Miss Bannister, explain what Mr Henry Crun is doing in your bathroom, you sinful woman!


    Minnie Bannister:

    He's washing a savage tiger.


    Seagoon:

    A tiger? A sinful savage tiger? I've had enough of this!


    FX:

    [Door opens. Large roar]


    Seagoon:

    [Screams]


    Greenslade:

    Obviously time for Mr Ray Ellington.


    Ray Ellington and his Quartet:

    [Musical interlude: 'Jingle Bells'. The end of the song includes Ellington barking like a dog.]


    Greenslade:

    Ray Ellington is now appearing at the Battersea Dog's Home.


    Greenslade:

    The Wallace Greenslade Story, Part 3. As this scene opens, I am found in the star dressing room at the Palladium with my with my manager. I have five minutes to finish my Black Russian cigarette before I'm on.


    FX:

    [Door opens]


    Lou:

    Oh, my life! Ruined, my business, my wife and children, my wail, ruined! I'll never be able to look Val in the face again. Ohhhh... Oh dear...Ohh!


    Seagoon:

    Something wrong Lou?


    Lou:

    Something wrong he says? The audience, they've gone, the momsers, 5 to 9, they got up and left!


    Seagoon:

    5 to 9? What? Wait! I've got a...

    Wed, 23 Oct 2024 - 30min
  • 193 - The Mustard and Cress Shortage - The Goon Show

    Hey, Goon Show Lover  you might also like our new, original, comedy podcast, EXPERTEASE, where fake experts make up fake facts about real topics. It's funny, silly, kinda smart and kinda dumb, with lots of room for improvised nonsense  rather like the Goon Show! Come on over, and take a gander. Here's the link!

    The Goon Show is a British radio comedy programme, originally produced and broadcast by the BBC Home Service from 1951 to 1960, with occasional repeats on the BBC Light Programme. The first series, broadcast from 28 May to 20 September 1951, was titled Crazy People; subsequent series had the title The Goon Show.


    The show's chief creator and main writer was Spike Milligan, who performed the series alongside Harry Secombe, Peter Sellers and (for the first two series) Michael Bentine. The scripts mixed ludicrous plots with surreal humour, puns, catchphrases and an array of bizarre sound effects. There were also light music interludes. Some of the later episodes feature electronic effects devised by the fledgling BBC Radiophonic Workshop, many of which were reused by other shows for decades. Many elements of the show satirised contemporary life in 1950s Britain, parodying aspects of show business, commerce, industry, art, politics, diplomacy, the police, the military, education, class structure, literature and film.

    The show was released internationally through the BBC Transcription Services (TS). It aired regularly from the 1950s in Australia, South Africa, New Zealand, India, and Canada, although these TS versions were frequently edited to avoid controversial subjects. In the United States, NBC began broadcasting the programme on its radio network from the mid-1950s.

    Subversive and absurdist, The Goon Show exercised a considerable influence on the development of British and American comedy and popular culture. It was cited as a major influence by the Beatles, the American comedy troupe the Firesign Theatre, and the British comedy troupe Monty Python.

    Wed, 16 Oct 2024 - 26min
  • 192 - The “SAY-SAY-SÉANCE” Expertease - Expertease - Knowledge, Not Comedy

    Clare Sera, or her ectoplasmic doppelgänger, reflects on a life and an afterlife as the world's expert on seances. Danno Sullivan asks questions from a sealed envelope. How he got in the envelope, I'll never know.

    Much love and many thanks to announcer Moira Quirk.

    Love the show so much that you'd like to leave a review? We'd appreciate nothing more. Click here, and let your expert review-leaving begin!

    Got a request for a special expertise? Leave us voicemail with your questions or comments. Over at the website, you'll see the little microphone floating in the bottom-right corner. That's where your expert voicemail leaving happens.

    Wed, 20 Oct 2021 - 11min
  • 191 - The CRYPTOZOOLOGY Expertease - Expertease - Knowledge, Not Comedy

    Bigfoot. Jackalope. Nessie. If this episode wasn't about creatures that are made up, you might think we were making it up.

    Much love and many thanks to announcer Moira Quirk.

    And to other announcer from Elgin America, Jeff Bellin.

    Say, love the show so much that you'd like to leave a review? We'd appreciate nothing more. Click here, and let your expert review-leaving begin!

    Got a request for a special expertise? Leave us voicemail with your questions or comments. Over at the website, you'll see the little microphone floating in the bottom-right corner. That's where your expert voicemail leaving happens.

    Sat, 06 Aug 2022 - 14min
  • 190 - The “GHOST TOWNS of the OLD WEST” Expertease - Expertease - Knowledge, Not Comedy

    Saddle up your ponies, put your feet in the syrups for these thrilling tales East Ghost vs. West Ghost in the battle for the town.

    Much love and many thanks to announcer Moira Quirk.

    Your hosts are Danno Sullivan and Clare Sera

    Say, love the show so much that you'd like to leave a review? We'd appreciate nothing more. Click here, and let your expert review-leaving begin!

    Got a request for a special expertise? Leave us voicemail with your questions or comments. Over at the website, you'll see the little microphone floating in the bottom-right corner. That's where your expert voicemail leaving happens.

    Danno: Clare Sera. Our audience tonight is composed mostly of Cowboys and cow women. Cal people. And that's your naturally. And since you specialize in ghost towns of the old west, I thought we could probe your area of expertise.

    Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls saddle up your ponies, put your feet in the syrup's because our guest today is Claire. Sarah, a world renowned expert in ghost towns of the old west Clare Sera. Welcome to the expert tests podcast.

    That's exactly what I was hoping for was a little bit of that flavor, from the old times of the old west now, obviously the old west is a time that's far beyond any of us living today. What got you interested in such an unusual egg I'm like Hively.

    Clare: Oh, that's actually, that could be a little bit of a possession Danno, when, when I was, but it'll, it'll come out, it'll come out. That's probably old Gabe Mackenzie,

    Danno: Gabe McKinsey, the famous devil of desert Gulch.

    Clare: desert Gulch.

    And That's what he likes to create a gulping sound because.

    Danno: what I felt in my throat was it felt like a Gulch.


    Clare: yes. You had a Gulch in your throat. That's Gabes specialty. He's a prankster he's a funny prankster, but he has killed a few people.


    Danno: you're telling me that the, a ghost of an old cowboy or a friendly prospect or something has actually literally in modern times taken the life of human people.


    Clare: Well, you know, that's The funny thing that I have discovered in researching America's ghost hands. And we're talking about America's ghost towns, ghost towns of the old west where


    the,


    Danno: of America,


    Clare: the old west of America on the Western part of America,


    you


    know,


    Danno: Western part of the old west,


    Clare: of the Wolf's westerly west ness


    Danno: my understanding is the further west. You go, the more ghostly the ghost towns get.


    Clare: Well, you have to be careful. If you go too far west, you end up east and the east coast towns. you don't want to have anything to do with those who


    Danno: you got to stay on the right side of the gun.


    Clare: Yeah. On the left to the right of the westerly Gulch towns, that's where you find your ghosts, Gerald cowboy, ghosts, Gerald, brothel, ladies, your snappy gold dig in Westie types that inhabit the ghost towns now to become a ghost.


    You've got to have unfinished business in this


    Danno: sure. So many people went out prospecting for. And failed. Does that count as unfinished business?


    Clare: that is some of it, but I'm talking about business actual like business dealings, contracts, um, bank loans,


    Danno: see mortgages.


    Clare: buildings and loan


    Danno: Okay.


    These are surprisingly less terrifying ghost. And honestly, I was hoping for, what does it take for a ghost to be able to just sign a name one last time on a contract?


    Clare: First of all, they have to find ink


    Danno: Do they need to sign a physical contract in our realm with physical liquid ink? Okay. So finding ink doesn't sound like that. Big of a.


    Clare: Well, where would you find Inc. Danno?


    You're


    not going to find Inc in a ghost town.


    Danno: Oh, I didn't think about


    that. Even the office supply stores of a ghost town are closed And ghostly,


    Clare: so a lot of ghosts will spend their time trying to repurpose, ancient molecules of ink from the early days, which of course is still floating around. Do you know that everything is always floating around and all pieces of dead people, dead animals, everything from the past


    Danno: That's why I don't cut my fingernails anymore.


    Clare: So they're not floating around.


    Danno: nobody's doing the voodoo on me. Clear. Nobody is doing the voodoo on


    Clare: Well, Danno, I think gave Mackenzie gave you a good


    Gulshan earlier.


    Danno: Yeah. Point taken. So I do want to find out about the signature business, but you.


    Happened again.


    Clare: You've


    been Gulch. That's just a promo for, uh, I'm doing a TV show about ghosts of the old west. I'm trying to get a little bit of money so I can get ink to these ghost towns and let some of these ghosts have their final rest.


    Look, if people are interested or really interested in finding out what the ghosts of these old Western towns, what their personalities are like, um, what it would take to give them a little bit of eternal peace and rest, they can watch my television show. You've been Gulch, any Friday night, it's on a YouTube channel, Now, do you have a link to that? Can you have a


    Danno: Yeah, we can put a link to Gulch me now.


    Clare: you you've been


    Gulch.


    Danno: I'm sorry. I've linked to the wrong website.


    So that sounds a little bit like one of those fun, practical jokes. Programs,


    Clare: they have a lot of time for pranks and fund, you know, in between while they're waiting for their,


    ink to


    Undray.


    Danno: are they going to do to pass


    Clare: Right. So they've, they have rigged up. Some of these towns are rigged with elaborate police systems where the front facades of those towns.


    Danno: is there some fun loving Jeffery that goes on with the ghosts and the old dangerous buildings and unsuspecting passers by


    Clare: you know, it that's exactly what's happened because even though these girls have unfinished business, Maybe you've seen the Buster Keaton film where he's just standing there and a whole building falls down over top of him and he, he stands through the window. The window just falls around him.


    Danno: so are you saying a tourist can come have a building fall over them?


    Clare: Yeah, I though the goals are not very good with measurements. We've


    had.


    Danno: How could they be.


    Clare: That's been what some of the killings have come from


    Danno: Yeah, but th then you get some fresh young ghosts and that's the sort of thing that really keeps a town


    like that alive,


    Clare: And most of these young ghosts have unfinished business with like student loan debt


    Danno: or just revenge against the other ghosts that killed them.


    Clare: bright revenge business is really big in the Eastern ghost towns.


    Danno: So this east coast versus west coast, this constant battle how do you think that's going to play out?


    Clare: Well, you could watch on my YouTube channel east coast versus west coast gulging, championships


    on


    Friday. Oh, Gabe.


    You know what a lot of people don't know when they're coming to visit a ghost town, say a family visit, oh, we're going to drive


    Danno: Yeah,


    Clare: street of, uh, and they, they think they're going to be having some safe, practical japes be done.


    Danno: but supernatural.


    Clare: supernatural.


    Danno: So you're yeah, they don't, they're kind of looking forward to that. Probably


    Clare: Oh, absolutely.


    I mean, sometimes the kids are crying, but,


    Danno: Cause kids are sensitive to evil aren't


    Clare: They feel it, they.


    do feel the evil and definitely some, some of the ghost pranks do move beyond, fun.


    Danno: to me that does not feel like a real inviting tourist attraction and really kind of a hard thing to promote on. Um, Ghulja television show.


    Clare: you've been


    Gulch. is a two-pronged, purpose. And one is the sheer entertainment value and,


    Danno: Yeah. Watching people get terrified and watching other people just die when the house


    falls on them.


    Clare: Americans love it. Um, and then the other of course is to raise funds because really my true calling I feel is to help a lot of these ghosts find their peace and eternal


    Danno:


    Yeah. So let's talk about that, Claire. I feel like that's The deeper work that you're trying to do, and probably more likely to get a lot of sympathy from our listeners. I know you're trying to raise money for your charitable work with the ghosts. how does the money help? What does, apart from Inc, I guess, what is the money by that you raised through your


    Clare: Well, it does, buy my groceries and pay my rent,


    which


    Danno: got to stay alive, obviously.


    Clare: to finish my business or we're just all going to be in the same problem. and if I die, you know, I will only die in a Western ghost town that I've made myself a promise, a promise of that.


    Danno: now, will you achieve that? Let's say you're, you're visiting friends in Ohio and you get sick. Oh, the Gulch, the Gulch. got it to


    Clare: Um,


    Danno: hang on.


    Clare: yep. Oh, Gabe, Gabe, come on out. Gabe. Gabe gave out there. There we go. Good. Good. It's getting might take a little while.


    Danno: I will contribute to your charity.


    Clare: Thank you. Thank you So much. Good work, Gabe. Um, yeah, so I, have arranged, with the great American railroad company that if at any time my blood pressure dips below 50, over that I will get pre passage to a ghost town,


    Danno: that is foresight.


    Clare: and you did men, my sister who lives in, Ohio, which is not quite Western enough.


    Um, she has a


    large troubleshoot


    Danno: uh, uh, catapult, I think we


    call


    Clare: yes, that's right. And I was an old west one, so we call it the true. Boshea


    Danno: Uh, you're participating in one of the fun games that we do with podcast guests, which is, um, the guest comes on and tries to stump me the host with the archaic jargon.


    Clare: Oh, yeah. Yeah.


    Danno: so far I'm undefeated. You want to try me on any others?


    Clare: Not at the moment.


    Danno: Right? I know what that means. It means not right now


    Clare: you certainly do have vision as a CWA about your vocabulary.


    Danno: that I don't, I don't


    know what that


    one.


    Clare: Okay. So I would, I would just want to entreat your listeners if I'm hearing about the stories of old Gabe Mackenzie or, black-eyed, Wally,


    Danno: what's the one also called Bolide Blackie.


    Clare: Yeah, well, I Blackie black-eyed Wally wall black bye-bye


    but a lot of people, they sort of, they look back on those days, incorrect, incorrectly, and which is how it was pronounced by.


    Danno: yes, was the incorrect way of pronouncing it.


    Clare: That's right.


    And,


    um,


    Danno: haven't stumped me with your archaic


    Clare: we are very good. You're you're like an expert on archaic Jingo.


    Danno: I did have a few more questions.


    Clare: Yes, certainly.


    What can we the living do now to help these unfortunate souls?


    Clare: there's a lot of unfinished business we have to do in these ghost towns. You know, you drive through there and you think, oh, there's nothing going on here. Just a dead old town with dry dustiness floating around.


    That's not dry dustiness. That's Gabe Mackenzie.


    Danno: clear. Let me throw out a suggestion.


    Clare: Yeah.


    Danno: Urban redevelopment. What if you brought in some money, some builders, some people and just plowed down those old saloons started putting up some apartments, some fast food restaurants, a doctor's office, a dentist office. what good is 150 year old saloon doing us. Let's build it up. Let's give those ghosts some pride of community.


    Clare: You know, I understand why you might think that that would work, but these ghosts are tied to the place where they left their unfinished business. That, that little brothel, that little saloon, that bank, you know, with the safe in the back,


    Danno: But all I'm saying is that saloon with the safe in the back is not keeping anyone safe now. Let's let them occupy the same volume of space, but replace the physicality of that space with something useful to the living, perhaps by being surrounded by the living those ghostly cultures with


    Clare: oh, oh, Gabe, Gabe, out, out.


    Danno: All right. Point taken point taken


    I feel like that's good advice for


    us to. Finish your business


    Clare: finish


    your business. And I'll tell you than one ghost died in an outhouse. Because he couldn't.


    Danno: finish


    Clare: No. Yeah.


    no,


    Danno: biz.


    Clare: no. no.

    Sat, 11 Jun 2022 - 12min
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